Sharla Kostelyk

The Mega List of Adoption Shower Ideas

Our first adoptions were done through the foster-to-adopt program, so we weren’t able to celebrate when our children first came to us. When our oldest daughter’s adoption finalized more than 4 years after she came to live with us, a group of my friends threw me a surprise shower at a restaurant with gifts and the most lovely cards.

Then when we got her birth sister as a baby, friends threw her and I a pink themed adoption shower. It was such a special time for me to be able to publicly acknowledge this huge event in our family!

Over the years, I had held baby showers for numerous friends and relatives. All babies deserve to be celebrated, but I had missed being able to have this event for my babies. It was all the more special to be able to commemorate my new baby’s induction into our family at her adoption shower.

Years later when we brought home two children from Ethiopia, we waited until they had adjusted before we held a welcome party for them at our home.

These events are important commemorations and being able to share them with friends and family make them all the more meaningful.

Adoption Shower themes and ideas:

Happy Home Fairy shares a shower for a Russian adoption including martyroshkas (Russian Nesting Dolls) as decor and many personal touches.

The Sweetest Occasion shares ideas for an older child adoption shower or celebration.

These Three Remain has ideas for decorations and food for a Chinese adoption shower.

The Pleated Poppy has cute ideas for a globe themed adoption shower that could be used for any international adoption.

This surprise Chinese adoption shower featured on Party Wagon has beautiful decorations and all sorts of special details.

Globes and paper airplanes are the theme of this shower which would be perfect for any international adoption.

Even a simple idea like these Africa shaped cookies adds a special touch to an adoption shower.

I love the fingerprint tree in this adoption shower for an older child, indicating everyone’s support and love.

Hostess with the Mostess shares a Precious Cargo Vintage Travel shower that is just adorable!

Sweet Designs has a travel inspired party with just the most delicious little details.

This Ethiopian adoption shower has the most amazing cake and some very clever and meaningful ideas.

Joel and Kitty share about their amazing adoption baby shower before their daughter arrived.

Invitations:

Tiny Prints offers several styles of Adoption Shower invitations.

They also offer adoption announcements.

Adoption Shower gift ideas:

Books are my favourite gift for new babies, birthdays, graduations and holidays. Books make a perfect for an adoption shower.

You could choose one of the many great children’s books available about adoption or choose a book for the new parents such as The Connected Child: Bringing Hope and Healing to your Adoptive Family (especially good for a toddler or older child adoption) or Loved by Choice (my favourite treasury of heartwarming adoption stories).

Personalized gifts such as this Chosen Heart Adoption Frame, an adoption Christmas ornament, a quilt or blanket, or a special wall hanging or work of art.

I love this “Missing Piece” adoption ornament.

Cafepress and Etsy are both great places to find personalized gifts such as jewelry, handmade items, artwork and clothing.

Another thing that is nice to consider is a donation to the orphanage the child came from or to a clean water project in the community they were born if it is an international adoption.

The family may request donations be made to an adoption grant organization. There are also ways to give a gift and contribute to an adoption fundraiser as there are many families selling items to fundraise for their adoptions.

Adoption Gift Ideas:

Missing Piece Adoption Christmas Ornament Always an Angel Adoption Chosen Child Ornament Forever Family Porcelain Ornament Our First Christmas as a Family Ornament Adoption Swarovski Ornament Love You to the Moon Celebrate Adoption Ornament Adoption Christmas Ornament Adoption Triad Heart Symbol Many Hearts One Family Born In Our Hearts (Adoption) Keepsake Ornament Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family Loved By Choice: True Stories That Celebrate Adoption Happy Adoption Day!Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born We Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and Families Willow Tree hand-painted sculpted figure, Our Gift Willow Tree hand-painted sculpted figure, Child of my Heart Adoption Gotcha Gift Pillow for New Baby Adoption Gift – Personalized Wooden Block Child Keepsake Gift Custom Engraved Every Family Has a Story, Welcome to Ours Vintage Keychain Adoption Gift Born In My Heart Adoption Bracelet For Adoptive Mom Foster Mom Adoption necklace Adoption Triad Symbol Pendant Necklace for Adoptive Mom Adoption Frame, Personalized

Additional ideas:

It is always a nice tribute to the child if you can incorporate their country or culture in some way in the celebration whether that be in the food you choose to serve, the music you play, the decorations or colour scheme, or the gifts.

