Special Needs Parenting

Parenting Myth: You’re Only as Happy as Your Saddest Child

We were sitting in my kitchen. Mid-conversation, my friend said something that grabbed me. “You’re only as happy as your saddest child.” I nodded. The statement seemed like it must be true. What mother could be happy if her child wasn’t?

The conversation continued on to other things, but that statement stuck with me. I played it over and over in my head after she left.

Was I destined to always only be as happy as my saddest child? Would my happiness never again be in my control?

What she said had seemed logical at the time. What kind of mother would I be if I could find joy when my child was suffering?

But something about it gnawed at me. It didn’t sit right. At first, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why.

I’m the mom of 7. My kids all have different personalities. Some of them are optimistic and cheerful. Others are moody and see the glass as half empty even on the best of days.

Each of my kids have their own unique gifts and challenges. 5 of my precious kiddos have special needs, which give them additional obstacles to overcome.

Life can be hard enough without losing your hearing at 12 (one of our daughters), losing your first family and moving to a new country with strangers (2 of our kids), losing your hair as a 16 year old girl (another of our daughters) and on and on.

For days after that kitchen conversation, my friend’s words replayed over and over.

At the time, one of our children was especially struggling, so I wondered if I should be as unhappy as he was.

One evening, my husband and I were watching a comedy. I laughed out loud and then felt guilt creeping in. How could I be feeling carefree when one of my kids was in pain?

It took me weeks to sort through all of my thoughts and feelings. And I came to the conclusion that “you’re only as happy as your saddest child” is hogwash!

My happiness is my responsibility. It is not dependent on those around me or even on my circumstances. Of course, it’s easier to feel happy when life is going well.

If all my kids were themselves happy, if they were all making good choices, loving life, surrounded by good friends, not facing hardships that seem unfair and overwhelming, skipping merrily through valleys of unicorns and rainbows, I would feel less worried.

Being less worried would make it easier for me to be happy, but it wouldn’t necessarily guarantee it.

One thought I kept coming back to when I was contemplating this was that if my kids always see an unhappy mom, that will only make them less happy.

One of my jobs as parent is to model positive traits for my children. If I want to teach them that they are responsible for their own happiness, that is something I have to show them.

If I want my kids to be able to find joy in the small blessings despite their circumstances, they are going to need to see a mom who was able to do just that.

Choosing to be unhappy in solidarity with my “saddest child” won’t take their sadness away. In fact, it may compound it. And it places the burden of my happiness onto my child which is too heavy a burden for anyone to carry.

So mama, you are not destined to only be as happy as your saddest child. You are destined to be as happy as you choose to be.

I know that watching your child suffer is painful. It is gut-wrenching. Sometimes the unfairness of it can almost overtake you. But that does not have to rob you of your joy.

When your child sees you finding delight in just being with them, in counting the freckles on their nose, in watching the snow fall together, in snuggling on the couch, in playing a card game, even in the blessing of being able to cry together, they learn to find a bit more joy too.

Your smile is more powerful than your words.

Some days, I get it right. I see the opportunities to infuse joy into my life. I take those and make the best of them.

Other days, I let my circumstances define my mood. I feel held hostage by things out of my control and pity takes up residence in my mind.

I haven’t got this thing all figured out, but I did some math. When considering the amount of kids I have and the challenges they currently face, I also thought about their personalities. Then I factored in future things such as spouses, careers, finances, in-laws, and their own children.

I pretty quickly came to the truth. If I were only as happy as my saddest child, I was never going to be happy again! And that’s not something to strive for.

So mamas, take that burden off. Unpack it, unbuckle it, unzip it, leave it at the door. From now on, choose to be “only as happy as you want to be”.

If you’re looking for strategies and encouragement on the parenting journey, join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

10 Things You Can Do to Make Each Day Easier for Your Sensory Kiddo

By Sharla Kostelyk 1 Comment

Being a child with sensory needs can make even the simplest things like combing your hair or getting dressed feel challenging. Sometimes making small adjustments can make the everyday struggles easier.As a parent, you can feel helpless as you watch your child struggle. Using the strategies below, you can make life easier for your child and cut back on sensory meltdowns and day-to-day battles.

