Special Needs Parenting

Social Emotional Developmental Milestones

Emotional regulation is many layered. One of the factors that comes into play is social emotional development. While this list is by no means comprehensive, I’ve put together some of the social emotional developmental milestones by age.

It is important to note that these ages are what is typical. They by no means apply to all children. Kids who are born prematurely, have early childhood trauma, are on the autism spectrum, or other special needs will be delayed in reaching these stages.

If you have a child with delays or special needs, ignore the ages in the list and instead look for the stage your child is currently at.

The reason I share this list is to help parents and caregivers determine what stages are best for beginning to introduce emotional regulation strategies.

Keep in mind that all children are unique and may not reach milestones at the same time or even in the same order.

Social Emotional Developmental Milestones:

2 months old

smiling
looking at caregiver
crying to have needs met
sometimes self-soothing by sucking on their hands or fingers

4 months

smiling spontaneously
develops an awareness of their surroundings
playing
beginning to imitate facial expressions

6 months

crying, smiling, or laughing in response to your emotions
enjoys looking at their own face in a mirror
differentiates between strangers and familiar faces

9 months

showing stranger anxiety
begins showing a preference for toys or comfort objects
may cry when caregiver leaves room
learns the meaning of a few words

12 months

has favourite people among those known to them
enjoys simple games like peek-a-boo
may show fear in new situations
may demonstrate anxiety around unfamiliar people
imitates sounds or actions

18 months – 2 years

more frequent temper tantrums
asserts independence
may get upset when not the center of attention
may become frustrated trying to communicate
engages in simple pretend play, imitates what adults or other children do
engages in side by side (parallel) play with other kids
does not understand what others think or feel

3 – 4 years

beginning to express a wider range of emotion
may confuse reality and make believe
can be spontaneously kind and caring
play with other kids in what is called cooperative play
separates from caregiver more easily
uses words to communicate needs
begins to share toys
can sometimes work out small conflicts with other children
not usually able to articulate emotions with words
may still have tantrums, particularly because of changes in routine or not getting what they want

5 – 6 years

understand others’ feelings and can be sensitive towards them
more aware of following rules
more conversational and independent
enjoys cooperative play with other kids
becomes aware of their gender
may prefer to play with peers of the same sex as them
will test boundaries, but they are still eager to please adults and help out
begins to experience and understand embarrassment
understands the difference between reality and make believe

7 – 8 years

more aware of the perceptions of others
trying to fit in
expanding their vocabulary including their emotional vocabulary
begins to understand death
may complain about friendships and the reactions of other kids
desire to behave appropriately, but aren’t as attentive to directions
trying to express feelings with words, but may still resort to aggression or tantrums when upset
greater awareness of their surroundings

9 – 10 years

concerned about rules which can lead to bossiness
cooperative play in group games or group settings
uses problem solving, negotiating, and compromising skills with peers
begins narrowing their peer group down to a few close friends
sportsmanship emerges
may begin to withdraw from family time or conversations to develop their own identity
are affectionate, goofy (think fart jokes and burping contests!), and curious
can be seen as selfish, rude and contrary (this is a stage when a lot of parents will comment “where did my sweet Sally/Billy go?”
may change emotions quickly
can express subtle emotion

11 – 15 years

moods and emotions are impacted by hormones
can show empathy
developing leadership skills
more logical thinking
begins to handle emotions like fear, frustration, rejection, and loneliness
can be introspective and moody
needs more privacy
values the opinions of friends and others sometimes over those of family
may test out new ideas, values, fashion styles, speech patterns, and mannerisms while trying to find where they fit in
begins to develop personal values
learning to make appropriate decisions to resolve peer conflict
understanding of consequences to actions

16 – 18 years

striving for independence
may start emotionally distancing themselves from parents
can be impulsive, moody, or self-centered
may also begin to look at how they can positively impact the world
shows pride in success
perhaps interested in dating relationships
may want to spend a lot of time with friends

Knowing when certain social emotional developmental milestones can be expected will help you in knowing when to focus on teaching emotion words, emotional regulation strategies, and social skills.

It’s helpful to know what expectations are reasonable. The most important thing to keep in mind is that all children develop at their own pace. These are only guidelines.

