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Adoption

The Waves of Grief in Special Needs Parenting

By Sharla Kostelyk

There is a unique kind of grief that comes along with being the parent of a child with special needs. For me, the grief comes in waves, sometimes threatening to overtake me while at other times ebbing and allowing me the chance to breathe. The waves of grief that can come in parenting a child with special needs #parentingspecialneeds #parenting #specialneeds

Maybe you find yourself feeling this grief too. You may feel guilty for the conflicting feelings you have. I want you to know that it’s okay to grieve.

Before you had your child, you probably had an idea of what it would be like to watch them grow up. Maybe you imagined being at their baseball games cheering from the sidelines or pictured moments snuggled up on the couch together reading a favourite story. You may even have projected things far in advance such as their wedding day or high school graduation. No doubt you also imagined what you would be like as a parent and what you would teach your child.

The dreams you had and the vision in your mind of what your family would be like probably looked quite different from how the average day plays out in your home.

And while normally, I am here to give you tools to help you better meet your child’s needs or better understand them and I’m here to help you champion your child, today, I’m here to say that it’s okay to grieve for what you thought would be and isn’t.

Do any of these apply to you?

  • your child’s behaviours sometimes have you in tears
  • you question your ability to adequately meet their needs
  • you’ve received a diagnosis for your child
  • your child rejects you
  • you feel like your friends with “neuro-typical kids” just cannot understand
  • you feel isolated or alone
  • your home is more chaos than peace
  • you sometimes think about the dream you used to have for your child
  • you think about “before” your child’s illness or diagnosis and feel sadness

I need you to know that feeling these things does not make you a terrible parent. These feelings do not make you an awful person. It makes you human. It is normal to grieve the loss of something. Having a child who struggles is the loss of the dream of how you thought things would be. It’s okay to grieve that loss.

To be clear, grieving the child you thought you would have does not mean that you do not love the child that is.

Give yourself the time, space and care to be able to grieve what is a very real loss. That means allowing yourself to cry, talking to others who do understand (find those who have walked this road themselves), self-care, self-care, self-care, and possibly even going to therapy to help process and work through your emotions.

The grief doesn’t end. It comes in waves. Sometimes I’m fine for months, and then BAM, I’m a puddle of tears in the fetal position on my bathroom floor holding a chocolate bar!

Seeing my daughter grieving her hearing loss, my son not having friends to invite to his birthday party, even something like reading the posts of friends on Facebook can ignite my grief anew. The waves can build up over time or swell quickly spurred on by an event or milestone. 

I used to feel so guilty for these feelings. I felt like I had no right to be feeling sad myself when my child was the one being directly affected by their challenges.

But then I came to accept that it’s okay to acknowledge those feelings and to really feel them. It’s okay to admit that my dreams need to be different now. It’s okay to grieve.

Of course, it’s also important to push through and find those new dreams and new ways to create joy in your life and your child’s life. It’s about balance. You’re not going to be any good to anyone if you are crumpled on your bathroom floor clutching a chocolate bar every single day, but your family will survive if you go for a drive and have a good cry once in awhile.

If you’re looking for support or information, join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents. 

You may also want to read:

Special Needs Mama, You Are Amazing!Encouragement for all the brave moms raising a child with special needs and fighting the good fight every day

12 Things That Special Needs Mom Needs from You 12 Things a Special Needs Mom Needs from you

Special Needs Parenting Resources 

Filed Under: Adoption, Special Needs Parenting

What is the Treatment for RAD?

By Sharla Kostelyk

There are several treatment options for Reactive Attachment Disorder. In most cases, a combination of treatments is used. Love alone is not enough to cure RAD. Treatment Options for Reactive Attachment Disorder #adoption #RAD #specialneedsparentingPlease remember that I am not a therapist or official expert in the field of Reactive Attachment Disorder. I am a mom. Two of my kids happen to have the diagnosis. This article is based on the current research into the treatment for RAD as well as my personal experience. I have not tried everything on this list.

There is no “one size fits all” treatment package I’m afraid when it comes to RAD. What works depends on the child, the family, and a variety of other factors such as other diagnoses.

In many cases, a diagnosis of RAD is not an isolated diagnosis. It often comes alongside other diagnoses such as Sensory Processing Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or developmental trauma disorder, ADHD, an anxiety disorder, depression, cognitive delays, or FASD.

In fact, it is not uncommon for kids to have several diagnoses on the list. This is one of the reasons why a treatment plan needs to be customized to the child.

