Maybe you find yourself feeling this grief too. You may feel guilty for the conflicting feelings you have. I want you to know that it’s okay to grieve.

Before you had your child, you probably had an idea of what it would be like to watch them grow up. Maybe you imagined being at their baseball games cheering from the sidelines or pictured moments snuggled up on the couch together reading a favourite story. You may even have projected things far in advance such as their wedding day or high school graduation. No doubt you also imagined what you would be like as a parent and what you would teach your child.

The dreams you had and the vision in your mind of what your family would be like probably looked quite different from how the average day plays out in your home.

And while normally, I am here to give you tools to help you better meet your child’s needs or better understand them and I’m here to help you champion your child, today, I’m here to say that it’s okay to grieve for what you thought would be and isn’t.

Do any of these apply to you?

• your child’s behaviours sometimes have you in tears
• you question your ability to adequately meet their needs
• you’ve received a diagnosis for your child
• your child rejects you
• you feel like your friends with “neuro-typical kids” just cannot understand
• you feel isolated or alone
• your home is more chaos than peace
• you sometimes think about the dream you used to have for your child
• you think about “before” your child’s illness or diagnosis and feel sadness

I need you to know that feeling these things does not make you a terrible parent. These feelings do not make you an awful person. It makes you human. It is normal to grieve the loss of something. Having a child who struggles is the loss of the dream of how you thought things would be. It’s okay to grieve that loss.

To be clear, grieving the child you thought you would have does not mean that you do not love the child that is.

Give yourself the time, space and care to be able to grieve what is a very real loss. That means allowing yourself to cry, talking to others who do understand (find those who have walked this road themselves), self-care, self-care, self-care, and possibly even going to therapy to help process and work through your emotions.

The grief doesn’t end. It comes in waves. Sometimes I’m fine for months, and then BAM, I’m a puddle of tears in the fetal position on my bathroom floor holding a chocolate bar!

Seeing my daughter grieving her hearing loss, my son not having friends to invite to his birthday party, even something like reading the posts of friends on Facebook can ignite my grief anew. The waves can build up over time or swell quickly spurred on by an event or milestone. 

I used to feel so guilty for these feelings. I felt like I had no right to be feeling sad myself when my child was the one being directly affected by their challenges.

But then I came to accept that it’s okay to acknowledge those feelings and to really feel them. It’s okay to admit that my dreams need to be different now. It’s okay to grieve.

Of course, it’s also important to push through and find those new dreams and new ways to create joy in your life and your child’s life. It’s about balance. You’re not going to be any good to anyone if you are crumpled on your bathroom floor clutching a chocolate bar every single day, but your family will survive if you go for a drive and have a good cry once in awhile.

If you’re looking for support or information, join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents. 

You may also want to read:

Special Needs Mama, You Are Amazing!

12 Things That Special Needs Mom Needs from You 

Special Needs Parenting Resources 

The post The Waves of Grief in Special Needs Parenting appeared first on The Chaos and the Clutter.

There is no “one size fits all” treatment package I’m afraid when it comes to RAD. What works depends on the child, the family, and a variety of other factors such as other diagnoses.

In many cases, a diagnosis of RAD is not an isolated diagnosis. It often comes alongside other diagnoses such as Sensory Processing Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or developmental trauma disorder, ADHD, an anxiety disorder, depression, cognitive delays, or FASD.

In fact, it is not uncommon for kids to have several diagnoses on the list. This is one of the reasons why a treatment plan needs to be customized to the child.

TBRI:

The treatment that we have found the most effective for our kids with RAD was TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention). It is based off this theory; “Our children were harmed in relationship and they will experience healing through nurturing relationships” ~ Karyn Purvis.

We used TBRI along with some of the other treatment strategies listed in this article.

The main principles of TBRI include:

• Safe and Structured Environment
• Sensory Needs
• Nutrition
• Empowering Principles
• Connecting Principles
• Observational Awareness
• Self-Awareness
• Skills of Attachment
• Playful Engagement
• Attunement
• Correcting Principles
• Proactive Behavioural Strategies
• Responsive Behavioural Strategies

The abbreviated program activity list here (near the bottom) is very helpful.

Medication:

Choosing to medicate a child is a very personal decision. I share some of our experience with that here. There is no prescription that will magically cure RAD, but there are some that will treat some of the symptoms such as anxiety, aggression, trouble sleeping, and difficulty focusing.

It is certainly more complicated than just treating a symptom with a pill. There are many factors to consider. I suggest consulting a paediatric psychiatrist who specializes in or is at least very familiar with treating attachment and trauma disorders.

Choosing to medicate is a big decision and one where it doesn’t hurt to get a second opinion.

Counselling:

Whether you choose individual and/or family psychological counselling, it is very important to choose a therapist who is trauma informed and experienced in attachment disorders.

If you seek the help of a therapist who does not have experience with Reactive Attachment Disorder, they can be distracted by the child’s coping skills (which can come across as charming) and not recognize the signs of RAD.

Parent-Child Attachment/Trauma Program:

With each of our kids, I attended a one year long program specific to attachment and trauma. I feel so fortunate that our area has such a program.

If you are fortunate to have one in your area, be sure that it is based on the current science of the impact of trauma on the developing brain and the science of attachment.

Play Therapy:

Play therapy can be particularly beneficial for kids who were very young (babies or prenatally) at the time when their trauma or neglect occurred.

Talk therapy is often not as productive for kids who were preverbal at the time of their abuse or neglect because they hadn’t developed language at that time in order to be able to discuss it later.

The use of sand trays in particular can be useful in helping kids play out some of their past and better process it.