You may also find these milestone lists helpful as well:

Fine Motor Developmental Milestones for Ages 0-6

Developmental Milestones Chart

Developmental Milestones Tips and Resources

You may also be interested in these articles:

Books for Kids About Emotions

50 Simple Calm Down Strategies for Kids Activities to Teach Kids About Emotions

Why You Should Befriend a Special Needs Mom

By Sharla Kostelyk

Maybe you’ve seen that mom at the playground or in the halls at school. Maybe you’ve passed by her many times and thought of saying something, but you haven’t. Here’s why I think you should befriend a special needs mom.

She needs you.

It’s tough being the mom of a child with special needs. She needs allies, laughter, and support. She also needs a break from time to time.

It’s lonely when the other moms exclude you. It’s not usually done intentionally. Perhaps, the other moms aren’t sure what to say. They may not want to offend.

Be that brave woman who walks over to the other side of the room and invites that special needs mom in.

You have more in common than you may think.

Moms are moms. Whether they are parenting a “neurotypical” child or a child with special needs, all moms fiercely love their son or daughter.

You both want what’s best for your child. Both of you worry and wish. And you do the very best that you can.

You can learn from her.

There is so much you can learn from her. She’s probably an expert in advocating for a child. I’m sure she’s got pointers she can share with you when it comes time for you to talk to the school or a doctor about your child.

If you’re looking for someone who can model patience, chances are, she’s it!

Here are just a few of the other things she can probably teach you:

celebrating the small wins
being in the moment
compassion
research
stretching a dollar
accessing resources
finding joy in little things

It will give you new perspective.

Listening to a mom with a special needs child share her heart, her worries, her struggles with you will give you a new perspective for your own.

It’s not that your problems aren’t still valid. In fact, be sure to share those with her as well because chances are, she has built a lot of compassion over the years and may also have some wisdom to share that could help. But growing your awareness of the challenges others face, it will give you a different perspective on things you face in your own life. It will help you not to “sweat the small stuff” and to appreciate what you have.

She’ll be a loyal friend.

Chances are, she lost her share of friendships after her child was diagnosed. Some because they weren’t sure what to do or what to say and some because they didn’t want to put in the effort. Others out of guilt that their children were healthy. And many because she could no longer attend events or because their child was considered “difficult”.

Losing those friendships was painful. It was another hurt she wasn’t expecting at a time when she most needed support. But it taught her to appreciate the friends that stuck by her. It showed her the value of true friendship. She doesn’t take that lightly.

You’ll be inspired.

Special needs moms aren’t perfect. They fail as often as you do. But it’s the getting back up every time that is inspiring. When all the odds are stacked against them, they only seem to grow stronger.

It will make you a better mom.

After spending time with your new friend, you’ll find yourself appreciating the little things with your kids. Her compassion and patience will rub off on you.

Every friendship enhances your life and contributes to your self care which makes you able to give more to your children.

The moms I know who are parenting special needs children are determined, inspiring, committed, loving, generous, giving, and smart. I am better for having them in my life.

As a special needs mom myself, I’m also undeniably grateful for the “regular” moms who I can call friends. They have blessed me abundantly by making me feel included and reminding me what it feels like to laugh.

If you are a special needs mom, I encourage you to befriend both other special needs moms and other moms. You can learn so much from both.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

What Special Needs Moms Need From You

10 Tips to Prevent Sensory Overload in Children

By Sharla Kostelyk

Sensory overload can happen to all of us. In children who struggle with sensory issues, it can happen more frequently and more easily. It can also lead to sensory meltdowns. The key is to prevent sensory overload in children whenever possible.Even if you don’t struggle with sensory issues yourself, I’m sure you can relate to the feeling of sensory overload. We’ve all been there. For some, it may be at a concert or crowded event. For others, it’s being in a gymnasium full of screeching preschoolers. Or perhaps for you, it’s public bathrooms or an amusement park. Myself, I find the swimming pool too loud.

The combination of the background noise in there, the smell of the chlorine, the sounds of the water from the fountain and waterslide, the jets in the hot tub, the laughter and screams of all the kids, the visual overload of so many people and so much movement…I find that I can only take so much before I need a break.

What causes sensory overload?