TBRI:

The treatment that we have found the most effective for our kids with RAD was TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention). It is based off this theory; “Our children were harmed in relationship and they will experience healing through nurturing relationships” ~ Karyn Purvis.

We used TBRI along with some of the other treatment strategies listed in this article.

The main principles of TBRI include:

  • Safe and Structured Environment
  • Sensory Needs
  • Nutrition
  • Empowering Principles
  • Connecting Principles
  • Observational Awareness
  • Self-Awareness
  • Skills of Attachment
  • Playful Engagement
  • Attunement
  • Correcting Principles
  • Proactive Behavioural Strategies
  • Responsive Behavioural Strategies

The abbreviated program activity list here (near the bottom) is very helpful.

Medication:

Choosing to medicate a child is a very personal decision. I share some of our experience with that here. There is no prescription that will magically cure RAD, but there are some that will treat some of the symptoms such as anxiety, aggression, trouble sleeping, and difficulty focusing.

It is certainly more complicated than just treating a symptom with a pill. There are many factors to consider. I suggest consulting a paediatric psychiatrist who specializes in or is at least very familiar with treating attachment and trauma disorders.

Choosing to medicate is a big decision and one where it doesn’t hurt to get a second opinion.

Counselling:

Whether you choose individual and/or family psychological counselling, it is very important to choose a therapist who is trauma informed and experienced in attachment disorders.

If you seek the help of a therapist who does not have experience with Reactive Attachment Disorder, they can be distracted by the child’s coping skills (which can come across as charming) and not recognize the signs of RAD.

Parent-Child Attachment/Trauma Program:

With each of our kids, I attended a one year long program specific to attachment and trauma. I feel so fortunate that our area has such a program.

If you are fortunate to have one in your area, be sure that it is based on the current science of the impact of trauma on the developing brain and the science of attachment.

Play Therapy:

Play therapy can be particularly beneficial for kids who were very young (babies or prenatally) at the time when their trauma or neglect occurred.

Talk therapy is often not as productive for kids who were preverbal at the time of their abuse or neglect because they hadn’t developed language at that time in order to be able to discuss it later.

The use of sand trays in particular can be useful in helping kids play out some of their past and better process it.

Art Therapy:

Art therapy can help children process what happened to them. It is a non-threatening approach that works very well with some children.

There is more and more research being done in the area of art therapy. It is becoming easier to access. Again, it is best if you can find a therapist who is attachment and trauma informed.

Animal Assisted Therapy:

One of our sons did animal assisted therapy for over a year. It was extremely therapeutic for him. Where the love of another human can feel so threatening to kids with RAD, allowing themselves to love and be loved by animals can sometimes help bridge that gap.

It is also wonderful for them to build confidence in themselves by taking care of an animal. Therapeutic programs use a variety of animals including horses, dogs, chickens, llamas, donkeys, and even pigs.

Important note: There are some kids with RAD who harm animals. If this is the case with your child, inform the therapists ahead of time. They may not feel that your child is a good fit for the program or they may be willing to have them attend but offer increased supervision.

Neurofeedback:

Neurofeedback is a type of biofeedback that uses real-time displays of brain activity to teach clients self-regulation. It is not something suitable for young children or those with severe cognitive delays. Most commonly, it uses EEG.

Neurofeedback is still a fairly controversial approach. The scientific data at this time points to more of a placebo effect. Neurofeedback can be expensive as well.

EMDR:

EMDR on the other hand has more and more scientific data backing up its effectiveness in treating PTSD. As many of “our” kids with attachment issues also have a trauma history, it stands to reason that EMDR can be an effective treatment for them at least where the root of their trauma is concerned.

This article on adapting EMDR specifically for children with RAD has some excellent suggestions.

EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It works best in adults or older children who were verbal at the time of their trauma, so it may not be as effective if the abuse or neglect happened during the very early months or years.

We have found EMDR gives good results. We also use bilateral stimulation with the kids at home if they are having a hard time calming themselves down.

Residential Treatment:

In some cases, it is no longer safe to have a child in the home, either because they are a danger to a parent, a sibling or themselves. In these cases, a period of removing the child from the home for a period of time may be necessary.

Obviously, residential treatment is more of a last resort option. It can further compound the belief the child has that they are not loveable or that anyone who is supposed to love them will eventually leave them, but others in the home deserve to feel safe and sometimes, there really is no alternative.