Art Therapy:

Art therapy can help children process what happened to them. It is a non-threatening approach that works very well with some children.

There is more and more research being done in the area of art therapy. It is becoming easier to access. Again, it is best if you can find a therapist who is attachment and trauma informed.

Animal Assisted Therapy:

One of our sons did animal assisted therapy for over a year. It was extremely therapeutic for him. Where the love of another human can feel so threatening to kids with RAD, allowing themselves to love and be loved by animals can sometimes help bridge that gap.

It is also wonderful for them to build confidence in themselves by taking care of an animal. Therapeutic programs use a variety of animals including horses, dogs, chickens, llamas, donkeys, and even pigs.

Important note: There are some kids with RAD who harm animals. If this is the case with your child, inform the therapists ahead of time. They may not feel that your child is a good fit for the program or they may be willing to have them attend but offer increased supervision.

Neurofeedback:

Neurofeedback is a type of biofeedback that uses real-time displays of brain activity to teach clients self-regulation. It is not something suitable for young children or those with severe cognitive delays. Most commonly, it uses EEG.

Neurofeedback is still a fairly controversial approach. The scientific data at this time points to more of a placebo effect. Neurofeedback can be expensive as well.

EMDR:

EMDR on the other hand has more and more scientific data backing up its effectiveness in treating PTSD. As many of “our” kids with attachment issues also have a trauma history, it stands to reason that EMDR can be an effective treatment for them at least where the root of their trauma is concerned.

This article on adapting EMDR specifically for children with RAD has some excellent suggestions.

EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It works best in adults or older children who were verbal at the time of their trauma, so it may not be as effective if the abuse or neglect happened during the very early months or years.

We have found EMDR gives good results. We also use bilateral stimulation with the kids at home if they are having a hard time calming themselves down.

Residential Treatment:

In some cases, it is no longer safe to have a child in the home, either because they are a danger to a parent, a sibling or themselves. In these cases, a period of removing the child from the home for a period of time may be necessary.

Obviously, residential treatment is more of a last resort option. It can further compound the belief the child has that they are not loveable or that anyone who is supposed to love them will eventually leave them, but others in the home deserve to feel safe and sometimes, there really is no alternative.

Sometimes residential treatment can compound the rejection and abandonment issues for a child while other times, it can actually lead to tremendous healing.

Other possible options of treatment for RAD:

• circle of security intervention
• vision therapy
• QEEG brain map
• neuro-reorganization exercises

Important note: Avoid any attachment therapies that involve forcibly holding or physical discipline.

More information about Reactive Attachment Disorder:

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder? 

Recognizing the Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder 

Is there Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder?

The post What is the Treatment for RAD? appeared first on The Chaos and the Clutter.

Then when we got her birth sister as a baby, friends threw her and I a pink themed adoption shower. It was such a special time for me to be able to publicly acknowledge this huge event in our family!

Over the years, I had held baby showers for numerous friends and relatives. All babies deserve to be celebrated, but I had missed being able to have this event for my babies. It was all the more special to be able to commemorate my new baby’s induction into our family at her adoption shower.

Years later when we brought home two children from Ethiopia, we waited until they had adjusted before we held a welcome party for them at our home.

These events are important commemorations and being able to share them with friends and family make them all the more meaningful.

Adoption Shower themes and ideas:

Happy Home Fairy shares a shower for a Russian adoption including martyroshkas (Russian Nesting Dolls) as decor and many personal touches.

The Sweetest Occasion shares ideas for an older child adoption shower or celebration.

These Three Remain has ideas for decorations and food for a Chinese adoption shower.

The Pleated Poppy has cute ideas for a globe themed adoption shower that could be used for any international adoption.

This surprise Chinese adoption shower featured on Party Wagon has beautiful decorations and all sorts of special details.

Globes and paper airplanes are the theme of this shower which would be perfect for any international adoption.

Even a simple idea like these Africa shaped cookies adds a special touch to an adoption shower.

I love the fingerprint tree in this adoption shower for an older child, indicating everyone’s support and love.

Hostess with the Mostess shares a Precious Cargo Vintage Travel shower that is just adorable!

Sweet Designs has a travel inspired party with just the most delicious little details.

This Ethiopian adoption shower has the most amazing cake and some very clever and meaningful ideas.

Joel and Kitty share about their amazing adoption baby shower before their daughter arrived.

Invitations:

Tiny Prints offers several styles of Adoption Shower invitations.

They also offer adoption announcements.

Adoption Shower gift ideas:

Books are my favourite gift for new babies, birthdays, graduations and holidays. Books make a perfect for an adoption shower.

You could choose one of the many great children’s books available about adoption or choose a book for the new parents such as The Connected Child: Bringing Hope and Healing to your Adoptive Family (especially good for a toddler or older child adoption) or Loved by Choice (my favourite treasury of heartwarming adoption stories).

Personalized gifts such as this Chosen Heart Adoption Frame, an adoption Christmas ornament, a quilt or blanket, or a special wall hanging or work of art.

I love this “Missing Piece” adoption ornament.

Cafepress and Etsy are both great places to find personalized gifts such as jewelry, handmade items, artwork and clothing.

Another thing that is nice to consider is a donation to the orphanage the child came from or to a clean water project in the community they were born if it is an international adoption.

The family may request donations be made to an adoption grant organization. There are also ways to give a gift and contribute to an adoption fundraiser as there are many families selling items to fundraise for their adoptions.

