Sharla Kostelyk

Your Child’s First Day Home (Adoption and Foster Care)

I got a wonderful e-mail question last week asking about what to do on your newly adopted child’s first day home. I hope these suggestions help you to make those first hours easier for your family and for your new foster or adopted child.

When bringing home a newborn, most people are well versed in what to do. Even for first time parents, there are a myriad of books and advice available. But there are no guides written about bringing home a two year old or a six year old or an eleven year old or even a fifteen year old.

During our eight years as foster parents, we experienced the “first day” many times and we experienced it again later as the adoptive parents to two older children. While each situation has its own unique circumstances, there are some things you can do to make that first day easier for you and for your new child.

1. Introduce yourself.

This may seem like an obvious one, but the child will likely be feeling overwhelmed and scared and even if someone else has tried to explain who you are before the meeting or if they have met you before, they may be unsure of what to call you.

Depending on the age of the child, you may wish to involve them in this decision. With a toddler, it is probably best if you introduce yourself as “mommy” and “daddy” or whatever version you want to be called. With an older child, they may be more comfortable calling you “auntie” and “uncle” or by your first name. Be sure that the choices you give them are ones that you are comfortable with. If you give them the choice to call you by your first name, they may continue to do that for quite some time and you need to be sure that you are okay with that before presenting them with that option.

Introduce them to everyone in the family including pets.

2. Give them a tour.

Take the child on a short tour of your home, being sure to point out important areas such as the bathroom(s), where they will be sleeping, where you will be sleeping, and if it’s okay to come to your room or call out to you in the night if they are afraid.

Let them know where things like towels and extra toilet paper are. Also show them where to put their things. If they are used to temporary foster homes, they may be used to living out of a suitcase or more likely, out of a plastic bag. Pointing out the dresser drawers and closet space where they can unpack their clothing will help them to feel a bit more stable.

3. Feed them.

Very quickly after arriving in your home, your new child should be given something to eat and reassured that there will be food available. Many older children coming into an adoption situation have experienced hunger whether it be through neglect or poverty and will need a lot of assurance that food will be readily available.

I always liked to open the pantry and fridge for them so that they had a visual of the food as well as letting them know that we would always have breakfast, lunch, supper and snacks. I also told them that they were welcome to help themselves to fruits and vegetables at any time. This is also a good time to ask them if there are foods that they especially like or foods that they don’t like or are allergic to. (as this first day is an exhausting, emotional one for you too, I suggest jotting their food preferences down so that you don’t forget)

4. House rules.

Take time to go over the basic house rules. This is not the time to go over every nuance and detail, but to have a sit down mini-meeting that lays out the non-negotiable house rules and clearly states what the consequences would be for breaking them. I cannot state the importance of this enough.

Many people don’t want to talk about this on the first day because they want things to be as warm and welcoming as possible for the child, but this is actually something the child WANTS and NEEDS to know.

They may have come from a situation where they experienced abuse or a very chaotic life. Setting boundaries will make them feel safe while laying out the consequences for breaking the rules will begin to address any fears they may have about being abused in your home. I suggest no more than five rules for this meeting and that the rules and consequences be written out and then hung up in an area where they can be seen. With tweens and teens, you may also want to have them sign the page.

5. Have a little welcome pack.

This is a day of mixed emotions for this child. On their first day home, they will likely be feeling nervous and likely even scared. Having a small welcome gift will let them know that you are happy to have them there. It’s also a nice ice breaker.

In an adoption situation, you will have more information about the child and will have anticipated this day. This will allow you to personalize the gift according to their age, gender, interests, and maybe even their name.

In the case of a foster child, you may not have much notice, but you will likely know ahead of time the approximate ages of the kids you are usually placed with. Based on that, you can always keep a bit of a stash of small gifts such as stuffed animals, colouring books and crayons, a book, some toiletries, a flashlight or nightlight in case they are afraid of the dark, and a few snacks. Having these items on hand will allow you to make a welcome basket when you need it.

6. Cocoon.

For many parents, the wait for an adoptive child has been a long one and they are excited to have their family and friends meet their new child. While this is understandable, having visitors over or going out will only add to the feelings of insecurity and being overwhelmed that the child is already experiencing.

Be prepared to cocoon for an extended period of time especially when adopting older children. This not only allows the child to begin to understand the permanence of this (adoptive) placement, but it sets the foundation for healthy attachment to begin. For those not familiar with cocooning, you can read more about it here.

Even with a new foster child, a period of cocooning is a good idea as they adjust to their new surroundings and process their new reality.

You might also want to read:

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

DIY Sensory Tools, Activities and Resources for Parents

By Sharla Kostelyk Leave a Comment

In our new book, Sensory Processing Explained, we dedicated an entire section to parents and providing tools and activity suggestions for the home. I wanted to share some of my favourite DIY sensory tools and activities that can be used at home. Sensory tools can be expensive. Making your own is a cost effective solution and often, the quality is even better.