Sometimes residential treatment can compound the rejection and abandonment issues for a child while other times, it can actually lead to tremendous healing.

Other possible options of treatment for RAD:

  • circle of security intervention
  • vision therapy
  • QEEG brain map
  • neuro-reorganization exercises

Important note: Avoid any attachment therapies that involve forcibly holding or physical discipline.

More information about Reactive Attachment Disorder:

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder? 

Recognizing the Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder Recognizing the Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder

Is there Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder?Is there hope for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder? #adoption #parenting #RAD #reactiveattachmentdisorder

Filed Under: Adoption, Special Needs Parenting

The Mega List of Adoption Shower Ideas

By Sharla Kostelyk

Our first adoptions were done through the foster-to-adopt program, so we weren’t able to celebrate when our children first came to us. When our oldest daughter’s adoption finalized more than 4 years after she came to live with us, a group of my friends threw me a surprise shower at a restaurant with gifts and the most lovely cards.

Then when we got her birth sister as a baby, friends threw her and I a pink themed adoption shower. It was such a special time for me to be able to publicly acknowledge this huge event in our family!

Over the years, I had held baby showers for numerous friends and relatives. All babies deserve to be celebrated, but I had missed being able to have this event for my babies. It was all the more special to be able to commemorate my new baby’s induction into our family at her adoption shower.

Years later when we brought home two children from Ethiopia, we waited until they had adjusted before we held a welcome party for them at our home.

These events are important commemorations and being able to share them with friends and family make them all the more meaningful.

Adoption Shower themes and ideas:

Happy Home Fairy shares a shower for a Russian adoption including martyroshkas (Russian Nesting Dolls) as decor and many personal touches.

The Sweetest Occasion shares ideas for an older child adoption shower or celebration.

These Three Remain has ideas for decorations and food for a Chinese adoption shower.

The Pleated Poppy has cute ideas for a globe themed adoption shower that could be used for any international adoption.

This surprise Chinese adoption shower featured on Party Wagon has beautiful decorations and all sorts of special details.

Globes and paper airplanes are the theme of this shower which would be perfect for any international adoption.

Even a simple idea like these Africa shaped cookies adds a special touch to an adoption shower.

I love the fingerprint tree in this adoption shower for an older child, indicating everyone’s support and love.

Hostess with the Mostess shares a Precious Cargo Vintage Travel shower that is just adorable!

Sweet Designs has a travel inspired party with just the most delicious little details.

This Ethiopian adoption shower has the most amazing cake and some very clever and meaningful ideas.

Joel and Kitty share about their amazing adoption baby shower before their daughter arrived.

Invitations:

Tiny Prints offers several styles of Adoption Shower invitations.

They also offer adoption announcements.

Adoption Shower gift ideas:

Books are my favourite gift for new babies, birthdays, graduations and holidays. Books make a perfect for an adoption shower.

You could choose one of the many great children’s books available about adoption or choose a book for the new parents such as The Connected Child: Bringing Hope and Healing to your Adoptive Family (especially good for a toddler or older child adoption) or Loved by Choice (my favourite treasury of heartwarming adoption stories).

Personalized gifts such as this Chosen Heart Adoption Frame, an adoption Christmas ornament, a quilt or blanket, or a special wall hanging or work of art.

I love this “Missing Piece” adoption ornament.

Cafepress and Etsy are both great places to find personalized gifts such as jewelry, handmade items, artwork and clothing.

Another thing that is nice to consider is a donation to the orphanage the child came from or to a clean water project in the community they were born if it is an international adoption.

The family may request donations be made to an adoption grant organization. There are also ways to give a gift and contribute to an adoption fundraiser as there are many families selling items to fundraise for their adoptions.

Adoption Gift Ideas:

