Special Needs Parenting

What is Positive Parenting?

When our older two boys were young, I had basically no idea what I was doing as a parent. I had gone to a Barbara Coloroso seminar while I was pregnant with my oldest and that gave me a few new tools to use as well as some new philosophies to think about. This statement she made impacted me immediately:

“Encouraging a child means that one or more of the following critical life messages are coming through, either by word or by action: I believe in you, I trust you, I know you can handle this, you are listened to, you are cared for, you are very important to me.” ~Barbara Coloroso

I wanted to raise my children in such a way that they would feel that they were important and valued, that they were capable and loved. I just wasn’t sure how to go about doing that.

Over the next years, I struggled to find a parenting style. I’ve swung from overly permissive to overly rigid and back again. I tried different discipline methods, read so many parenting books, attended parenting seminars, only to feel like I was failing as a mom.

It was actually after we became foster parents and were taking mandatory training for that when I began to stumble upon some truths that sat well with me.

The idea of positive parenting or connected parenting brought me back to what had struck home for me about that Barbara Coloroso quote from so many years before. I wanted to raise my kids in such a way that they would feel like that.

Since changing my parenting to follow the models of positive parenting or connected parenting set for me by such incredible experts as Dr. Karyn Purvis, I have been able to feel more confident about my responses as a parent.

That’s not to say that I have it all together. Most days I still struggle and there are still plenty of moments when I need a “do-over” for my own reactions, but the trajectory is at least going in the right direction.

I know that my kids have more positive interactions with me than negative ones. My kids are learning how to effectively express their emotions. I’m learning to stay calm even in the heated moments. Our home is becoming more peaceful. It’s still loud, as you can imagine with so many kids under one roof, but I’m becoming more skilled at handling the conflicts that arise.

I know that when people hear the term “positive parenting”, they can sometimes assume that means a parenting style that has the kids walking all over the parents, but that isn’t what positive parenting is about.

What is positive parenting?

Positive parenting is a school of thought that allows children to be treated with respect. It emphasizes relationship and communication and its goal is to teach children, not to punish. Positive parenting is about nurturing the relationship between parent and child.

Positive parenting solutions:

emphasis on attachment and relationship
connection before correction
clearly defined rules so that children know what to expect
validating child’s feelings
getting down on the child’s level and making eye contact
offering choices which allows the child to feel that they have a voice and allows them to have a sense of control
saying “yes” when you can
not using any physical punishment
focusing on connection
using discipline methods such as natural consequences, time-ins, redirection, and the art of the compromise
offering meaningful, thoughtful praise
seeing negative behaviour as a method of communication

Is positive parenting effective for children with special needs?

Traditional parenting methods are not effective with most children with special needs. Traditional parenting methods may include things such as long lectures, time outs, grounding, and corporal punishment (spanking).

While positive parenting is wonderful for all children, it is particularly effective with children who have special needs.

In particular, children with attachment issues or Reactive Attachment Disorder, sensory processing disorder, early childhood trauma, autism, and chromosomal disorders respond best to positive parenting.

Is positive parenting easy to do?

I’m not going to lie to you. It can be very challenging to use positive parenting methods if you were raised with other parenting methods yourself. Your default will usually be to react in a similar way to how your own parents reacted.

It takes time, a lot of intentionality and learning, and practise, practise, practise before these things start to feel more natural. Even then, during times of extreme stress or when you are overtired or overwhelmed, it can be easy to slip back into your default parenting style.

When that happens, give yourself grace. Apologize to your child (which provides a great opportunity to model taking accountability for our actions!) and try again.

Give yourself credit for the efforts you’re making and the baby steps you’re taking towards being the kind of parent you ultimately want to be.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Check out some other parenting help:

Connection Activities for Parents and Their Kids Books for Connected Parenting

12 Activities to Promote Eye Contact

By Sharla Kostelyk Leave a Comment

For many kids, making eye contact comes fairly naturally. For kids who are on the autism spectrum or for kids who lacked nurturing in the early years or have experienced early childhood trauma, eye contact is far from natural. Some kids find it uncomfortable while others can find it downright painful. If your child struggles with eye contact due to RAD, autism, SPD, or FASD, there are some simple activities you can do that help promote eye contact in a non-threatening way.

