The loss of a long term foster child…the loss of a foster-to-adopt baby that the family had dreams and plans and expectations of adopting…the loss of a potential child when an adoption falls through…having to make the agonizing decision not to complete an adoption…coming home from the hospital to an empty crib when a potential birth mom has decided to parent the baby you thought would be yours…there are no Hallmark cards for these occasions. These losses are profound. They are like a death, yet there is very little acknowledgement of the loss or opportunity for closure which can make it even more difficult.

For the sake of clarity, I will refer to these types of losses as adoption loss with an understanding that it encompasses similar losses such as that of a long-term or beloved foster child.

For family and friends of a family experiencing adoption loss, it can be difficult to know what to say or do and can even be difficult to understand the extent of the grieving.

Many years ago, we lost our daughter (of our hearts) Amera when she was 20 months old. We had had her since she was just three days old and had expected that she would be our daughter forever. We loved her as a daughter, had dreams for her, envisioned our lives and future and family with her in them.

Technically, we were missing only one thing for her to be our daughter in the eyes of the law…an adoption order. Technically, she was still our foster daughter the day she left without us getting a chance to say good-bye, never to return. Technically did not matter one bit to my heart.

From that experience and from watching some of those close to us suffer similar losses, I write this in the hopes that it will help future friends, family members, even churches and organizations to come alongside these mourning families and hold them up when they most need it.

How others can support someone through adoption loss:

• Have No Expectations – From day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, they will be dealing with fresh and unexpected emotions. They may be fine in the morning and fall apart in the afternoon because they found a sock from the child they lost in the laundry pile or because they ran into someone at the supermarket who asked them how their kids were. Even someone asking how many kids they have can trigger an outpouring of anguish. Give them grace. Do not expect that they should get over this in a set amount of time. Do not expect that they should grieve this less than they would a death. Do not expect that they should be getting “back to normal” or able to function the way they could before. Grace. Love.

• Offer No Judgement – Do not judge the way they are handling the situation, how or when they are choosing to tell their other kids, when it is the appropriate (in your opinion) time for them to get back on the waiting list or to take another placement. Do not offer advice unless asked. Do not judge. Grace. Love.

• Give Practical Help – Note that I did not say to offer practical help. Often people in such an intense state of grieving won’t know how to ask for help or even take it if offered. So just do it. You could say “I am going to stop by around 11 if you will be home. Would you rather I did a load of laundry or stopped on the way to pick up your groceries?” Obviously, being that direct will depend on the level of the friendship, but dropping off muffins or cookies or a few casseroles for their freezer is appropriate even for acquaintances to do. You could also organize a meal schedule with a group of friends to ensure that the family is getting meals at least a few times a week. If they have other children, offer to have them over to play for an afternoon to give the mom a break and time to cry without worrying about her kids being upset by it. Or offer to babysit at night so that the couple can go out on a date. Adoption loss can be very hard on a marriage. Love in action.

• A Listening Ear – When they are ready to talk, be there to listen. Let them know that though you may not understand what they are going through, you do know that they are in pain and you want to be there for them. It’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Listen without offering advice or judgement and above all, never say that they put themselves in the situation of potentially being hurt by trying to adopt or signing up to foster in the first place. Just love.

• Help Them Keep Busy – After our daughter left, one of the things that saved my sanity was keeping busy. I had friends who would call me up and invite the kids and I to go to the park or the beach or come over for a playdate. In the beginning when I was just numb, one friend would call me up and tell me what we were going to do that day. She would cheerily say “pack a lunch for your kids and some sunscreen and we’re going to go berry picking” and I would go along. Staying busy helped so much and was also great for my other kids and for the guilt I wrestled with about what they may have otherwise missed out on that summer with their mom such a wreck. Even just inviting them out to a movie (a comedy or action, not drama) or out for tea in the evening gives a few moments of welcome distraction. Love in action.

• Offer to Pray for them – Ask what they would like prayer for. They may find comfort in knowing that there are others praying for the child they lost and praying for their family. Love.

• Acknowledge the Loss – Probably because people don’t know what the correct etiquette in this situation is or because they don’t quite know what to say, often they say nothing. This can hurt the family further as they feel isolated and feel as if their loss has been discounted. Acknowledge the loss the family has experienced. On our daughter’s second birthday, it was heart-wrenching not to be able to celebrate with her or even know if she was ok. Some of our friends came over and had cake with us and we talked about her and acknowledged the day of her birth. They brought their kids who were her little friends and seeing them play on her special day was bittersweet, but it was healing too. It meant so much not to have to get through that day alone or pretend like she didn’t exist. Cry with them. Love.