Missing Piece Adoption Christmas OrnamentMissing Piece Adoption Christmas OrnamentMissing Piece Adoption Christmas OrnamentAlways an Angel Adoption Chosen Child OrnamentAlways an Angel Adoption Chosen Child OrnamentAlways an Angel Adoption Chosen Child OrnamentForever Family Porcelain OrnamentForever Family Porcelain OrnamentForever Family Porcelain OrnamentOur First Christmas as a Family OrnamentOur First Christmas as a Family OrnamentOur First Christmas as a Family OrnamentAdoption Swarovski OrnamentAdoption Swarovski OrnamentAdoption Swarovski OrnamentLove You to the Moon Celebrate Adoption OrnamentLove You to the Moon Celebrate Adoption OrnamentLove You to the Moon Celebrate Adoption OrnamentAdoption Christmas OrnamentAdoption Christmas OrnamentAdoption Christmas OrnamentAdoption Triad Heart Symbol Many Hearts One FamilyAdoption Triad Heart Symbol Many Hearts One FamilyAdoption Triad Heart Symbol Many Hearts One FamilyBorn In Our Hearts (Adoption) Keepsake OrnamentBorn In Our Hearts (Adoption) Keepsake OrnamentBorn In Our Hearts (Adoption) Keepsake OrnamentSelf-Care for Foster and Adoptive FamiliesSelf-Care for Foster and Adoptive FamiliesSelf-Care for Foster and Adoptive FamiliesThe Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive FamilyThe Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive FamilyThe Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive FamilyLoved By Choice: True Stories That Celebrate AdoptionLoved By Choice: True Stories That Celebrate AdoptionLoved By Choice: True Stories That Celebrate AdoptionHappy Adoption Day!Happy Adoption Day!Happy Adoption Day!Tell Me Again About the Night I Was BornTell Me Again About the Night I Was BornTell Me Again About the Night I Was BornWe Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and FamiliesWe Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and FamiliesWe Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and FamiliesWillow Tree hand-painted sculpted figure, Our GiftWillow Tree hand-painted sculpted figure, Our GiftWillow Tree hand-painted sculpted figure, Our GiftWillow Tree hand-painted sculpted figure, Child of my HeartWillow Tree hand-painted sculpted figure, Child of my HeartWillow Tree hand-painted sculpted figure, Child of my HeartAdoption Gotcha Gift Pillow for New BabyAdoption Gotcha Gift Pillow for New BabyAdoption Gotcha Gift Pillow for New BabyAdoption Gift - Personalized Wooden Block Child Keepsake Gift Custom EngravedAdoption Gift – Personalized Wooden Block Child Keepsake Gift Custom EngravedAdoption Gift - Personalized Wooden Block Child Keepsake Gift Custom EngravedEvery Family Has a Story, Welcome to Ours Vintage KeychainEvery Family Has a Story, Welcome to Ours Vintage KeychainEvery Family Has a Story, Welcome to Ours Vintage KeychainAdoption Gift Born In My Heart Adoption Bracelet For Adoptive Mom Foster MomAdoption Gift Born In My Heart Adoption Bracelet For Adoptive Mom Foster MomAdoption Gift Born In My Heart Adoption Bracelet For Adoptive Mom Foster MomAdoption necklaceAdoption necklaceAdoption necklaceAdoption Triad Symbol Pendant Necklace for Adoptive MomAdoption Triad Symbol Pendant Necklace for Adoptive MomAdoption Triad Symbol Pendant Necklace for Adoptive MomAdoption Frame, PersonalizedAdoption Frame, PersonalizedAdoption Frame, Personalized

Additional ideas:

It is always a nice tribute to the child if you can incorporate their country or culture in some way in the celebration whether that be in the food you choose to serve, the music you play, the decorations or colour scheme, or the gifts.

There are situations where it is also appropriate to honour the child’s first family in some way at the shower as well. It is best to ask the adoptive parents if they would like the invite members of their child’s first family to attend.

Write advice or well wishes on puzzle pieces for a You’re the Missing Piece themed adoption shower.

Have a Casserole Shower where you collect freezer meals to set the family up with suppers for the coming months. This is especially appreciated by families that have more than one child.

However you decide to celebrate the new addition to the family, congratulations!

Filed Under: Adoption

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

By Sharla Kostelyk

One of the questions I hear a lot is “What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?”

I remember sitting in one of my first adoption and foster care classes and having the instructor take out a packet of Post-It notes. She gave one to each of us and asked us to stick it to one surface and then another and then another. What is Reactive Attachment Disorder? #adoption #reactiveattachmentdisorder #radShe encouraged us to stick it on surfaces such as a blanket or clothing where it would pick up lots of gunk or on the floor where it would pick up pieces of dirt as well as sticking it to smooth surfaces such as a table.

Then she pointed out that as we moved our Post-It note from one place to another, it became less sticky, particularly after it was placed somewhere that it picked up a lot of stuff that stayed with it.

She used the analogy of that Post-It note to explain how children have a harder time attaching the more placements they have been in or the more trauma they have experienced.

