Adoption

Talking to Kids About Adoption (10 Great Tips)

No two adoption stories are alike. Therefore, there is not a one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to talking to kids about adoption. Many years ago, I was doing dishes in the kitchen and overheard my girls playing with dolls in the next room.“I’ll be the tummy mommy and you be the other mommy.” I smiled at the sink. I was glad to know that the girls felt so comfortable talking about adoption that the theme showed up even in their playtime.

I also recall a moment of listening to one of my daughters correct a friend of hers who repeatedly questioned her about her “real” mom. Her replies made me laugh a little.

My daughter: “My real mom is in the kitchen.”

Her friend: “No, I mean your REAL mom.”

My daughter: “My real mom is in the kitchen. She takes care of me every day. It doesn’t get more real than her. I think you’re trying to ask about my birth mom.”

That little interaction is exactly why this first point is so important:

1. All children should be told about adoption…not just those children who are adopted! Educating kids about adoption including common adoption terminology ensures that there will be more understanding and compassion and less chance of kids saying ignorant things to other kids on the playground. Adoptive parents and their children need you to educate your child so that they don’t have to!

Take the time to learn respectful adoption terms. This will ensure that you will choose sensitive language when having the conversation with your child. Here’s a short rundown:

Never say “real” or “your own” when referring to an adoptive parent’s biological children. If you feel the need to differentiate, “biological” and “adopted” are the terms you can use.
Some people prefer the terminology of “first family” instead of “birth family”.
“First moms” (or “birth moms”) “place their child for adoption” or “make an adoption plan”. They do not “give their child away”.
Children are not “bought”. There are sometimes fees associated with paperwork, orphanage care, lawyers, travel, and medical expenses in an adoption, but the children themselves are not bought. They are priceless.
Every adoption is unique and so are the circumstances.
Stay away from asking adoptees and adoptive parents questions like these.

2. Talking about adoption should not wait until your child reaches a certain age. Adoption is a topic that should be introduced from birth or from the time your child is in your home. Waiting until they are older to first introduce adoption can lead to feelings of betrayal. Many of my adult friends remember well the day they learned their adoption “secret”. Because it was kept from them until a certain point, they felt that it must be something to be ashamed of.

3. Use age appropriate language and give age appropriate information. There are many cute books that can help introduce the topic of adoption to young children. As children get older, it becomes appropriate to share more specific details about their adoption story. When our oldest daughter was younger, her favourite bedtime story was the one where we would tell her about the night she first came to us. She loved to hear about how excited we were! As she got older, more details were added to the story and we began talking about some of the harder aspects of her history. An important factor to keep in mind is that emotional maturity is more critical to consider than a child’s actual calendar age when deciding what should be shared when.

4. Tell the truth. You obviously don’t want to share every difficult detail with a three year old, but continue to provide factual answers to your child’s questions so that by the time they are an adult, they are the owners of their whole story. This also includes providing them with any paper documentation you may have when they are at an age that they are ready to have it.

Telling the truth is easy if your child has a relatively easy story to tell or at least what is considered to be a typical adoption story, but telling the truth may seem impossible if your child’s history is sad or awful or complicated. It is still better to have them hear it from you, the person who loves them and whom they trust most than to find out some other way in the future and feel betrayed by you or feel that you were ashamed of their story.

5. Acknowledge the loss. Adoption is beautiful or at least, it can be beautiful, but adoption is also full of loss even in the best of circumstances. Acknowledge those losses with your child and let them know that it is okay to grieve them.

6. Talk about birth family/first family reunion. When you feel that your child is ready, broach the subject of how you would feel if they were to seek out their first family someday. Children feel a fierce sense of loyalty to both sets of parents and don’t want to upset you, so they may not be willing to bring up their desire or thoughts in regards to someday searching for their first family. If you let them know that you do not feel threatened by this, they will feel more free to include you in this part of their journey. If you do not think that them seeking out their first family would be best, share with them what your reasons are.