I want to share one comment before I get started with the activity ideas. It’s important not to say “look me in the eye” during these activities. You are looking to foster natural connection and get your child comfortable with eye contact.

You are wanting to get your child used to eye contact and build up their tolerance for it. It is important not to increase their anxiety or make them feel like they are in trouble for not complying.

I remember well the days when making eye contact was painful for one of our sons. It was hard to watch. It’s so much easier for him now, but it will likely never be as easy as it is for most people.

But there has been tremendous process. I really believe that much of that progress was due to us repetitively doing many of these activities.

Activities to promote eye contact:

Face painting – This is my favourite one. It is so subtle. While painting your child’s face, you will create natural proximity and be looking into each other’s faces. Try having them paint yours (that takes courage, but mama, I believe in you)! Be sure to use washable face paint.

Silliness – Make funny faces or use silly getups such as clown noses, glasses with funny noses attached, or stick-on moustaches. Those pictures above are from a Family Fun Night we had. You better believe there was a lot of eye contact practise happening that night even if the kids had no idea there was a purpose beyond laughter!

Stickers – Put stickers or googly eyes on your face. Gradually put them closer to your eyes.

Peek-a-boo – Even with older kids, this game works. With older kids, you’ll have to infuse more silliness to get them to play along. Another way is to teach them to play peek-a-boo with a baby. Ask them to entertain a baby this way and they will be rewarded by smiles and squeals from the baby.

Push them on a swing – Stand in front of them while pushing them on a swing. This encourages eye contact and is great vestibular sensory input.

Secret handshake – Inventing a secret handshake with your child fosters connection and family identity. It also encourages eye contact. Major bonus points if your secret handshake ends with your foreheads touching!

Butterfly kisses and Smurf kisses – Butterfly kisses are when you touch your eyelashes together and blink quickly like butterfly wings flapping. Smurf kisses are when you rub noses. These will obviously be too vulnerable for kids who are at heightened stages of their attachment journey (?).

Board games – Connect 4 is the best one for this if you sit on opposite sides of the board. Because of the level of the board, accidental eye contact is inevitable!

Bubble gum – This is a trick I learned from the late great Karyn Purvis. Bubble gum is good sensory feedback both for proprioception and gustatory (taste). Keep hoards of bubble gum in your child’s favourite flavour. To get a piece of gum, all they have to do is ask “may I please have some gum?” with some degree of eye contact and the answer is always “yes”.

Count freckles – If your child has freckles on their face, count them and assign names to them. Or have them count and name yours. There’s bound to be some eye contact here and there.

Have a staring contest – For kids who are older or further along in their eye contact progress, a staring contest can increase their tolerance for it in a fun way. Don’t attempt with kids who are

Play an eye signal game – Have your child stand a few feet in front of you (or closer if they’ll allow). Signal to them with only your eyes to move to the side (by looking to that side), the other side, stepping back (eyes up), or taking a step forward (one blink).

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Transition Strategies for Kids

By Sharla Kostelyk Leave a Comment

Change is hard for kids. Whether it’s big changes like moving to another town or small ones like moving from one activity to the next, transitions are hard. Transition strategies can help prevent meltdowns and lower anxiety in children. For some kids, such as children with autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, PTSD, or other special needs, transitions are even more difficult. This can lead to challenging behaviours.

All children, and particularly those with special needs need a sense of predictability. Being prepared with transition strategies is key. These may take place before, during, or after the transition.

Transition Strategies for Kids:

Prepare them. Give kids advance warning for how long an activity will last. Help them know what to expect in a day.
Use a visual schedule. This makes it clear what a child can expect and what is coming up next. It can be helpful to put the activities that are most challenging for the child closer to the beginning of the day when they are less tired.
Use a visual timer or a visual countdown system.
Offer sensory breaks. Sensory activities make great transition bridges. Check out these sensory break cards for home or these sensory break cards for the classroom.
Use a transition object. For some children, having their special blanket, doll, or stuffed animal with them can smooth transitions. This is especially true in the case of a child transitioning from one location to another such as from home to school or from home to preschool. Bringing a small photo album or laminated picture of mom or dad can also be helpful.
Teach transition songs. Transition songs are a great way to help kids move from one activity to the next. Kids love music. These songs are light hearted. They help kids pay attention. They help them mentally prepare for the next activity or time of the day. You can make up your own to the tune of any familiar tune or you can find transition songs here.
Allow for extra time. If you’re rushing, your child will pick up on your energy and become even more agitated. By not leaving things until the last minute, you will give your child extra time to adjust. You will also be calmer, which will help them stay calm.
Use social stories. For children who have a particularly hard time with transitions, preparing them with relevant social stories ahead of time can be beneficial.
Maintain consistency. As much as possible, try to stick with the schedule and routines that you have laid out.

