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Special Needs Parenting

It’s Not About the Spoons!

big spoon and little spoon

By Sharla Kostelyk

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 I had managed to hold it together through the past year. Or at least that’s what I was letting myself and those around me believe.

I held it together when the pandemic hit right as our youngest daughter was beginning to make progress in her mental health treatment program and the program was shut down and she lost all the progress she had made and regressed even further.

I held it together when a rotator cuff injury made everyday tasks hard for me to complete. I found work-arounds and smiled through the pain, unable to even sleep most nights. 

I held it together when the phone call came from the genetic clinic that our youngest daughter’s hearing loss would progress to the point of complete deafness. They had found two genetic markers, one would have been akin to a lightning strike. Two? Unheard of. But she had them both.

I could only sigh. Of course she did. 

I held it together when my husband needed surgery for a cyst that had eaten through most of his jaw bone on one side. I held my breath waiting for the results of the biopsy and was thankful when it was not cancer, but couldn’t take a minute to enjoy the moment because my kids were hurting and needed me.

I held it together when one of our teens went off the rails and for months, I walked around with that horrible pit in my stomach, worried for their life, never able to relax, and constantly wondering if there had been something I could have done to have prevented it. 

I held it together when I held my babies as they cried over the racism they have experienced and shared how affected they were by everything in the news. 

I held it together when in August, our middle daughter inexplicably was suddenly stricken with severe motor and verbal tics that took over her body and her life. I had to. I had to be the one to advocate and fight for her.

I had to be the one to fix it. She needed me.

For months I took her to specialists and doctors and naturopaths and chiropractors and hospitals. Spent hours after she was finally asleep each day researching. Day after day of holding her as she cried while her body was wracked with violent tics every single second. I begged for answers, for treatment, for something. 

They ran test after test and we were still without answers and then finally, after I insisted they try a treatment for what I suspected it was… a diagnosis.

PANS, pediatric acute onset neuropsychiatric syndrome. In simple terms, an infection had caused her immune system to begin attacking her brain. 

Treatments began. Symptoms faded and I thought that maybe I could breathe. I felt hope for the first time in months. And then another infection sent all the symptoms into hyperdrive and it felt like we were back where we started from. 

More appointments, more treatments, more medications, more research.

But while all that was going on, I still had so many other kids who needed me, who had crises or needs of their own. 

And I pushed through.

I felt the waves of grief coming and I ignored them.

I didn’t have time for that.

I was busy mama bearing 🐻  for my daughters. Advocating for my youngest daughter to have her learning needs met and her mental health needs met, advocating at the school for my son’s learning disabilities and his needs, advocating for my oldest daughter’s health (by this time, she had been taken one Saturday by ambulance from her work to the hospital for fainting spells and we were searching for answers for that as it kept happening).

I think you can see where this is going to end up. 

I tell others how important self-care is, but I didn’t feel that I had time or enough energy left to do what I needed for me. What I needed was an actual break, like a break for my brain where no new crises came in and no one needed me. And I couldn’t seem to make that happen.big spoon and little spoon

So I lost it about spoons. 

You see, there was no one to get angry at about the unfairness of our daughter’s tics. No one to yell at about our other daughter going deaf or our other daughter losing her hair and having health issues. Who could I blame for the pandemic that had made all these things worse by our isolation?

So it was the spoons.

I used to have complete sets of cutlery, but over the years, my small spoons kept disappearing. I suspect it was kids and a certain husband who took them to school or field trips or work in their lunches and didn’t return them. Whatever the cause, I had plenty of large spoons, but my small spoons dwindled down further and further until there was only one left. 

One day, I decided that I really wanted small spoons to stir my tea and I treated myself to ordering new ones. I ordered 10 small spoons. To “earn” them, I had set myself a goal to achieve at work and once I had pushed forward and accomplished that, I rewarded myself by ordering my spoons.

They arrived in the mail a few weeks later and I eagerly opened the box and was greeted with 10 large spoons. 

I was so frustrated and disappointed. 