By putting together your own sensory tools and creating sensory activities at home, you will save money and be able to provide your child with the sensory input they need. Adult supervision should be used with all sensory activities.

DIY Sensory Solutions for Kids’ Rooms:

DIY Weighted Banket Tutorial – This is one of the best weighted blanket tutorials I’ve found.

Homemade Stretchy Sensory Sheets – Some kids find that the weigh of a weighted blanket is too much but that a stretchy sheet provides just the right amount of resistance.

Make Your Own Tag Blanket Tutorial – For kids who need sensory feedback but not something weighted.

For Sensory Room or Sensory Space at Home:

DIY Indoor Sensory Swing

DIY No Sew Crash Mat

DIY Climbing Wall

Make your own Ball Pit using a plastic kiddie pool and pit balls or sliced up pool noodles.

DIY Sensory Board

DIY Sensory Music Wall

Quick and Easy Sensory Tent

Sensory Play:

Make Your Own Sensory Balls

Make Your Own Sensory Bottles

Make Your Own Sensory Bins

Make Your Own Sensory Bags

DIY Sensory Blocks

Rainbow Soap Foam

Tactile Sensory Cards

Make Your Own Lavender Scented Bubbles

DIY Scent Jars

Create your own weighted stuffed animal by cutting open an old stuffy and adding some nuts and bolts or weighted polly pellets. Add weight in the middle and in the feet of the stuffed animal and stitch it back up. Of course, the nuts and bolts could be a choking hazard for young children so use caution.

DIY Sensory Tools For the Backyard:

Ways to Make Your Own Simple “Water Table”

Make a Sensory Walk

Make Your Own Soap Foam Sidewalk Paint

Pool Noodle Water Wall

How to Make a PVC Pipe Sand and Water Table

DIY Sand Table

Make Your Own Calm Down Kit:

Calm Down Kit for Kids with Printable Relaxation Prompts

Christmas Calm Down Kit for Kids

Feel confident in explaining, understanding and managing sensory processing.

In Sensory Processing Explained: A Handbook for Parents and Educators, you’ll gain the tools you need to help your child or student navigate their senses. You will also find practical strategies and sensory activities that will benefit all children.

Find DIY Sensory Tools and Activities for the Classroom on Growing Hands-on Kids.

Learn more about Sensory Processing Disorder.

Recognizing the Signs of Sensory Overload in Children

By Sharla Kostelyk 4 Comments

Sensory input is coming at us constantly. Whether we are in a quiet room by ourselves or at a busy birthday party, sensory experiences are shaping how we perceive the world around us. Sensory overload can happen to all of us, but for children with sensory processing issues, it can be overwhelming. They may not have the tools and coping skills to handle all the sensory information their bodies are processing.

What is sensory overload?

Sensory overload occurs when the body is unable to process, organize, and respond to all the incoming sensory input. Although this can happen to anyone, it is more common in those who have Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) or sensory issues.

Technology and our fast paced society has led to us being bombarded with more and more sensory stimuli. It is no wonder that our brains and nervous systems are sometimes overloaded.

Picture this:

It’s public swim time at the local indoor pool. There are the sounds of kids screaming, babies crying, parents calling out to get their child’s attention, music coming over the speakers, the whir of the pumps, the constant flow of the waterslide, the drip of the waterfall, and splashing water.

You see bright overhead lights, a row of red and yellow life jackets hanging on the wall, people everywhere, pool toys and flotation devices covering the surface of the water, diving boards, a swinging rope, spinning ceiling fans, and there’s even a woman practising kickboxing on a yoga mat on the pool deck.

There is the feel of the pressure of water around you, water suddenly being splashed into your face as someone kicks nearby, the warmth of the hot tub and sauna contrasted with the cold of the salt water children’s wading pool.

You pick up on a mixture of smells as the chlorine of the adult pool and the salt water of the children’s pool mix with everyone’s shampoos and body washes and perfumes. There’s the taste of salt or chlorine as you come up sputtering. There’s the feeling of the movement through the water or the burn of the waterslide on your back and the feel of the air on your face as you quickly soar through the air off the high diving board before plunging into the water below.

This doesn’t even take into consideration the crowded change rooms or lobby. It’s easy to see how anyone could experience sensory overload on a trip to the swimming pool!

Why is it important to recognize the signs of sensory overload?

By catching the signs of sensory overload early, you can help your child to self-regulate and possibly prevent a sensory meltdown or having your child go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Sensory overload is not the same as a sensory meltdown, but it can be the precursor to one.