Here are some tips that can help with those everyday battles:

Use a visual schedule. This allows the child to know exactly what to do and what’s coming next. It can ease the pain of transitions and lessen the chance of meltdowns. For some kids, they need the tasks broken up into smaller steps, so look for a visual schedule that breaks things down.
Give warnings for upcoming transitions and allow for extra time so that your child can adjust. Be sure to allot margins in your day to allow for this and to reduce stress on both you and your child.
Offer sensory breaks throughout the day. This gives your child the necessary sensory input. Sensory breaks also make good transition bridges.
Use a Sensory Triggers Log to help you identify your child’s sensory triggers. This will allow you to avoid them or make changes to your child’s environment to accommodate them.
Work on giving your child an emotional vocabulary so that they can express their feelings.
Teach your child calming breathing techniques.
Meet your child’s sensory needs during the day with sensory activities and heavy work opportunities. This will not only help them all day long, it will help them sleep better at night.
Don’t die on the clothing mountain. Let your child wear what’s comfortable to them. Be a sensory detective to discover why certain articles of clothing bother them. This will help you find solutions.
Have your child use a vibrating toothbrush. Not only will this add more sensory input to their day, it will decrease oral sensitivity and eventually lead to less battles over food.
Teach your child about sensory processing and the 8 sensory systems so that they can better identify their needs and voice them to you.

Bonus tip: Carry a pack of Post-It notes with you in your purse so that you can cover the automatic flush sensor on toilets in public bathrooms. No more surprise loud noise for your child to contend with!

I love this list so much because it has some actionable strategies that you can start using right away.

How to Use Visual Schedules with Your Special Needs Child

By Sharla Kostelyk Leave a Comment

Does this sound familiar? You are trying to get your child out the door to school or for an appointment and they can’t seem to accomplish the smallest tasks. They are easily distracted and moving as slow as molasses. You give reminder after reminder, but they seem to go in one ear and out the other. It’s the same scene every morning. You are becoming more and more agitated until finally, you explode. You feel guilty as your child leaves for school once again feeling deflated.

Your child can’t move from one activity to another or one location to another without having a meltdown. You try to remember to give them a “five minute warning”, but sometimes there just isn’t time. Sometimes, even with the warning, they still don’t seem to be able to make the transition.

You find yourself once again dealing with a meltdown.

The teacher calls again. Your child came out of the bathroom at school with their pants down around their ankles. Again. At home, they always forget to flush the toilet or leave the water running after they wash their hands…when they remember to wash their hands at all. You know that your child is doing their best.

You wish you could help them gain more independence.

Why use visual schedules?

Visual schedules carry many benefits, particularly for children who have special needs. Visual schedules:

break down tasks into easy-to-complete steps
simplify
provide structure
create predictability
teach independence
improve focus and attention
help with time management
instill consistency
form healthy habits
reduce cognitive load
maintain daily routines
establish a schedule that works
ease transitions
prevent meltdowns
promote positive choices
decrease problem behaviours
provide helpful reminders

Visual schedules are especially beneficial for children on the autism spectrum, children with FASD, ADHD, sensory issues or SPD, RAD, or other special needs. They can be an invaluable tool. Many parents report that they have been a “game changer” in their household.

I created the Printable Visual Schedule for Special Needs because I couldn’t find a visual schedule that included what I was looking for to use with my own kids. I wanted something that parents could use with visual and written prompts that kids could easily understand. It is in both colour and black and white. The black and white cards are great for having kids colour themselves. This gives them another reenforcement and reminder.

How to use visual schedules:

The best way to use visual schedules to benefit your child depends on your child and on what you are hoping to accomplish.

If your child is experiencing a lot of meltdowns during transition times, you will want to start with cards that help them predict upcoming changes throughout their day to help them predict what’s coming next.

If your child is struggling to get out the door in the morning, you’ll want to start with cementing a morning routine that works for them.

Or if your child is struggling most with breaking things down into smaller tasks, that will be where you want to start.

Create a morning routine chart.

You can do this in many ways. Choose which of the methods below you feel would work best for your child. You can always try multiple methods to find the best fit.