7. Let your child know that it is okay to ask you questions. Answer them in an age appropriate, yet truthful way.

8. Follow your child’s lead. When you create an environment where talking about adoption is as natural as asking someone to pass the peanut butter, you open the doors to allowing your child control over this part of their history. Some children want to talk often about it and others would rather not think about it very much. There are also stages of development that naturally bring about more questions about identity and belonging. Adoption may take on more of a focus during those times.

9. Practise their public story with them. Adoption is one of those things that seems to invite a lot of questions. When their friends begin to find out that they are adopted (for trans-racially adopted kids, this happens immediately), your child will face questions. Practising with them what they are comfortable sharing and what is appropriate for them to share with close friends, acquaintances and strangers (having three sets of scripts – one for each of these groups) will allow your child to avoid the discomfort and anxiety that comes with the questions.

10. Don’t be afraid to call on a professional. If your child seems to be stuck in their grieving or having a lot of issues surrounding their adoption that seem to go beyond what you are comfortable with, it is very appropriate to seek the help of a counsellor. It is best to find one who has experience with working with clients who are adopted.

I hope these tips help you in talking to kids about adoption and in realizing the importance of such discussions.

You may also be interested in reading:

Your Child’s First Day Home (Adoption or Foster Care)

What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

Is There Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder?

By Sharla Kostelyk

Parenting a child with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) is not for the faint of heart. It can be a discouraging, uphill battle. One of the questions I hear from parents most often is: Is there hope for a child with RAD? As the mom of two children who are diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, it’s a question I have asked myself often over the years as well.

Living with the effects of RAD in your home can wear on the whole family over time, especially if you don’t feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel.

For many years, I heard therapists and experts and other parents parenting kids with RAD tell me that there was no hope. It felt like we had tried everything and things were only getting worse. I felt hopelessness and despair.

It wasn’t until my husband and I attended an Empowered to Connect conference in Minneapolis and heard Dr. Karyn Purvis speak that I had my first glimmer of hope.

“I’ve never met a child who can’t come to deep levels of healing.” ~ Dr. Karyn Purvis

Listening to story after story of children who had been able to come to a place of healing gave me something to cling to. I felt like I had hope for our children’s futures, for our family, for the first time in a long time.

I wish that I could say that after we came home from that conference and put into practise what we had learned, all the negative behaviours magically disappeared and our children quickly learned that they could trust us. They didn’t. I wish I could say that the road got easier. It didn’t.

The road was twisty and long. We were exhausted. We went through harder times than we had before. We asked for help. We accessed services and therapies. We nearly got to the end of our capabilities and our sanity.

For the privacy of our children, I am not sharing specifics of just how difficult things got. But I know that if you are parenting a child who has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I do not need to share specifics. You know. You live this. I hope that it helps you just even a little bit to know that others have lived it too and have survived.

There is hope.

Our son and our daughter are showing healthy and secure attachment. They turn to us when they are sick or hurting and need comfort. They trust that we will meet their needs.

They make eye contact. They talk about their feelings. They hug us. They ask for what they need instead of “asking” through behaviours. They are able to accept correction and follow our rules (most of the time).

They are choosing me. Our daughter no longer wants to go with strangers or “shop for a new mommy”.

They show empathy and compassion for others. They are gaining confidence in who they are. They are accepting our love and are reciprocating it.

It feels like a miracle.

Their journeys have been different. Our son’s attachment to us came sooner, but his trauma still affects many aspects of his life. Our son has loved us fiercely for a number of years now, but our daughter was not able to allow herself to accept our love or love us in return.

And then, eight and a half years after she came to us, we began to see signs. They were small at first. Sometimes she would grow closer to us and then catch herself and push us away. Tuck-ins became longer as she began to open up to us and share her feelings. She began to sit next to me on the couch.

She was making eye contact and asking for my help with things. She was singing more and dancing with me in the kitchen.

I felt like I was holding my breath at times, afraid that in a puff, the magic would disappear and the angry girl would return. But the content girl stayed.

