I know that if you are a regular reader, you’re used to hearing from only me. I don’t usually allow guest posts on The Chaos and The Clutter, but when my friend Jennifer approached me about her story, I knew I had to make an exception. I think that most of us have the view of kidnapping as being stranger abductions and I know that I certainly think of it as something that isn’t likely to ever happen to my kids, but believe me, if it can happen to her, it can happen to me and it could happen to you.
That’s why I felt that sharing her story was so important. Knowledge is power. I was shocked reading the statistics. If this helps one family not to have to go through this or helps a family who does go through it to have a positive outcome, then her coming forward to share her story will have been worth it.
With that, I’m turning this over to Jennifer as she shares with you in her own words her personal experience with something she never thought could happen to her.
We’ve all seen played up kidnappings on TV – a late night home invasion, followed by a ransom note, and a frantic family gathered around their coffee table with FBI officers and high-tech equipment.
Image Copyright: ababaka / 123RF Stock Photo
While kidnapping is one of the biggest modern fears that plagues parents, at the center of the debate against free-range parenting and receiving constant buzz on social media, as a society, we have a really inaccurate idea of what kidnapping actually looks like.
I’m scared to share my kidnapping story.
Correction. My daughter’s kidnapping story.
I’m scared for a few reasons, but mostly I’m scared of receiving judgment or of bringing judgment upon my child. Being a single parent family, we already encounter some surprising judgment, so do I really want this additional label attached to our family? Do I want other families to avoid us and label us as “too much drama” for having had this happen to us?
But our story needs to come out, because there is so much that isn’t said about kidnapping. So much that I didn’t know until after I lived it, and if I can make one more person sympathetic to the experience, or allow another parent to know that they are not alone in living out one of the worst experiences a parent could face, then, hopefully it was worth it.
1. It typically isn’t a stranger.
Most kidnappers are actually family members. Family members who object to a custody arrangement, or who are trying to exercise some imaginary control over one’s family.
Any taking or moving of a child without the permission of the custodial parent is a kidnapping.
American statistics can be found here and Canadian statistics can be found here.
2. Kidnappers Don’t Always Know They Are Kidnapping.
As an extension of the previous point, kidnappers who are simply “taking their child not on their assigned day” or “taking the grandkids for a weekend at the cottage despite their silly mother trying to ruin the fun” often won’t recognize that they are kidnapping. They sometimes think they are within their rights (even if the courts don’t agree) or they justify their actions in some other way.
To this day, if you were to ask my family member if they kidnapped my daughter, the most they would probably admit to is “overstepping boundaries.”
3. Police aren’t always notified.
Those who have never experienced a kidnapping are incredulous at this. They blame the parent for being stupid or even possibly being an accessory to the kidnapping if they didn’t notify police, but many kidnappings go unreported.
Why? Because people want to solve the issues within the family, or they are afraid to escalate the situation.
For me, I didn’t want my daughter to experience police intervention. The kidnapper was a close family member who my daughter loved and it would have been traumatized her to watch the family member be arrested or to experience being taken away in a police car away from the family member. I knew that the family member who had my daughter was not traumatizing or abusing my daughter.
Further, unless there are advantages to having a record of police intervention, parents might want to avoid the involvement of the secondary agencies that will become involved after the police are called – Child Services, school authorities, etc.
For my daughter’s return, I negotiated through other family members for a peaceful resolution. On day three of the kidnapping, we agreed to a return date, but I still had little idea where my child was located, and I was unable to speak with her. Involving the police could have led to a much longer negotiation and less willingness to cooperate.
Image Copyright: backyardproduction / 123RF Stock Photo
4. Bonding with your child after reunification is tough.
My daughter wasn’t aware of what had really happened. She was happy to see me when she returned, but she was also conflicted because we had never been apart for that length of time before and she resented my absence.
For me, I was overjoyed to have her home, but I also knew that I had failed her. I had experienced the loss of my child, and even though she was back in my arms, there would always be a part of me that had lost her. That week of her life will always be etched on my heart, and I don’t know that I will ever feel completely whole again as a parent.
Coming home was the end of the worst, but the beginning of our rebuilding our relationship post-kidnapping.
5. You’re not allowed to grieve.
The kidnapping wasn’t over once my daughter was home. I was jumpy and experienced a bit of depression, and then felt guilty for spending my daughter’s precious time back home being disorganized, scatterbrained, and allowing our home to get messy and cluttered. I felt inadequate and unworthy of being her mom.