Adoption Gift Ideas:

Missing Piece Adoption Christmas OrnamentAlways an Angel Adoption Chosen Child OrnamentForever Family Porcelain OrnamentOur First Christmas as a Family OrnamentAdoption Swarovski OrnamentLove You to the Moon Celebrate Adoption OrnamentAdoption Christmas OrnamentAdoption Triad Heart Symbol Many Hearts One FamilyBorn In Our Hearts (Adoption) Keepsake OrnamentSelf-Care for Foster and Adoptive FamiliesThe Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive FamilyLoved By Choice: True Stories That Celebrate AdoptionHappy Adoption Day!Tell Me Again About the Night I Was BornWe Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and FamiliesWillow Tree hand-painted sculpted figure, Our GiftWillow Tree hand-painted sculpted figure, Child of my HeartAdoption Gotcha Gift Pillow for New BabyAdoption Gift – Personalized Wooden Block Child Keepsake Gift Custom EngravedEvery Family Has a Story, Welcome to Ours Vintage KeychainAdoption Gift Born In My Heart Adoption Bracelet For Adoptive Mom Foster MomAdoption necklaceAdoption Triad Symbol Pendant Necklace for Adoptive MomAdoption Frame, Personalized

Additional ideas:

It is always a nice tribute to the child if you can incorporate their country or culture in some way in the celebration whether that be in the food you choose to serve, the music you play, the decorations or colour scheme, or the gifts.

There are situations where it is also appropriate to honour the child’s first family in some way at the shower as well. It is best to ask the adoptive parents if they would like the invite members of their child’s first family to attend.

Write advice or well wishes on puzzle pieces for a You’re the Missing Piece themed adoption shower.

Have a Casserole Shower where you collect freezer meals to set the family up with suppers for the coming months. This is especially appreciated by families that have more than one child.

However you decide to celebrate the new addition to the family, congratulations!

The post The Mega List of Adoption Shower Ideas appeared first on The Chaos and the Clutter.

I remember sitting in one of my first adoption and foster care classes and having the instructor take out a packet of Post-It notes. She gave one to each of us and asked us to stick it to one surface and then another and then another. She encouraged us to stick it on surfaces such as a blanket or clothing where it would pick up lots of gunk or on the floor where it would pick up pieces of dirt as well as sticking it to smooth surfaces such as a table.

Then she pointed out that as we moved our Post-It note from one place to another, it became less sticky, particularly after it was placed somewhere that it picked up a lot of stuff that stayed with it.

She used the analogy of that Post-It note to explain how children have a harder time attaching the more placements they have been in or the more trauma they have experienced.

Just like how the sticky part on the Post-It note didn’t adhere as well with more moves or more gunk, the child would also have a harder time attaching after multiple moves and having picked up some “yuck” along the way.

While it’s not a perfect analogy for RAD, it’s one of the best ones I’ve ever come across.

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Attachment issues fall across a spectrum. Reactive Attachment Disorder is the most extreme in that spectrum. Children with RAD feel unsafe attaching to a primary caregiver or parent.

These children were unable to form a healthy attachment due to neglect, early childhood trauma, insecure or disorganized attachment style in the parent, multiple placement such as foster care or multiple caregivers such as in an orphanage, or abuse.

Reactive Attachment Disorders and other attachment disorders take place when a child has been unable to form a consistent connection with a parent or primary caregiver.

If a young child feels that their basic survival needs are not met, they perceive that they cannot depend on others.

The child feels threatened by attachment and that people who are supposed to love you are not to be trusted.

If you suspect that your child or a child you know may have Reactive Attachment Disorder, you can read how to recognize the signs of it here. Of course, that is just a stepping off point. You will need to consult with a professional in order to get an official diagnosis. 

Risk Factors for Developing RAD:

• neglect
• loss of a parent at a young age
• early and lengthy hospitalization due to prematurity or health concerns
• severe postpartum depression in their mother
• living in an orphanage or institutional care
• bouncing around from one home/foster home to another
• physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
• early childhood trauma

Regardless of what the cause of Reactive Attachment Disorder is, it requires treatment and the development of trust within a nurturing relationship in order to heal.

You may also want to read:

Is there Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder? 

Books for Reactive Attachment Disorder 

The post What is Reactive Attachment Disorder? appeared first on The Chaos and the Clutter.

Our adoption agency had gone bankrupt, so we were traveling four months sooner than we had planned and were not prepared emotionally, financially, or in a practical sense.

Due to the circumstances, my husband Mark was there for a week before I arrived and he had a really hard time communicating with the kids, leaving all three of them feeling frustrated.

I was able to pick up Amharic (the language they spoke) much easier than Mark was. Although that did help, I still did not know enough of the language to be able to really put the kids’ fears at ease.

The kids were, in general, traumatized and terrified. Our time in Ethiopia was, in all honesty, a bit of a nightmare. Reflecting on it now that things are settled and I am not in an emotional or exhausted state of mind, I am able to see what I wish we had done differently or had known at the time that would have helped us.

I hope that by sharing what I wish I had known when we adopted older children, others can have an easier transition than we did.

1. It gets better! The road has not been an easy one. There have been a lot of ups and downs. It took a lot of work, but it also just took time. I wish I would have been able to know with certainty that things were going to get better because I lost sleep, tears, and worry at the time, wondering if life was always now going to be hard.It took a long time for things to get better for us. I hope I don’t scare you by saying that they got a lot worse before they got better. (see #5!) Healing is possible.

2. Their initial behaviour is not a reflection of your parenting. This one may seem obvious to others. Of course if you have only met the child the day before for the first time, their behaviour has nothing to do with you or your parenting skills, but at the time, I felt like I must be the worst parent in the world.