There are situations where it is also appropriate to honour the child’s first family in some way at the shower as well. It is best to ask the adoptive parents if they would like the invite members of their child’s first family to attend.

Write advice or well wishes on puzzle pieces for a You’re the Missing Piece themed adoption shower.

Have a Casserole Shower where you collect freezer meals to set the family up with suppers for the coming months. This is especially appreciated by families that have more than one child.

However you decide to celebrate the new addition to the family, congratulations!

Colour Mixing Sensory Science

By Sharla Kostelyk 3 Comments

Learning about colours doesn’t have to be boring. Our colour mixing sensory science made for a very fun few days! We were inspired by our Rainbow theme last week and decided to extent our learning about colors into this week. There is a song that we sang (to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It”):

“When you hug blue and yellow, it makes green; when you hug blue and yellow, it makes green; when you hug these two you’ll see a new color magically; when you hug blue and yellow, it makes green.”

Of course, for the next two versus, you make orange by “hugging” red and yellow and make purple by “hugging” red and blue.

We did a few easy color mixing experiments.

Colour Mixing Sensory Bags:

Supplies needed:

resealable plastic sandwich bags
red paint
blue paint
yellow paint

Instructions:

Squirt some blue paint and red paint into one bag, ensuring that the paints are on opposite sides of the bag. Do the same in other bags with blue paint and yellow paint in one and red paint and yellow paint in another.

Seal the bags, removing as much of the excess air as you can.

Discuss primary and secondary colors.

Have the child hypothesize what colours will be created when the paint is mixed.

Have the child mix the paints together with their fingers by moving the paint around through the bag. This is a great sensory activity too. The kids are able to create other colours by squishing the primary colours into each other.

You can hang the bags on the window using clear packing tape and have the child observe how the sun shining through affects the appearance of the colours.

This experiment is one of many included in the first volume of our Sensory Science Book. It is full of engaging hands-on learning designed to help kids retain what they learn because of using their senses in the process.

Colour Mixing Mini Volcanos:

Supplies needed:

baking soda
cake pan
vinegar
food colouring
droppers

Instructions:

Place a layer of baking soda in a cake pan. Fill three cups a third of the way with vinegar and add about five drops of food colouring to each cup.

Fill the droppers with the coloured vinegar and squeeze it out onto the baking soda. By adding another colour on top, you can create little volcanos of new colour in mixing them.

They loved this activity!The kids learned:

-that the best way to form a new colour was to have a person with one dropper of one colour and another person with another colour squeeze at the same time in the same area. Once left on the baking soda, the colours did not mix as easily.

-that mini volcanos are fun.

-that when you pour the three glasses of color into each other, you end up with almost black.

Mommy learned that when you do this activity, you should put newsprint down to protect your counters!!! (note that in the early picture, there was none underneath!)

The kids especially liked the look of the bottom of the cake plate after we were done and wished we could hang it like artwork. Unfortunately, a picture of it will have to do!

Some of the books that we read that were related to colour:

The kids also completed a great colour mixing worksheet (find it here) and had fun with some Mandala coloring pages that I printed for free from here.

They also had plenty of opportunity for hands-on learning on colour mixing with paint.

Check out these other great sensory science activities:

Jello Science Experiments

Sensory Smell Bottles

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

By Sharla Kostelyk Leave a Comment

One of the questions I hear a lot is “What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?”

I remember sitting in one of my first adoption and foster care classes and having the instructor take out a packet of Post-It notes. She gave one to each of us and asked us to stick it to one surface and then another and then another. She encouraged us to stick it on surfaces such as a blanket or clothing where it would pick up lots of gunk or on the floor where it would pick up pieces of dirt as well as sticking it to smooth surfaces such as a table.