Just like how the sticky part on the Post-It note didn’t adhere as well with more moves or more gunk, the child would also have a harder time attaching after multiple moves and having picked up some “yuck” along the way.

While it’s not a perfect analogy for RAD, it’s one of the best ones I’ve ever come across.

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Attachment issues fall across a spectrum. Reactive Attachment Disorder is the most extreme in that spectrum. Children with RAD feel unsafe attaching to a primary caregiver or parent.

These children were unable to form a healthy attachment due to neglect, early childhood trauma, insecure or disorganized attachment style in the parent, multiple placement such as foster care or multiple caregivers such as in an orphanage, or abuse.

Reactive Attachment Disorders and other attachment disorders take place when a child has been unable to form a consistent connection with a parent or primary caregiver.

If a young child feels that their basic survival needs are not met, they perceive that they cannot depend on others.

The child feels threatened by attachment and that people who are supposed to love you are not to be trusted.

If you suspect that your child or a child you know may have Reactive Attachment Disorder, you can read how to recognize the signs of it here. Of course, that is just a stepping off point. You will need to consult with a professional in order to get an official diagnosis. Recognizing the Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder

Risk Factors for Developing RAD:

  • neglect
  • loss of a parent at a young age
  • early and lengthy hospitalization due to prematurity or health concerns
  • severe postpartum depression in their mother
  • living in an orphanage or institutional care
  • bouncing around from one home/foster home to another
  • physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
  • early childhood trauma

Regardless of what the cause of Reactive Attachment Disorder is, it requires treatment and the development of trust within a nurturing relationship in order to heal.

You may also want to read:

Is there Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder? deep levels of healing Karyn Purvis quote

Books for Reactive Attachment Disorder 

Filed Under: Adoption, Special Needs Parenting

Adopting Older Children Internationally – What I Wish I Had Known

By Sharla Kostelyk

Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking about our time in Ethiopia when we went to pick up our son, who was 7 at the time, and our daughter, who was 4 at the time. Adopting Older Children Internationally (what I wish I had known) #adoption #internationaladoption #olderchildadoption #childadoptionIn a lot of ways, things did not go very well. Do you see the truth behind the picture above? Look closely into our overtired, overwhelmed faces.

Our adoption agency had gone bankrupt, so we were traveling four months sooner than we had planned and were not prepared emotionally, financially, or in a practical sense.

Due to the circumstances, my husband Mark was there for a week before I arrived and he had a really hard time communicating with the kids, leaving all three of them feeling frustrated.

I was able to pick up Amharic (the language they spoke) much easier than Mark was. Although that did help, I still did not know enough of the language to be able to really put the kids’ fears at ease.

The kids were, in general, traumatized and terrified. Our time in Ethiopia was, in all honesty, a bit of a nightmare. Reflecting on it now that things are settled and I am not in an emotional or exhausted state of mind, I am able to see what I wish we had done differently or had known at the time that would have helped us.

I hope that by sharing what I wish I had known when we adopted older children, others can have an easier transition than we did.

1. It gets better! The road has not been an easy one. There have been a lot of ups and downs. It took a lot of work, but it also just took time. I wish I would have been able to know with certainty that things were going to get better because I lost sleep, tears, and worry at the time, wondering if life was always now going to be hard.It took a long time for things to get better for us. I hope I don’t scare you by saying that they got a lot worse before they got better. (see #5!) Healing is possible.

2. Their initial behaviour is not a reflection of your parenting. This one may seem obvious to others. Of course if you have only met the child the day before for the first time, their behaviour has nothing to do with you or your parenting skills, but at the time, I felt like I must be the worst parent in the world.

When we would go out in public and they would tantrum, I would feel like people were judging me. When we were alone in the hotel room and they were having tantrums, I was judging me!

In retrospect, they were two scared little kids who did not speak the same language as me and were going through a traumatic time. I was a complete stranger and their behaviour or sadness had nothing to do with my parenting skills or lack thereof.  I wish I had been able to relax and not take it so personally.

3. Take Time to Breathe. We were so sleep deprived before even arriving in Ethiopia. Add to that the time change and the stress, and our brains just were not working at their full capacity! Looking back now, I am able to see simple solutions for things that at the time, seemed like major problems.

As an example, our kids usually only wanted to eat doro wat (which is like a chicken stew). Traditionally, it is served with a hard boiled egg. Our kids would fight and tantrum over who got the one egg. They didn’t want us to cut it in half. They didn’t want to take turns. They would not share it. Every time, this egg was a huge issue.

