Special Needs Parenting

How Special Needs Parents Can Best Support Each Other

Having a special needs child is different for every parent. No matter what your day looks like with your child, it’s important to seek support from other special needs parents. I know you already feel depleted and may be wondering what more you can give, but offering this kind of support will give more than it takes. Trust me. You have something invaluable to offer and by blessing others, you will in turn be blessed. I get it; it can be hard to support each other as special needs parents. However, you can be supportive of each other through experience, respect, and helping one another when you can. Being a friend is one of the best ways special needs parents can support each other.

How Special Needs Parents Can Support Each Other

Be Respectful of One Another

There are going to be different opinions about what’s best for your child or how to handle certain scenarios. We won’t always agree. Even though we have a lot in common as parents of children with special needs, we may also have some different philosophies, parenting styles, values, or ways of coping with or responding to something.

Even though you may not agree completely with another parent’s perspective or choices, keep in mind that we all know our own child and our own family best. By remembering that we all love our children and are making our choices from a place of love and protection, we can ensure that we respect the other person even if we don’t always agree with everything they do or say.

Just Be There

There is so much relief that comes in having someone who understands, who “gets it”. Just be there. You don’t need to have long drawn out conversations or solve each other’s problems. Just being present and each being able to be with someone who knows what you’re going through is often enough.

Get Together

I know this may be harder with special needs kids, however, it is so important. You need to remember that you are more than just a mom (or a dad). You need to laugh and have a few moments of forgetting your worries at the door. Getting out of the house and visiting another friend is always a special time because it reminds you that you’re not alone.

Go out for coffee, see a comedy or action movie (avoid the dramas – there is likely enough of that in your reality!), try something new like yoga or a pottery class, go for a dinner that you didn’t have to make (and clean up after!), attend a concert or a wine tasting, go for a long walk, it doesn’t matter what you do, just that you go and spend time with someone who can relate to your life.

Celebrate Their Kids and Yours!

No one knows how to celebrate their children and the milestones that they achieve more than special needs parents. One way special needs parents can support each other is by celebrating their kids. Celebrate those milestones, those birthdays, and those special moments. Be the family someone else can call on to celebrate the accomplishments of their special needs kids.

Be Available to Chat When Possible

A quick text or a phone call is sometimes all the support that a special needs parent needs. Having someone that can support you on the other side of the phone is always a nice feeling. Plus, when you’re both special needs parents, you both know that you’re going to need that support. Use technology to make that connection either whether it’s Facebook Messenger, texting, FaceTime, or email, stay in touch with the people who support you.

Be What They Need

Imagine the kind of friend you need and try to be that for the other person. And allow them to be there for you when you need them to be. There will be ebbs and flows, times when you are more in crisis mode and need support and times when you can breathe and they need you to step up.

Look for the positive. But allow the occasional pity party. Bring the chocolate!

It’s hard watching your child struggle. While most of the time, it’s helpful to point out the silver lining and keep your friend focused on the positive, there are moments when it’s ok to say “yep, this stinks.”

Be Honest with Each Other

There is no worse feeling than feeling like you’re alone and you are the only one in the world experiencing something hard. When it comes to supporting other special needs parents, try to be honest with each other. Let out your real feelings and don’t be afraid to discuss the hard stuff. Holding stuff in not only doesn’t give you the opportunity to process your emotions, it also doesn’t open the door for the other person to be able to have that “me too” moment. And that “me too” moment is about as healing as it gets!

If you’re looking to connect with other parents of kids with special needs, please join us in our Facebook group, Parenting in The Chaos and The Clutter.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

You may also find encouragement with these articles:

Special Needs Mama, You are Amazing!

Why Special Needs Moms Make Great Friends

12 Things That Special Needs Mom Needs From You

14 Things Your Special Needs Teen Needs to Hear You Say

By Sharla Kostelyk

Parenting a teen through the teen years can be challenging. Our responsibility as their parent is to encourage them as much as possible. Every child needs to hear they are special as much as possible. However, your special needs teen needs to hear you say positive things more often than anyone else.