I emailed the company right away and they didn’t reply. The next day, I emailed their customer service department again and crickets. So I called them and was sent to an answering machine. I left a message. Nothing.

I sent another email. No reply.

By now, I had convinced myself that no reputable company nowadays is really that bad at customer service so perhaps I had ordered the wrong spoons. My logic said that “dessert spoons” are the small ones and that’s what I ordered, but maybe I had it wrong. 

So I somehow thought it would be a good idea to order the other spoons, the “dinner spoons” since if the dessert spoons were large, that must mean the dinner ones would be small. 

And not finding anywhere else that sold those same spoons, I ordered from the same company (you know, the one with the terrible customer service). 

I know that you might be shaking your head. But keep in mind that I have been sleep deprived for months and my brain is no longer firing on full cylinders.

A few weeks later, I opened the box that arrived and peered inside only to find 10 more of the identical spoons they had sent the time before. 

I now have 36 large spoons and 1 small spoon. 

According to their website, I will have to pay the shipping if I want to return them (even though they obviously made a mistake and shipped me the wrong spoons). I have now paid twice for spoons I already had and didn’t need more of. 

I still cannot stir my tea with a lovely small spoon. 

And this. This spoon thing is the thing that has made it so that I am no longer holding it together.

In the past day, I have cried, screamed, and not gotten out of my pyjamas. I have eaten chocolate and cried some more. Over spoons. 

Why am I sharing this with you?

Because I think this is something that moms of special needs kids sometimes do. We push ourselves and we do all the things we need to do until we just can’t do it anymore.

And that thing that sends us over the edge? It’s never the diagnosis or the bills or the medications or the work or the appointments. It’s some small thing that is seemingly nothing. 

I think in this case, the company not responding to me and not giving me back my money represents the unfairness and injustice I have felt this past year. 

The spoons themselves represent something I want (health for my children) that no matter how hard I try, I cannot have and cannot find a way to get. 

And so, I’m going to sit here and cry over the spoons. I may even in a moment I’ll likely regret later, call the company out on Twitter. I’m still debating that. I’m going to send them one last email before I resort to publicly saying their name.

Because it’s not really about the spoons. 

When we special needs parents have our breaking point about something seemingly insignificant, it’s about all the other things, the real things, the things we can’t actually break down about.

If you’re the parent of a child who’s struggling, maybe you can relate to being able to hold it together for all the hard things and then breaking down over seemingly nothing. 

I know I’m supposed to end this with some words of wisdom that can encourage you and tell you where to go from here, but I’m going to be honest. I’m still in it.

I’m still standing in the muck right now, so the best I can give you is that if you are standing in the muck too, you’re not alone. I’m knee deep in it with you.

You might find these helpful:

The Waves of Grief in Special Needs Parenting

Parenting Myth: You are Only as Happy as Your Saddest Child

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Filed Under: Special Needs Parenting

Sensory Tools to Help Your Child

By Sharla Kostelyk

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When it comes to sensory processing and even emotional regulation, the right sensory tools can make all the difference. blonde boy upside down on top image, mother and daughter reading together on bottom image. Text "Sensory Tools for your child"

Sensory Tools to Help Your Child:

Weighted Blankets

Weighted blankets serve many purposes. Here are some of the potential benefits for adults and children:

  • firm, gentle pressure provides proprioceptive sensory feedback
  • eases insomnia
  • produces a calming effect for some who have sensory processing disorder
  • lowers stress
  • reduces anxiety
  • improves focus in those with ADHD
  • better overall quality of sleep
  • helps with emotional regulation and mood
  • can be used for other physical and mental health concerns such as restless leg syndrome, PTSD, autism, OCD, and fibromyalgia

A good night’s sleep is so important for us to function the next day, not to mention our overall physical and mental health. Using a weighted blanket can help you fall asleep faster, sleep longer, and wake up feeling more rested.

Weighted blankets are scientifically proven to lower blood pressure and reduce anxiety. 