Place velcro dots on a poster board and hang the poster in their bedroom. Attach an open envelope to the bottom of the poster. Place velcro dots on the back of the visual schedule cards and place them on the poster in the order your child should complete their morning routine. As they complete the tasks, they can add the card into the envelope.
Hole punch the cards that your child needs to complete each morning. Place them on a binder ring and give it to your child as a visual reminder they can carry with them as they complete each step.
Affix magnets to the back of the cards. This works best if the cards are laminated. Set up an area on the side of the fridge or on a magnetic white board in the kitchen where your child can see their cues and move them down as they complete each one.
Give your child a folder or binder that contains the cards needed for their morning routine. These can be glued down on a page in the binder with the heading “Morning” or you can add velcro dots to the page and to the backs of the cards and glue an envelope to the inside of the binder for easy storage of the cards.
Hang a ribbon or string in your child’s room. Use clothespins to attach their visual prompts in the order they need to be completed. Provide a small bucket or envelope that your child can put the cards into once they’ve finished each one.

Create a daily schedule.

Make a poster for your child that displays their daily schedule. See the method for making the poster above.
Create a visual representation of your child’s day on the side of the fridge using magnets on the back of the cards.
Make your child a binder separated into Morning, Afternoon and Evening to further simplify things.
Another way of creating a daily schedule is by using a pocket chart. You can add the cards needed for that day at the top of the chart in the order they will happen and store the rest of the cards either at the bottom or in a separate envelope that you can staple near the bottom of the pocket chart.

For some children, the chart can be very general, including only the highlights of the day, whereas for others, you will need to break down each thing into smaller tasks.

I don’t recommend using binder rings for an entire daily schedule as it can be too overwhelming for a child.

Break down tasks.

Some of the cards break tasks down for kids to enable them to complete them step by step. These cards work well in these ways:

Hole punch the cards and attach them to a binder ring. This way, the child can carry it with them. This is particularly good for the bathroom prompts. They can flip through the cards as they complete each step.
Use poster putty or teacher’s tape to attach cards to the bathroom wall or mirror for the bathroom cards and the step by step instructions for hand washing.
Attach the cards to the back of your child’s bedroom door or the wall in the entryway for reminders such as putting on their shoes and coat or taking their lunch.

For school and appointments:

When I created this visual schedule, I purposely left some of the cards such as those for Speech, Occupational Therapist, Therapist, etc. without an image. This was so that the child or parents could add a picture of the building or actual therapist to the card. For some children, especially those with autism, it helps to have things as concrete and specific as possible. Seeing the actual building or person they have an appointment with helps create security and aids in the transition.
Children can use the pocket chart, binder, or binder ring method to use their visual schedule as their prompts while at school.

For a short time only, the Visual Schedule for Special Needs is included in the Sensory Essentials Collection which included many other resources for helping kids thrive.

The Day Her Hair Fell Out – Reflections from the Mom of a Daughter with Alopecia

By Sharla Kostelyk 3 Comments

Mother’s Day is the one day of the year that I kind of expect that I’ll get to sleep in. It doesn’t always work out, but now that the kids are older, I thought that for sure this year it would happen. That morning, I woke up to the sound of “mommy”. There was a catch in her voice, that little signal that as a mom, lets you know that something is wrong.

I sat up. I knew that there would be no sleeping in this Mother’s Day or going back to sleep. My sixteen year old daughter was standing by my bed. She looked uncertain. “Mom, I don’t know what’s happening. I woke up and half of my top eyelashes are just gone.”

I looked at her. Sure enough, from the middle out on both sides, her eyelashes were missing. It was like they had been stolen in the night.

“Alopecia.” The word was immediately in my head. I didn’t dare say it out loud.

This was my daughter who had already overcome so many obstacles in her life, who had faced challenges before she was even born, who had battled lung disease, who had spent years in and out of the hospital, who had watched as her siblings played outside while she had to stay in, who had painful medical procedures and still goes for regular injections. How could this be happening to her?

My brain went into “it’s not fair” mode pretty quickly. I know that it’s just hair, but she’s a teenage girl and that’s hard enough without something that sets you apart. Part of me wanted to scream. I didn’t say any of these things to her.

I told her that everything would be okay. Next, I asked if she had used different mascara recently. I advised her to stop wearing makeup until we could figure out what was happening. An appointment was made with the doctor. But I knew.

Over the next few days, her eyebrows began to thin out. Within a week, she had lost the top and bottom eyelashes on both eyes. It was no surprise when the doctor confirmed what I had suspected. She had Alopecia.

He told us that in some people, they will just lose their eyelashes or eyebrows and not their head hair, so we were hopeful for that.

13 days after that Mother’s Day morning, my daughter was once again standing at my bedside. This time, tears were streaming down her face. She had woken up to a pillow covered in hair. About a third of her hair had fallen out.