When children have sensory processing challenges, it makes them more susceptible to sensory overload. They may not be able to recognize the signs themselves until they are slowly taught to do so. This is why it is important for their parents or teachers to be on the lookout for clues that indicate that sensory overload is happening.

It is also important to talk about those signs with the child to help them recognize them in themselves. This is something that is usually best done later when the child is calm and no longer showing signs of sensory overload.

What are the signs of sensory processing overload in children?

appears to have a higher level of activity (over excited) or sensitivity than normal during or following an activity
becomes increasingly distracted, disoriented, or confused
may feel nauseous and/or vomit
sudden paleness or flushed, sweaty, or clammy skin
rapid breathing or slower shallow breathing
decreased or increased muscle tone
tremors
glazed-over look in the eyes or signs of a possible seizure
drowsiness/fatigue
sleeplessness
irritability and/or angry outbursts
“shuts down” and refuses to participate in an activity
makes poor eye contact
covers eyes around bright lights
covers ears to avoid loud sounds or voices
avoids being touched or touching others
constantly changing a task, never finishing
fidgeting and restlessness

Get your own copy of Sensory Processing Overload Signs to print off and keep as a reminder here.

Preventing sensory overload:

Monitor the environment. Be on the lookout for things that may be giving too much sensory input.
Reduce the visual and auditory clutter in your home, especially in rooms the child spends the most time.
Avoid places and situations that will have too much stimulus.
When those situations can’t be avoided, provide tools such as noise reducing headphones to reduce sensory input.
Work with a qualified Occupational Therapist (OT).
Offer regular sensory breaks throughout the day.
Take extra time and give warnings to help the child prepare for any transition times.
Maintain a predictable schedule and routine.
Use calming strategies and breathing techniques.

My friend Heather at Growing Hands-On Kids has written a great article detailing sensory overload in the classroom. It’s a wonderful tool to help teachers and parents.

CLICK HERE to read Sensory Processing Overload Signs in the Classroom

Don’t forget to grab your list of sensory processing overload signs!

You may also want to read:

Sensory Meltdowns

Calm Down Activities for Kids

Sensory Solutions and Activities Free Email Series

By Sharla Kostelyk Leave a Comment

If you are looking for answers to your sensory questions, sign up for our FREE email series, Sensory Solutions and Activities. Enter your email below. Your first message in the series should arrive within an hour. If it doesn’t, check your Spam folder in case it inadvertently ends up there.

Having many children with Sensory Processing Disorder has given me the opportunity to learn so much from our experience. I love being able to share that knowledge with others.

What you’ll find in this email series:

someone who understands
tools to help you along the journey
information about sensory processing
sensory solutions
sensory activity suggestions
sensory meltdowns – what they are, how to prevent them and what to do when they happen

You will also receive free printables to help you in your home or classroom.

The nice thing about getting this information in an email series is that it allows you to read when it’s most convenient for you and to keep the resources that are most relevant to you.

The Waves of Grief in Special Needs Parenting

By Sharla Kostelyk 1 Comment

There is a unique kind of grief that comes along with being the parent of a child with special needs. For me, the grief comes in waves, sometimes threatening to overtake me while at other times ebbing and allowing me the chance to breathe.

Maybe you find yourself feeling this grief too. You may feel guilty for the conflicting feelings you have. I want you to know that it’s okay to grieve.

Before you had your child, you probably had an idea of what it would be like to watch them grow up. Maybe you imagined being at their baseball games cheering from the sidelines or pictured moments snuggled up on the couch together reading a favourite story. You may even have projected things far in advance such as their wedding day or high school graduation. No doubt you also imagined what you would be like as a parent and what you would teach your child.

The dreams you had and the vision in your mind of what your family would be like probably looked quite different from how the average day plays out in your home.

And while normally, I am here to give you tools to help you better meet your child’s needs or better understand them and I’m here to help you champion your child, today, I’m here to say that it’s okay to grieve for what you thought would be and isn’t.

Do any of these apply to you?

your child’s behaviours sometimes have you in tears
you question your ability to adequately meet their needs
you’ve received a diagnosis for your child
your child rejects you
your home is more chaos than peace
you feel like your friends with “neuro-typical kids” just cannot understand
you feel isolated or alone
you sometimes think about the dream you used to have for your child
you think about “before” your child’s illness or diagnosis and feel sadness

I need you to know that feeling these things does not make you a terrible parent. These feelings do not make you an awful person. It makes you human. It is normal to grieve the loss of something. Having a child who struggles is the loss of the dream of how you thought things would be. It’s okay to grieve that loss.

To be clear, grieving the child you thought you would have does not mean that you do not love the child that is.

Give yourself the time, space and care to be able to grieve what is a very real loss. That means allowing yourself to cry, talking to others who do understand (find those who have walked this road themselves), self-care, self-care, self-care, and possibly even going to therapy to help process and work through your emotions.