As a mom of special needs teens, it’s HARD to always be upbeat enough to want to say something positive. I’m tired. Sometimes quite frankly, it’s hard to find positive things to say.

But our teens are depending on us to help them build their confidence and self worth. It’s amazing the power a few short words can hold. While all teens need to hear these words, teens facing additional challenges need to hear them even more.

What to Say to Your Special Needs Teen

#1. You inspire me.

If your child inspires you, then you need to let them know. Your special needs teen is inspiring and it’s time that they know that! Maybe it’s the way they face the challenges they have or what they have overcome. Maybe it’s their determination or their fighting spirit. Whatever it is that inspires you about them, tell them.

#2. It’s okay to have bad days.

Some teenagers don’t realize that their parents have bad days. Talk to your teenager and let them know that everyone has bad days, even you. Hearing this from you will help them in more ways than you can even imagine.

#3. You are brave.

Getting up every day is hard. Getting up every day when you are facing additional challenges is even harder. Let your special needs teenager know that they are brave. They are so brave and they inspire you!

#4. The world is a better place because you’re in it.

What does your child bring to the world? Your special needs teenager needs to know that they make the world a better place.

#5. You are valued.

When someone tells you that you are valued, it makes you shine inside. Your special needs teen needs to know that they are valued! They need to know that what they bring to the table is so important.

#6. I love you, but I also really like you.

Who doesn’t want to be not only loved, but also liked? Liking our children is important and believe it or not, they need to know they are liked.

Liking our children isn’t always easy because kids can be a challenge. Your kiddo may have challenging behaviours or teenage mood swings. However, our kids need to know that their parents love and like them unconditionally.

#7. You are wanted.

In a world that tells a lot of children that they aren’t wanted, I want my kids to know that they are wanted. If you’re the parent of a special needs teen, then they need to know they are wanted. This simple statement can go so far.

A few weeks ago, I took my middle daughter out on a mommy-daughter date and I was telling her about the day we got the phone call she had been born and how deeply she was wanted. As I recounted details like how one of her grandmas came to our house 4 times before she arrived “is she here yet?” and other moments from that special day, she was just beaming.

#8. Our family is better for having you in it.

A family is only a family because of who is in it. Your special needs teen needs to hear that your family is BETTER for having them in it. It wouldn’t be the same without them.

#9. I love the way you look at the world.

Your special needs teenager has a unique way of looking at the world. Let them know that you see it and appreciate it!

#10. I believe in you.

Everyone wants someone to believe in them. Tell your special needs teen that you do believe in them. You believe in who they are and what they can achieve.

#11. I really like how you helped your brother or sister.

Even a teen who is non-verbal or who has limited mobility can help siblings with their smile. It can be easy to look past how helpful a child with special needs can be.

#12. You did a great job with that!

Parents are their child’s biggest cheerleader. When you see your special needs teen doing a good job, tell them how wonderful they are doing.

#13. Can I give you a hug?

Your special needs teen may need a hug, but not know how to tell you. They may feel that they are too old to ask for physical affection, but still want it. Always tell them you are up for a hug anytime!

For kids who are sensory sensitive, you can change this to a high five.

#14. I’m so proud of the young lady or young man you are growing into.

Every teenager is going to grow up, whether we choose to believe it or not. If a teen is going to grow up and be successful, then they need to have all the support they can get. Be sure they know how proud you are of who they are becoming.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

You may also be interested in reading:

The Waves of Grief in Special Needs Parenting

What That Special Needs Mom Needs from You

Why Special Needs Moms Make Great Friends

Setting Up an Effective Morning Routine for School

By Sharla Kostelyk

The school year is back in session and many of us are trying to get our children out the door in the morning. I can’t even tell you how hard this is! This can be rough for kids, especially when transitioning back into a morning routine for school. They feel exhausted. Some kids have a hard time with the idea of being gone all day. You can help get your child out the door in the morning by following these tips:

Tips for Getting Your Child Out the Door in the Morning

Are you tired of fighting your child in the mornings? Morning routines can come with a lot of drama. However, there are some things you can do to take some of the stress out. You don’t have to be stuck in a rut of screaming and yelling to get your kids to listen to you. Here are some ideas for how you get your child out the door in the morning with less work on your part:

Going to Bed Earlier

According to studies, most kids are not getting enough sleep. Lack of adequate sleep can lead to problems with attention and focus, behavioural issues, drops in academic performance, and serious health issues.