She climbed into bed with us and we all cried together. I was rocking her while she cried with her head on my shoulder. When she pulled away, there was a thick patch of hair where her head had been. We all looked at it. I wasn’t sure if I should keep the hair or throw it in the garbage. At first, we started to cry harder until we burst into laughter. There’s no protocol for this one in the parenting books!

I’m so proud of my girl. An hour after we cried in my bedroom, I dropped her off at her swim instructor practicum. Even though she was embarrassed about her lopsided, strange looking hair, she knew she had a commitment to keep.

Here’s where the hard mom stuff comes in though. Part of me wanted to tell her that it was okay to call in sick that day, to stay home, to hide away while she adjusted to the idea. I was hurting for her. I worried that she would encounter stares and harsh words. As a mom, I wanted to protect her from it.

But I knew that it would only get harder if she didn’t face it right away. I knew that I could only help build up her confidence and arm her with what to say if people asked questions. It was an obstacle I couldn’t climb for her, one that I could only help guide her through.

She is, of course beautiful with or without hair, but losing your hair and your eyelashes when you’re sixteen is just plain hard.

We went to a wig shop a few days after she started to lose her hair. The ladies there were all bald as well. It was wonderful for my daughter to be able to talk to others who understood. They were so kind to us.

In the end, she decided to hold off on getting a wig for now, but did get a special hat because we discovered that you get very cold at night when you don’t have hair on your head.

Each day, she lost more hair in clumps. Bald patches began to join each other to form larger bald patches. That Friday, we sat in my kitchen while my dear childhood friend who’s a hairdresser shaved off the small bit of hair remaining. It was emotional. Again, I know it’s just hair. I have close friends who’ve lost their hair from cancer treatments and Alopecia is not life threatening.

I have perspective and my daughter does too. She knows that there are worse things that she could lost. After all, her youngest sister lost her hearing a few years ago. Last year, her best friend lost her mom.

We remind ourselves about these type of things to keep our perspective. We have also allowed for the natural grieving because keeping perspective doesn’t mean that we can’t still acknowledge the hard.

But it’s still hard. There have been lots of hard moments. Her first time being around her friends without a hat. Being on a youth group outing and having to decide if she was brave enough to take her scarf off so she could waterski. Learning to apply eyeliner in a certain way so that no one can tell that she doesn’t have eyelashes. Attending a wedding. Feeling ugly. Wanting to be like the other girls her age.

I’m incredibly proud of how she has handled it. Overall, she has been optimistic and kept a sense of humour. She has been an example to me and to her siblings of courage and grace.

I asked her if she was okay with me sharing this story here on the internet for everyone to see and she agreed immediately. It understandably took her a few extra minutes to agree to having the pictures shared.

She hopes that in sharing what this journey through Alopecia has been like, I might be able to help other moms better support their kids through it.

With that in mind, my daughter asked me to share the things that I did that she found helpful. She wants other moms to know what to do if this happens to their child.

Helpful tips for parents of kids with Alopecia:

give your child the freedom to grieve
give yourself permission to grieve
acknowledge the loss, but offer perspective
help them process and express their emotions
help them with accessories (scarves, special hats, wigs)
push them out of of their comfort zone (through encouragement, not force)
practise with them what to say when people ask questions
use the lessons you learn to help others (serving helps give purpose and perspective)
find others they can talk to who have Alopecia (there’s a local support group near us)
point out others who have Alopecia and are successful (like Kevin Bull on American Ninja Warrior)
research the condition (knowledge is power)
don’t fall for quick fixes and expensive treatments that don’t work

My daughter’s hair grew back, but a few months later, her eyelashes started to fall out again. We know that it will likely be something she battles throughout her life. She had an easier time the second time because she knew that she had new coping skills for facing it again.

If you or your child are facing Alopecia, know that you are not alone. You will get through this.

How Can I Help My Child Control His Emotions?

By Sharla Kostelyk 3 Comments

Although kids aren’t the only ones to struggle with controlling their emotions (as was evident last week when I cried over not being able to find Velcro dots!), they do not have the coping skills and life experience to be able to navigate through big emotions without some guidance. Many parents aren’t sure where to start when it comes to helping their child control their emotions. This will give you a roadmap to help them.

How to Help a Child Control their Emotions:

Provide an emotional vocabulary.

The first step in helping your child learn to manage their own emotions is to teach them to identify their feelings. Give them the language to be able to name their feelings. This is a powerful tool to arm a child with.