One morning, I noticed as our daughter was about to go to school that she had written something on her shirt in permanent marker. (There was a time when such a thing would have upset me, but one of the many things I have learned on this connective parenting journey is what is really a mountain and what isn’t. I’m not bothered by permanent marker on an old t-shirt now.)

I asked her what she had written on her shirt and she told me that today was Superhero Day at her school and since she didn’t have a superhero costume, she had decided to make hers.

She pulled her coat open to reveal what she had written on her shirt.

In case you can’t read that, it says, “My Mom and my Dad are my Superheros”!!!

I don’t have adequate words to describe the significance of that. There were so many years where she pushed me away, where she couldn’t accept my love, where she felt that she was betraying her first mom if she even smiled in my direction, where she expressed the depth of her hatred for me with nearly every breath.

I had tears in my eyes as I reflected on how far we had come. I also had tears in my eyes later that week when she wanted to hold my hand everywhere we went and tears in my eyes when I overheard her tell someone “I’m so lucky that I can love two mommies and two daddies”.

And the tears were streaming all the way down my face two weeks ago when she got baptized and shared her story in front of a building full of people, a story of loss and hurt, of sorrow and pain, of losing her first family and her first country and then of losing her hearing, but also a story of redemption and love.

Once she was able to accept our love for her, she was able to accept God’s love for her as well. That day felt like the culmination of our journey. It doesn’t mean that our journey is over, but having a symbol of how far we have all come was pretty special.

Our kids still have early childhood trauma that they are working through. Behaviours still rear their ugly heads sometimes when our kids forget to use their words or forget to talk about their feelings. But there are more good days than bad and there is a lot more joy in our home.

Things aren’t perfect. I don’t expect them to ever be. There is no “magic” cure for RAD, but there is hope.
Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

You may also want to read:

What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child with RAD

Reactive Attachment Disorder Books

Books for Those Adopting an Older Child

By Sharla Kostelyk

These books for those adopting an older child can help a family prepare. They can also help increase the success of those who have already adopted by improving understanding and offering relevant resources. I would go so far as to say that in this situation, there’s really no such thing as being too prepared!

Reading up on what to expect as well as reading books on potentially relevant special needs such as early childhood trauma, attachment issues, and sensory issues can increase the success of your adoption. It is important to prepare yourself and your family as much as you can ahead of time and then continue to learn because there is of course only so much preparation you can do before you know the specific needs of your adopted child.

In our first 3 adoptions, our kids came to us in the foster care program as babies. Although there are still losses in adoption for kids who arrive when they are young, adopting older children brings with it additional challenges. When we adopted siblings who were 7 and 4 years old at the time we brought them home, we needed different resources.

We found some of the answers we were looking for in books and others in speaking to other adoptive families, therapists, and experts in the fields of attachment, sensory, and early childhood trauma.

For someone adopting an older child, the books I would recommend would be:

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families – I wrote this book to address a need that I saw was lacking. Self-care is critical for parents adopting older children or children with special needs. The book addresses topics such as secondary trauma, Post Adoption Depression, protecting your marriage, preparation and planning, and building a support network.

Sensory Processing Explained: A Handbook for Parents and Educators – It is almost taken as a given in many circles that older adopted children will have Sensory Processing Disorder or sensory issues because they fall into so many of the risk factors for it. I think that those considering adoption should familiarize themselves with this condition and the simple, yet effective ways that they can help a child with SPD to successfully navigate their world.

The Connected Child: Bringing Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family by Dr. Karyn Purvis. This book offers concrete strategies and should be read before, during and after the adoption. I am a big fan of the late Dr. Purvis and her work and research on attachment and early childhood trauma. I would also recommend checking out her videos.

The Whole Brain Child is one of my favourite resources for better understanding how my kids’ brains work. It is helpful for any parent actually, but even more so for parents of kids who have experienced early trauma.

Parenting from the Inside Out – Sometimes having kids who struggle with attachment and trauma can trigger our own past hurts. This book is a wonderful resource in helping you understand yourself and your reactions and enable you to parent more effectively because of it.