Why transitions are challenging for kids:

You know that moment when you know that it’s time to leave the playground but it’s gotten crowded since you arrived and you dread the scene that you know is going to unfold as soon as you tell your child it’s time to leave? We’ve all been there.

When your child is engrossed in an activity that they are enjoying, it’s hard for them to get their brain to switch tracks.

Even as an adult, it’s sometimes hard to want to leave something that we are enjoying to move on to something we perceive as less enjoyable.

Kids have less control of their lives. They don’t make the timetable or choose where they are going or what they are doing (most of the time). This makes it more frustrating for them to have to quit something they are enjoying.

Transitions and special needs:

Children with autism and kids with ADHD tend to hyperfocus on what they are interested in or what they are doing. Disruptions are unwelcome and can result in a meltdown. Attention shifts require flexible thinking and this is challenging for most kids who have autism.

Kids who have autism also have trouble with nonverbal cues, so they may not pick up on things that other children in the classroom do to prepare them for transitions. That’s why it’s especially important that things are spelled out clearly for them and that they get visual cues as well as verbal ones.

Children with sensory needs can also struggle with transitions more than other kids. This is due to their bodies needing to adapt to new sensory stimuli with each new location or activity.

As an example, in a classroom setting when a child is engrossed in a math activity, sitting at a desk and the time comes to put that away and eat lunch.

Where they were likely not getting enough sensory stimuli at their desk, moving to a cafeteria or into the busy hallway to retrieve their lunch may offer too much stimuli with the increased noise, physical activity, and taste sensations. Going to such extremes rapidly is difficult and can lead to meltdowns.

Transitioning from home to school and back home:

One of the most difficult transition of the day for kids can be the one from home to school/preschool or the one from school back home. If this is a particularly challenging issue for your child, it’s best to work together with the teachers to come up with a game plan.

A transition object can be useful. This is usually something familiar from home that brings the child comfort.

Have something the child does every day right before leaving the classroom. This should be simple and easy to maintain such as placing their notebook on the teacher’s desk or placing an X on their student planner.

Although you want the teacher to be aware of this routine, you don’t want to involve them in it. If for example the child’s post-school ritual was to high-five the teacher every day, imagine the meltdown the child could have if the teacher were absent one day.

Coming back home after school is particularly difficult for many children. The reintegration into the house after holding in their emotions all day and being in a very different environment can cause big meltdowns.

We have discovered an After School Meltdown Strategy that actually works. It has made the after school transition much smoother in our home. Other parents have also found it works for their child.

Remember that communication between you and your child as well as between you and the school are critical in helping your child make these changeovers as seamless as possible.

Resources for assisting kids in transitions:

The After School Meltdown Strategy that really works

Sensory Break Cards

What We Can Learn About Grieving from the Mother Whale

By Sharla Kostelyk 4 Comments

Were you captivated by the story of the mother whale who carried her dead calf for 17 days before finally letting go? I was moved. As a mother, I can only imagine what it is like to lose a child. But I know other types of grief and I could relate to some of what she must be going through.

I know it may sound a bit ridiculous to shed tears over an orca’s love for her baby, but once you’re a parent, you understand a depth of love that is indescribable.

While the world followed her story, there were those who were concerned that the mother wasn’t eating enough. There were those who speculated that perhaps she had a certain spot in mind to leave her calf. I pondered something different.

Just as we carry our own children through the hard times in their lives (especially true for those of us parenting children with special needs), this mother carries her baby on her back for seventeen days through the ocean.