It accomplishes all of these impressive things through something called deep touch pressure stimulation therapy. smiling boy in bed on colourful sheets under a blue blanket

What is deep touch pressure stimulation therapy?

Deep touch pressure stimulation therapy is firm but gentle pressure applied through squeezing, hugs, or holding techniques that relax the nervous system. This produces a calming, soothing effect that can lower anxiety.

This pressure can be applied with an actual hug or through the hands such as a massage or through tools or products such as weighted blankets, neck wraps, compression sheets, or specialized clothing. 

Deep touch pressure stimulation increases serotonin and dopamine, the “feel good” neurotransmitters and lowers cortisol, the stress hormone.  

The pressure of a weighted blanket in some ways recreates the feeling of a hug. Now more than ever, that is so needed. This can be so reassuring for kids who may feel anxious at night without their parent. 

When it comes to weighted sensory tools, it’s important that you get the right weight. Weighted blankets should not be used with infants and toddlers or those with certain health conditions. Consult your doctor before beginning to use a weighted blanket for yourself or your child.

Compression Sheets

Compression sheets work in much the same way as weighted blankets do. They provide firm, constant pressure in a gentle way. 

They also offer essentially the same benefits because they provide deep touch pressure stimulation.

It’s a bit like swaddling a baby. Of course, it isn’t safe to use these sheets with infants or toddlers. You want to ensure that your child can safely crawl out of the sheet themselves. 

 While the obvious benefits are improved sleep, lowered anxiety, and sensory needs being met, these can also be used during the day to calm your child if you sense that a sensory meltdown is coming on.

The Huggaroo Pouch compression sheet fits your child’s bed like a sock, open on both top and bottom but snug around. It’s smooth and stretchy, offering tactile and proprioceptive sensory feedback. boy in bed under a stretchy blue sheet with a teddy bearIt’s a great alternative to a weighted blanket for those that don’t want the heavy weight or heat of a weighted blanket.

Neck Wraps

The benefits of weighted neck wraps are again similar to those of weighted blankets. One of the nice things about neck wraps is that they are more portable, and can therefore be used at home, in school, or in other settings.

Some of my kids with sensory processing disorder have found that neck wraps help them when they need focus and concentration such as when they are writing an exam. a boy clutches a blue blanket while wearing a blue neck wrapWeighted neck wraps can be particularly beneficial for those with sensory processing disorder, autism, or ADHD. They can help reduce excessive movement and provide more focus and calming. 

I like the Huggaroo Weighted Neck Wraps. They are microwavable so they can be warmed. The combination of the proprioceptive pressure and the warmth is particularly soothing.

These are available in unscented or a subtle lavender scent which adds to the calming effect.  

You can also set them in your child’s lap so they can double as a lap pad!

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Filed Under: Sensory, Special Needs Parenting

Mask Wearing Tips for Kids with Sensory Issues

small teddy bear wearing a mask sitting on a large chair

By Sharla Kostelyk

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Wearing face masks is becoming mandatory in many public spaces as well as many schools around the world. While for some, this is a minor inconvenience, for those with breathing difficulty, hearing loss, or sensory issues, it is much more of a challenge. Below, you will find a comprehensive guide of mask wearing tips for kids with sensory issues.a teddy bear sits on a white chair wearing a face mask. Text reads "Mask Wearing Tips for kids with Sensory Issues"Important note: I know that there continues to be debate over mask wearing. Regardless of how you personally feel about masks, the fact remains that more and more regulations are being put in place requiring the use of masks. This article is not meant to debate the effectiveness of face masks or whether or not they should be mandated. It is meant to address the practicalities of having children wear masks, particularly children who struggle with sensory issues and may therefore find it more difficult. 

