Happy New Year! I love fresh starts and the first day of every new year is no exception. It always feels so full of possibilities. I like to take time to go over different areas of my life and decide what’s working, what’s not, what I’d like to change, what I’d like to accomplish, and then figure out how to implement that. I have long stopped calling it “new year’s resolutions”. I prefer to think of it as “goals”. Resolutions tend to get broken or abandoned, but goals are something to strive for, a measuring stick, a plan.
I usually write down my goals for the year and then break those goals down into lists of what things I would need to do in order to achieve those goals. I make my goals very concrete, measurable, and attainable and my lists extremely specific. This usually results in success.
This year, I have been unable to write out any goals or lists. I am stuck. I cannot decide what I want to do because I am at a bit of a crossroads in my life and I really do not know which road to go down. I know what I want to do, but I cannot for the life of me determine a way to do it. If I could clone myself or double the amount of hours in my day, I might be able to pull off what I want to, but I can’t seem to figure out a way to do that, so I am stuck.
So far, my list has only one thing on it:
“I will make my kids feel important. My face will light up when they walk in the room.”
This is based on something I heard Toni Morrison say and it has stuck with me. I am going to plaster it all over the house until it becomes habit for me.
I have vague ideas of other things that I want my list to include such as deepening my relationship with God, working on my marriage, reading, writing, being a better friend and neighbour and daughter and wife and mother and homeschooler and citizen, continuing to advocate for adoption, budgeting and getting out of debt, scrapbooking (maybe), cooking, eating, exercising, waking up earlier, taking better care of myself, eating breakfast, but I can’t step out and write the list until I make decisions about the crossroad I am at. I ask myself the questions, “what do I want to do with the rest of my life?”, “what would I do with this year if I knew that it were my last?”, “what would I do if I knew that I could not fail?”, “what does God have planned for me?”, “where is God leading me?” and I have no answers, so I wait.