• Talk about the child – You may think that you are being more sensitive not to talk about the child they lost, but it is actually more painful when people avoid the subject and act as if the loss didn’t happen. Reminisce about memories that you have of the child they lost, give them copies of any pictures you may have, ask them questions about the child (when it seems appropriate to do so). If the loss is of a child they never knew like in the case of the loss of a potential adoption, they had dreams and plans and a love that was real even if they never held that child in their arms. Allow them to talk about those things. They will never stop loving that child. Love them by loving that child also.
• Just be there – Even if you don’t know what to say or don’t know what to do, just be there. Love.

Since the loss of our oldest daughter, we have gone on to adopt five more children. One of them is actually her biological brother. People may think that the other adoptions lessen our loss, but for me, in some ways, they only served as a reminder.

When people make comments about the big age gap between our oldest two and our youngest five, I know that there was not supposed to be an age gap. She should be there.

When our son cries because everyone else in our home has a biological sibling living with them except him, I know that it shouldn’t have been that way. She (his biological sister) should be there.

When I see our three girls struggle because of that “third wheel” syndrome, I imagine that if she were here, everyone would have someone to play with. There will always be an Amera-shaped hole in my heart that only she can fill. It gets easier in some ways over the years, but in some ways, it gets more difficult.

I can get through her birthdays now, where in the early years, I couldn’t face that day. I can look through her scrapbook albums and think about the privilege I had in being her mom if only for too short a time.

But I think about all the years I have lost that can never be made up, years that she has not gotten to have a family, years that we have missed out on firsts and lasts and the big events that we will never get to be present for.

So even all these years later, I appreciate when friends ask how old she is now or share a memory they have of her. I want to know that my baby girl touched their lives too. In my heart, I’ll always be her mom, so when others acknowledge my “momhood”, it takes some of the sting out of my loss.

By supporting someone through their adoption loss, you allow them to know that they are not alone.

You might also be interested in reading:

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families 

If the Friends Answered Common Adoption Questions

What We Can Learn About Grieving from the Mother Whale 

No two adoption stories are alike. Therefore, there is not a one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to talking to kids about adoption. Many years ago, I was doing dishes in the kitchen and overheard my girls playing with dolls in the next room.“I’ll be the tummy mommy and you be the other mommy.” I smiled at the sink. I was glad to know that the girls felt so comfortable talking about adoption that the theme showed up even in their playtime.

I also recall a moment of listening to one of my daughters correct a friend of hers who repeatedly questioned her about her “real” mom. Her replies made me laugh a little.

My daughter: “My real mom is in the kitchen.”

Her friend: “No, I mean your REAL mom.”

My daughter: “My real mom is in the kitchen. She takes care of me every day. It doesn’t get more real than her. I think you’re trying to ask about my birth mom.”

That little interaction is exactly why this first point is so important:

1. All children should be told about adoption…not just those children who are adopted! Educating kids about adoption including common adoption terminology ensures that there will be more understanding and compassion and less chance of kids saying ignorant things to other kids on the playground. Adoptive parents and their children need you to educate your child so that they don’t have to!

Take the time to learn respectful adoption terms. This will ensure that you will choose sensitive language when having the conversation with your child. Here’s a short rundown:

• Never say “real” or “your own” when referring to an adoptive parent’s biological children. If you feel the need to differentiate, “biological” and “adopted” are the terms you can use.
• Some people prefer the terminology of “first family” instead of “birth family”.
• “First moms” (or “birth moms”) “place their child for adoption” or “make an adoption plan”. They do not “give their child away”.
• Children are not “bought”. There are sometimes fees associated with paperwork, orphanage care, lawyers, travel, and medical expenses in an adoption, but the children themselves are not bought. They are priceless.
• Every adoption is unique and so are the circumstances.
• Stay away from asking adoptees and adoptive parents questions like these.

2. Talking about adoption should not wait until your child reaches a certain age. Adoption is a topic that should be introduced from birth or from the time your child is in your home. Waiting until they are older to first introduce adoption can lead to feelings of betrayal. Many of my adult friends remember well the day they learned their adoption “secret”. Because it was kept from them until a certain point, they felt that it must be something to be ashamed of.