Then she pointed out that as we moved our Post-It note from one place to another, it became less sticky, particularly after it was placed somewhere that it picked up a lot of stuff that stayed with it.

She used the analogy of that Post-It note to explain how children have a harder time attaching the more placements they have been in or the more trauma they have experienced.

Just like how the sticky part on the Post-It note didn’t adhere as well with more moves or more gunk, the child would also have a harder time attaching after multiple moves and having picked up some “yuck” along the way.

While it’s not a perfect analogy for RAD, it’s one of the best ones I’ve ever come across.

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Attachment issues fall across a spectrum. Reactive Attachment Disorder is the most extreme in that spectrum. Children with RAD feel unsafe attaching to a primary caregiver or parent.

These children were unable to form a healthy attachment due to neglect, early childhood trauma, insecure or disorganized attachment style in the parent, multiple placement such as foster care or multiple caregivers such as in an orphanage, or abuse.

Reactive Attachment Disorders and other attachment disorders take place when a child has been unable to form a consistent connection with a parent or primary caregiver.

If a young child feels that their basic survival needs are not met, they perceive that they cannot depend on others.

The child feels threatened by attachment and that people who are supposed to love you are not to be trusted.

If you suspect that your child or a child you know may have Reactive Attachment Disorder, you can read how to recognize the signs of it here. Of course, that is just a stepping off point. You will need to consult with a professional in order to get an official diagnosis.

Risk Factors for Developing RAD:

neglect
loss of a parent at a young age
early and lengthy hospitalization due to prematurity or health concerns
severe postpartum depression in their mother
living in an orphanage or institutional care
bouncing around from one home/foster home to another
physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
early childhood trauma

Regardless of what the cause of Reactive Attachment Disorder is, it requires treatment and the development of trust within a nurturing relationship in order to heal.

You may also want to read:

Is there Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Books for Reactive Attachment Disorder

Sensory Smell Bottles

By Sharla Kostelyk Leave a Comment

I’ve been wanting to make smell bottles for a long time. I first learned of them as a Montessori activity. They are also an amazing sensory activity for teaching about olfactory and providing sensory input. Sensory Science Smell Bottles #sensoryscience #smellbottles #sensoryplay My kids really enjoyed this activity. Of course, boys being boys, I got to hear what other smells we could have bottled!!! How is it that boys can always find a way to find the gross factor?!

If you’re doing a unit on the Senses, this is a good way to introduce the sense of smell.

This is an inexpensive activity as you will likely have most of the supplies at home already. I found the travel spice bottles we used at the dollar store. You could also use leftover empty spice bottles if you have any.

How to Make Sensory Smell Bottles:

Supplies needed:

travel spice bottles
cotton balls
coffee beans or coffee grounds
cinnamon
peppermint extract or peppermint essential oil
lavender essential oil or lavender
coconut
lemon essential oil or lemon juice

Put the coffee grounds or beans in one bottle, some cinnamon in another, some coconut in another.

Put some peppermint extract or essential oil on a cotton ball, lavender essential oil on another, and lemon juice or lemon essential oil on another cotton ball. Place each cotton ball into a container.

Have the child guess what each smell is. With younger kids, allow them to use their visual sense as well. They can look for clues such as colour and pair that with the smell to help them figure out what it is.

Help your child play “Sensory Detective”. If you print out the corresponding Smell Bottle Cards (available in the Sensory Science Book Volume 1), lay them out for your child to match the scents to.

With older kids, have the child try the activity blindfolded so that they are only using their sense of smell.

Try filling the bottles with more challenging scents to identify such as a flower, dirt, honey, pepper, salt, or orange.

Talk about what the smells are and how our sense of smell also affects what things taste like. You can find an explanation about smell and taste to share with kids here.

Note that just like all senses, some kids will be more sensitive. They may find some (or all) of the smells too strong or even offensive.

Allow them to go at their own pace. Let them hold the bottle further away or even smell through the lid. Some kids’ sense of smell is so strong that they will be able to smell it through the closed lid.