The Teaching Emotions Toolkit has everything needed to give kids the vocabulary they need to be able to identify and name their own feelings.

Learning to recognize feelings in others.

Once a child is more fluent in the language of emotions, they can begin to recognize feelings not only in themselves, but in others as well.

If you’re watching a movie or TV show, discuss how the situations may make the characters feel. Do this especially with situations that kids may find themselves in someday such as bullying.

Model talking about your own feelings and your coping strategies.

Name your feelings honestly. Then provide your child some insight into your coping strategies. This will help them to learn how to manage their own emotions.

“I feel disappointed that it’s snowing today so I can’t go for a run like I planned. I guess I’ll have to walk on the treadmill instead.”
“I am frustrated that my computer isn’t working. I want to throw it across the room which would not be wise, so I’d better get up and walk away. I’ll take a little break and come back to try again when I’m feeling calmer.”
“I’m excited that tomorrow is the big birthday party. I think I’ll go to bed a bit early tonight in case it takes me longer to fall asleep.”
“I’m worried about my interview on Friday. I know that worry doesn’t do any good. It helps to talk about my feelings and practise what I’ll say in the interview. Would you help me with that?”
“I’m feeling angry. I’m going to sit here and do some calm down breathing for a few minutes.”

Listen.

By actively listening to your child express their feelings, you are showing them that their feelings matter to you, that your child matters to you. You can repeat the emotion words back to them.

“I hear you say that you felt angry when he took away your toy. Do you want to tell me more about that?” By listening to your child’s feelings, they will learn that you are a safe place for them.

Help them identify their triggers.

Triggers are very dependant on the child. For some, it may be sensory triggers or a trauma trigger, while for others, it may be a particular feeling such as frustration that serves as a trigger for a meltdown or an aggressive response. Once you help your child to identify what their most common triggers are, you can help them to recognize them in the early stages and put in place some coping strategies.

Gauge the intensity of the emotion.

Using a feelings thermometer or chart, help your child determine how intense their feeling is.

Prevent emotional outbursts or meltdowns as much as possible.

Adequate sleep, good nutrition, water, regular exercise, and sensory breaks can go a long way towards preventing meltdowns before they start.

I know that I’m certainly more able to handle life’s curveballs when I’ve had a good night’s sleep. I’m also way more reasonable when I’m not hangry!

Teach that it’s okay to make mistakes.

Mistakes are how we learn. Kids who fear making mistakes or strive for perfection tend to have a harder time coping with emotions.

The Growth Mindset Challenge Kit and the Big Life Journal are two of my favourite tools for this. I also really like the book Your Fantastic, Elastic Brain for this reason. It is so good at explaining the concept of mistakes being necessary in a way that kids can understand.

Teach coping strategies.

Calm down strategies are a big part of teaching coping strategies, but they are not the only part. If a child takes a break or walks away when they see a trigger arise, that is also a coping strategy.

If there is a particular situation that comes up repeatedly that causes big emotions in your child, help him think of a strategy for managing that particular situation.

Come up with a plan together. Role play and practise often. Once he has practised managing that situation with his new strategies, he will be better equipped to deal with it in real life.

Teaching your child to better manage their emotions will empower them. They will feel more in control. This will equip them with the skills needed to face their day.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

You may find these articles helpful as well:

5 Critical Steps to Take When Your Child Has a Meltdown Activities to Teach Kids About Emotions

What is the Treatment for RAD?

By Sharla Kostelyk 1 Comment

There are several treatment options for Reactive Attachment Disorder. In most cases, a combination of treatments is used. Love alone is not enough to cure RAD. Please remember that I am not a therapist or official expert in the field of Reactive Attachment Disorder. I am a mom. Two of my kids happen to have the diagnosis. This article is based on the current research into the treatment for RAD as well as my personal experience. I have not tried everything on this list.

There is no “one size fits all” treatment package I’m afraid when it comes to RAD. What works depends on the child, the family, and a variety of other factors such as other diagnoses.

In many cases, a diagnosis of RAD is not an isolated diagnosis. It often comes alongside other diagnoses such as Sensory Processing Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or developmental trauma disorder, ADHD, an anxiety disorder, depression, cognitive delays, or FASD.

In fact, it is not uncommon for kids to have several diagnoses on the list. This is one of the reasons why a treatment plan needs to be customized to the child.