Now that I can think clearly, I realize that we should have ordered it with an extra egg – such an obvious solution, but one that did not occur to us the entire time!

Of course, eventually you want your kids to learn about turn taking and sharing, but the most tumultuous time in their lives is probably not the time to start insisting on that! My suggestion would be to take a step back and take a deep breath and consider simple solutions. I can think of about ten other examples of this same type of thing during those weeks where we were so stressed out that we were not thinking clearly.

4. Don’t count on anything. Many families travel to pick up older children and find that their children are easy and they are able to tour the country and spend time with other adoptive families. This is often the case because most children will have a honeymoon period initially. But there are exceptions and in our case, our kids did not have a honeymoon period while we were in country.

It soon became apparent that our plans to travel around Ethiopia were not going to work out. If you have strong expectations for what your kids are going to be like or for travel or sightseeing that you plan to do when you are there, you will likely be disappointed.

I wish we had gone into it with less expectations and been more easy-going about it. When we finally resigned ourselves to the fact that our kids did better if we just stayed in the room and ate our food in the room and did not go out, things improved dramatically.

5. Reactive Attachment Disorder and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are real. Research Reactive Attachment Disorder, Developmental Trauma Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder prior to your adoption. Nothing you read could ever prepare you for the reality of living it.

I suggest that at minimum, research by reading and take the time to speak candidly to families who have lived it. Even this will not adequately prepare you, but it may help arm you with a toolbox of skills in case you need them.

Preparing ahead could help you recognize the signs earlier as well. If you are able, attend conferences while you wait for the adoption. The conference I would recommend as the best would be the Empowered to Connect Conference.

These books are a good place to start in preparing for adopting an older child.

6. You’ll have to parent differently. Parenting an older internationally adopted child the same way you would a biological child who has been with you since birth won’t work.

You’ll need to use connective parenting strategies. You’ll have to be sensory aware. You’ll have to practise extreme self-care. Incorporate connection activities. Give them an emotional vocabulary. Learn about anxiety in kids. Be trauma aware. Learn calm down tools.

You may become an expert in fight, flight, or freeze. This is not going to be your average parenting rodeo!

7. Let it go!  I had this foolish notion that while we were in Ethiopia, we should have rules for them and consequences so that they could begin to adjust to our house rules (our family isn’t overly strict, but we do have some basic rules). I was convinced that if we were pushovers in Ethiopia, they would walk all over us once we got home.

When I think about that now, about how I gave them time-outs (they were probably completely bewildered because they couldn’t even understand most of what I was saying), my heart just breaks for them. I wish I could go back and just hold them more, play with them more, and let everything else go.

Who would it have killed if she had worn his flip flops instead of her shoes every day?

So what if they had not brushed their teeth for those two weeks (they ended up having over $4,000 in dental work that needed to be done, so I’m sure that an extra two weeks of not brushing after years of not brushing wouldn’t have made a difference!).

My advice to others would be just to relax and get used to each other slowly during the trip. The rules can be introduced once you are home.

8. Try not to predict their personalities. This is a really tough one for people. All we have of our kids are these pictures and so we have spent hours analyzing the pictures and poring over every detail, including their facial expressions. From that, we naturally make assumptions about their personalities and then when we meet them, if they do not match what we expected, it can be a difficult shift.

In our daughter’s referral and update pictures, we thought she looked so sad, heartbroken actually. Now that we know her, one of those looks is kind of a sad look, but more of an “I didn’t get my way” kind of sad, and the other, a mischievous look!

From our son’s pictures, we pegged him as being outgoing and fun and happy. It turns out that though he is friendly and very likeable, there was a lot of sadness hiding behind that smile and underneath those bright eyes, was a traumatized boy who needed help to work through his feelings and his past.

9. You cannot do it alone.The first weeks home are much harder than anyone can prepare you for. Even if your child is in a honeymoon phase or just an easy child, it is a huge transition for the whole family.

You will have jetlag and even possibly be ill. If you have other children at home, they will need extra time and attention when you get back, not only to reassure them that they have not been replaced, but they will have missed you while you were away.

Many mothers experience post adoption depression, from mild to severe. The language barrier alone is exhausting.

The extra laundry, extra cooking, extra thinking, extra emotion, extra stress, and the extra appointments as you sort through parasites, fungus, and perhaps even therapy for your child create a life much busier than the one you had before.