Because I was so stressed out and anxious about the incident, I did overreact at a few of my daughter’s outbursts (likely caused by her own stress from the incident).
I could only handle one thing at a time, and was easily overwhelmed.
For the most part, people didn’t know about the incident. That was my choice in protecting my family’s privacy. But the flip side was, people were confused and annoyed by my disorganization and inability to cope with normal deadlines and tasks. Honestly, if I had not been self-employed at the time, I would likely have been fired.
Of the 20 or so people who knew what happened, very few of them gave me grace once my daughter was home. They were understanding when she was kidnapped, but once she was home, I was expected to be back to normal.
6. You’re not alone.
Perhaps you’ve been there. If not, I pray that you’ll never be there.
Because this is such a lonely experience, and one that many of us hide, we often go through it alone.
We feel misunderstood. We feel like others will judge our situation – or will judge us for being in the situation.
I’m afraid to tell people. I’m afraid that they will avoid us because our family seems like too much drama, and I wouldn’t even blame them. I’m afraid people will associate my daughter with something that happened to her, rather than the wonderful person that she is – that they will see a pawn in a sick grown-up power game rather than a sweet, loving girl who is going to move mountains one day.
As alone as I felt, the statistics show that I am not alone.
I’m sharing my story today because what we picture as kidnapping needs to change, and hopefully, if you ever witness someone going through this horrific experience you can extend a bit of grace and understanding.
~Jennifer
Jennifer, thanks for sharing your story! I think we need to RESPECT other moms, what they do, what they TRY to do, always realize that we will never know what it’s like to be in their shoes, and just give as much support as possible. I hope that you know that you have mine.
Your story not only made me hug my own son a little tighter, but also appreciate my family members on whom I can count. Anyone who BLAMES someone because they have unsupportive family is not only way out of place, but not the kind of person I’D want to know. I don’t need THAT kind of drama.
I read this with an anxious heart because it happened to me. However, I was the sibling of a child kidnapped during what we believe was a custody dispute. I now have three children under the age of four, and myself and my .husband are incredibly different than pretty much all of the other parents we know. We are incredibly loving. We are hyper aware. My patience abounds. Other parents comment on my patience, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be from a family in which this has taken place; where children can just go missing. Watching your mother deny her child was stolen from her. Watching her .suffer silently. My sister was kidnapped and I found out at the age of seven (it happened when I was one. She was almost three). My mother seems to have never recovered, nor have I. My sister, whom I met via MySpace (she found me at age 20. It was a weird conversation!!) has also definitely not recovered. This situation ruined lives and deprived me of so much. I never really thought found a good reason why the police were never involved, though after reading this I’m sure my mom didn’t want cps involved. I had never thought of that. Honestly, they probably should have been. It is and was a pretty terrible situation and cps could’ve helped. I’ll never not be the sister of a kidnapped kid, and I find that talking about it helps.
Thank you for sharing. It’s kind of nice to know that another mom is out there, knowing exactly what I do. I don’t want anybody to know what it feels like, but it’s just kind of comforting that someone else understands. Blessings to you and your little one.
Hi Stacey,
Thank you so much for commenting and I’m so sorry to hear that you went through this and how it effected your family. I am so glad to hear that you have reconnected with your sister. 🙂
I think if it had gone on for “too long” (whatever that felt like) I would have involved police, but I knew from previous police involvement with this family member (prior to my daughter being born) that the family member still would have continued to play games, now with the police involved, and the record of CPS involvement could effect my personal live of trying to adopt and also if my daughter’s father ever came out of the woodwork – undermining any security or support system claims that would support my continuing sole custody. (Not to mention the trauma of my daughter finding out the details of what happened – something I hope not to share with her until she is old enough to process it.) It is a tough decision and for me, I know it wasn’t one I made lightly.
Kiaora. My 7 year old ADHD son just today decided he was walking to school because he was frustrated with me. We’d had an argument in the morning about his morning jobs. I sat at my desk & did some work. My poor way of taking time out from our shared frustrations. He decided, for his time out, to sit in the car parked in our very safe private car park (thankfully) in our very safe residential neighbourhood (even more thankful!). He yelled, “I’m walking to school!” I thought, well, he won’t get far. So off I went to follow him…..except I couldn’t find him……anywhere…….at all. Panic. Drive around. More panic. Get my husband. Panic. School. He’s at school.