Find this sensory science activity and many more in The Sensory Science Book, full of engaging hands-on learning ideas.

Check out these other sensory science activities:

Jello Colour Mixing Experiment

Outdoor Sensory Scavenger Hunt

Join me for a free 5 part email series Sensory Solutions and Activities (just pop your email into the box below) and get a printable list of 175 Great Sensory Ideas.

What is Positive Parenting?

By Sharla Kostelyk Leave a Comment

When our older two boys were young, I had basically no idea what I was doing as a parent. I had gone to a Barbara Coloroso seminar while I was pregnant with my oldest and that gave me a few new tools to use as well as some new philosophies to think about. This statement she made impacted me immediately:

“Encouraging a child means that one or more of the following critical life messages are coming through, either by word or by action: I believe in you, I trust you, I know you can handle this, you are listened to, you are cared for, you are very important to me.” ~Barbara Coloroso

I wanted to raise my children in such a way that they would feel that they were important and valued, that they were capable and loved. I just wasn’t sure how to go about doing that.

Over the next years, I struggled to find a parenting style. I’ve swung from overly permissive to overly rigid and back again. I tried different discipline methods, read so many parenting books, attended parenting seminars, only to feel like I was failing as a mom.

It was actually after we became foster parents and were taking mandatory training for that when I began to stumble upon some truths that sat well with me.

The idea of positive parenting or connected parenting brought me back to what had struck home for me about that Barbara Coloroso quote from so many years before. I wanted to raise my kids in such a way that they would feel like that.

Since changing my parenting to follow the models of positive parenting or connected parenting set for me by such incredible experts as Dr. Karyn Purvis, I have been able to feel more confident about my responses as a parent.

That’s not to say that I have it all together. Most days I still struggle and there are still plenty of moments when I need a “do-over” for my own reactions, but the trajectory is at least going in the right direction.

I know that my kids have more positive interactions with me than negative ones. My kids are learning how to effectively express their emotions. I’m learning to stay calm even in the heated moments. Our home is becoming more peaceful. It’s still loud, as you can imagine with so many kids under one roof, but I’m becoming more skilled at handling the conflicts that arise.

I know that when people hear the term “positive parenting”, they can sometimes assume that means a parenting style that has the kids walking all over the parents, but that isn’t what positive parenting is about.

What is positive parenting?

Positive parenting is a school of thought that allows children to be treated with respect. It emphasizes relationship and communication and its goal is to teach children, not to punish. Positive parenting is about nurturing the relationship between parent and child.

Positive parenting solutions:

emphasis on attachment and relationship
connection before correction
clearly defined rules so that children know what to expect
validating child’s feelings
getting down on the child’s level and making eye contact
offering choices which allows the child to feel that they have a voice and allows them to have a sense of control
saying “yes” when you can
not using any physical punishment
focusing on connection
using discipline methods such as natural consequences, time-ins, redirection, and the art of the compromise
offering meaningful, thoughtful praise
seeing negative behaviour as a method of communication

Is positive parenting effective for children with special needs?

Traditional parenting methods are not effective with most children with special needs. Traditional parenting methods may include things such as long lectures, time outs, grounding, and corporal punishment (spanking).

While positive parenting is wonderful for all children, it is particularly effective with children who have special needs.

In particular, children with attachment issues or Reactive Attachment Disorder, sensory processing disorder, early childhood trauma, autism, and chromosomal disorders respond best to positive parenting.

Is positive parenting easy to do?

I’m not going to lie to you. It can be very challenging to use positive parenting methods if you were raised with other parenting methods yourself. Your default will usually be to react in a similar way to how your own parents reacted.

It takes time, a lot of intentionality and learning, and practise, practise, practise before these things start to feel more natural. Even then, during times of extreme stress or when you are overtired or overwhelmed, it can be easy to slip back into your default parenting style.

When that happens, give yourself grace. Apologize to your child (which provides a great opportunity to model taking accountability for our actions!) and try again.