The Challenges of Wearing a Mask for Kids with Sensory Issues:

  • Texture or scratchiness of the fabric
  • Sensation or tightness against the face
  • Smell inside the mask
  • Heat and dampness inside the mask
  • Pulling or tugging on the ears or at the back of the head
  • Breathing out through the mouth can cause more dampness and the smell of recycled air.
  • Breathing in and out through the nose can feel restrictive.
  • Kids who struggle with oral sensitivities may suck on their mask, creating a wet patch. Experts say this renders the mask essentially useless.
  • Difficulty reading facial expressions on others who are wearing masks, particularly for kids who have poor visual perception skills.

You’ll want to play detective by observing and asking questions to determine what specific challenges your child is having with wearing a mask or keeping it on. This information will help you be able to address those issues and find solutions. 

Tips to help kids with face masks:

Be a role model.

Wear a mask yourself and do so without complaining to your child about how much you dislike it. Our kids are watching what we do more than listening to what we say. Regardless of how you feel about mask wearing, if you know it will be required, make the best of it yourself. This will speak volumes to your child. 

Practise, practise, practise.

Before going into a situation such as a public place or school where a mask has to be worn, allow your child to practise at home. Start with short bursts of time and increase the time gradually. 

Practise with the mask when the child has a distraction such as when they are watching a movie or playing on a tablet. Some children also find it easier to practise outside as they feel less restricted and there may be less other sensory stimuli to contend with. 

Plan low risk outings as practise where you can leave if need be and where there is not a lot of other competing stimuli. 

Reduce other sensory stimuli.

Remember that no matter what mask your child wears, it will be more sensory input. Sensory overload will happen more quickly due to mask wearing. Sensory overload may lead to sensory meltdowns. You may also want to read more on preventing sensory meltdowns from sensory overload.

You can cut back on sensory overload by reducing some of the other stimuli in your child’s environment. You may also want to talk to their teacher about reducing some of the distractions in the classroom as well. 

While reducing outside sensory stimuli is helpful, you’ll also want to ensure that your child also receives enough healthy sensory input during the day. Of particular importance is getting proprioceptive input. This helps with calming and self regulation. Using a calm down kit can be beneficial for children.

Ask for their input.

Allow your child to have a say in the fabric, print, and fit of their mask. Choosing a fun print on the fabric can help kids express their unique personality. If your child is old enough, you can even let them help make their own mask. There are many patterns for no-sew masks available online. Being part of the creation can make them feel more a part of this process. 

Be sure to also listen to their feedback about what struggles they may be having with keeping the mask on to give you clues as to how best to help them adjust. You may be surprised by what you learn. This can help tremendously in coming up with solutions.

When kids feel like they have a say in choosing their mask, they are able to feel as if they are at least able to control something in a world that can feel pretty out of control. 

Offer breath mints or gum.

Breath mints, hard candies, or gum help with the smell inside the mask. Gum can also give them oral sensory feedback and proprioceptive feedback which may help prevent them from licking or sucking on the inside of their mask.

Of course, hard candies or mints can be a choking hazard, so only use this tip with older kids and those who don’t have risk factors for choking. small teddy bear wearing a mask sitting on a large chair

Give those ears a rest!

Having a mask looped around the ears can cause discomfort for anyone and that discomfort is multiplied for those with sensory issues. Ear savers allow a mask to be attached behind the head instead of around the ears.

Provide ear savers, a headband with buttons for the mask to loop around, caps with buttons or snaps for the mask to attach to, or a mask that fits around the head rather than around the ears to alleviate the tugging on the ears. 

Clear your nose.

Prior to putting on a mask, have your child clear their nose well. This can be achieved by using a Neti Pot (if they can tolerate it) or steam from the shower. Doing this will help your child feel that they can breathe easier with the mask on. 

Mask brackets for the win! 

Mask brackets are a brace that fits snugly inside your existing mask. They prevent the gagging feeling some people feel when the fabric touches their face. It also helps the nose tickling that many kids complain about. For younger children, be sure to buy a children’s size. 

Play.

Help kids get used to the idea of face masks through play. Purchase or make a matching mask for your child’s doll or stuffed animal. This can help direct their play and they can even begin to work through some of their emotions as they role play different situations for themselves and their toy in regards to wearing a mask. child wearing a blue face mask putting a matching mask on a teddy bearInvite your child to draw pictures of themselves and their family or friends wearing masks. This can help them express some of the emotions they may have about this “new normal”. 