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow by Gregory C. Keck. I love reading a book that has concrete examples of what to do instead of just vague generalities. This book offers actual lists of suggestions that are specific and very doable. I continue to reference this book years later.

The other books on the list are ones that I have not yet read although I feel confident in recommending them because I have attended seminars by Deborah Gray and read some of her other work. She is an expert in the field and well respected. Mike Berry and his wife write on the popular adoption blog Confessions of an Adoptive Parent and have some wonderful articles there. Their new book by the same title will reflect their years of experience.

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive FamiliesBuy Now Sensory Processing ExplainedBuy Now The Connected Child The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience after Neglect and Trauma Confessions of an Adoptive Parent: Hope and Help from the Trenches of Foster Care and Adoption

Have you adopted an older child? What books would you recommend?

If you are looking for books specific to Reactive Attachment Disorder, you can read my list of the very best books for parenting RAD.

Looking for adoption books that are perfect for kids? Check out our favourite children’s adoption books.

Your Child’s First Day Home (Adoption and Foster Care)

By Sharla Kostelyk

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I got a wonderful e-mail question last week asking about what to do on your newly adopted child’s first day home. I hope these suggestions help you to make those first hours easier for your family and for your new foster or adopted child.

When bringing home a newborn, most people are well versed in what to do. Even for first time parents, there are a myriad of books and advice available. But there are no guides written about bringing home a two year old or a six year old or an eleven year old or even a fifteen year old.

During our eight years as foster parents, we experienced the “first day” many times and we experienced it again later as the adoptive parents to two older children. While each situation has its own unique circumstances, there are some things you can do to make that first day easier for you and for your new child.

1. Introduce yourself.

This may seem like an obvious one, but the child will likely be feeling overwhelmed and scared and even if someone else has tried to explain who you are before the meeting or if they have met you before, they may be unsure of what to call you.

Depending on the age of the child, you may wish to involve them in this decision. With a toddler, it is probably best if you introduce yourself as “mommy” and “daddy” or whatever version you want to be called. With an older child, they may be more comfortable calling you “auntie” and “uncle” or by your first name. Be sure that the choices you give them are ones that you are comfortable with. If you give them the choice to call you by your first name, they may continue to do that for quite some time and you need to be sure that you are okay with that before presenting them with that option.

Introduce them to everyone in the family including pets.

2. Give them a tour.

Take the child on a short tour of your home, being sure to point out important areas such as the bathroom(s), where they will be sleeping, where you will be sleeping, and if it’s okay to come to your room or call out to you in the night if they are afraid.

Let them know where things like towels and extra toilet paper are. Also show them where to put their things. If they are used to temporary foster homes, they may be used to living out of a suitcase or more likely, out of a plastic bag. Pointing out the dresser drawers and closet space where they can unpack their clothing will help them to feel a bit more stable.

3. Feed them.

Very quickly after arriving in your home, your new child should be given something to eat and reassured that there will be food available. Many older children coming into an adoption situation have experienced hunger whether it be through neglect or poverty and will need a lot of assurance that food will be readily available.

I always liked to open the pantry and fridge for them so that they had a visual of the food as well as letting them know that we would always have breakfast, lunch, supper and snacks. I also told them that they were welcome to help themselves to fruits and vegetables at any time. This is also a good time to ask them if there are foods that they especially like or foods that they don’t like or are allergic to. (as this first day is an exhausting, emotional one for you too, I suggest jotting their food preferences down so that you don’t forget)

4. House rules.

Take time to go over the basic house rules. This is not the time to go over every nuance and detail, but to have a sit down mini-meeting that lays out the non-negotiable house rules and clearly states what the consequences would be for breaking them. I cannot state the importance of this enough.

Many people don’t want to talk about this on the first day because they want things to be as warm and welcoming as possible for the child, but this is actually something the child WANTS and NEEDS to know.