He had started walking. Then came back. My car was gone (looking for him) so he started walking again. School next door to us saw him, took him into school, rang his school, teacher picked him up. At his school. I love that school. I am entirely grateful for the responsible & aware schools in my area. I. Hated. Every. Minute. I. Couldn’t. See. Him.
It has taken me all day to calm down. It is taking me all day to calm down. I keep crying. What if? What if? I can’t think. I can’t focus on work. I can’t just get on. Worst nightmare – my son, my world. What if? The incident was bad enough but the emotional aftermath is worse – it stays with me – my fears, my uncried cries – it all stays with me – deep inside, in my heart where he lives & breathes with me. The terror. I will never ever forget what happened or could have happened today. I will never ever forget this terror.
I am so sorry Jennifer that very very few understood the aftermath for you, let alone the terror filled incident that precipitated the aftermath. I am so sorry you were left alone to deal with all of life in this. My heart cries out for you & hopes safety is an enveloping gift to you & your family – that you are all wrapped up in it & it guards you.
My hope for you, & me, is that our terror does not revisit us & we outlive all of it with our children. I’m hoping today I find peace in the aftermath, despite the uncertainties of what could be. Meanwhile I’ll just keep feeling my feelings as they visit me until peace & I become reacquainted again. Much love.
Jennifer, I’m sorry that some of the people in your life were not understanding or supportive after your precious child got home. What an ordeal you went through! Of course anyone would be a mess for a while.
You experienced my worst nightmare when my children were growing up. I was divorced and my ex was a very unpredictable alcoholic, I watched my kids like a hawk, even when they were in school, I made sure the school knew who could and could not pick up my kids. This was before all the school shootings and resource officers and the precautions that they take today. I am sure that everyone, even my immediate family thought I was being “dramatic” but when you have your ex and his girlfriend knocking on your door you don’t want to take chances. I was fortunate that my children were safe and are grown now with children of their own, I treasure my Grandchildren and I also respect my grown children’s right to “Parent their own children”. That is the law in this Country. About a month ago an Amber Alert came out because a 3 year old had been taken presumably by her non-custodial father. When everything came out in the news the “father” had gone to his ex wife home, they argued over the child, he stabbed and killed the mother and took the girl. She was found a few days later in Ohio. Fortunately a man had seen the car that was described and saw the little girl sitting in the car. He said that the little girl waved and smiled at him. He called the police and followed the car until the police could get there and arrest the father. Life will never be the same for that little girl. She was not allowed to go with any family member, she was taken by Social Services and the last I heard their was a fight as to who would raise the child. For anyone that thinks that you are being overly protective, or have too much drama in your life, tell them about this story. There is no such thing as being too Alert or Aware when your children are concerned. The little girl in this story will never have the life she had before, she will grow up knowing that her father is a murderer and her mother was taken away by him. She may not remember all the details of this horrible incident but I guarantee she will never be the same as she would have been had this not happened. The man that saw her and reported the car to the police was given a reward of over a thousand dollars, he in turn gave the money to the little girl for her college fund. As for the situation you found yourself in Jennifer, I am so very sorry that you had to go through something like this. Of course you are not the same person, and the world will not seem like a safe place for you or your child for a long time if ever. However, you and your child will find a new normal. It won’t be the same as it was, nor should you try to make it be. If someone in your circle doesn’t understand this, then you just found out who is NOT your friend. Stay close to those that do. This is a different world than the one I grew up in (I am 56) and it is different from the one I raised my children in. I fear for the way things are going for my Grandchildren and I am certainly grateful I don’t have to traverse the minefields that parents do in this day and age. Good luck to you and to all the young mothers. I pray that you find peace.
Wow, Thank you so much for sharing. I thought my situation was kidnapping also and unfortunately for me a lot has happened since then that continues to b difficult. I need a lawyer to help so i can bring this up. I just want u to know u helped me. Thank you
I’ve read jennifers story and have been reading everybody’s comments too. On 21August this year 2016, my wife abducted my 3young children back to the uk from Spain. As far as I was concerned we had an amazing marriage for 11years of the 14years we had been together. We never argued, shouted at each other, there was no violence in any ay shape or form and my 3children could not be happier in their lives. My son of 8yrs was in the top 5 of his class in an all Spanish school, my middle daughter of 6 also loved school and loved having sleep-overs with her friends at weekends, and my 3year old was also happy in nursery and was due to start big school in September. This whole situation has seen my heart be ripped from my chest by my wife whom I still love as much as the first day we met. My wife will not tell me the reason for her decision and for what ever reason is being obstructive in allowing me to see my children. I have recently sought legal advice from the uk as well as Spain and my wife has committed not only an offence according to Spanish law but also international law in accordance wit the Hague Convention. Unfortunately my wife has no intent on returning the children to Spain nor will she come with me to see a relate councillor to talk about her reasoning and decision that she had made. She is being financially supported by her sister who has paid not only for her flights back to the uk but also for clothes and a property to rent. Due to my wife’s actions, and believe me, I really did not want this to happen, but I have had to proceed with an application with the Hague to recover my children back to Spain, our habitual place of residence.