Give yourself credit for the efforts you’re making and the baby steps you’re taking towards being the kind of parent you ultimately want to be.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Check out some other parenting help:

Connection Activities for Parents and Their Kids Books for Connected Parenting

Adopting Older Children Internationally – What I Wish I Had Known

By Sharla Kostelyk Leave a Comment

Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking about our time in Ethiopia when we went to pick up our son, who was 7 at the time, and our daughter, who was 4 at the time. In a lot of ways, things did not go very well. Do you see the truth behind the picture above? Look closely into our overtired, overwhelmed faces.

Our adoption agency had gone bankrupt, so we were traveling four months sooner than we had planned and were not prepared emotionally, financially, or in a practical sense.

Due to the circumstances, my husband Mark was there for a week before I arrived and he had a really hard time communicating with the kids, leaving all three of them feeling frustrated.

I was able to pick up Amharic (the language they spoke) much easier than Mark was. Although that did help, I still did not know enough of the language to be able to really put the kids’ fears at ease.

The kids were, in general, traumatized and terrified. Our time in Ethiopia was, in all honesty, a bit of a nightmare. Reflecting on it now that things are settled and I am not in an emotional or exhausted state of mind, I am able to see what I wish we had done differently or had known at the time that would have helped us.

I hope that by sharing what I wish I had known when we adopted older children, others can have an easier transition than we did.

1. It gets better! The road has not been an easy one. There have been a lot of ups and downs. It took a lot of work, but it also just took time. I wish I would have been able to know with certainty that things were going to get better because I lost sleep, tears, and worry at the time, wondering if life was always now going to be hard.It took a long time for things to get better for us. I hope I don’t scare you by saying that they got a lot worse before they got better. (see #5!) Healing is possible.

2. Their initial behaviour is not a reflection of your parenting. This one may seem obvious to others. Of course if you have only met the child the day before for the first time, their behaviour has nothing to do with you or your parenting skills, but at the time, I felt like I must be the worst parent in the world.

When we would go out in public and they would tantrum, I would feel like people were judging me. When we were alone in the hotel room and they were having tantrums, I was judging me!

In retrospect, they were two scared little kids who did not speak the same language as me and were going through a traumatic time. I was a complete stranger and their behaviour or sadness had nothing to do with my parenting skills or lack thereof. I wish I had been able to relax and not take it so personally.

3. Take Time to Breathe. We were so sleep deprived before even arriving in Ethiopia. Add to that the time change and the stress, and our brains just were not working at their full capacity! Looking back now, I am able to see simple solutions for things that at the time, seemed like major problems.

As an example, our kids usually only wanted to eat doro wat (which is like a chicken stew). Traditionally, it is served with a hard boiled egg. Our kids would fight and tantrum over who got the one egg. They didn’t want us to cut it in half. They didn’t want to take turns. They would not share it. Every time, this egg was a huge issue.

Now that I can think clearly, I realize that we should have ordered it with an extra egg – such an obvious solution, but one that did not occur to us the entire time!

Of course, eventually you want your kids to learn about turn taking and sharing, but the most tumultuous time in their lives is probably not the time to start insisting on that! My suggestion would be to take a step back and take a deep breath and consider simple solutions. I can think of about ten other examples of this same type of thing during those weeks where we were so stressed out that we were not thinking clearly.

4. Don’t count on anything. Many families travel to pick up older children and find that their children are easy and they are able to tour the country and spend time with other adoptive families. This is often the case because most children will have a honeymoon period initially. But there are exceptions and in our case, our kids did not have a honeymoon period while we were in country.

It soon became apparent that our plans to travel around Ethiopia were not going to work out. If you have strong expectations for what your kids are going to be like or for travel or sightseeing that you plan to do when you are there, you will likely be disappointed.

I wish we had gone into it with less expectations and been more easy-going about it. When we finally resigned ourselves to the fact that our kids did better if we just stayed in the room and ate our food in the room and did not go out, things improved dramatically.

5. Reactive Attachment Disorder and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are real. Research Reactive Attachment Disorder, Developmental Trauma Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder prior to your adoption. Nothing you read could ever prepare you for the reality of living it.