Our society is increasingly fast paced. In many cases, places are becoming louder, more crowded, and more visually stimulating. Add in advancing technology and it’s easy to see why sensory overload occurs.

Have you ever been somewhere and suddenly, you are acutely aware of the noise or smell? It’s possible that you may have been experiencing sensory overload.

Be on the lookout for signs of sensory overload in your child. If caught in time, sensory overload doesn’t have to lead to a sensory meltdown or a fight, flight, or freeze response.

Read about the Sensory Processing Overload Signs and print them as a reference here. This will allow you to recognize them in your child.

What triggers sensory overload?

Sensory overload can be triggered by a variety of things and for most, it is actually a combination of more than one source of sensory input that causes the overload.

Here are just some of the things that can trigger sensory overload:

Visual (sight):

bright lights or fluorescent lights
flashing lights
colours
decorative displays
busy decor
clutter
new places, people

Auditory (sound):

many people talking at once
music
background noise such as fans, air conditioners, birds chirping, or traffic sounds
loud noises such as alarms, sirens, screaming

Olfactory (smell):

strong food smells
new smells
cleaning agents
candles, air fresheners, or potpourri
perfume, cologne, scented lotions, or scented hair products

Gustatory (taste):

new flavours
strong tastes
flavours disliked

Tactile (touch):

new textures
clothing (new material or seams or tags)
being touched
touching an unusual or new object, person, or animal
rain or snow or wind

Vestibular and Proprioception:

movement such as the motion of a vehicle, rocking of a boat, swinging
being bumped in a crowd
spinning
having a heavy coat on or being confined in a car seat
change in air pressure
jumping

Interoception:

hunger or being too full
thirst
change in temperature
needing to go to the bathroom

Tips to Prevent Sensory Overload in Children:

Keep your outings to a minimum for kids who are prone to sensory overload. Choose times and days when places will be less busy. Avoid crowds whenever possible. I know that not all errands can be avoided, but if your child is particularly sensitive, you may need to get groceries at times when you don’t have to bring your child with you.
Minimize the amount of activities you register your child for. Reports show that overscheduling your child can actually lead to an increase in anxiety. Swimming lessons, karate class, art class, school, soccer, drama club, and other sports and arts are all wonderful for kids, but pick and choose. Be sure to leave plenty of space for free time.
Be aware of the environment and take steps to reduce sensory input. One example would be to have your child wear noise reducing headphones in places that are loud.
Talk to your child’s school about removing unnecessary visual, auditory, and olfactory (smell) distractions from the classrooms and hallways. Schools are already full of noise and colour, but thee are some things that can be minimized.
Smells are a sensory trigger for many kids (and adults). Don’t wear perfume or use scented lotions or hair products if you know your child is sensitive to them.
Maintain as predictable a schedule as possible. Ensure your child is getting adequate water, nutritious meals and snacks, and a good amount of sleep.
Allow extra time so that you aren’t rushing and so that you can allow for extra time for transitions.
Provide sensory breaks at regular intervals during the day.
Teach your child calming breathing techniques and have them practise them daily.
Provide a quiet place your child can go to when they are feeling overwhelmed by their surroundings.

Check out these other helpful articles:

How to Stop Sensory Overload from Turning into a Sensory Meltdown Recognizing the Signs of Sensory Overload in Children Sensory Meltdown Tips from Moms Who’ve Been There

50 Awesomely Simple Calm Down Strategies for Kids

By Sharla Kostelyk

Calm down strategies for kids don’t have to be complicated to be effective. The key is to find the ones that work best for your child. Each child is different and therefore, their preferred methods for calming will be as well. Calm down techniques work for any child (or adult for that matter!). They are especially good to use for kids with autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, FASD, early childhood trauma, Reactive Attachment Disorder, or anxiety.

I’ve put together 50 calm down strategies that are so simple that anyone can do them. These don’t require expensive equipment or a lot of time.

The formula for success is to practise these with your child when they are calm, discover which ones they respond to, and then have them use those in the times when they are needed. It can be very helpful to use calm down strategy cards. This allows the child to have a visual cue. This reminder can be especially helpful when they are beginning to feel out of control.

I suggest only including the strategies that you know work for your child. Otherwise, it could cause frustration for your child. You can discover which ones they prefer when you are practising with them while they are calm rather than trying to discover it when they are upset.