This poster shows some beloved children’s characters wearing masks. 

Completing a mask colouring book is another hands-on activity that can promote discussion. This free I Can Wear a Mask Easy Reader booklet is another good resource to use.

Keep hands busy.

One way to help kids resist the urge to remove their mask is to give them something else to do with their hands. Provide fidgets to keep their hands busy and to get their sensory needs met.

Explain the reason behind wearing a mask.

There are some resources that can help you talk to your child about why we’re wearing masks. We Wear Masks is a video social story that explains things very simply for younger kids. Note that the video does mention not being in school and that may no longer apply in your area.

This Face Mask Social Story is a really good way to explain things to kids and address some of their related worries.

Listen and empathize.

Even if you do everything in your power to make this easier, this big change will likely cause a mix of emotions. It is going to take a lot of adjustment for kids. Be there for them. 

Be sure they know that they can share their feelings about these new rules. Acknowledge how hard this must be for them. Do not minimize their emotions. While this is something they may have to get used to doing, that doesn’t mean it will be easy and it’s okay for them to express that to you.

Create a safe place for them to say “this is hard. I feel frustrated.” mom comforting her son while he's wearing a face mask

Choosing a mask:

Invite your child to be part of the decision about the type of mask they are most comfortable with.

Find a fit and fabric that your child can tolerate. Ensuring a comfortable fit will reduce the amount your child fidgets with their mask. It should fit over the mouth and nose and secure under the child’s chin. It should allow your child to breathe easily while worn. 

Mask Types:

Reusable Fabric Masks

Choose a fabric that is most comfortable for your child. Soft cotton may be the most comfortable fabric for most, but some kids may prefer seersucker, satin, or synthetic fabric. Some parents add a softer layer as a liner as this will be what touches the skin.

Allow your child to pick a fun pattern as this can help them get more excited about wearing the mask.

Some fabric masks allow you to add a filter. For one of our daughters, the flap inside for the filter insert was driving her crazy, so we sewed that flap shut. 

Disposable or Surgical Masks

Some people find that the disposable masks allow more air flow while others find them more restrictive than cloth. This is something you will have to experiment with to see what your child prefers. 

I find personally that the 3 ply surgical style masks get less hot inside than the fabric ones. However, in winter, the warmth of a cloth mask may prove quite welcome!

Masks with a Built-in Filter

Masks with a built-in filter tend to be made of a heavier material and be a bit bulkier. They may, therefore cause more distress for kids with sensory issues. If you choose to go this route, be sure your child has rest periods where they can remove the mask for a time. 

Clear Masks

One of our daughters is deaf and relies on lip reading to “hear”. As you can imagine, mask wearing, particularly by her teachers, therapists, and family members has made her life much more difficult, so we have instead used different versions of clear masks. 

Cloth masks can be sewn with a clear window using clear shower curtains or clear page protectors. My neighbour and friend sewed some for me using this clear mask pattern. 

You can also purchase clear masks or the type that are cloth with a clear window.

To keep the clear window from fogging up:

  1. Add some Dawn dish soap or shaving cream.
  2. Spread all over the window.
  3. Allow it to sit for a time.
  4. Rinse off and dry.

Face Shields 

If masks are required at your child’s school, be sure to ask about the allowability of face shields as an alternative. Our school district will only allow face shields if a mask is worn underneath. 

If your school will allow them, face shields are proven to be the easiest for those who are hard of hearing to be able to both hear and lip read and some kids find them much less restrictive than masks. You can purchase face shields in children’s sizes or adult face shields.

Neck Gaiters or Buffs and Bandanas

While many school districts do not allow the use of bandanas or neck gaiters in place of masks, some do. Again, some kids find these easier or at least more familiar to wear while others find them to be worse as they are bothered by the feel of it on their neck. It comes down to your child’s sensory preferences and what works best for them. 