When we would go out in public and they would tantrum, I would feel like people were judging me. When we were alone in the hotel room and they were having tantrums, I was judging me!

In retrospect, they were two scared little kids who did not speak the same language as me and were going through a traumatic time. I was a complete stranger and their behaviour or sadness had nothing to do with my parenting skills or lack thereof.  I wish I had been able to relax and not take it so personally.

3. Take Time to Breathe. We were so sleep deprived before even arriving in Ethiopia. Add to that the time change and the stress, and our brains just were not working at their full capacity! Looking back now, I am able to see simple solutions for things that at the time, seemed like major problems.

As an example, our kids usually only wanted to eat doro wat (which is like a chicken stew). Traditionally, it is served with a hard boiled egg. Our kids would fight and tantrum over who got the one egg. They didn’t want us to cut it in half. They didn’t want to take turns. They would not share it. Every time, this egg was a huge issue.

Now that I can think clearly, I realize that we should have ordered it with an extra egg – such an obvious solution, but one that did not occur to us the entire time!

Of course, eventually you want your kids to learn about turn taking and sharing, but the most tumultuous time in their lives is probably not the time to start insisting on that! My suggestion would be to take a step back and take a deep breath and consider simple solutions. I can think of about ten other examples of this same type of thing during those weeks where we were so stressed out that we were not thinking clearly.

4. Don’t count on anything. Many families travel to pick up older children and find that their children are easy and they are able to tour the country and spend time with other adoptive families. This is often the case because most children will have a honeymoon period initially. But there are exceptions and in our case, our kids did not have a honeymoon period while we were in country.

It soon became apparent that our plans to travel around Ethiopia were not going to work out. If you have strong expectations for what your kids are going to be like or for travel or sightseeing that you plan to do when you are there, you will likely be disappointed.

I wish we had gone into it with less expectations and been more easy-going about it. When we finally resigned ourselves to the fact that our kids did better if we just stayed in the room and ate our food in the room and did not go out, things improved dramatically.

5. Reactive Attachment Disorder and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are real. Research Reactive Attachment Disorder, Developmental Trauma Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder prior to your adoption. Nothing you read could ever prepare you for the reality of living it.

I suggest that at minimum, research by reading and take the time to speak candidly to families who have lived it. Even this will not adequately prepare you, but it may help arm you with a toolbox of skills in case you need them.

Preparing ahead could help you recognize the signs earlier as well. If you are able, attend conferences while you wait for the adoption. The conference I would recommend as the best would be the Empowered to Connect Conference.

These books are a good place to start in preparing for adopting an older child.

6. You’ll have to parent differently. Parenting an older internationally adopted child the same way you would a biological child who has been with you since birth won’t work.

You’ll need to use connective parenting strategies. You’ll have to be sensory aware. You’ll have to practise extreme self-care. Incorporate connection activities. Give them an emotional vocabulary. Learn about anxiety in kids. Be trauma aware. Learn calm down tools.

You may become an expert in fight, flight, or freeze. This is not going to be your average parenting rodeo!

7. Let it go!  I had this foolish notion that while we were in Ethiopia, we should have rules for them and consequences so that they could begin to adjust to our house rules (our family isn’t overly strict, but we do have some basic rules). I was convinced that if we were pushovers in Ethiopia, they would walk all over us once we got home.

When I think about that now, about how I gave them time-outs (they were probably completely bewildered because they couldn’t even understand most of what I was saying), my heart just breaks for them. I wish I could go back and just hold them more, play with them more, and let everything else go.

Who would it have killed if she had worn his flip flops instead of her shoes every day?

So what if they had not brushed their teeth for those two weeks (they ended up having over $4,000 in dental work that needed to be done, so I’m sure that an extra two weeks of not brushing after years of not brushing wouldn’t have made a difference!).

My advice to others would be just to relax and get used to each other slowly during the trip. The rules can be introduced once you are home.

8. Try not to predict their personalities. This is a really tough one for people. All we have of our kids are these pictures and so we have spent hours analyzing the pictures and poring over every detail, including their facial expressions. From that, we naturally make assumptions about their personalities and then when we meet them, if they do not match what we expected, it can be a difficult shift.

In our daughter’s referral and update pictures, we thought she looked so sad, heartbroken actually. Now that we know her, one of those looks is kind of a sad look, but more of an “I didn’t get my way” kind of sad, and the other, a mischievous look!

From our son’s pictures, we pegged him as being outgoing and fun and happy. It turns out that though he is friendly and very likeable, there was a lot of sadness hiding behind that smile and underneath those bright eyes, was a traumatized boy who needed help to work through his feelings and his past.

9. You cannot do it alone.The first weeks home are much harder than anyone can prepare you for. Even if your child is in a honeymoon phase or just an easy child, it is a huge transition for the whole family.

You will have jetlag and even possibly be ill. If you have other children at home, they will need extra time and attention when you get back, not only to reassure them that they have not been replaced, but they will have missed you while you were away.

Many mothers experience post adoption depression, from mild to severe. The language barrier alone is exhausting.

The extra laundry, extra cooking, extra thinking, extra emotion, extra stress, and the extra appointments as you sort through parasites, fungus, and perhaps even therapy for your child create a life much busier than the one you had before.

ASK FOR HELP! Better yet, set it up before you leave, while you are still able to think straight enough, while you have time to make the phone calls. Arrange for people to bring meals, do laundry, clean your house, or take your other kids out for outings.

10. Attachment and bonding are possible. With our previous adoptions, we had gotten our kids as newborns or babies, so I did not expect that I would be able to attach as much to older children. I knew that over time, they would feel like my kids, but I thought that it would take a long time.