Simply pop your email into the form below and you’ll be able to print off the cards for yourself. Then, cut out the cards, hole punch them, and put them on a binder ring for your child to keep in their pocket, backpack, or calm down kit.

By helping your child or student learn the calming methods that are effective for them, you will help them gain independence. It feels empowering for kids to be able to regain control on their own.

50 Calm Down Strategies for Kids:

Hum
Wrap Yourself in a Blanket
Drink Water
Draw a Picture
Colour
Breathe
Ask for a Hug
Read a Book
Whisper the Alphabet
Pray
Listen to Music
Press Your Palm to Your Chest
Go for a Run
Relax Your Face
Do my Affirmations
Push on the Wall
Squeeze a Sensory Ball
Play with a Fidget
Stretch
Jump
Count
Chew Gum
Play with Playdough
Blow Bubbles
Do a Puzzle
Wear Noise Reducing Headphones
Finger-paint
Touch Your Toes
Be a Helper
Look at a Calm Down Bottle
Dance
Eat a Crunchy Snack
Blow a Pinwheel
Pop Bubble Wrap
Use a Small Massager
Hug a Teddy Bear
Journal
Take a Shower
Carry some Books
Close Your Eyes
Swing or Rock
Wiggle Your Fingers
Go to Your Quiet Place
Play the Harmonica
Go for a Walk
Trace Shapes on Your Hand with Your Finger
Do 5 Pushups
Name Your Emotions
Put Lotion On
Do Yoga

You may also be interested in reading:

How to Create a Calm Down Kit for Children

The After School Meltdown Strategy That Really Works

Powerful positive affirmations for kids to change their mindset

By Sharla Kostelyk

When I was growing up, my dad used to say to me, “whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re absolutely right”. His version of the Henry Ford quote was designed to teach me about the power of our mindset. One of the most effective ways to help kids change their mindset is by teaching them to use positive affirmations. The thing about something that you hear or say over and over is that it gets stuck in your brain. It becomes part of your inner voice. This is true for both positive and negative words.

During certain times in my life, my dad’s repetition of that quote has come to mind. That quote has even come out of my own mouth in talking to my children. In that same way, affirmations that we tell our kids or that they tell themselves will live in their minds and be brought forward in the future.

As parents, we want as many of those as possible to be positive.

When one of my kids is struggling, do I want the first thought that comes to mind to be “I can’t do this” or do I want it to be “I can figure this out”?

Obviously, I want it to be the latter. But in order for that to happen, I need to ensure that they are practising positive affirmations.A positive affirmation is a statement meant to overcome negative thoughts. Negative thoughts contribute to self-sabotage, stress, pessimism, anxiety, and depression. Therefore, you want to retrain your child’s brain to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones.

How do I use positive affirmations with kids?

Repetition, repetition, repetition. The key to this method being effective is having the affirmation repeated often. It also helps if the affirmation is said out loud by others, “you are kind”, by the child, “I am kind”, and is reinforced in other ways such as singing a song about it or colouring it.
Use affirmations in the present tense. Even if the statement is something your child has not yet mastered and is still working towards, it is more powerful to say “I am a good friend” than it is to say “I will be a good friend”.
Affirmations need to be specific.
Allow your child to choose their own affirmations. You can of course make suggestions, but the most effective ones will be those that resonate with them.

How do I teach my child to be positive?

One complaint I hear from a lot of parents is that their child is negative. Some kids seem to be born with a “glass half empty” mentality. While positive affirmations are not going to completely change a child’s personality, they will improve your child’s outlook.

The way that a child sees themselves shapes the way they see the world. When a child sees themselves negatively, they will also see everything around them through that lens.

Practising positive affirmations can help a child to see themselves in a more positive light. This then allows them to see those people and circumstances around them more optimistically as well.

Practising intentional gratitude will also help a child to be more positive. They can do this by:

writing or saying five things they are grateful for each day
writing thank you notes
drawing what they are thankful for
using Post-its to jot down what they are grateful for
making positive observations about what they see, smell, touch, taste, or hear

We have a gratitude hallway covered in Post-its. It makes me smile. The kids add Post-its whenever they want.

