Marriage in the Chaos

Romance in our Marriage Matters to Our Kids

Seeing their parents acting loving towards each other makes children feel secure. It makes them feel that all is right in their world because the foundation of their family is solid. I have seen evidence of this starting even when our oldest kids were just toddlers. If The Husband and I danced or hugged or kissed, they would peek around the corner, unable to hide their little smiles. Sometimes, they would come over and join in the hug or want us to pick them up and hold them while we danced. When they did, I could see by their body language how at peace they were.

I have heard and read of the importance of reassuring your kids that your marriage is on solid ground by demonstrating affection in front of them and have witnessed first-hand how happy it makes our kids, but in the day to day busyness of life, it’s easy to let romance fall to the very bottom of the list. In fact, on our to-do list, it probably doesn’t even appear. Yes, I have excuses. We have been under a lot of stress. We have a sick daughter and therefore I have been getting very little sleep. We are busy. We are on a tight budget. We don’t have extra time. and probably the biggest one… There will be time for dates and romance in our marriage when this or that circumstance changes. But the thing is, there will always be excuses. It may never be a good time to add another thing to our to-do list.

We have been working on our marriage. We are right now signed up for a Love & Respect video series at our neighbour’s (though we missed the first one because we couldn’t find a babysitter for that night). We have been communicating more and have gone through some pretty amazing counselling. We have been kinder to each other and things are better than they have been in as long as I can remember, but romance hasn’t been one of the things we have put effort into. To be clear, I am not talking about s*x here, just romance…you know…stolen kisses, candlelit dinners, bubble baths, slow dancing, love notes, intentional dates, thoughtful gifts…

Friday, my friend D. took two of the boys for the afternoon and evening. The girls were busy watching a movie while I was cleaning the kitchen and as it felt that some time had opened up, I decided to make a special meal for The Husband and I. I had seen a blog post with the recipe earlier in the week that had given me the idea. The Husband and I love good food, but going to fancy restaurants just doesn’t fit into the budget of late, so when I read the recipe for this Cajun Chicken Fettucine Alfredo, I thought that just maybe we could eat restaurant type food at home! It was even more delicious than it sounds, rich with a bit of a kick (I doubled the cajun spice and the garlic called for).

The Husband arrived home and as the table still had remnants from a craft the kids had been working on, we decided to take our dinners out and eat on the deck. It was a beautiful evening and as we sat together, it was honestly not all that romantic. It had been a long week for both of us and things were fairly quiet as we both just tried to decompress. Then, as we sat there, the back door opened and three cute little girls came out carrying glasses of wine for us. They were giggling and smiling and whispering about “mommy and daddy’s date”!

Soon after, they came out carrying a basket. They had taken some of the petals off the roses I got for Mother’s Day (romance does happen occasionally!) and came out tossing the petals and talking about it being like a wedding. They also handed us each one of the yellow roses.

This lightened the mood as we were smiling and talking about what great kids we have! Before long, the door opened again and this time, my ipod appeared on the table, playing a song about marriage. It was cute to envision that our three sweet girls had been conspiring in the kitchen, finding just the right song to bring us!

Once the music was in position, they scurried back in and we could hear them whispering and see the blinds moving as they spied on us, so we felt that it was only right that we get up and indulge them by dancing. It’s been a long time since we danced. We could hear squeals of delight from inside and we hammed it up a bit for our audience!

And on the off chance that we had not yet gotten the hint that our children wanted to see us outwardly demonstrating our love, these signs appeared:

This at-home-date-night was a very humbling reminder to me that some of the things I put my time into are not what my kids really want or need.

What kids need is to feel secure and to see an example of what marriage should be. Lately, some of the marriages around us have broken down and this has brought out some insecurity in our kids, with some of them asking if we are going to “break up” or “have a divorce”. They need more than just verbal reassurance. They need to see their mommy and daddy kiss. They need to hear what God intended marriage to be. They need to see our romance.

Last night, I was tucking one of our daughters in and she smiled up at me and said, “you know that night that you and daddy had your date on the deck? That was my best day ever.”

I hope her words help to inspire you to put the romance back in your marriage. I know that those words will stay with us and remind us that romance in our married love life is a lifelong gift we can give to our children.

Bring Your Daddy to Homeschool Day

By Sharla Kostelyk

I know of a number of dads who have been the parent volunteer in their child’s classroom for a day or gone as a chaperone on a school field trip and it got me to thinking about how nice it would be if my husband would be the parent volunteer in our homeschool classroom for a day. It would be nice to have an extra pair of hands and someone to help at the point where I have multiple kids needing my help at one time. That wasn’t my primary reason for wanting to have him in our classroom though.