Secretly, I worried that maybe I would never be able to love them with the fierceness and passion that I love my other kids.

I wish I had known then what I know now…that sometimes just thinking about or talking about these two can bring me to tears, that the first time I went away without them, I missed them with a hollowness that is difficult to describe, that they are a part of me.

I wish I had known that even with kids who were seven and four the first time I held their hands in mine, I would be forever changed by their love.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Is there Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder? 

The post Adopting Older Children Internationally – What I Wish I Had Known appeared first on The Chaos and the Clutter.

For many kids, making eye contact comes fairly naturally. For kids who are on the autism spectrum or for kids who lacked nurturing in the early years or have experienced early childhood trauma, eye contact is far from natural. Some kids find it uncomfortable while others can find it downright painful. 

I want to share one comment before I get started with the activity ideas. It’s important not to say “look me in the eye” during these activities. You are looking to foster natural connection and get your child comfortable with eye contact.

You are wanting to get your child used to eye contact and build up their tolerance for it. It is important not to increase their anxiety or make them feel like they are in trouble for not complying.

I remember well the days when making eye contact was painful for one of our sons. It was hard to watch. It’s so much easier for him now, but it will likely never be as easy as it is for most people.

But there has been tremendous process. I really believe that much of that progress was due to us repetitively doing many of these activities.

Activities to promote eye contact:

Face painting – This is my favourite one. It is so subtle. While painting your child’s face, you will create natural proximity and be looking into each other’s faces. Try having them paint yours (that takes courage, but mama, I believe in you)! Be sure to use washable face paint.

Silliness – Make funny faces or use silly getups such as clown noses, glasses with funny noses attached, or stick-on moustaches. Those pictures above are from a Family Fun Night we had. You better believe there was a lot of eye contact practise happening that night even if the kids had no idea there was a purpose beyond laughter! 

Stickers – Put stickers or googly eyes on your face. Gradually put them closer to your eyes.

Peek-a-boo – Even with older kids, this game works. With older kids, you’ll have to infuse more silliness to get them to play along. Another way is to teach them to play peek-a-boo with a baby. Ask them to entertain a baby this way and they will be rewarded by smiles and squeals from the baby.

Push them on a swing – Stand in front of them while pushing them on a swing. This encourages eye contact and is great vestibular sensory input.

Secret handshake – Inventing a secret handshake with your child fosters connection and family identity. It also encourages eye contact. Major bonus points if your secret handshake ends with your foreheads touching!

Butterfly kisses and Smurf kisses – Butterfly kisses are when you touch your eyelashes together and blink quickly like butterfly wings flapping. Smurf kisses are when you rub noses. These will obviously be too vulnerable for kids who are at heightened stages of their attachment journey (?).

Board games – Connect 4 is the best one for this if you sit on opposite sides of the board. Because of the level of the board, accidental eye contact is inevitable!

Bubble gum – This is a trick I learned from the late great Karyn Purvis. Bubble gum is good sensory feedback both for proprioception and gustatory (taste). Keep hoards of bubble gum in your child’s favourite flavour. To get a piece of gum, all they have to do is ask “may I please have some gum?” with some degree of eye contact and the answer is always “yes”.

Count freckles – If your child has freckles on their face, count them and assign names to them. Or have them count and name yours. There’s bound to be some eye contact here and there.

Have a staring contest – For kids who are older or further along in their eye contact progress, a staring contest can increase their tolerance for it in a fun way. Don’t attempt with kids who are

Play an eye signal game – Have your child stand a few feet in front of you (or closer if they’ll allow). Signal to them with only your eyes to move to the side (by looking to that side), the other side, stepping back (eyes up), or taking a step forward (one blink).

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

The post 12 Activities to Promote Eye Contact appeared first on The Chaos and the Clutter.

For the sake of clarity, I will refer to these types of losses as adoption loss with an understanding that it encompasses similar losses such as that of a long-term or beloved foster child.

For family and friends of a family experiencing adoption loss, it can be difficult to know what to say or do and can even be difficult to understand the extent of the grieving.

Many years ago, we lost our daughter (of our hearts) Amera when she was 20 months old. We had had her since she was just three days old and had expected that she would be our daughter forever. We loved her as a daughter, had dreams for her, envisioned our lives and future and family with her in them.

Technically, we were missing only one thing for her to be our daughter in the eyes of the law…an adoption order. Technically, she was still our foster daughter the day she left without us getting a chance to say good-bye, never to return. Technically did not matter one bit to my heart.

From that experience and from watching some of those close to us suffer similar losses, I write this in the hopes that it will help future friends, family members, even churches and organizations to come alongside these mourning families and hold them up when they most need it.

How others can support someone through adoption loss:

• Have No Expectations – From day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, they will be dealing with fresh and unexpected emotions. They may be fine in the morning and fall apart in the afternoon because they found a sock from the child they lost in the laundry pile or because they ran into someone at the supermarket who asked them how their kids were. Even someone asking how many kids they have can trigger an outpouring of anguish. Give them grace. Do not expect that they should get over this in a set amount of time. Do not expect that they should grieve this less than they would a death. Do not expect that they should be getting “back to normal” or able to function the way they could before. Grace. Love.

• Offer No Judgement – Do not judge the way they are handling the situation, how or when they are choosing to tell their other kids, when it is the appropriate (in your opinion) time for them to get back on the waiting list or to take another placement. Do not offer advice unless asked. Do not judge. Grace. Love.