3. Use age appropriate language and give age appropriate information. There are many cute books that can help introduce the topic of adoption to young children. As children get older, it becomes appropriate to share more specific details about their adoption story. When our oldest daughter was younger, her favourite bedtime story was the one where we would tell her about the night she first came to us. She loved to hear about how excited we were! As she got older, more details were added to the story and we began talking about some of the harder aspects of her history. An important factor to keep in mind is that emotional maturity is more critical to consider than a child’s actual calendar age when deciding what should be shared when.

4. Tell the truth. You obviously don’t want to share every difficult detail with a three year old, but continue to provide factual answers to your child’s questions so that by the time they are an adult, they are the owners of their whole story. This also includes providing them with any paper documentation you may have when they are at an age that they are ready to have it.

Telling the truth is easy if your child has a relatively easy story to tell or at least what is considered to be a typical adoption story, but telling the truth may seem impossible if your child’s history is sad or awful or complicated. It is still better to have them hear it from you, the person who loves them and whom they trust most than to find out some other way in the future and feel betrayed by you or feel that you were ashamed of their story.

5. Acknowledge the loss. Adoption is beautiful or at least, it can be beautiful, but adoption is also full of loss even in the best of circumstances. Acknowledge those losses with your child and let them know that it is okay to grieve them.

6. Talk about birth family/first family reunion. When you feel that your child is ready, broach the subject of how you would feel if they were to seek out their first family someday. Children feel a fierce sense of loyalty to both sets of parents and don’t want to upset you, so they may not be willing to bring up their desire or thoughts in regards to someday searching for their first family. If you let them know that you do not feel threatened by this, they will feel more free to include you in this part of their journey. If you do not think that them seeking out their first family would be best, share with them what your reasons are.

7. Let your child know that it is okay to ask you questions. Answer them in an age appropriate, yet truthful way.

8. Follow your child’s lead. When you create an environment where talking about adoption is as natural as asking someone to pass the peanut butter, you open the doors to allowing your child control over this part of their history. Some children want to talk often about it and others would rather not think about it very much. There are also stages of development that naturally bring about more questions about identity and belonging. Adoption may take on more of a focus during those times. 

9. Practise their public story with them. Adoption is one of those things that seems to invite a lot of questions. When their friends begin to find out that they are adopted (for trans-racially adopted kids, this happens immediately), your child will face questions. Practising with them what they are comfortable sharing and what is appropriate for them to share with close friends, acquaintances and strangers (having three sets of scripts – one for each of these groups) will allow your child to avoid the discomfort and anxiety that comes with the questions.

10. Don’t be afraid to call on a professional. If your child seems to be stuck in their grieving or having a lot of issues surrounding their adoption that seem to go beyond what you are comfortable with, it is very appropriate to seek the help of a counsellor. It is best to find one who has experience with working with clients who are adopted.

I hope these tips help you in talking to kids about adoption and in realizing the importance of such discussions.

You may also be interested in reading:

Your Child’s First Day Home (Adoption or Foster Care)

What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

These books for those adopting an older child can help a family prepare. They can also help increase the success of those who have already adopted by improving understanding and offering relevant resources. I would go so far as to say that in this situation, there’s really no such thing as being too prepared!

Reading up on what to expect as well as reading books on potentially relevant special needs such as early childhood trauma, attachment issues, and sensory issues can increase the success of your adoption. It is important to prepare yourself and your family as much as you can ahead of time and then continue to learn because there is of course only so much preparation you can do before you know the specific needs of your adopted child.

In our first 3 adoptions, our kids came to us in the foster care program as babies. Although there are still losses in adoption for kids who arrive when they are young, adopting older children brings with it additional challenges. When we adopted siblings who were 7 and 4 years old at the time we brought them home, we needed different resources.

We found some of the answers we were looking for in books and others in speaking to other adoptive families, therapists, and experts in the fields of attachment, sensory, and early childhood trauma.

For someone adopting an older child, the books I would recommend would be:

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families – I wrote this book to address a need that I saw was lacking. Self-care is critical for parents adopting older children or children with special needs. The book addresses topics such as secondary trauma, Post Adoption Depression, protecting your marriage, preparation and planning, and building a support network.

Sensory Processing Explained: A Handbook for Parents and Educators – It is almost taken as a given in many circles that older adopted children will have Sensory Processing Disorder or sensory issues because they fall into so many of the risk factors for it. I think that those considering adoption should familiarize themselves with this condition and the simple, yet effective ways that they can help a child with SPD to successfully navigate their world. 

The Connected Child: Bringing Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family by Dr. Karyn Purvis. This book offers concrete strategies and should be read before, during and after the adoption. I am a big fan of the late Dr. Purvis and her work and research on attachment and early childhood trauma. I would also recommend checking out her videos.