You may feel as though your child can go to bed late and still wake up at a decent time. Pay attention to how your child does based on the amount of sleep they get. Experiment for a month and see if more sleep means easier mornings.

I know that an earlier bedtime can be a challenge, but on top of the health benefits, it can help them wake up feeling more refreshed in the morning. Note that it takes at least two weeks to establish a new habit, so you may not see changes right away when you implement a new bedtime. Be patient. In time, you may see that getting your kiddos out the door in the morning is easier than ever when they’ve had enough sleep.

Using Timers

Do any of your kids struggle with time management? If this is the case, then including a timer in your morning routine for school is a GREAT idea.

Some kids just need to know how much time they have. This is totally okay because each child has different motivators and using timers may work for your child in the mornings.

Instead of setting a timer for when they have to be out the door, set timers for smaller tasks such as ten minutes until their teeth need to be brushed and their face washed. Set another timer for them to “beat” for getting dressed and then another for breakfast and so on.

Visual Schedule

Visual schedules are such a great tool for kids. They allow kids to see what is coming next. They also give clear expectations about what needs to be done.

Having something visual to look at can keep kids on task, which in return can help kids get out the door in the morning.

Visual schedules were a game changer for us when it came to the kids’ morning routine. They were especially effective with our kids with special needs to break things into smaller tasks.

For a lot of kids, it’s easy to forget what they were doing if just told “get dressed”. If that same instruction is broken down into “underwear”, “pants”, “shirt”, “socks”, “shoes”, it is much easier to accomplish. But you’re busy too and don’t want to spend the morning nagging. This is where the visual schedule comes in.

Talk About Something to Look Forward to in the Day

Sometimes mornings are super rushed, which in return can take the fun out of the day. Talk to your child about something they have to look forward to in the day. Maybe you’re going to have a special lunch with them later that day. Perhaps a fun day at school is going to happen.

Giving your child something to look forward to helps them look ahead. Some children just need that excitement or that push to help them get out the door in the morning. You’d be surprised how much smoother a day can go when a child is focused on something that interests them.

Breathing Exercises

Do you have a kiddo that gets overwhelmed easily? Taking a deep breath is a great stress management tool. When your child starts getting overwhelmed or they just need a little help getting through the morning, bring out the breathing exercises.

A simple “in through the nose, out through the mouth” works if they are not yet agitated, but you may need to take a bit more time and walk them through some calm down breathing exercises.

Food

Brains don’t work well without fuel. Kids need food to function. Having them eat first instead of after they get dressed can make them do the other things on their list faster. It will also improve their mood and behaviour.

With everything happening on busy weekday mornings, it can be hard to come up with healthy breakfasts that are quick to put together or that can even be grabbed on the go in a pinch.

I like to use make ahead breakfasts so that they are in the freezer and ready to go.

Lay Out Clothes the Day Before

Sometimes kids struggle to make decisions in the morning, which can really put them behind schedule. A little trick that I learned in the start of my parenting years is to lay out clothes the day before.

This is so helpful because then the kids know exactly what they are going to wear the next day. Some of my kids even like sleeping in their school clothes the night before. This means they only have to get up, throw on some shoes, and be on their way!

Simplicity is best in some cases. As a parent, you need to know which battles are worth fighting and pyjamas are not a mountain to die on in my opinion.

If also helps to be sure that everything else is ready the night before such as backpacks, important papers, and school lunches. This small tweak in the morning routine for school will pay big dividends.

Thick Smoothies Through a Straw

This little trick of mine kills two birds with one stone. If you want to solve your kids being hungry and them being dysregulated or moody…Smoothies!

For kids who need a calming resistive sucking motion, thick smoothies through a straw is my go-to. This solves the hunger issue, the time issue, and helps keep your kiddo calm and focused. I make freezer smoothie bags ahead of time so they are fast to whip up.