• Give Practical Help – Note that I did not say to offer practical help. Often people in such an intense state of grieving won’t know how to ask for help or even take it if offered. So just do it. You could say “I am going to stop by around 11 if you will be home. Would you rather I did a load of laundry or stopped on the way to pick up your groceries?” Obviously, being that direct will depend on the level of the friendship, but dropping off muffins or cookies or a few casseroles for their freezer is appropriate even for acquaintances to do. You could also organize a meal schedule with a group of friends to ensure that the family is getting meals at least a few times a week. If they have other children, offer to have them over to play for an afternoon to give the mom a break and time to cry without worrying about her kids being upset by it. Or offer to babysit at night so that the couple can go out on a date. Adoption loss can be very hard on a marriage. Love in action.

• A Listening Ear – When they are ready to talk, be there to listen. Let them know that though you may not understand what they are going through, you do know that they are in pain and you want to be there for them. It’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Listen without offering advice or judgement and above all, never say that they put themselves in the situation of potentially being hurt by trying to adopt or signing up to foster in the first place. Just love.

• Help Them Keep Busy – After our daughter left, one of the things that saved my sanity was keeping busy. I had friends who would call me up and invite the kids and I to go to the park or the beach or come over for a playdate. In the beginning when I was just numb, one friend would call me up and tell me what we were going to do that day. She would cheerily say “pack a lunch for your kids and some sunscreen and we’re going to go berry picking” and I would go along. Staying busy helped so much and was also great for my other kids and for the guilt I wrestled with about what they may have otherwise missed out on that summer with their mom such a wreck. Even just inviting them out to a movie (a comedy or action, not drama) or out for tea in the evening gives a few moments of welcome distraction. Love in action.

• Offer to Pray for them – Ask what they would like prayer for. They may find comfort in knowing that there are others praying for the child they lost and praying for their family. Love.

• Acknowledge the Loss – Probably because people don’t know what the correct etiquette in this situation is or because they don’t quite know what to say, often they say nothing. This can hurt the family further as they feel isolated and feel as if their loss has been discounted. Acknowledge the loss the family has experienced. On our daughter’s second birthday, it was heart-wrenching not to be able to celebrate with her or even know if she was ok. Some of our friends came over and had cake with us and we talked about her and acknowledged the day of her birth. They brought their kids who were her little friends and seeing them play on her special day was bittersweet, but it was healing too. It meant so much not to have to get through that day alone or pretend like she didn’t exist. Cry with them. Love.

• Talk about the child – You may think that you are being more sensitive not to talk about the child they lost, but it is actually more painful when people avoid the subject and act as if the loss didn’t happen. Reminisce about memories that you have of the child they lost, give them copies of any pictures you may have, ask them questions about the child (when it seems appropriate to do so). If the loss is of a child they never knew like in the case of the loss of a potential adoption, they had dreams and plans and a love that was real even if they never held that child in their arms. Allow them to talk about those things. They will never stop loving that child. Love them by loving that child also.
• Just be there – Even if you don’t know what to say or don’t know what to do, just be there. Love.

Since the loss of our oldest daughter, we have gone on to adopt five more children. One of them is actually her biological brother. People may think that the other adoptions lessen our loss, but for me, in some ways, they only served as a reminder.

When people make comments about the big age gap between our oldest two and our youngest five, I know that there was not supposed to be an age gap. She should be there.

When our son cries because everyone else in our home has a biological sibling living with them except him, I know that it shouldn’t have been that way. She (his biological sister) should be there.

When I see our three girls struggle because of that “third wheel” syndrome, I imagine that if she were here, everyone would have someone to play with. There will always be an Amera-shaped hole in my heart that only she can fill. It gets easier in some ways over the years, but in some ways, it gets more difficult.

I can get through her birthdays now, where in the early years, I couldn’t face that day. I can look through her scrapbook albums and think about the privilege I had in being her mom if only for too short a time.

But I think about all the years I have lost that can never be made up, years that she has not gotten to have a family, years that we have missed out on firsts and lasts and the big events that we will never get to be present for.

So even all these years later, I appreciate when friends ask how old she is now or share a memory they have of her. I want to know that my baby girl touched their lives too. In my heart, I’ll always be her mom, so when others acknowledge my “momhood”, it takes some of the sting out of my loss.

By supporting someone through their adoption loss, you allow them to know that they are not alone.

You might also be interested in reading:

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families 

If the Friends Answered Common Adoption Questions

What We Can Learn About Grieving from the Mother Whale 

The post Supporting Someone Through Adoption Loss appeared first on The Chaos and the Clutter.

I also recall a moment of listening to one of my daughters correct a friend of hers who repeatedly questioned her about her “real” mom. Her replies made me laugh a little.

My daughter: “My real mom is in the kitchen.”

Her friend: “No, I mean your REAL mom.”

My daughter: “My real mom is in the kitchen. She takes care of me every day. It doesn’t get more real than her. I think you’re trying to ask about my birth mom.”

That little interaction is exactly why this first point is so important:

1. All children should be told about adoption…not just those children who are adopted! Educating kids about adoption including common adoption terminology ensures that there will be more understanding and compassion and less chance of kids saying ignorant things to other kids on the playground. Adoptive parents and their children need you to educate your child so that they don’t have to!

Take the time to learn respectful adoption terms. This will ensure that you will choose sensitive language when having the conversation with your child. Here’s a short rundown:

• Never say “real” or “your own” when referring to an adoptive parent’s biological children. If you feel the need to differentiate, “biological” and “adopted” are the terms you can use.
• Some people prefer the terminology of “first family” instead of “birth family”.
• “First moms” (or “birth moms”) “place their child for adoption” or “make an adoption plan”. They do not “give their child away”.
• Children are not “bought”. There are sometimes fees associated with paperwork, orphanage care, lawyers, travel, and medical expenses in an adoption, but the children themselves are not bought. They are priceless.
• Every adoption is unique and so are the circumstances.
• Stay away from asking adoptees and adoptive parents questions like these.