The Whole Brain Child is one of my favourite resources for better understanding how my kids’ brains work. It is helpful for any parent actually, but even more so for parents of kids who have experienced early trauma.

Parenting from the Inside Out – Sometimes having kids who struggle with attachment and trauma can trigger our own past hurts. This book is a wonderful resource in helping you understand yourself and your reactions and enable you to parent more effectively because of it.

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow by Gregory C. Keck. I love reading a book that has concrete examples of what to do instead of just vague generalities. This book offers actual lists of suggestions that are specific and very doable. I continue to reference this book years later.

The other books on the list are ones that I have not yet read although I feel confident in recommending them because I have attended seminars by Deborah Gray and read some of her other work. She is an expert in the field and well respected. Mike Berry and his wife write on the popular adoption blog Confessions of an Adoptive Parent and have some wonderful articles there. Their new book by the same title will reflect their years of experience.

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive FamiliesBuy NowSensory Processing ExplainedBuy NowThe Connected ChildThe Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing MindParenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who ThriveParenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and GrowAttaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s ParentsNurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience after Neglect and TraumaConfessions of an Adoptive Parent: Hope and Help from the Trenches of Foster Care and Adoption

Have you adopted an older child? What books would you recommend?

If you are looking for books specific to Reactive Attachment Disorder, you can read my list of the very best books for parenting RAD. 

Looking for adoption books that are perfect for kids? Check out our favourite children’s adoption books.  

I got a wonderful e-mail question last week asking about what to do on your newly adopted child’s first day home. I hope these suggestions help you to make those first hours easier for your family and for your new foster or adopted child.

When bringing home a newborn, most people are well versed in what to do. Even for first time parents, there are a myriad of books and advice available. But there are no guides written about bringing home a two year old or a six year old or an eleven year old or even a fifteen year old. 

During our eight years as foster parents, we experienced the “first day” many times and we experienced it again later as the adoptive parents to two older children. While each situation has its own unique circumstances, there are some things you can do to make that first day easier for you and for your new child.

1. Introduce yourself.

This may seem like an obvious one, but the child will likely be feeling overwhelmed and scared and even if someone else has tried to explain who you are before the meeting or if they have met you before, they may be unsure of what to call you.

Depending on the age of the child, you may wish to involve them in this decision. With a toddler, it is probably best if you introduce yourself as “mommy” and “daddy” or whatever version you want to be called. With an older child, they may be more comfortable calling you “auntie” and “uncle” or by your first name. Be sure that the choices you give them are ones that you are comfortable with. If you give them the choice to call you by your first name, they may continue to do that for quite some time and you need to be sure that you are okay with that before presenting them with that option.

Introduce them to everyone in the family including pets.

2. Give them a tour.

Take the child on a short tour of your home, being sure to point out important areas such as the bathroom(s), where they will be sleeping, where you will be sleeping, and if it’s okay to come to your room or call out to you in the night if they are afraid.

Let them know where things like towels and extra toilet paper are. Also show them where to put their things. If they are used to temporary foster homes, they may be used to living out of a suitcase or more likely, out of a plastic bag. Pointing out the dresser drawers and closet space where they can unpack their clothing will help them to feel a bit more stable.

3. Feed them.

Very quickly after arriving in your home, your new child should be given something to eat and reassured that there will be food available. Many older children coming into an adoption situation have experienced hunger whether it be through neglect or poverty and will need a lot of assurance that food will be readily available.

I always liked to open the pantry and fridge for them so that they had a visual of the food as well as letting them know that we would always have breakfast, lunch, supper and snacks. I also told them that they were welcome to help themselves to fruits and vegetables at any time. This is also a good time to ask them if there are foods that they especially like or foods that they don’t like or are allergic to. (as this first day is an exhausting, emotional one for you too, I suggest jotting their food preferences down so that you don’t forget)

4. House rules.

Take time to go over the basic house rules. This is not the time to go over every nuance and detail, but to have a sit down mini-meeting that lays out the non-negotiable house rules and clearly states what the consequences would be for breaking them. I cannot state the importance of this enough.

Many people don’t want to talk about this on the first day because they want things to be as warm and welcoming as possible for the child, but this is actually something the child WANTS and NEEDS to know.

They may have come from a situation where they experienced abuse or a very chaotic life. Setting boundaries will make them feel safe while laying out the consequences for breaking the rules will begin to address any fears they may have about being abused in your home. I suggest no more than five rules for this meeting and that the rules and consequences be written out and then hung up in an area where they can be seen. With tweens and teens, you may also want to have them sign the page.