Please note:

Positive affirmations do not address underlying trauma or special needs. They aren’t a “quick fix”. But even for children who have early childhood trauma issues or other factors that negatively affect their mindset, positive affirmations are not harmful. They can be one tiny piece of the puzzle towards healing.

Adorable Unicorn Affirmations for Kids:

These free printable unicorn affirmation pages are adorable! They include the following positive affirmations:

I am confident.
I am happy.
I am kind.
I am brave.
I am patient.
I am loved.
I am a good friend.
I am proud of myself.
I am safe.
I am awesome.

To download your printable unicorn affirmation pages for kids to colour, just submit your email below.

The Best Things to Include in a Calm Down Kit

By Sharla Kostelyk

When I created a calm down kit for our daughter, it was a turning point for all of us. It helped her in so many ways. It gave her tools and strategies to calm herself and help regulate her emotions. She is empowered. These suggestions of the best things to include in a calm down kit should be helpful for you to create your own.

It is important to note that what works best in a calm down kit for one child will not necessarily work for another. You’ll start to see in time what is most effective for your child.

It’s only once you’ve used the kit a number of times that you’ll get a sense of what items might not be necessary and even what type of things to perhaps include more of.

It’s important to teach your child to use the kit and “practise” using it when they are calm. During a meltdown or period of anxiety, a child can go into fight, flight, or freeze mode, making it difficult for them to make decisions and think logically.

Practising using the calm down kit during down times will enable them to know what things help in times of distress.

What to Include in a Calm Down Kit:

calm down cards
small container of bubbles
chewelry
weighted stuffed animal
calm down bottle
emotion cards
weighted blanket or soft blanket
playdough (this calming lavender playdough is perfect)
noise cancelling headphones
stress ball (easily make your own)
water bottle with a chewable straw
sound machine
slime or silly putty
Rescue Remedy
fidgets
I Spy wand
kaleidoscope
favourite book or a book about feelings
affirmations colouring book and crayons
liquid motion bubble timer
squishies
small framed photo of their family or beloved pet
mini Etch-a-Sketch
palm massager
harmonica
smell bottles
textured sensory balls
pinwheel
sensory bag

Lego Sensory Chew Necklace Noise Cancelling Headphones Conair Sound Therapy Sound Machine Kids Rescue Remedy Natural Stress Relief Drops Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty Retro Voyage Map Kaleidoscope Wonder Tubes Liquid Motion Bubble Timers Palm Massager

For younger kids, it is sometimes best to use pictures on the calm down prompt cards even if the child can read. If they are in a state of fight, flight, or freeze, reading will be difficult for them. The easier you make it, the better.

What to Include in a Calm Down Kit for Older Kids:

anything from the list above
calm down cards
hard candies to suck on
favourite book
chewing gum
puzzle
Rubik’s cube
bubble wrap (for popping)
Big Life Journal
colouring book and markers or pencil crayons
weighted lap pad
instant camera (for taking “selfies” to better understand their emotions)
yoga pose cards
journal and pen
knitting or crocheting (for kids who know how to knit or crochet)

Big Life JournalBuy Now Lava Lamp Sensory Weighted Lap Pad Rescue Remedy Rescue Chewing Gum Bach Rescue Remedy Hard Candy Kids Yoga Challenge Pose Cards Instant Camera

If possible, provide a quiet area in the home or classroom that the child can go to use their calm down kit. This could be a corner with a bean bag chair or exercise ball to sit on. One thing to keep in mind when making an anti-anxiety kit for your child is to personalize it. One way to do this is to consider their sensory preferences (ie: a child who is sensory avoidant for auditory would prefer noise cancelling headphones in their kits whereas a child who is sensory seeking for auditory would prefer an audiobook or harmonica in theirs).

Another way to personalize the kit is to consider what interests your child has and include those. If your child loves dinosaurs, you could include this dinosaur chew necklace, this dinosaur squeeze ball, this dinosaur sensory slap bracelet, and this dinosaur fidget.

Creating a personalized kit for each child is also a great way for them to feel known and special. You can choose any theme that suits them.

Get printable calm down cards to include in your kit.

Read about how we use our calm down kit and other tips here:

Create Your Own Calm Down Kit for Children