2. Talking about adoption should not wait until your child reaches a certain age. Adoption is a topic that should be introduced from birth or from the time your child is in your home. Waiting until they are older to first introduce adoption can lead to feelings of betrayal. Many of my adult friends remember well the day they learned their adoption “secret”. Because it was kept from them until a certain point, they felt that it must be something to be ashamed of.

3. Use age appropriate language and give age appropriate information. There are many cute books that can help introduce the topic of adoption to young children. As children get older, it becomes appropriate to share more specific details about their adoption story. When our oldest daughter was younger, her favourite bedtime story was the one where we would tell her about the night she first came to us. She loved to hear about how excited we were! As she got older, more details were added to the story and we began talking about some of the harder aspects of her history. An important factor to keep in mind is that emotional maturity is more critical to consider than a child’s actual calendar age when deciding what should be shared when.

4. Tell the truth. You obviously don’t want to share every difficult detail with a three year old, but continue to provide factual answers to your child’s questions so that by the time they are an adult, they are the owners of their whole story. This also includes providing them with any paper documentation you may have when they are at an age that they are ready to have it.

Telling the truth is easy if your child has a relatively easy story to tell or at least what is considered to be a typical adoption story, but telling the truth may seem impossible if your child’s history is sad or awful or complicated. It is still better to have them hear it from you, the person who loves them and whom they trust most than to find out some other way in the future and feel betrayed by you or feel that you were ashamed of their story.

5. Acknowledge the loss. Adoption is beautiful or at least, it can be beautiful, but adoption is also full of loss even in the best of circumstances. Acknowledge those losses with your child and let them know that it is okay to grieve them.

6. Talk about birth family/first family reunion. When you feel that your child is ready, broach the subject of how you would feel if they were to seek out their first family someday. Children feel a fierce sense of loyalty to both sets of parents and don’t want to upset you, so they may not be willing to bring up their desire or thoughts in regards to someday searching for their first family. If you let them know that you do not feel threatened by this, they will feel more free to include you in this part of their journey. If you do not think that them seeking out their first family would be best, share with them what your reasons are.

7. Let your child know that it is okay to ask you questions. Answer them in an age appropriate, yet truthful way.

8. Follow your child’s lead. When you create an environment where talking about adoption is as natural as asking someone to pass the peanut butter, you open the doors to allowing your child control over this part of their history. Some children want to talk often about it and others would rather not think about it very much. There are also stages of development that naturally bring about more questions about identity and belonging. Adoption may take on more of a focus during those times. 

9. Practise their public story with them. Adoption is one of those things that seems to invite a lot of questions. When their friends begin to find out that they are adopted (for trans-racially adopted kids, this happens immediately), your child will face questions. Practising with them what they are comfortable sharing and what is appropriate for them to share with close friends, acquaintances and strangers (having three sets of scripts – one for each of these groups) will allow your child to avoid the discomfort and anxiety that comes with the questions.

10. Don’t be afraid to call on a professional. If your child seems to be stuck in their grieving or having a lot of issues surrounding their adoption that seem to go beyond what you are comfortable with, it is very appropriate to seek the help of a counsellor. It is best to find one who has experience with working with clients who are adopted.

I hope these tips help you in talking to kids about adoption and in realizing the importance of such discussions.

You may also be interested in reading:

Your Child’s First Day Home (Adoption or Foster Care)

What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

The post Talking to Kids About Adoption (10 Great Tips) appeared first on The Chaos and the Clutter.

Living with the effects of RAD in your home can wear on the whole family over time, especially if you don’t feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel.

For many years, I heard therapists and experts and other parents parenting kids with RAD tell me that there was no hope. It felt like we had tried everything and things were only getting worse. I felt hopelessness and despair.

It wasn’t until my husband and I attended an Empowered to Connect conference in Minneapolis and heard Dr. Karyn Purvis speak that I had my first glimmer of hope.

“I’ve never met a child who can’t come to deep levels of healing.” ~ Dr. Karyn Purvis 

Listening to story after story of children who had been able to come to a place of healing gave me something to cling to. I felt like I had hope for our children’s futures, for our family, for the first time in a long time.

I wish that I could say that after we came home from that conference and put into practise what we had learned, all the negative behaviours magically disappeared and our children quickly learned that they could trust us. They didn’t. I wish I could say that the road got easier. It didn’t.

The road was twisty and long. We were exhausted. We went through harder times than we had before. We asked for help. We accessed services and therapies. We nearly got to the end of our capabilities and our sanity.

For the privacy of our children, I am not sharing specifics of just how difficult things got. But I know that if you are parenting a child who has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I do not need to share specifics. You know. You live this. I hope that it helps you just even a little bit to know that others have lived it too and have survived.

There is hope.

Our son and our daughter are showing healthy and secure attachment. They turn to us when they are sick or hurting and need comfort. They trust that we will meet their needs.

They make eye contact. They talk about their feelings. They hug us. They ask for what they need instead of “asking” through behaviours. They are able to accept correction and follow our rules (most of the time).

They are choosing me. Our daughter no longer wants to go with strangers or “shop for a new mommy”.

They show empathy and compassion for others. They are gaining confidence in who they are. They are accepting our love and are reciprocating it.