This is a possible alternative option to try if you haven’t been able to find a mask that suits your child’s sensory needs. Mom putting a mask on her young daughter

Mask fit:

The other important consideration is the fit of the mask. Some children prefer a more snug fitting mask, while others like there to be as much space as there can be.

Some masks fit around the ears while others tie or secure behind the head. Ear Savers can make around the ear masks fit more like behind the head masks. 

Mask brackets help eliminate the side gaps and give a better overall fit.  

Safety tips:

Be sure to follow safety guidelines such as not wearing a mask for children under 2, while exercising, while eating or drinking, or when in the water. 

According to the CDC, children under age 2 or anyone who has trouble breathing, is unconscious, incapacitated or otherwise unable to remove the mask without assistance should never use a cloth face covering.

I am not a doctor or medical expert. The tips in this article are designed as suggestions to help you and your child but are not meant to replace medical or expert advise. 

What things have you found helpful when it comes to your child wearing a mask?

Enter your email below to get a free copy of the Pandemic Journal for Kids, printable pages to help them process their emotions and better express themselves. 

You may also be interested in reading:

The Complete Guide to School at Home

Surefire Signs Your Child has Sensory Issues

50 Awesomely Simple Calm Down Strategies

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Filed Under: Sensory, Special Needs Parenting Tagged With: parenting through pandemic

Special Needs Resources

girl in striped purple shirt has her hand raised in class

By Sharla Kostelyk

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Parenting or teaching children with special needs comes with challenges and blessings. Having relevant resources can arm you with the information and tools you need to be able to better meet the needs of your child or students.girl in striped purple shirt sitting at her desk in class has her hand raisedThough I’ve found many excellent resources over the years that have taught me so much and helped me better help and advocate for my children, the thing I’ve found that is the best resource of all is actually parents of other children with special needs.

Those parents have pointed me to specialists, listened to me, shared their experiences with me, walked in my shoes and lived to tell the story, laughed with me, cried with me, and given me hope when I felt there was none. They understand in a way that no one else can. 

While no other resource can offer that, today, I’m excited to share with you some special needs resources that will arm you with more tools to help your child or students.

Great Special Needs Resources:

Basics of Fine Motor Skills 

book cover of a girl in pink shirt playing with playdoughFine motor skills are a key developmental skill. This book explores how gross motor, visual motor, and sensory processing skills affect this development. Learn what red flags to watch for and get activity ideas for all types of fine motor development based on your child’s skill and ability levels. 

This book is a wonderful resource for parents, teachers, and therapists.

Sensory Processing Explained, A Handbook for Parents and Teachers 

In Sensory Processing Explained, discover…

  • easy to understand sensory information that you can share with parents and educators to help explain a child’s behaviour
  • how to explain sensory processing to those who just don’t get it
  • what calming techniques and strategies can work during a sensory meltdown
  • sensory ideas you can easily replicate at home
  • how teachers can accommodate kids with sensory processing challenges
  • strategies and activities that can be used with an entire classroom
  • information on all eight sensory systems and how they can affect behaviours (plus strategies and activities that can help with regulation)
  • just figuring out where to begin if you feel a child could be struggling with sensory processing

Plus get informational printables that make it easy to share about sensory processing with families, clients, or co-workers.

This book will forever change how you view your child’s sensory responses.

More Calm in the Chaos Special Needs Printable Planner 

This printable planner was designed with moms of special needs kids in mind (by a mom of special needs children). It includes everything a regular planner would but also includes what moms like this need:

  • appointment log
  • appointments at a glance
  • mileage and expense tracker
  • medication and supplement list
  • IEP meeting notes
  • sensory triggers log
  • behaviour tracking log
  • and more!