They may have come from a situation where they experienced abuse or a very chaotic life. Setting boundaries will make them feel safe while laying out the consequences for breaking the rules will begin to address any fears they may have about being abused in your home. I suggest no more than five rules for this meeting and that the rules and consequences be written out and then hung up in an area where they can be seen. With tweens and teens, you may also want to have them sign the page.

5. Have a little welcome pack.

This is a day of mixed emotions for this child. On their first day home, they will likely be feeling nervous and likely even scared. Having a small welcome gift will let them know that you are happy to have them there. It’s also a nice ice breaker.

In an adoption situation, you will have more information about the child and will have anticipated this day. This will allow you to personalize the gift according to their age, gender, interests, and maybe even their name.

In the case of a foster child, you may not have much notice, but you will likely know ahead of time the approximate ages of the kids you are usually placed with. Based on that, you can always keep a bit of a stash of small gifts such as stuffed animals, colouring books and crayons, a book, some toiletries, a flashlight or nightlight in case they are afraid of the dark, and a few snacks. Having these items on hand will allow you to make a welcome basket when you need it.

6. Cocoon.

For many parents, the wait for an adoptive child has been a long one and they are excited to have their family and friends meet their new child. While this is understandable, having visitors over or going out will only add to the feelings of insecurity and being overwhelmed that the child is already experiencing.

Be prepared to cocoon for an extended period of time especially when adopting older children. This not only allows the child to begin to understand the permanence of this (adoptive) placement, but it sets the foundation for healthy attachment to begin. For those not familiar with cocooning, you can read more about it here.

Even with a new foster child, a period of cocooning is a good idea as they adjust to their new surroundings and process their new reality.

You might also want to read:

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

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The Waves of Grief in Special Needs Parenting

By Sharla Kostelyk

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There is a unique kind of grief that comes along with being the parent of a child with special needs. For me, the grief comes in waves, sometimes threatening to overtake me while at other times ebbing and allowing me the chance to breathe.

Maybe you find yourself feeling this grief too. You may feel guilty for the conflicting feelings you have. I want you to know that it’s okay to grieve.

Before you had your child, you probably had an idea of what it would be like to watch them grow up. Maybe you imagined being at their baseball games cheering from the sidelines or pictured moments snuggled up on the couch together reading a favourite story. You may even have projected things far in advance such as their wedding day or high school graduation. No doubt you also imagined what you would be like as a parent and what you would teach your child.

The dreams you had and the vision in your mind of what your family would be like probably looked quite different from how the average day plays out in your home.

And while normally, I am here to give you tools to help you better meet your child’s needs or better understand them and I’m here to help you champion your child, today, I’m here to say that it’s okay to grieve for what you thought would be and isn’t.

Do any of these apply to you?

your child’s behaviours sometimes have you in tears
you question your ability to adequately meet their needs
you’ve received a diagnosis for your child
your child rejects you
your home is more chaos than peace
you feel like your friends with “neuro-typical kids” just cannot understand
you feel isolated or alone
you sometimes think about the dream you used to have for your child
you think about “before” your child’s illness or diagnosis and feel sadness

I need you to know that feeling these things does not make you a terrible parent. These feelings do not make you an awful person. It makes you human. It is normal to grieve the loss of something. Having a child who struggles is the loss of the dream of how you thought things would be. It’s okay to grieve that loss.

To be clear, grieving the child you thought you would have does not mean that you do not love the child that is.

Give yourself the time, space and care to be able to grieve what is a very real loss. That means allowing yourself to cry, talking to others who do understand (find those who have walked this road themselves), self-care, self-care, self-care, and possibly even going to therapy to help process and work through your emotions.

The grief doesn’t end. It comes in waves. Sometimes I’m fine for months, and then BAM, I’m a puddle of tears in the fetal position on my bathroom floor holding a chocolate bar!

Seeing my daughter grieving her hearing loss, my son not having friends to invite to his birthday party, even something like reading the posts of friends on Facebook can ignite my grief anew. The waves can build up over time or swell quickly spurred on by an event or milestone.