Sensory Input

When mornings are stressful and you have a child that is struggling with sensory overload, focusing on sensory input can be important. Sensory input can come in a variety of forms. Throughout my years of parenting, I have found some sensory input that works great on the go.

Some of my favourites for my kids are listening to an audiobook on the way out the door. As mentioned before, straws give great oral sensory input. Send your child on a visual letter hunt in a book. This works great for kids who need visual sensory input.

Heavy work activities are a great way to start the day off regulated and calm.

Waking Up Earlier

Some kids just need extra time to get ready. One way to get kids to wake up earlier is to get them to bed earlier. You may find that your kids are easier to get out the door in the morning when they wake up earlier. This isn’t always easy, but it does work for some children.

Leave Plenty of Time

This goes along with the “waking up earlier” tip. Don’t forget to leave plenty of time for getting out the door in the morning. Try not to rush the kids with a short time period of getting ready.

Whether your kids take the bus to school or you drive them, there can be changes in timing. Note if there are reasons such as traffic, construction, or change in schedule that require you to leave the house sooner and adjust the morning routine accordingly.

I would love to hear your tips for getting your child out the door in the morning. What tips do you have to offer?

You may also find these articles helpful:

The After School Meltdown Strategy that really works

Calm Down Breathing for Kids

Create a Sensory Room on Any Budget in Any Space

By Sharla Kostelyk

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I have been wanting to create a sensory room for years. There were a few things that held me back. I had looked into the cost of some of the sensory equipment used in other sensory spaces and knew I couldn’t afford that. I was also worried about where to put it. The kids got older. I still saw the need for a sensory room. I knew that if I didn’t create one now, they would soon be grown. That prompted my decision to use a storage closet as the space. I began planning how I could make things myself instead of purchasing expensive equipment.

One day while at my daughter’s therapy appointment, we visited the sensory room there and I watched her mood transform. I knew we absolutely needed one at home. I had run out of excuses and knew it was time to just do it.

(photos courtesy of Shelley of STEAM Powered Family)

What are the benefits of a sensory room?

help a child feel safe
engage the senses and provide sensory input (sensory diet)
improve balance and coordination
work on fine and gross motor skills
support therapeutic treatment
better manage challenging behaviours
encourage exploration
increase sensory experiences and tolerance
build confidence
increased vocabulary and communication opportunities
improved caregiver relationship
reset mood
reduce stress

If you are worried that you don’t have enough room to make a sensory space, I’m going to tell you that it’s possible no matter how small your classroom or home is.

If you have no space at all to devote to a sensory area:

make a sensory board and store it under a couch, under a bed, or behind furniture to pull out when needed.
create a sensory box that is filled with fidgets and calm down tools.

If you have limited space to devote to a sensory area:

make a sensory corner in your classroom, playroom, child’s room, basement, or living room.
use a closet or storage room as the sensory room.
convert a shed or an area of the garage.

If your concern is more the cost, I have some awesome money saving tips for you.

I know that sensory rooms can cost thousands if the equipment is all purchased. For organizations who have those funds, that is a wonderful option. For the rest of us, there are ways to create a sensory room on a budget.

See a video tour of our sensory space:

What to include in your sensory room:

I took a look at the space that I had and took into consideration my kids’ needs and their individual sensory preferences and planned the room accordingly.

Sensory Wall

I knew that I wanted to include a sensory wall. It would be a place for them to explore different textures and colours and shapes. I had looked online and seen that sensory walls easily cost hundreds of dollars. Using a cork board and a bit of imagination, I was able to create ours for under $25 plus the cost of the cork board.

Read the full instructions on how to make your own sensory wall and get a list of other texture ideas that you can use.

Calm Down Corner

The room at my daughter’s therapy includes a fibre optic curtain corner area that she loves. The problem was that when I looked up the cost, it was nearly a thousand dollars. Yikes! But I had a vision for a calm down corner that included fibre optic lights that changed colour with a remote so that each child could choose the colour they found most soothing.

The solution? We bought these fibre optic lights and then one of my sons drilled holes in a board. He attached that board to another board and then we strung the light strands through the holes and set the board on top of a shelf so that it hangs down over the corner of the room.