There is much that we could learn about grieving from this majestic animal. In North America, we tend to grieve in private. We put time restrictions on grief. We worry if we perceive that a person is grieving for “too long”.

The fact that there was so much concern and speculation about a whale’s period of grieving provides evidence of just how uncomfortable we are talking openly about grief and loss.

This mother whale didn’t care that other killer whales usually carry their dead calves for a shorter period of time. She wasn’t concerned with appearances or a timetable put in place by others.

She allowed herself to process the death of her baby and mourn in the way that came naturally to her.

Orcas are known to have strong familial connections. Tahlequah (the name given to this whale) had relatives who occasionally took turns carrying the body of her calf for her during her journey. They did not rush her to let her baby go. They helped her carry the load. Literally.

The pod watched her closely and understood her need to mourn her loss. They helped in feeding her and giving her breaks from carrying the weight of her calf.

She carried her calf’s body for 1,000 miles, sacrificing as only a parent can to be able to say goodbye in the way she wanted to.

Now that her time of mourning is over, she is frolicking with other whales and eating normally. She is able to do this because she allowed herself to grieve in the way she needed to for as long as she needed to.

What we can learn about grieving from this mother whale:

grief is different for everyone
showing our grief outwardly allows others in
the only timeline to worry about is your own
grieve in the way you need to
keep the person’s memory alive in ways that are meaningful to you
don’t worry about how your grief is being perceived or judged
don’t grieve alone
be there for those who are grieving
don’t rush their mourning
help carry their load
feed them and give them breaks
love on them until they are able to swim on their own

In our society, we often try to wrap grief up in a pretty bow. We expect that between the death and the funeral, there will be deep mourning. Yet somehow, we think that after the funeral, life moves on.

The reality is that the time between the loss and the funeral is usually gone through in shock. Add to that the busyness of planning and decision making and often, the reality doesn’t set in until well after the funeral is over and others have gone home. It is then that those grieving need their “pod” the most.

Talking to kids about grief:

use age appropriate language, but do not shield them from the truth
share your own grief with them so that they see that it is okay to share feelings and even to cry
tell them that each person grieves differently
give them an emotions vocabulary and the ability to express their feelings
take seriously their grief over the loss of a pet or friend who moves away or a parent’s divorce
teach them the stages of grief and how they don’t necessarily happen in a particular order
let them express their feelings through play and art
allow them to be a part of commemorative rituals such as the funeral or memorial service
give them opportunities to share their favourite memories of the loved one
get professional help for them if you see that they are not coping in healthy ways

When my father-in-law passed away over a year ago, we involved our kids and allowed them to grieve. As soon as he received his terminal cancer diagnosis, we told the kids. We also told them that we wouldn’t be keeping secrets from them. We expressed that any of their questions would be answered honestly.

As his condition worsened, we involved them in the process, allowing them to begin saying good-bye. We brought them to the Hospice, explaining ahead of time what they would see and what they could expect. They each got to say goodbye in their own way.

The morning that he passed away, we came home and told the kids immediately. Some of them cried. Others ate their pancakes. Others wanted some time alone. One hardly left my side for days. Each of them processed it in their own way.

Before his memorial service, some of the kids wrote letters or drew pictures. They placed these in the casket with him. They were also able to write or draw things directly on the casket if they chose to. We hid nothing from them.

One of our sons had a hard time going back to school afterwards, so we kept him home until he felt ready. At times, he would go for a half day and then call me to pick him up. His grieving took longer than some of his siblings because it triggered some prior losses he had had in his life.

It’s so important to know and convey that it is okay for everyone to grieve in the way that they need to. There is no right or wrong length of time for grieving.

You may also be interested in reading:

Helping a Child Through Trauma

Symptoms of Anxiety in Children

Teaching Emotions Toolkit

Is There Hope for Reactive Attachment Disorder?

By Sharla Kostelyk 2 Comments

Parenting a child with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) is not for the faint of heart. It can be a discouraging, uphill battle. One of the questions I hear from parents most often is: Is there hope for a child with RAD? As the mom of two children who are diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, it’s a question I have asked myself often over the years as well.

Living with the effects of RAD in your home can wear on the whole family over time, especially if you don’t feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel.

