Relationships are both the most rewarding and most challenging thing about family. The relationship between a husband and wife, between siblings, or between parent and child are essentially what make up a family. Major life stressors, coupled with the everyday mundane such as chores, bills, teasing, boredom, and appointments can cause strains in those relationships. Even the most loving families can find themselves snapping at each other or just ignoring each other and growing apart.

As a mom, days can become scripted:

“Did you brush your teeth?”
“I think you need a shower today.”
“Say sorry to your brother.”
“Pick up your jacket.”
“Who did this?”
“The last time I checked, there was no one named ‘Not Me’ living here.”
“No, you cannot have ice cream at 8 in the morning.”
“Actually, that does not make me a mean mom. It makes me a mom who cares about your health.”
“Please stop arguing.”
“Can you please empty the dishwasher?”
“Did you remember to flush the toilet?”
“Get your shoes on…no wait…get your socks on first, then your shoes. We’ve got to get going.”
“We’re late.”
“What do you mean you forgot to put your hearing aids in?”
“We’ll turn around.”
“Stay with me when we get in the store.”
“No, you cannot stay in the van while I go in.”
“Stop bugging your sister.”
“I don’t know yet what’s for lunch but I’ll think of something.”
“Well where was it the last time you saw it?”
“I’ll help you look when I’m finished making lunch.”
“Calm down.”
“Take deep breaths…in through your nose and out through your mouth.”
“Give your brother back his pencil.”
“Put the cat down.”

And that’s just the morning…

When I really stop to think about what my kids are hearing from me the majority of the time, it’s not overwhelmingly positive or affirming. I don’t want their childhood memories to contain the background noise of a nagging mom.

While those reminders and corrections may be necessary, encouragements are even more critical. I want my kids to grow up hearing truths that uplift them. The quote about how as a mom, you will someday be the voice in your adult child’s head? I want that voice to be one that praises, not one that tears down.

Today I’m sharing with you two little words that have the power to transform your whole family. They have begun to forge new patterns of communication for us and changed the overall tone in our home.

“I appreciate…”

• I appreciate you speaking kindly to your sister.
• I appreciate you taking the garbage out this morning. That helps our whole family.
• I appreciate you.
• I appreciate your smile.
• I appreciate you helping me.
• I appreciate your giving heart.
• I appreciate that you did that without grumbling.
• I appreciate that I can count on you.
• I appreciate what you did for your brother.
• I appreciate how generous you are.
• I appreciate you taking initiative. When you saw a need, you jumped right in to meet it.

These two simple words are not effective only for your kids. They can do wonders for your marriage too! I don’t know of one wife or husband who wouldn’t want to feel more appreciated. And when the kids see mom and dad getting along better, they feel more secure, which helps them to make better choices, which cuts down on the conflict in the home. It’s a cycle.

Positivity is infectious. It spreads through a household slowly but as it takes on steam, it becomes stronger, and soon, it is affecting every relationship in the house.

Stick a Post-It note where you’ll see it. Put them up all over the house if you need extra reminders. Write on it: “2 words”. Don’t actually write what the words are so that your kids don’t catch on to your little experiment!

Every time you see the notes, think of something you can comment on that is positive and take the opportunity to do it right then.

At first, it may seem forced and unnatural, but if you commit to giving this challenge a try, you will find that as you are looking harder for the positives in your kids and your spouse, that will even transform your attitude. Add to that that when you do this consistently enough, your kids will begin mimicking you and finding positives to say to EACH OTHER and you will see a noticeable change in the air in your home. The tone will change as everyone begins to see more positives not only in each other, but also in themselves.

These words will begin to encourage your family members to make better choices as they see that their good behaviour and choices are being noticed and validated. They will realize the contribution they make and that it matters.

There will be less arguing, more cooperation and more initiative taken to serve the others in the family.  Since I started using these words with intention and purpose, I have seen that my kids are using them too. Not only are they speaking them to their siblings, but occasionally to me. My son, Einstein, said to me the other day, “Mom, I really appreciate all that you do for us. There’s no one I’d rather have as my mom than you.” It was a good moment.

I’m not saying that this is going to be easy. We have a large family including many children with special needs that include challenging behavioural issues. We have younger kids, tweens and teens. There are hard moments and hard days. Sometimes when too many hard days happen in a row, it can seem utterly overwhelming and I feel like I am failing at this mothering thing. But these two words, when I put them into practise and used liberally, are helping to turn things around. They are helping all of us to get out of the negative speaking patterns that we had become accustomed to.