It feels like a miracle.

Their journeys have been different. Our son’s attachment to us came sooner, but his trauma still affects many aspects of his life. Our son has loved us fiercely for a number of years now, but our daughter was not able to allow herself to accept our love or love us in return.

And then, eight and a half years after she came to us, we began to see signs. They were small at first. Sometimes she would grow closer to us and then catch herself and push us away. Tuck-ins became longer as she began to open up to us and share her feelings. She began to sit next to me on the couch.

She was making eye contact and asking for my help with things. She was singing more and dancing with me in the kitchen.

I felt like I was holding my breath at times, afraid that in a puff, the magic would disappear and the angry girl would return. But the content girl stayed.

One morning, I noticed as our daughter was about to go to school that she had written something on her shirt in permanent marker. (There was a time when such a thing would have upset me, but one of the many things I have learned on this connective parenting journey is what is really a mountain and what isn’t. I’m not bothered by permanent marker on an old t-shirt now.)

I asked her what she had written on her shirt and she told me that today was Superhero Day at her school and since she didn’t have a superhero costume, she had decided to make hers.

She pulled her coat open to reveal what she had written on her shirt. 

In case you can’t read that, it says, “My Mom and my Dad are my Superheros”!!!

I don’t have adequate words to describe the significance of that. There were so many years where she pushed me away, where she couldn’t accept my love, where she felt that she was betraying her first mom if she even smiled in my direction, where she expressed the depth of her hatred for me with nearly every breath.

I had tears in my eyes as I reflected on how far we had come. I also had tears in my eyes later that week when she wanted to hold my hand everywhere we went and tears in my eyes when I overheard her tell someone “I’m so lucky that I can love two mommies and two daddies”.

And the tears were streaming all the way down my face two weeks ago when she got baptized and shared her story in front of a building full of people, a story of loss and hurt, of sorrow and pain, of losing her first family and her first country and then of losing her hearing, but also a story of redemption and love.

Once she was able to accept our love for her, she was able to accept God’s love for her as well. That day felt like the culmination of our journey. It doesn’t mean that our journey is over, but having a symbol of how far we have all come was pretty special.

Our kids still have early childhood trauma that they are working through. Behaviours still rear their ugly heads sometimes when our kids forget to use their words or forget to talk about their feelings. But there are more good days than bad and there is a lot more joy in our home.

Things aren’t perfect. I don’t expect them to ever be. There is no “magic” cure for RAD, but there is hope. 
Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

You may also want to read:

What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child with RAD 

Reactive Attachment Disorder Books 

The post Is There Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder? appeared first on The Chaos and the Clutter.

Reading up on what to expect as well as reading books on potentially relevant special needs such as early childhood trauma, attachment issues, and sensory issues can increase the success of your adoption. It is important to prepare yourself and your family as much as you can ahead of time and then continue to learn because there is of course only so much preparation you can do before you know the specific needs of your adopted child.

In our first 3 adoptions, our kids came to us in the foster care program as babies. Although there are still losses in adoption for kids who arrive when they are young, adopting older children brings with it additional challenges. When we adopted siblings who were 7 and 4 years old at the time we brought them home, we needed different resources.

We found some of the answers we were looking for in books and others in speaking to other adoptive families, therapists, and experts in the fields of attachment, sensory, and early childhood trauma.

For someone adopting an older child, the books I would recommend would be:

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families – I wrote this book to address a need that I saw was lacking. Self-care is critical for parents adopting older children or children with special needs. The book addresses topics such as secondary trauma, Post Adoption Depression, protecting your marriage, preparation and planning, and building a support network.

Sensory Processing Explained: A Handbook for Parents and Educators – It is almost taken as a given in many circles that older adopted children will have Sensory Processing Disorder or sensory issues because they fall into so many of the risk factors for it. I think that those considering adoption should familiarize themselves with this condition and the simple, yet effective ways that they can help a child with SPD to successfully navigate their world. 

The Connected Child: Bringing Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family by Dr. Karyn Purvis. This book offers concrete strategies and should be read before, during and after the adoption. I am a big fan of the late Dr. Purvis and her work and research on attachment and early childhood trauma. I would also recommend checking out her videos.

The Whole Brain Child is one of my favourite resources for better understanding how my kids’ brains work. It is helpful for any parent actually, but even more so for parents of kids who have experienced early trauma.

Parenting from the Inside Out – Sometimes having kids who struggle with attachment and trauma can trigger our own past hurts. This book is a wonderful resource in helping you understand yourself and your reactions and enable you to parent more effectively because of it.

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow by Gregory C. Keck. I love reading a book that has concrete examples of what to do instead of just vague generalities. This book offers actual lists of suggestions that are specific and very doable. I continue to reference this book years later.

The other books on the list are ones that I have not yet read although I feel confident in recommending them because I have attended seminars by Deborah Gray and read some of her other work. She is an expert in the field and well respected. Mike Berry and his wife write on the popular adoption blog Confessions of an Adoptive Parent and have some wonderful articles there. Their new book by the same title will reflect their years of experience.

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive FamiliesBuy NowSensory Processing ExplainedBuy NowThe Connected ChildThe Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing MindParenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who ThriveParenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and GrowAttaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s ParentsNurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience after Neglect and TraumaConfessions of an Adoptive Parent: Hope and Help from the Trenches of Foster Care and Adoption

Have you adopted an older child? What books would you recommend?

If you are looking for books specific to Reactive Attachment Disorder, you can read my list of the very best books for parenting RAD. 

Looking for adoption books that are perfect for kids? Check out our favourite children’s adoption books.  

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