I placed a bean bag chair under the fibre optic light curtain and a mermaid pillow on top of the bean bag chair. I also have a few “brain friendly” books sitting there in case one of the kids wants to read while they are in the calm down corner. There is a long mirror across from that corner. This is for two reasons. The first is that the room used to be a storage closet so it’s very small and the mirror helps it feel bigger. The second is that kids can use the mirror to monitor their breathing and facial expressions which can help them to self-regulate.

Fidget Box

I’m so in love with the box I found to hold fidgets for the room. It has all kinds of encouraging phrases on it including “Just Breathe”, “Help Others”, and “Enjoy the Journey”. It’s so perfect for this.

The box contains all kinds of fidgets including pencil toppers, Chewelry, glow in the dark sticks, stress balls, slime, putty, and lots and lots of fidgets.

Pea Pod Fidgets CuberSpeed Rainbow Ball Magic Pencil Topper Fidgets Meshballs Multi Fidget Pack TANGLE Original Fidget Toy Marble Fidget Toys Koosh Balls Munchables Owl Chew Necklace Munchables Unicorn Pendant Chew Sensory Teether Necklace Squishy Stress Relief Fidget

Shelf of Sensory and Calm Down Tools

I used a shelf that was already in the room and set items on top for the kids to use as needed. This includes a sound machine, the remote control for the fibre optic curtain light, a lava lamp, fibre optic lamp, plasma nebula ball, light up wand with sensory ends, liquid motion timer, and felt board.

On the felt board, I put the words “In Through Your Nose Out Through Your Mouth” as a reminder for my kids to do their calm down breathing.

Other Items in the Sensory Space:

Purple fuzzy throw rug – I bought it at WalMart.

Teal fuzzy large box with lid – This can double as a chair and it can hold books. I also put a few books on top that are designed to boost how kids see themselves.

Sensory Steppers – Kids can use these to touch, walk or stand on, or to sit on. They provide great sensory feedback.

Sensory Bin – I swap this out depending on what our current sensory bin is. You can see all our sensory bin examples here. You could also include sensory bottles or sensory bags.

Fiber Optic Curtain Light Lavender Polka Dot Bean Bag Chair Sensory Stepperz Lava Lamp Plasma Ball Fiber Optic Light Liquid Motion Bubble Timer Pink Felt Letter Board Conair Sound Therapy Machine Mermaid Sequin Pillow Light Up Wand

Join me for a free 5 part email series Sensory Solutions and Activities that has helped thousands of people and get your Sensory System Behaviours Easy Reference Cards.

You might also like:

How to Create a Calm Down Kit for Your Child

How to Make a Sensory Wall

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Hair Care: Tips for Kids with Sensory Struggles

By Sharla Kostelyk

Hair care can be torture for some kids with sensory issues. While all of us have sensory preferences, for kids with Sensory Processing Disorder or autism, having their hair washed, combed, or cut can go beyond just being unpleasant. I’ve put together a list of tips to help kids who struggle with sensory issues when it comes to their hair.

Lately, a lot of readers have been contacting me for advise about their child’s hair. I understand this concern well as one of our sons used to cower in the corner when he saw me reach for the hair brush. He would scream and beg me not to comb his hair.

Mornings became difficult for both of us. His beautiful curls became knotted if I gave in to his pleas not to comb it which only made it worse. And bath times were another battle ground as he hated the feeling of the water on his face when rinsing the shampoo off.

Obviously with his scalp being as sensitive as it was, there was absolutely no way he would allow a hairdresser near his head.

We got to the point where we just shaved his hair super short so that it didn’t have to be such a daily battle.

Since then, I’ve learned a lot about sensory and together, he and I have come a LONG way! He is a teenager now and actually enjoys getting his hair cut at the barber. He does prefer to keep it short still, but is happy to have it washed and cut.

A lot of sensory kiddos are super sensitive about having their hair washed, cut, combed or even touched. There are many reasons for this.

