Emotional regulation is many layered. One of the factors that comes into play is social emotional development. While this list is by no means comprehensive, I’ve put together some of the social emotional developmental milestones by age.
It is important to note that these ages are what is typical. They by no means apply to all children. Kids who are born prematurely, have early childhood trauma, are on the autism spectrum, or other special needs will be delayed in reaching these stages.
If you have a child with delays or special needs, ignore the ages in the list and instead look for the stage your child is currently at.
The reason I share this list is to help parents and caregivers determine what stages are best for beginning to introduce emotional regulation strategies.
Keep in mind that all children are unique and may not reach milestones at the same time or even in the same order.
Social Emotional Developmental Milestones:
2 months old
- smiling
- looking at caregiver
- crying to have needs met
- sometimes self-soothing by sucking on their hands or fingers
4 months
- smiling spontaneously
- develops an awareness of their surroundings
- playing
- beginning to imitate facial expressions
6 months
- crying, smiling, or laughing in response to your emotions
- enjoys looking at their own face in a mirror
- differentiates between strangers and familiar faces
9 months
- showing stranger anxiety
- begins showing a preference for toys or comfort objects
- may cry when caregiver leaves room
- learns the meaning of a few words
12 months
- has favourite people among those known to them
- enjoys simple games like peek-a-boo
- may show fear in new situations
- may demonstrate anxiety around unfamiliar people
- imitates sounds or actions
18 months – 2 years
- more frequent temper tantrums
- asserts independence
- may get upset when not the center of attention
- may become frustrated trying to communicate
- engages in simple pretend play, imitates what adults or other children do
- engages in side by side (parallel) play with other kids
- does not understand what others think or feel
3 – 4 years
- beginning to express a wider range of emotion
- may confuse reality and make believe
- can be spontaneously kind and caring
- play with other kids in what is called cooperative play
- separates from caregiver more easily
- uses words to communicate needs
- begins to share toys
- can sometimes work out small conflicts with other children
- not usually able to articulate emotions with words
- may still have tantrums, particularly because of changes in routine or not getting what they want
5 – 6 years
- understand others’ feelings and can be sensitive towards them
- more aware of following rules
- more conversational and independent
- enjoys cooperative play with other kids
- becomes aware of their gender
- may prefer to play with peers of the same sex as them
- will test boundaries, but they are still eager to please adults and help out
- begins to experience and understand embarrassment
- understands the difference between reality and make believe
7 – 8 years
- more aware of the perceptions of others
- trying to fit in
- expanding their vocabulary including their emotional vocabulary
- begins to understand death
- may complain about friendships and the reactions of other kids
- desire to behave appropriately, but aren’t as attentive to directions
- trying to express feelings with words, but may still resort to aggression or tantrums when upset
- greater awareness of their surroundings
9 – 10 years
- concerned about rules which can lead to bossiness
- cooperative play in group games or group settings
- uses problem solving, negotiating, and compromising skills with peers
- begins narrowing their peer group down to a few close friends
- sportsmanship emerges
- may begin to withdraw from family time or conversations to develop their own identity
- are affectionate, goofy (think fart jokes and burping contests!), and curious
- can be seen as selfish, rude and contrary (this is a stage when a lot of parents will comment “where did my sweet Sally/Billy go?”
- may change emotions quickly
- can express subtle emotion
11 – 15 years
- moods and emotions are impacted by hormones
- can show empathy
- developing leadership skills
- more logical thinking
- begins to handle emotions like fear, frustration, rejection, and loneliness
- can be introspective and moody
- needs more privacy
- values the opinions of friends and others sometimes over those of family
- may test out new ideas, values, fashion styles, speech patterns, and mannerisms while trying to find where they fit in
- begins to develop personal values
- learning to make appropriate decisions to resolve peer conflict
- understanding of consequences to actions
16 – 18 years
- striving for independence
- may start emotionally distancing themselves from parents
- can be impulsive, moody, or self-centered
- may also begin to look at how they can positively impact the world
- shows pride in success
- perhaps interested in dating relationships
- may want to spend a lot of time with friends
Knowing when certain social emotional developmental milestones can be expected will help you in knowing when to focus on teaching emotion words, emotional regulation strategies, and social skills.
It’s helpful to know what expectations are reasonable. The most important thing to keep in mind is that all children develop at their own pace. These are only guidelines.
You may also find these milestone lists helpful as well:
- Fine Motor Developmental Milestones for Ages 0-6
- Developmental Milestones Chart
- Developmental Milestones Tips and Resources
You may also be interested in these articles:
Transition Strategies for Kids
50 Simple Calm Down Strategies for Kids 
Activities to Teach Kids About Emotions 