I am a complete and utter wreck. I am not eating, I cannot work, I am constantly crying and the feelings that I have had on a few occasions have been so low that I have even thought about ending it all to stop my pain and suffering. I really wouldn’t wish this huge array of feelings and emotions on my worst enemy, and I really do urge anyone to talk to their partners, husbands or wives about any concerns you may have in life before taking your children away from the other parent. If only someone could give you a taste of the feeling that I have been and still am feeling, for sure, if you had any respect for your partner you would reconsider just jumping on a plane and running away with your children.
I am hoping to here back this week confirming that my application has been accepted and so the first court hearing should be only another week or so thereafter. There are only ever 2 hearing in these cases and the odds of recovering my children back to Spain are seriously stacked in my favour.
I am so dreading the day that my children are returned, not only because of the confusion for the poor innocent children, but also for my wife who loves the children dearly. This is not about pay-back, it’s about 2parents, one of which thought that she was above the law and who does not wish to talk about her reasoning for her actions and the welfare and well being of 3 beautiful and inocent young children who rely on there parent to teach right from wrong and good from bad.
I am sorry if I have ranted on but I need people to realise that that mothers as well as fathers have the capability of abducting their own children without sparing a thought for the childrens well being or the feelings of their partner.
Good luck to everyone in your lives and please, Romberg to talk your feelings sooner rather than later if you are not happy in your relationships. Seek help also if you feel it is needed.
Many thanks. S
My situation is almost identical. It is almost a year since my twin sons were abducted by their mother. I have spent all my money on lawyers and doing a Hague application. I feel so confused and hurt, some days I consider suicide as the pain is almost unbearable but I cannot imagine putting my friends and family through such heart-break and never seeing my sons again.
I went through exactly this experience and it is ongoing. Very complicated as my wife took my children to Israel. I got them back through The Hague but was so flustered i split custody with her and she removed them from the US again. It was all so strange I didn’t know how to think..I would like to be in touch, as fathers that go through this are not a minority but we are a minority’s in connecting and dealing with the reality of loss. I’m sill at a loss and had symptathy before, and then as on as I allowed the children to be with the mother, when the judge took away her rights, i lost all authority. I never wanted them to not be with their mother..but i was played..it’s just heartbreaking. You aren’t alone though.
As a former elementary school teacher, I can say that this happens all too often and ranges from quiet situations where no one realizes what’s happened to scary lock-down situations where a parent is released from prison and comes after the kids at school using a gun to make a point. I’m glad you shared this story, though, because unless something like this happens to you (or you’re exposed through work or something), then you have NO CLUE things like this go on. And I’m also very glad you mentioned WHY you didn’t want to involve the authorities, because I just don’t think most people realize how deeply government involvement can affect the future!
I must admit I’m a bit confused… you state in the beginning that “your story needs to come out”, but you never actually shared your story. Only a vague and ambiguous “list” anyone could have written honestly. Your lack of detail about your specific situation made it hard to give you credibility. I’m not trying to be harsh, surely you experienced something awful (what exactly though?), and your intentions are good.