Sensory Reasons for Hair Struggles:

Vestibular – Some kids are sensitive to having their head tilted backwards or forward for rinsing when having their hair washed. Your vestibular system controls your body’s sense of balance and motion. Kids with vestibular issues can feel unsteady, uncomfortable, or even afraid when tipping their head.

Olfactory (Scent) – Your child may be sensitive to the smell of the hair products you are using on them.

Tactile – Many children with sensory issues have very sensitive scalps or are sensitive to touch in general from hands, brushes or combs, and even water. Water on their face, in their eyes, or having shampoo get in their eyes can be difficult for all kids, let alone ones with higher sensitivities. Tactile is the most common reason for problems with hair care in kids with sensory sensitivities.

Auditory – Some kids struggle with the sound of the clippers at the hairdresser or the sound of the water in a shower.

Tips for managing hair care and sensory needs:

Determine the root cause. Talk to your child and also make your own observations and see if you can determine what the biggest sensory issues are. That way, you’ll be tackling things accurately.
Acknowledge to them and to you that this is not a child being difficult. This is a real thing that is causing them real pain or discomfort. Doing this will give you more patience and empathy.
Wash their hair less often. Kids do not need their hair washed daily (unless your physician has given you a medical reason why your child does). Every third day should be sufficient unless they happen to play in the mud on the in between days. You can also use a dry shampoo for the days in between if you’re concerned about the cleanliness of their hair.
If shampoo is your main battle, skip the shampoo. Wash with water and a conditioner and use dry shampoo.
Give your child more control in the process. Allow them to choose their hair products. Let them smell shampoos and conditioners at the store and decide what they like or buy unscented. Let them comb and style their own hair.
Choose a low maintenance hair style for them. This was easier for me to do with my son than it was when one of my daughters had a hard time with having her hair combed and wanted it cut short, but I knew that “pretty hair” wasn’t worth the tears it would take every day to get there.
Don’t expect your child to hold still while you comb or style their hair. Give them a fidget to play with or a weighted lap pad. Let them play Lego or watch TV or both. It won’t be easy for you to comb hair on a moving target, but it will be less stressful if they are less upset.
Make changes. (see list below)

Try a different comb such as a Tangle Teaser or Wet Brush.
Try a bath rather than a shower or a shower rather than a bath.
Wash their hair in the sink rather than in the bath.
Try dumping water on their head using a Rinse Cup rather than having them tip their head back.
Have your child use a Bath Visor to avoid getting as much water on their face. You can also use this during haircuts to avoid pieces of hair getting on their face.
Allow your child to wear swim goggles or a snorkel mask in the bath or shower.
Be sure you are using an excellent detangler so that knots are not making the hair combing situation even worse.
Use a visual timer so that your child knows how long they have to “endure” having their hair brushed.

Rinse Cup for hair washing Bath Visor Dive Mask Swim Goggles Visual Timer Tangle Teezer Brush Wet Brush Dry Shampoo

A note about haircuts:

Our hairstylist comes to our house and used to cut our kids’ hair where they are comfortable while they play with toys or read or watch TV to distract them. If this isn’t possible for you, pass these tips along to your salon to help them be more sensory friendly.

You also may want to ask them about the calming clipper kit. This sensory friendly barber kit is made just for kids with sensory needs. You can also use it yourself at home where your child is most comfortable.

Biggest tip about hair and sensory needs:

As odd as this sounds, don’t work at all on trying to increase your child’s ability to handle having her head or hair touched. Leave the hair alone as much as possible and instead, focus on increasing other sensory activities: sensory play, heavy work, sensory input.

If you are working with an OT, ask them about dry brushing. This type of brushing is for the skin, not the hair, but is best under the care of an OT.

By increasing your child’s range of sensory experiences (sensory diet), it will eventually begin to be easier for them to have their head and hair touched.

Get a copy of Sensory Processing Overload Signs to print off and keep as a reminder here.

Social Emotional Developmental Milestones

By Sharla Kostelyk

Emotional regulation is many layered. One of the factors that comes into play is social emotional development. While this list is by no means comprehensive, I’ve put together some of the social emotional developmental milestones by age.