For many years, I heard therapists and experts and other parents parenting kids with RAD tell me that there was no hope. It felt like we had tried everything and things were only getting worse. I felt hopelessness and despair.

It wasn’t until my husband and I attended an Empowered to Connect conference in Minneapolis and heard Dr. Karyn Purvis speak that I had my first glimmer of hope.

“I’ve never met a child who can’t come to deep levels of healing.” ~ Dr. Karyn Purvis

Listening to story after story of children who had been able to come to a place of healing gave me something to cling to. I felt like I had hope for our children’s futures, for our family, for the first time in a long time.

I wish that I could say that after we came home from that conference and put into practise what we had learned, all the negative behaviours magically disappeared and our children quickly learned that they could trust us. They didn’t. I wish I could say that the road got easier. It didn’t.

The road was twisty and long. We were exhausted. We went through harder times than we had before. We asked for help. We accessed services and therapies. We nearly got to the end of our capabilities and our sanity.

For the privacy of our children, I am not sharing specifics of just how difficult things got. But I know that if you are parenting a child who has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I do not need to share specifics. You know. You live this. I hope that it helps you just even a little bit to know that others have lived it too and have survived.

There is hope.

Our son and our daughter are showing healthy and secure attachment. They turn to us when they are sick or hurting and need comfort. They trust that we will meet their needs.

They make eye contact. They talk about their feelings. They hug us. They ask for what they need instead of “asking” through behaviours. They are able to accept correction and follow our rules (most of the time).

They are choosing me. Our daughter no longer wants to go with strangers or “shop for a new mommy”.

They show empathy and compassion for others. They are gaining confidence in who they are. They are accepting our love and are reciprocating it.

It feels like a miracle.

Their journeys have been different. Our son’s attachment to us came sooner, but his trauma still affects many aspects of his life. Our son has loved us fiercely for a number of years now, but our daughter was not able to allow herself to accept our love or love us in return.

And then, eight and a half years after she came to us, we began to see signs. They were small at first. Sometimes she would grow closer to us and then catch herself and push us away. Tuck-ins became longer as she began to open up to us and share her feelings. She began to sit next to me on the couch.

She was making eye contact and asking for my help with things. She was singing more and dancing with me in the kitchen.

I felt like I was holding my breath at times, afraid that in a puff, the magic would disappear and the angry girl would return. But the content girl stayed.

One morning, I noticed as our daughter was about to go to school that she had written something on her shirt in permanent marker. (There was a time when such a thing would have upset me, but one of the many things I have learned on this connective parenting journey is what is really a mountain and what isn’t. I’m not bothered by permanent marker on an old t-shirt now.)

I asked her what she had written on her shirt and she told me that today was Superhero Day at her school and since she didn’t have a superhero costume, she had decided to make hers.

She pulled her coat open to reveal what she had written on her shirt.

In case you can’t read that, it says, “My Mom and my Dad are my Superheros”!!!

I don’t have adequate words to describe the significance of that. There were so many years where she pushed me away, where she couldn’t accept my love, where she felt that she was betraying her first mom if she even smiled in my direction, where she expressed the depth of her hatred for me with nearly every breath.

I had tears in my eyes as I reflected on how far we had come. I also had tears in my eyes later that week when she wanted to hold my hand everywhere we went and tears in my eyes when I overheard her tell someone “I’m so lucky that I can love two mommies and two daddies”.

And the tears were streaming all the way down my face two weeks ago when she got baptized and shared her story in front of a building full of people, a story of loss and hurt, of sorrow and pain, of losing her first family and her first country and then of losing her hearing, but also a story of redemption and love.

Once she was able to accept our love for her, she was able to accept God’s love for her as well. That day felt like the culmination of our journey. It doesn’t mean that our journey is over, but having a symbol of how far we have all come was pretty special.

Our kids still have early childhood trauma that they are working through. Behaviours still rear their ugly heads sometimes when our kids forget to use their words or forget to talk about their feelings. But there are more good days than bad and there is a lot more joy in our home.