The grief doesn’t end. It comes in waves. Sometimes I’m fine for months, and then BAM, I’m a puddle of tears in the fetal position on my bathroom floor holding a chocolate bar!

Seeing my daughter grieving her hearing loss, my son not having friends to invite to his birthday party, even something like reading the posts of friends on Facebook can ignite my grief anew. The waves can build up over time or swell quickly spurred on by an event or milestone.

I used to feel so guilty for these feelings. I felt like I had no right to be feeling sad myself when my child was the one being directly affected by their challenges.

But then I came to accept that it’s okay to acknowledge those feelings and to really feel them. It’s okay to admit that my dreams need to be different now. It’s okay to grieve.

Of course, it’s also important to push through and find those new dreams and new ways to create joy in your life and your child’s life. It’s about balance. You’re not going to be any good to anyone if you are crumpled on your bathroom floor clutching a chocolate bar every single day, but your family will survive if you go for a drive and have a good cry once in awhile.

If you’re looking for support or information, join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

If you’re looking for a place where other parents understand, join our group on Facebook with other parents who are parenting children with additional challenges.

You may also want to read:

Special Needs Mama, You Are Amazing!

12 Things That Special Needs Mom Needs from You

Special Needs Parenting Resources

A Summer Bucket List for Simple Fun

By Sharla Kostelyk 12 Comments

Do you remember lazy summer days spent splashing in a blow up pool with the stickiness of melting popsicles dripping down your hand? The days when you rode your bike with kids kids from the neighbourhood and played hopscotch and raced back home before the streetlights came on? It’s that kind of old-fashioned summer that I’m trying to recreate with this Summer Bucket List.

Last year, I made a Summer Bucket List for Moms Who Want to Engage because I became aware of how often I watch my kids having fun but don’t actually join in with them. It was the perfect plan for us for that season of our life. This year, I needed something different.

This year has been chaotic. I am feeling the need to simplify and get back to basics. That led me to creating this summer bucket list. The one I made for this upcoming season is one full of ideas that I remember doing in my childhood summers. I hope you are able to find some gems on here for your family.

I have tried to keep the ideas easy and inexpensive. This will help me to create a simple summer full of childhood memories for my kids.

Summer Bucket List:

Climb trees.
Go berry picking. (Saskatoons are my favourite!)
Ride bikes.
Play horseshoes.
Eat watermelon.
Have a watermelon seed spitting contest.
Count the seconds between the thunder and the lightning during a summer storm.
Blow bubbles.
Play mini golf.
Tent in the backyard.
Have a picnic.
Go fly a kite. (I cannot type that without the Mary Poppins song going through my head!)
Run through a sprinkler.
Go to a splash park.
Eat ice cream…with fixings!
Watch a parade.
Jump rope.
Build tin can stilts.
Fly paper airplanes.
Fish in the pond.
Go bowling.
Make popsicles. Let the kids invent their own popsicle recipes.
Find pictures in the clouds.
Skip rocks.
Tell ghost stories around a campfire.
Sing loudly in the van.
Play board games.
Make a DIY slip ‘n’ slide.
Play tag.
Go to a Farmer’s Market.
Cheer for a local team.
Have a water fight.
Go for a walk.
Make a lemonade stand.
Play hopscotch.
Play cards on a rainy day.
Build a fort.
Go camping.
Paint rocks.
Play in sensory bins.
Run through long grass.
Have a hula hoop contest.
Make s’mores.
Watch fireworks.
Collect seashells on the beach.
Walk barefoot.
Play on the trampoline with a sprinkler running underneath.
Build sandcastles.
Have a three-legged race.
Participate in the summer reading program at the library.
Host a neighbourhood penny carnival.
Make shrinkydinks.
Read by flashlight under the covers.
Play dress-up.
Have fun with face paint.
Put on a puppet show.
Play hide and seek.
Draw with sidewalk chalk.
Go on scavenger hunts.
Skip. (you can, but do not have to, sing “Skip to my Loo” while skipping!)
Get dirty.
Go to the playground.
Plant a garden or even just a flower.
Stay up late.
Make a tin can and string telephone.
Have a family fun night.
Go on a road trip.
Catch butterflies.
Dig up worms.
Write and mail letters to relatives, the old fashioned way, with stamps.
Help out a neighbour.
Play the telephone game. (sometimes called the whisper game)
Make real lemonade.
Red Rover, Red Rover, we call…
Have a sack race.

You can print off a copy of A Bucket List for a Simpler Summer if you want to use it to create your own old- fashioned summer for your kids. I’d love to see pictures of how it goes.

If you are looking for other fun summer ideas, you may be interested in checking out my Summer Sensory Activities Series.