It is important to note that these ages are what is typical. They by no means apply to all children. Kids who are born prematurely, have early childhood trauma, are on the autism spectrum, or other special needs will be delayed in reaching these stages.

If you have a child with delays or special needs, ignore the ages in the list and instead look for the stage your child is currently at.

The reason I share this list is to help parents and caregivers determine what stages are best for beginning to introduce emotional regulation strategies.

Keep in mind that all children are unique and may not reach milestones at the same time or even in the same order.

Social Emotional Developmental Milestones:

2 months old

smiling
looking at caregiver
crying to have needs met
sometimes self-soothing by sucking on their hands or fingers

4 months

smiling spontaneously
develops an awareness of their surroundings
playing
beginning to imitate facial expressions

6 months

crying, smiling, or laughing in response to your emotions
enjoys looking at their own face in a mirror
differentiates between strangers and familiar faces

9 months

showing stranger anxiety
begins showing a preference for toys or comfort objects
may cry when caregiver leaves room
learns the meaning of a few words

12 months

has favourite people among those known to them
enjoys simple games like peek-a-boo
may show fear in new situations
may demonstrate anxiety around unfamiliar people
imitates sounds or actions

18 months – 2 years

more frequent temper tantrums
asserts independence
may get upset when not the center of attention
may become frustrated trying to communicate
engages in simple pretend play, imitates what adults or other children do
engages in side by side (parallel) play with other kids
does not understand what others think or feel

3 – 4 years

beginning to express a wider range of emotion
may confuse reality and make believe
can be spontaneously kind and caring
play with other kids in what is called cooperative play
separates from caregiver more easily
uses words to communicate needs
begins to share toys
can sometimes work out small conflicts with other children
not usually able to articulate emotions with words
may still have tantrums, particularly because of changes in routine or not getting what they want

5 – 6 years

understand others’ feelings and can be sensitive towards them
more aware of following rules
more conversational and independent
enjoys cooperative play with other kids
becomes aware of their gender
may prefer to play with peers of the same sex as them
will test boundaries, but they are still eager to please adults and help out
begins to experience and understand embarrassment
understands the difference between reality and make believe

7 – 8 years

more aware of the perceptions of others
trying to fit in
expanding their vocabulary including their emotional vocabulary
begins to understand death
may complain about friendships and the reactions of other kids
desire to behave appropriately, but aren’t as attentive to directions
trying to express feelings with words, but may still resort to aggression or tantrums when upset
greater awareness of their surroundings

9 – 10 years

concerned about rules which can lead to bossiness
cooperative play in group games or group settings
uses problem solving, negotiating, and compromising skills with peers
begins narrowing their peer group down to a few close friends
sportsmanship emerges
may begin to withdraw from family time or conversations to develop their own identity
are affectionate, goofy (think fart jokes and burping contests!), and curious
can be seen as selfish, rude and contrary (this is a stage when a lot of parents will comment “where did my sweet Sally/Billy go?”
may change emotions quickly
can express subtle emotion

11 – 15 years

moods and emotions are impacted by hormones
can show empathy
developing leadership skills
more logical thinking
begins to handle emotions like fear, frustration, rejection, and loneliness
can be introspective and moody
needs more privacy
values the opinions of friends and others sometimes over those of family
may test out new ideas, values, fashion styles, speech patterns, and mannerisms while trying to find where they fit in
begins to develop personal values
learning to make appropriate decisions to resolve peer conflict
understanding of consequences to actions

16 – 18 years

striving for independence
may start emotionally distancing themselves from parents
can be impulsive, moody, or self-centered
may also begin to look at how they can positively impact the world
shows pride in success
perhaps interested in dating relationships
may want to spend a lot of time with friends

Knowing when certain social emotional developmental milestones can be expected will help you in knowing when to focus on teaching emotion words, emotional regulation strategies, and social skills.

It’s helpful to know what expectations are reasonable. The most important thing to keep in mind is that all children develop at their own pace. These are only guidelines.

You may also find these milestone lists helpful as well:

Fine Motor Developmental Milestones for Ages 0-6

Developmental Milestones Chart

Developmental Milestones Tips and Resources

You may also be interested in these articles:

Books for Kids About Emotions