I suggest that at minimum, research by reading and take the time to speak candidly to families who have lived it. Even this will not adequately prepare you, but it may help arm you with a toolbox of skills in case you need them.

Preparing ahead could help you recognize the signs earlier as well. If you are able, attend conferences while you wait for the adoption. The conference I would recommend as the best would be the Empowered to Connect Conference.

These books are a good place to start in preparing for adopting an older child.

6. You’ll have to parent differently. Parenting an older internationally adopted child the same way you would a biological child who has been with you since birth won’t work.

You’ll need to use connective parenting strategies. You’ll have to be sensory aware. You’ll have to practise extreme self-care. Incorporate connection activities. Give them an emotional vocabulary. Learn about anxiety in kids. Be trauma aware. Learn calm down tools.

You may become an expert in fight, flight, or freeze. This is not going to be your average parenting rodeo!

7. Let it go! I had this foolish notion that while we were in Ethiopia, we should have rules for them and consequences so that they could begin to adjust to our house rules (our family isn’t overly strict, but we do have some basic rules). I was convinced that if we were pushovers in Ethiopia, they would walk all over us once we got home.

When I think about that now, about how I gave them time-outs (they were probably completely bewildered because they couldn’t even understand most of what I was saying), my heart just breaks for them. I wish I could go back and just hold them more, play with them more, and let everything else go.

Who would it have killed if she had worn his flip flops instead of her shoes every day?

So what if they had not brushed their teeth for those two weeks (they ended up having over $4,000 in dental work that needed to be done, so I’m sure that an extra two weeks of not brushing after years of not brushing wouldn’t have made a difference!).

My advice to others would be just to relax and get used to each other slowly during the trip. The rules can be introduced once you are home.

8. Try not to predict their personalities. This is a really tough one for people. All we have of our kids are these pictures and so we have spent hours analyzing the pictures and poring over every detail, including their facial expressions. From that, we naturally make assumptions about their personalities and then when we meet them, if they do not match what we expected, it can be a difficult shift.

In our daughter’s referral and update pictures, we thought she looked so sad, heartbroken actually. Now that we know her, one of those looks is kind of a sad look, but more of an “I didn’t get my way” kind of sad, and the other, a mischievous look!

From our son’s pictures, we pegged him as being outgoing and fun and happy. It turns out that though he is friendly and very likeable, there was a lot of sadness hiding behind that smile and underneath those bright eyes, was a traumatized boy who needed help to work through his feelings and his past.

9. You cannot do it alone.The first weeks home are much harder than anyone can prepare you for. Even if your child is in a honeymoon phase or just an easy child, it is a huge transition for the whole family.

You will have jetlag and even possibly be ill. If you have other children at home, they will need extra time and attention when you get back, not only to reassure them that they have not been replaced, but they will have missed you while you were away.

Many mothers experience post adoption depression, from mild to severe. The language barrier alone is exhausting.

The extra laundry, extra cooking, extra thinking, extra emotion, extra stress, and the extra appointments as you sort through parasites, fungus, and perhaps even therapy for your child create a life much busier than the one you had before.

ASK FOR HELP! Better yet, set it up before you leave, while you are still able to think straight enough, while you have time to make the phone calls. Arrange for people to bring meals, do laundry, clean your house, or take your other kids out for outings.

10. Attachment and bonding are possible. With our previous adoptions, we had gotten our kids as newborns or babies, so I did not expect that I would be able to attach as much to older children. I knew that over time, they would feel like my kids, but I thought that it would take a long time.

Secretly, I worried that maybe I would never be able to love them with the fierceness and passion that I love my other kids.

I wish I had known then what I know now…that sometimes just thinking about or talking about these two can bring me to tears, that the first time I went away without them, I missed them with a hollowness that is difficult to describe, that they are a part of me.

I wish I had known that even with kids who were seven and four the first time I held their hands in mine, I would be forever changed by their love.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Is there Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Is there hope for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder? #adoption #parenting #RAD #reactiveattachmentdisorder

Books for Those Adopting an Older Child