5. Have a little welcome pack.

This is a day of mixed emotions for this child. On their first day home, they will likely be feeling nervous and likely even scared. Having a small welcome gift will let them know that you are happy to have them there. It’s also a nice ice breaker.

In an adoption situation, you will have more information about the child and will have anticipated this day. This will allow you to personalize the gift according to their age, gender, interests, and maybe even their name.

In the case of a foster child, you may not have much notice, but you will likely know ahead of time the approximate ages of the kids you are usually placed with. Based on that, you can always keep a bit of a stash of small gifts such as stuffed animals, colouring books and crayons, a book, some toiletries, a flashlight or nightlight in case they are afraid of the dark, and a few snacks. Having these items on hand will allow you to make a welcome basket when you need it. 

6. Cocoon.

For many parents, the wait for an adoptive child has been a long one and they are excited to have their family and friends meet their new child. While this is understandable, having visitors over or going out will only add to the feelings of insecurity and being overwhelmed that the child is already experiencing.

Be prepared to cocoon for an extended period of time especially when adopting older children. This not only allows the child to begin to understand the permanence of this (adoptive) placement, but it sets the foundation for healthy attachment to begin. For those not familiar with cocooning, you can read more about it here.

Even with a new foster child, a period of cocooning is a good idea as they adjust to their new surroundings and process their new reality.

You might also want to read:

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families 

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

There are so many great children’s books about adoption. When we began our first adoption journey many years ago, it was much harder to find good books. Having adoption books for kids helps them to better understand their story and to ask questions and be able to talk openly about it. It helps them to know that there are other children who have also been adopted.

When should you start introducing adoption books to kids?

Adoption should be a topic that is common in your home from day one. When you talk about it (in an age appropriate way) from the very beginning, your child will understand that there isn’t anything shameful or off-limits about it.

Should you have adoption books for kids in your home if your kids are not adopted?

Yes! Please introduce the concept of adoption to your biological children in your home so that when they see adoptive families at the playground, the adopted children or adoptive parents don’t have to educate them about it.

Adoption Books for Kids:

I Don’t Have Your EyesWe Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and FamiliesI Promise I’ll Find YouI Love You Like Crazy CakesGod Found Us YouI Like Myself!Tell Me Again About the Night I Was BornA Mother for ChocoI Love My Hair!Forever Fingerprints: An Amazing Discovery for Adopted Children I Don’t Have Your Eyes by Carrie A. Kitze is one of my all-time favourites. It is heartwarming and an easy introduction to talk to your kids about some of the differences they may have noticed especially in transracial adoption while concentrating even more on the similarities that we all have.

We Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and Families by Todd Parr is a great book for younger children. It is simple and yet profound.

I Promise I’ll Find You by Heather Ward is not directly adoption-related, but it’s always been a favourite children’s book. It is especially good for kids who deal with abandonment issues. They need a lot of reassurance that they now have a parent who would go to the ends of the earth to find them if ever they were apart.

I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Rose A. Lewis is just cute. The kids and I are now always saying to each other “I love you like crazy cakes” or our own invented version, “I love you like crazy muffins”!

God Found Us You by Lisa Tawn Bergren is a sweet little story about a fox and is applicable to all types of adoption. As the title suggests, this book is from a Christian perspective.

I Like Myself by Karen Beaumont is another book that is not directly adoption related, but I put it in this category because some of my kids need extra work on their self-esteem. This book is fabulous for that! It’s also fun to read as it has funny bits and parts where you can incorporate touch (like when it talks about noses or toes, you can take the opportunity to touch your child’s nose and toes).

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis is pretty specific to domestic infant adoption, but we have still been able to use it as a segway into talking about the day that each of our kids came to us and the unique circumstances around that. It is also good at relating the feelings that an adoptive couple may experience and relaying that to your child. It’s a good conversation starter for talking about how you were feeling at different stages in their adoption.

A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza is a book that I have a soft spot for because it was one of our very first adoption children’s books. It introduces the concept that being the same is not what makes a family. It is great for young children.

I Love My Hair! by Natasha Tarpley is again not just for adopted children, but as the mom of an African-born daughter, this book has helped us teach her to love her hair and be proud of who she is.

Forever Fingerprints: An Amazing Discovery for Adopted Children by Sherrie Eldridge touches on issues that may be hard for children to bring up on their own such as their feelings about birth family and is an excellent starting point for discussions with your kids.

What about you? What are your favourite adoption-related children’s books? What are your kids’ favourites?