Things aren’t perfect. I don’t expect them to ever be. There is no “magic” cure for RAD, but there is hope.
Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

You may also want to read:

What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child with RAD

Reactive Attachment Disorder Books

Helping Kids Understand Sensory Processing

By Sharla Kostelyk Leave a Comment

Proprioception, vestibular, interoception…sensory processing is complicated enough to explain to adults! So how can we go about explaining sensory processing to kids in a way that they will understand?

A few weeks ago, I was driving with my son. I was a few days away from launching the book Sensory Processing Explained and he was asking me about the book. One of the things he said was “I understand why you wrote that book since so many of the other kids have Sensory Processing Disorder, but I don’t, do I?”. I couldn’t help but laugh.

Although we’ve not bothered to get this particular son an official diagnosis for Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), I’m quite sure he has it. We already had the diagnosis for many of our other children, so I felt confident in my ability to meet his sensory needs without having it on paper.

His question made me realize that I had failed to explain to him why we did so many sensory activities and had so many sensory interventions. That day, I was finally able to explain that though he didn’t have some of the sensory seeking signs that some people automatically associate with SPD, he had other signs.

I began to tell him about the 8 sensory systems and as soon as I defined Interoception, he laughed out loud. “I guess I do have it!”, he proclaimed. You see, for him, sensory processing issues don’t look like constant spinning or movement. They don’t look like covering his ears when things are loud or complaining about itchy clothing fabrics.

For him, sensory issues present in more of his internal body awareness. He is always hot, even if it is -40° out in the middle of our Canadian winters. He feels hunger and thirst differently than most. His pain tolerance is incredibly high. In fact, his pain tolerance is so high that he hardly complained when his appendix almost ruptured!

He has a few other sensitivities too such as getting dizzy easily (vestibular), so he avoids spinning or amusement park rides that turn. But when it comes to the 5 senses that most people think of, he is quite typical.

It was more than a bit humbling to think that here I had literally written a book on Sensory Processing and yet, I had failed to properly explain it to one of my kids. I realized that I had assumed that they understood it well from all the sensory work that we do without being intentional about teaching it to them.

I have since rectified that. I have taught them the vocabulary, the basics, as well as teaching them to recognize and talk about their own sensory preferences.

Teaching kids about sensory processing is essential, especially for children with sensory issues. All kids need to develop the foundation and vocabulary to understand sensory processing, but it is even more crucial for children with sensory issues or Sensory Processing Disorder to have a solid grasp of the information.

The My Sensory Self Workbook for Kids is a wonderful tool for teaching kids about sensory processing. It contains printable colouring pages, a kid-friendly explanation of each of the 8 sensory systems, a sensory word search, and a questionnaire designed to help kids identify their own unique sensory preferences.

I created the ideas for the workbook while in the midst of explaining sensory processing to my kids. Their questions helped guide me. They have all really enjoyed filling out their workbooks. Even my older kids enjoyed learning this way and being able to personalize the sheets to their own sensory needs.

Explaining sensory processing to kids:

Keep it simple, but factual. Give them the proper vocabulary even at a young age.
Use visual cues and activities that they can participate in to secure their understanding. We designed the My Sensory Self Workbook just for kids. It was created to help them not only learn the 8 sensory systems, but to begin to recognize their own sensory preferences.
Talk about sensory processing in everyday conversation. For example, when asking at dinner if your child likes a particular food, point out that olfactory and gustatory senses may be at play.
If you are working with an occupational therapist (OT), consult with them about what you are teaching at home so that they can reinforce that in their sessions with your child.
Speak to your child’s teacher so that they know what you are teaching about sensory processing at home and can further cement it in school.
Once your child learns the vocabulary, help them to define their own sensory preferences. Giving them this language will be a powerful tool in helping them learn to advocate for themselves.

Other ideas for teaching kids about sensory processing:

Take them on a sensory walk. Explore and discover what you can find to represent each sensory system.
Have them make a collage out of pictures to go with each of the sensory systems.
Have your child keep a journal of different sensory likes and dislikes that they notice as they go about their day.
Do a Sensory Scavenger Hunt.

Talking openly about sensory processing and about Sensory Processing Disorder can help give voice to your child’s feelings. It also allows them to express any questions they may have about it.

Parents and teachers: You may find this free printable download of the signs of sensory overload helpful.

You may also be interested in reading:

Sensory Processing Disorder