I used to feel so guilty for these feelings. I felt like I had no right to be feeling sad myself when my child was the one being directly affected by their challenges.

But then I came to accept that it’s okay to acknowledge those feelings and to really feel them. It’s okay to admit that my dreams need to be different now. It’s okay to grieve.

Of course, it’s also important to push through and find those new dreams and new ways to create joy in your life and your child’s life. It’s about balance. You’re not going to be any good to anyone if you are crumpled on your bathroom floor clutching a chocolate bar every single day, but your family will survive if you go for a drive and have a good cry once in awhile.

If you’re looking for support or information, join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

If you’re looking for a place where other parents understand, join our group on Facebook with other parents who are parenting children with additional challenges.

You may also want to read:

Special Needs Mama, You Are Amazing!

12 Things That Special Needs Mom Needs from You

Special Needs Parenting Resources

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Our Favourite Adoption Books for Kids

By Sharla Kostelyk

There are so many great children’s books about adoption. When we began our first adoption journey many years ago, it was much harder to find good books. Having adoption books for kids helps them to better understand their story and to ask questions and be able to talk openly about it. It helps them to know that there are other children who have also been adopted.

When should you start introducing adoption books to kids?

Adoption should be a topic that is common in your home from day one. When you talk about it (in an age appropriate way) from the very beginning, your child will understand that there isn’t anything shameful or off-limits about it.

Should you have adoption books for kids in your home if your kids are not adopted?

Yes! Please introduce the concept of adoption to your biological children in your home so that when they see adoptive families at the playground, the adopted children or adoptive parents don’t have to educate them about it.

Adoption Books for Kids:

I Don’t Have Your Eyes We Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and Families I Promise I’ll Find You I Love You Like Crazy Cakes God Found Us You I Like Myself!Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born A Mother for Choco I Love My Hair!Forever Fingerprints: An Amazing Discovery for Adopted Children I Don’t Have Your Eyes by Carrie A. Kitze is one of my all-time favourites. It is heartwarming and an easy introduction to talk to your kids about some of the differences they may have noticed especially in transracial adoption while concentrating even more on the similarities that we all have.

We Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and Families by Todd Parr is a great book for younger children. It is simple and yet profound.

I Promise I’ll Find You by Heather Ward is not directly adoption-related, but it’s always been a favourite children’s book. It is especially good for kids who deal with abandonment issues. They need a lot of reassurance that they now have a parent who would go to the ends of the earth to find them if ever they were apart.

I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Rose A. Lewis is just cute. The kids and I are now always saying to each other “I love you like crazy cakes” or our own invented version, “I love you like crazy muffins”!

God Found Us You by Lisa Tawn Bergren is a sweet little story about a fox and is applicable to all types of adoption. As the title suggests, this book is from a Christian perspective.

I Like Myself by Karen Beaumont is another book that is not directly adoption related, but I put it in this category because some of my kids need extra work on their self-esteem. This book is fabulous for that! It’s also fun to read as it has funny bits and parts where you can incorporate touch (like when it talks about noses or toes, you can take the opportunity to touch your child’s nose and toes).

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis is pretty specific to domestic infant adoption, but we have still been able to use it as a segway into talking about the day that each of our kids came to us and the unique circumstances around that. It is also good at relating the feelings that an adoptive couple may experience and relaying that to your child. It’s a good conversation starter for talking about how you were feeling at different stages in their adoption.

A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza is a book that I have a soft spot for because it was one of our very first adoption children’s books. It introduces the concept that being the same is not what makes a family. It is great for young children.

I Love My Hair! by Natasha Tarpley is again not just for adopted children, but as the mom of an African-born daughter, this book has helped us teach her to love her hair and be proud of who she is.

Forever Fingerprints: An Amazing Discovery for Adopted Children by Sherrie Eldridge touches on issues that may be hard for children to bring up on their own such as their feelings about birth family and is an excellent starting point for discussions with your kids.

What about you? What are your favourite adoption-related children’s books? What are your kids’ favourites?