Integrated Movement Warm-Up Activities 

The Integrated Movement Warm Up Activities PDF from Integrated Learning Strategies is an excellent resource for parents, therapists, and teachers. One of the things I especially like is that they include actual photos of the activities in action as well as instructions, making it easy to follow and understand. polka dots in one corner, girl in pink shirt laying on swing, collage of printouts

Creating Connections with Autistic & Hyperlexic Children Using Their Interests and Passions 

If you are parenting a child with autism or hyperlexia, this ebook will inspire you to use your child’s interests and passions as a way to connect with them and teach them new skills. yellow book cover with two overlapping white hearts in the corner

It includes:

  • worksheets that will help you identify your child’s interests and strengths and target skills
  • prompts to help you come up with the connections you’d like to make with your child
  • suggestions on how to adapt different interests to work on skills such as math, sensory, fine motor, and literacy

Having the right resources can make a big difference.

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Filed Under: Special Needs Parenting

Moms, I Need Your Help

By Sharla Kostelyk

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Moms, I need your help. Three of my children are black and they have suffered horrible overt racism. They have also suffered more subtle racism.

I’m sharing this because I NEED you to talk to your kids. I need you to educate your kids. I often wonder if the parents of the kids who have done these things to my kids know what their children have done.

These are just a few things that my black kids have suffered:

  • my son had kids he didn’t even know throw rocks at him and chase him at the bike park while calling him the “n” word
  • my teen son had to move to a different high school after suffering extreme racism. He was daily called the “n” word, for weeks after his Social class watched Amistad, he was called “slave”, and the final straw, when he went to sit down with his ‘friends’ at lunch, he was told “you can’t sit here. We’ve joined the KKK”.
  • when I went to the administration at that school, I was told that my son would “have to get used to that in his life” because he was black.
  • none of the students who admitted to those behaviours received suspensions even though IF my son had hit them, he would have been suspended or possibly expelled.
  • at the new school, that same son has been called “shadow” and “Oreo” (because he has white parents so they joke that he’s black on the outside and white on the inside)
  • treating our black daughter as an adult (she’s 14) for about the last 5 years such as her being given wine menus in restaurants. Research shows that white people see kids of colour, especially girls, as being much older than they are
  • being called the “n” word at the playground even as young children
  • my two black sons were pulled over by police while taking my husband’s car to the car wash. They were ticketed for a rolling stop, but it was a full stop and an excuse to pull over two black teens driving a nice car to check if they stole it. almost $400 ticket for being black.

My daughter wrote a poem and asked me to share it. It breaks my heart that she is afraid that she could die because of the colour of her skin.

My kids are getting older and no longer always have me with them.

This is why I need you. As one mom to another, I’m begging you…

Please, please talk to your kids. But before you do, educate yourselves. Do not use terms like “colourblind”. Do not say “All Lives Matter.” Accept that you have white privilege and let that make you uncomfortable. Listen to the black community and the pain they have suffered and then do your part to make it right.

We can and should do better.

Sharla

P.S. While I have written articles over the years on racism and books for kids about black heroes, instead of sharing those today, I would rather take this opportunity to point you to articles written by those who are black as it is their voices that should be heard above all right now. Here is just a small list to get you started:

  • Dear White Moms: What I Need You to Know
  • Helping Kids Process Violence, Trauma, and Race in a World of Nonstop News (and how to speak openly, honestly, and age-appropriately)
  • Free printables, crafts, and colouring sheets with diverse characters
  • 31 Children’s Books to Support Conversations on Race
  • White Kids: Growing up with Privilege in a Racially Divided America (podcast on What is Black)
  • The White Families’ Guide for Talking about Racism
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Filed Under: Special Needs Parenting

Let’s Talk Childhood Mental Illness

By Sharla Kostelyk

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Childhood mental illness is on the rise. A 2010 study by The National Institute on Mental Health found that one in five youth are affected by at least one type of mental disorder. There is a lot of speculation about why that is. Is it the rise in technology, the decrease in time spent outdoors, reduced face to face interactions, environmental toxins, social media, sleep, or economic downturn? Or is it just that there is more awareness and therefore an increase in diagnosis?girl sits on floor with head down and teddy bear beside her. Text reads "Let's Talk Childhood Mental Illness"

I am not an expert in psychiatry, science, or medicine. Therefore, I am not going to attempt to tackle those questions.