TBRI:

The treatment that we have found the most effective for our kids with RAD was TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention). It is based off this theory; “Our children were harmed in relationship and they will experience healing through nurturing relationships” ~ Karyn Purvis.

We used TBRI along with some of the other treatment strategies listed in this article.

The main principles of TBRI include:

Safe and Structured Environment
Sensory Needs
Nutrition
Empowering Principles
Connecting Principles
Observational Awareness
Self-Awareness
Skills of Attachment
Playful Engagement
Attunement
Correcting Principles
Proactive Behavioural Strategies
Responsive Behavioural Strategies

The abbreviated program activity list here (near the bottom) is very helpful.

Medication:

Choosing to medicate a child is a very personal decision. I share some of our experience with that here. There is no prescription that will magically cure RAD, but there are some that will treat some of the symptoms such as anxiety, aggression, trouble sleeping, and difficulty focusing.

It is certainly more complicated than just treating a symptom with a pill. There are many factors to consider. I suggest consulting a paediatric psychiatrist who specializes in or is at least very familiar with treating attachment and trauma disorders.

Choosing to medicate is a big decision and one where it doesn’t hurt to get a second opinion.

Counselling:

Whether you choose individual and/or family psychological counselling, it is very important to choose a therapist who is trauma informed and experienced in attachment disorders.

If you seek the help of a therapist who does not have experience with Reactive Attachment Disorder, they can be distracted by the child’s coping skills (which can come across as charming) and not recognize the signs of RAD.

Parent-Child Attachment/Trauma Program:

With each of our kids, I attended a one year long program specific to attachment and trauma. I feel so fortunate that our area has such a program.

If you are fortunate to have one in your area, be sure that it is based on the current science of the impact of trauma on the developing brain and the science of attachment.

Play Therapy:

Play therapy can be particularly beneficial for kids who were very young (babies or prenatally) at the time when their trauma or neglect occurred.

Talk therapy is often not as productive for kids who were preverbal at the time of their abuse or neglect because they hadn’t developed language at that time in order to be able to discuss it later.

The use of sand trays in particular can be useful in helping kids play out some of their past and better process it.

Art Therapy:

Art therapy can help children process what happened to them. It is a non-threatening approach that works very well with some children.

There is more and more research being done in the area of art therapy. It is becoming easier to access. Again, it is best if you can find a therapist who is attachment and trauma informed.

Animal Assisted Therapy:

One of our sons did animal assisted therapy for over a year. It was extremely therapeutic for him. Where the love of another human can feel so threatening to kids with RAD, allowing themselves to love and be loved by animals can sometimes help bridge that gap.

It is also wonderful for them to build confidence in themselves by taking care of an animal. Therapeutic programs use a variety of animals including horses, dogs, chickens, llamas, donkeys, and even pigs.

Important note: There are some kids with RAD who harm animals. If this is the case with your child, inform the therapists ahead of time. They may not feel that your child is a good fit for the program or they may be willing to have them attend but offer increased supervision.

Neurofeedback:

Neurofeedback is a type of biofeedback that uses real-time displays of brain activity to teach clients self-regulation. It is not something suitable for young children or those with severe cognitive delays. Most commonly, it uses EEG.

Neurofeedback is still a fairly controversial approach. The scientific data at this time points to more of a placebo effect. Neurofeedback can be expensive as well.

EMDR:

EMDR on the other hand has more and more scientific data backing up its effectiveness in treating PTSD. As many of “our” kids with attachment issues also have a trauma history, it stands to reason that EMDR can be an effective treatment for them at least where the root of their trauma is concerned.

This article on adapting EMDR specifically for children with RAD has some excellent suggestions.

EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It works best in adults or older children who were verbal at the time of their trauma, so it may not be as effective if the abuse or neglect happened during the very early months or years.

We have found EMDR gives good results. We also use bilateral stimulation with the kids at home if they are having a hard time calming themselves down.

Residential Treatment:

In some cases, it is no longer safe to have a child in the home, either because they are a danger to a parent, a sibling or themselves. In these cases, a period of removing the child from the home for a period of time may be necessary.

Obviously, residential treatment is more of a last resort option. It can further compound the belief the child has that they are not loveable or that anyone who is supposed to love them will eventually leave them, but others in the home deserve to feel safe and sometimes, there really is no alternative.

Sometimes residential treatment can compound the rejection and abandonment issues for a child while other times, it can actually lead to tremendous healing.