Kia ora Jennifer, it was reassuring to have your website to refer to, my children’s caregivers and I are in kidnapp alert and have a family safety plan in place when they are in my care. A detective contact my childrens caregivers to alert them to a possible kidnapping by the father. We are all on high alert which has urged me to google any kind of advice with regards to keeping my children and my family who are the caregivers who lovingly and protectively care for our children. Emotionally I feel in fight or flight which is fuelled by adrenaline, the most recent access with my children went well with no incidents thank god. Family members have my children in there care and I share access every school holidays, we all work together as a family with our kids safety and care in mind, I am so lucky to have such awesome supportive carers for my kids as well as being family is even better. I am trying to focus on what I can do to create a safe place and a plan while my kids are with me, without a plan I would feel totally unprepared for a potential kidnapping, all my family and I can do is follow the safety plan, my kids know that wherever we are I am to give them the car keys and that they are to get to the car and lock themselves in, to not get out, to ring the police and there uncle and wait for them to arrive, and my daughter who is 16 can drive her brother to a safe place if she feels the need to. At home they are to lock themselves in the car and lock the garage door to the garage, they will call there uncle and the police, they will wait locked in the car for help to arrive. I will be taking care of the threat inside by locking the house secure and assessing the danger, and to disengage by waiting for help to arrive. Thank you for sharing your story it has helped me to secure what I already know with regards to kidnapping, that it does not have to be a stranger that it is most likely family which is so true in my case, that my kids father is a real threat to my children being kidnapped, thank-you from MMP, Hastings NZ.
Hi. Jennifer I understand what you and your family went though. Im actually going though the same thing. However the Police are not considering it parental kidnapping. Im not understanding why they’re not. Its a shame that any mother and her child should go though obstacles like this. Kidnappings are crimes!!! Kidnappings are serious and the criminal and or criminals need to be arrested. Point blank period. Your story was heartfelt. Im letting you know your story will be heard by many. Laws are about to get questioned?
I agree with Erin. Meaning no disrespect, but the lack of explaining the situation undermines your credibility. The reader is left to speculate about the actual circumstances of your experience.
I feel like I wrote this myself. Thank you for sharing your story. My child was also taken from me but with the aid of police. Does anyone have advice or suggestions on how to proceed in getting her back safely? The family courts have failed me in this. Either because I don’t know how to procedurally and correctly request the right order for enforcement by police, or the case I am currently in won’t allow a means to obtain her without risking her harm by proceeding in it. Thanks again for sharing this. I appreciate your courage and hope your family is doing better.
Thank you so much for this article. It was like you put into words how i feel especially the part about feeling like there is a part of you that lost her. I always feel incomplete, almost like i lost a part of her life. I was able to reunite with my daughter after 4 months of being abducted to another country. I was completely depressed and almost suicidal at the time. Even after 4 years i know i still haven’t recovered from the experience but i thank God every day that i got her back.
Hi Nicole LaGrange, I am sorry you are going through this heart-wrenching experience. Are your present country of residence and the country your child was taken to signatories to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International child abduction? If so, you might be able to seek help by making an application through the Hague Convention for your child’s return.
To Jennifer:
Thank you for sharing this. When my daughter was 2 years old, her father did not return her from a supervised visit (his parents being the supervisors). My situation was not legally considered kidnapping, because we did not have a custody court order. He had been using crack on a daily basis at the time. It was the worst experience in my life. All I could think about and do was work on getting her back. I didn’t sleep for days. I spoke with lawyers and police officers, and was told the only way I could quickly get her back was to wait until he wasn’t physically with her, and pick her up from the people watching her. I knew this was possible, because he would eventually leave her with someone so he could go somewhere to smoke crack.
Finally, I was informed by a friend who knew him from a recovery group he used to attend she was at his parents house and he was not there.
I did not want to traumatize her with police involvement, but I knew his parents were not go to willingly give her to me. I went to the police station in his parent’s town. I provided proof she was my child. I told them he had a crack addiction and was actively using the drug. They escorted me to his parents house, and knocked on their door and told them, legally, they had to allow her to leave with me. They argued for a minute or so and then they let us all in the house. I found her napping in a bedroom. I carefully picked her up and placed her in my car. We quietly left for home. She woke up in her own bed and clung to me for days.
Years following this incident, I was in constant fear she would be taken from me again.
I hold no animosity toward his parents, because, months later, they explained they helped him because they believed the lies about my parenting he told them. They thought they had been keeping her safe. They are now involved in both our lives, and know I am a good mother. With that said, I trust them again.
I no longer hold animosity toward her father. Mostly because he is her father and is now a good dad, because he has been cleaned for 5 plus years. I don’t 100% trust him, but she is much older now and, I believe, she would not allow him to keep her against my will. Plus, she is older now and would remember being traumatized by it and he is now a good father. For years after he was clean, I still fear she wouldn’t return from her visits with him. However, I no longer fear it – thank goodness. It is a horrible feeling.
To all parents who went through a kidnapping, and who currently are – I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I hope the best for you, and (in a sense) you are not alone. May he or she return to you soon and may you recover from the trauma.