What I am is a parent. A parent whose life has been deeply affected by childhood mental illness.

Two weeks ago, I wrote an article entitled Admitting Your Child to a Mental Health Hospital. The words and experience resonated with other parents. Some even used the article to reach out to their circles for sometimes the first time to share with them what they had been going through.

That article was shared tens of thousands of times.

Since then, the flood of emails and private messages has been overwhelming. I’m honoured that people chose to share their personal stories and emotions with me and I carry them close to my heart. It is for those people and others like them that I am writing this follow-up article.

Some of the stories were so heavy that they were hard to carry. I had to step away from my computer for two days that first week as the weight of it became too much.

Children with anxiety so debilitating they no longer attend school, teens lost to addiction or suicide, parents signing over their rights as the only way to keep their child safe, families torn apart.

I tell you this because I need you to understand that there are so many families walking this road. Their stories are all different and yet, there are choruses that ring the same.

  • They all love their children fiercely.
  • They are weary.
  • Worry keeps them up at night.
  • They fear for how this is affecting their other children.
  • They worry that they are not enough.
  • Their whole family is suffering.
  • They don’t know where to turn or what steps they should take to help their child. This sometimes paralyzes them.
  • There are not enough supports or programs available in their area.
  • Parents carry with them the additional burdens of guilt and shame as they keep the secret of what is really going on in their homes.

Can we rise up and make our voices heard? Mental illness in children is becoming an epidemic.

The demand for qualified professionals and effective treatments is rising faster than it seems the nation can keep up with it. While I can’t solve that, I know that silence is what perpetuates this.

Join me in erasing the stigma of mental illness by sharing your story.

Know that you are not alone. There are so many who are also walking this road.

Let’s talk about childhood mental illness and the effect it’s having on our society, our schools, our young people, and our homes. Just as we would share with friends and family if our child were suffering from a cold or the flu or had been diagnosed with a more serious physical disease such as asthma, we need to be sharing about how our kids are doing from a mental health perspective.

What if you didn’t have to carry this burden alone?

The magical thing about when we share our truth is that it allows others to share theirs.

Last week, when I shared about our decision to admit our daughter to a mental health treatment facility, it gave others the courage to tell their stories too. I’m not suggesting that you need to do as I did and announce it to the world. I’m not even saying that you have to announce it on Facebook.

But what if instead of being isolated and feeling like no one understands, you chose one or two trusted people to share with?

When I was debating whether or not I should write our experience, my friend said to me “Feeling alone is the cancer that fuels this. We worry about judgement, blame, and carry so much guilt. Which isolates us more. Are we perpetuating the stigma against mental health issues by being quiet about it?” So I put my thoughts to paper in the hopes that I could help others share their stories and feel less alone.

I’ll share with you the power of choosing the share your story. In my article about our daughter going to a mental health hospital, I shared this:

This kind of life can be so isolating. There are things that have happened in our home that unless you are also walking this path of mental health disease in your children would shock you. My husband and I have literally said to each other, “who could we ever tell this to?”

Last Sunday night, my husband and I sat around our friends’ kitchen table. We found the answer to the question “who could we ever tell this to?”. Because they had walked this road too. They understood. By the end of the evening, we were even laughing about the fact that none of us would ever have thought we could share our calling 9-1-1 experiences with others!

It felt so good to be around others who “get it”. To be able to be real and not worry about judgment. I want that for you too.

But for us to be able to get to that place, we first had to take a deep breath and say “my child struggles with mental health issues”.

Help me end the stigma. Not just for our kids who are suffering. But for us. I want you to be able to sit around your friend’s kitchen table and be real and raw and still know that you are loved.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

You might also be interested in reading:

Admitting Your Child to a Mental Health Hospital

Childhood Anxiety

What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment DisorderWhat I Wish You Knew About being a parent to a child who has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)

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Filed Under: Special Needs Parenting

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