You see, over the years, The Husband has often questioned whether the kids are learning enough in homeschool. It has been the topic of many “discussions” and the source of resentment building on both our parts. I have often thought that if he wants to talk negatively about homeschooling, he should at least be involved enough or ask enough questions to know what the kids are learning. This dynamic was obviously not healthy and so I decided that this year would be different. I invited him to be the parent volunteer for a day and eliminated the chances of any objections by offering to homeschool on a holiday Monday so that he would not have to miss a work day. If there hadn’t been a holiday that week, I would have homeschooled on Saturday to enable him to be there.

The kids loved having Daddy in their class! We finished more than half an hour sooner than usual because there was another adult to help when the kids had questions and in a way, I could be in two places at one time! I forgot to take pictures of The Husband on “Bring Your Daddy to Homeschool Day”, but I now have a few rare pictures of myself teaching on the camera that he must have taken.

Bring Your Daddy to Homeschool Day was a big success, capped off when The Husband decided to take 3 of the kids on a 14 km mountain bike ride after we finished. The best part didn’t happen until a few days later though, when my mom-in-law and dad-in-law stopped by and happened to mentioned that The Husband had told them what a good job I was doing homeschooling! Rumour has it that he told them about what a great idea the workboxes are, how much the kids were learning, and that they were learning things about history that even he didn’t know (he is a huge history buff!) in their great history program (Story of the World)! Success!

I would highly recommend to all other homeschooling moms out there that they invite their husbands to be their parent volunteer for a day. It worked so well for us. I appreciated The Husband’s help; the kids absolutely loved having him there; he grew a better understanding and admiration for what I do and I believe will now see why my prep time in the evening is so critical and that he will be able to rest assured that our kids are learning enough.

You can also involve your husband in your homeschooling by asking for his input on curriculum decisions, inviting him to come along on field trips or even teaching the subjects that he excels in.

7 Date Night Ideas that are Unique and Free

By Sharla Kostelyk

Having regular date nights is important to protecting and improving your marriage. Especially when a couple has young children and has to pay for a babysitter, date nights can become too expensive to maintain. Earlier in our marriage, The Husband and I made the mistake of not setting aside time for just the two of us. We now have scheduled date nights, but one of the challenges is fitting those into our budget.

We brainstorm a lot about how to have fun for less and we often use Groupons to cut down our costs. But here are some fun date night ideas that don’t cost any money:

Make a Drive-In. This one can save you even the cost of a babysitter! If you have a portable DVD player or a built-in DVD player in a vehicle, park the vehicle in your driveway, and climb in the backseat. Bring with you a blanket, some drinks, and a big bag or bowl of popcorn and any other snacks you enjoy. Climb into the backseat with your spouse, cuddle up under the blanket and pop a movie into the DVD player. If you have young children, be sure to bring a baby monitor with you in case one of the kids wakes up.

Real Life Drama. This date will have to take place during the day instead of the evening, but will provide free entertainment and be a change from the ordinary. Go to your local courthouse and sit in on some of the proceedings. There are some court cases that are closed to the public, but most are open to the public. Not only will you get good seats to a real life “Law & Order” unfolding in front of your eyes, but likely, you will feel much better about the blessings in your own life by the end of it! It will also give you and your spouse many conversation starters in the days to come!

Love Others. A great way to increase your love for each other is to work together to serve others. Consider spending one of your date nights serving meals at a homeless shelter, coaching the Special Olympics, or serving another need in your community. You will be glad that you did and may see your spouse in a different light afterwards.

Invite Yourselves Over. Call up some friends or a family member and invite yourselves over for coffee, dessert, or to play board games. Likely, you will be welcomed and enjoy an evening of fun and laughter!

Imagine Another Life. For one night, act as though you have all the money in the world. Visit high-endShowhomes and choose which one you would buy (remember, in this exercise, you can have it all!). Next, go to a furniture store, one that you normally could not afford to even consider entering, and choose the furniture you would put in that dream house you just chose. Window shopping in this way can be fun and it is really important to keep dreaming no matter where your reality is. Just be sure to make it a fun time, not getting caught up in what you can’t have, and instead just focusing on possibilities and dreaming together once again!

An Old-Fashioned Picnic. Pack a picnic basket or bag of goodies. Bring a blanket to the nearest park and enjoy a meal outdoors while you people watch or bird watch or just watch each other. Afterwards, go for a stroll hand-in-hand and discuss the blessings in your life.

Crash a Party. Sneak into a wedding, a bar mitzvah, a business seminar, a fundraiser, a birthday party, or other event. If you don’t feel right about doing something like this, then just enjoy the entertainment of the wedding ceremony, keynote speaker, or dance and don’t partake in the food.

Just get out and do something different. By getting out of your comfort zone, you and your spouse will have more to talk about and will feel more connected. There’s nothing wrong with going out for dinner and a movie once in awhile on a date night, but it can quickly become expensive and monotonous if these are the only date night activities, so try a suggestion or two from this list and let me know how it goes!