ASK FOR HELP! Better yet, set it up before you leave, while you are still able to think straight enough, while you have time to make the phone calls. Arrange for people to bring meals, do laundry, clean your house, or take your other kids out for outings.

10. Attachment and bonding are possible. With our previous adoptions, we had gotten our kids as newborns or babies, so I did not expect that I would be able to attach as much to older children. I knew that over time, they would feel like my kids, but I thought that it would take a long time.

Secretly, I worried that maybe I would never be able to love them with the fierceness and passion that I love my other kids.

I wish I had known then what I know now…that sometimes just thinking about or talking about these two can bring me to tears, that the first time I went away without them, I missed them with a hollowness that is difficult to describe, that they are a part of me.

I wish I had known that even with kids who were seven and four the first time I held their hands in mine, I would be forever changed by their love.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Is there Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder? Is there hope for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder? #adoption #parenting #RAD #reactiveattachmentdisorder

Books for Those Adopting an Older Child 

Filed Under: Adoption

12 Activities to Promote Eye Contact

By Sharla Kostelyk

For many kids, making eye contact comes fairly naturally. For kids who are on the autism spectrum or for kids who lacked nurturing in the early years or have experienced early childhood trauma, eye contact is far from natural. Some kids find it uncomfortable while others can find it downright painful. If your child struggles with eye contact due to RAD, autism, SPD, or FASD, there are some simple activities you can do that help promote eye contact in a non-threatening way.

I want to share one comment before I get started with the activity ideas. It’s important not to say “look me in the eye” during these activities. You are looking to foster natural connection and get your child comfortable with eye contact.

You are wanting to get your child used to eye contact and build up their tolerance for it. It is important not to increase their anxiety or make them feel like they are in trouble for not complying.

I remember well the days when making eye contact was painful for one of our sons. It was hard to watch. It’s so much easier for him now, but it will likely never be as easy as it is for most people.

But there has been tremendous process. I really believe that much of that progress was due to us repetitively doing many of these activities.

Activities to promote eye contact:

Face painting – This is my favourite one. It is so subtle. While painting your child’s face, you will create natural proximity and be looking into each other’s faces. Try having them paint yours (that takes courage, but mama, I believe in you)! Be sure to use washable face paint.

Silliness – Make funny faces or use silly getups such as clown noses, glasses with funny noses attached, or stick-on moustaches. silly glasses collageThose pictures above are from a Family Fun Night we had. You better believe there was a lot of eye contact practise happening that night even if the kids had no idea there was a purpose beyond laughter! 

Stickers – Put stickers or googly eyes on your face. Gradually put them closer to your eyes.

Peek-a-boo – Even with older kids, this game works. With older kids, you’ll have to infuse more silliness to get them to play along. Another way is to teach them to play peek-a-boo with a baby. Ask them to entertain a baby this way and they will be rewarded by smiles and squeals from the baby.

Push them on a swing – Stand in front of them while pushing them on a swing. This encourages eye contact and is great vestibular sensory input.

Secret handshake – Inventing a secret handshake with your child fosters connection and family identity. It also encourages eye contact. Major bonus points if your secret handshake ends with your foreheads touching!

Butterfly kisses and Smurf kisses – Butterfly kisses are when you touch your eyelashes together and blink quickly like butterfly wings flapping. Smurf kisses are when you rub noses. These will obviously be too vulnerable for kids who are at heightened stages of their attachment journey (?).

Board games – Connect 4 is the best one for this if you sit on opposite sides of the board. Because of the level of the board, accidental eye contact is inevitable!

Bubble gum – This is a trick I learned from the late great Karyn Purvis. Bubble gum is good sensory feedback both for proprioception and gustatory (taste). Keep hoards of bubble gum in your child’s favourite flavour. To get a piece of gum, all they have to do is ask “may I please have some gum?” with some degree of eye contact and the answer is always “yes”.

Count freckles – If your child has freckles on their face, count them and assign names to them. Or have them count and name yours. There’s bound to be some eye contact here and there.

Have a staring contest – For kids who are older or further along in their eye contact progress, a staring contest can increase their tolerance for it in a fun way. Don’t attempt with kids who are

Play an eye signal game – Have your child stand a few feet in front of you (or closer if they’ll allow). Signal to them with only your eyes to move to the side (by looking to that side), the other side, stepping back (eyes up), or taking a step forward (one blink).

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Filed Under: Adoption, Special Needs Parenting

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