Don’t believe that these two little words are as powerful as I’m saying they are?

Women, text your husband “I appreciate you working hard for our family.” or “I appreciate knowing that you are on this journey with me.”

Men, call your wife and say, “I appreciate all the work you do for our family. I may not tell you often enough, but what you do matters.”

Parents, look your child in the eye and say, “I appreciate who you are and what you add to our family. You are a treasure.”

I think you will have a positive reaction. Once you start using these two words more often, they will begin to fell more natural and the results will only compound. Give it a try and let me know what you discover.

 

Just as words have the power to transform, they also have the power to destroy. I’ve also written recently about the two words you need to stop saying today if you want to find happiness.

You might also be interested in reading:

I was 34 when my parents separated. I had a family of my own and was of course no longer living in their home, but it still affected me. A few years later, their divorce was finalized. I was surprised at the different emotions I felt and how much it impacted me.

Image Copyright: stockbroker / 123RF Stock Photo

If you have had this same experience, you no doubt know that it is hard. Even if it isn’t a shock, even if you think you have prepared yourself, it is still a stressful experience.

If secrets are revealed, it can cause you to question everything you know. If the foundation you based your life on isn’t what you thought it was, what can you trust?

My parents had celebrated their 40th Anniversary that summer. We had all gone up to the mountains for a weekend to commemorate the occasion. Between Christmas and New Year’s of that same year, it was over. They were my parents and though their marriage is not my story to tell, I will say that I was not shocked. In fact, I thought I had spent years preparing myself for the inevitable, but was surprised how much stress it caused for me when it was actually a reality.

For me, it brought up a lot of memories and emotions from my past. It also created some drama in the extended family which I had to work hard not to get sucked into. I felt that one side of the family pulled away from me as perhaps they felt that I had sided with one parent over the other. All of it caused a fair amount of hurt for me at the time.

I found it challenging to keep my mouth shut and let this be their thing. I felt sad about some aspects and then again, relieved about others. I thought about how I was now statistically more at risk for divorcing myself and then felt guilty about thinking so selfishly. I worried about each of my parents in different ways. I had to be careful what I said and to whom. I heard things I wished I could un-hear. I tried to support both of them and felt that I failed at it miserably. I then felt more guilt. I wondered if I was somehow the cause of their break-up. I felt silly for feeling things I thought only children whose parents were divorcing would feel. It was a hard time.

We navigated all the firsts that following year, feeling a bit like we were walking on thin ice and could crash through at any moment. Who do we invite to what? (still figuring that one out) What can we not say to whom? (very little to anyone) What do we tell our kids? (there were some funny and not-so-funny questions we’ve had to answer) How involved do we get? (we chose to keep quite a distance.) Do we invite both of them for Christmas or have two separate Christmases? How awkward is this going to be?

It was hard.

And here’s the thing…my parents’ divorce was rather amicable as far as divorces go. I am thankful that over the years, we have all gotten a bit better at this. They can come to the same events and they get along. They try not to put us in the middle or in uncomfortable situations. I know that it could be much worse. They have done a fairly good job in my opinion of making this as easy on us as they could have. I know that it is not always that way for others.

How To Deal With Your Parents Divorce In Adulthood:

1. Don’t underestimate or dismiss the impact it has on you. – Just because you are no longer living in their home does not mean that your parents’ separation will not affect you. Their marriage was part of your foundation and it is normal for you to feel shaken and unsure about things when it ends. It can even make you question some of your values and truths. It is a big change and it is normal to need to grieve.
2. Take time to grieve. – Take extra care of yourself and give yourself grace during this time. I may (or may not!) have gained a bit of weight during my parents’ divorce as I took to eating more chocolate!
3. Find someone you can talk to (who is not one of your parents!) about your feelings. – This is so important. While you are not the one getting divorced, it does impact you, so finding someone to talk to about what YOU are going through is crucial. I would recommend it not be one of your siblings because they are likely going through their own form of grieving and if you share certain things with them, it could get back to one of your parents and cause extra drama. It’s best to find someone more neutral such as your spouse, trusted friend or counsellor to confide in and vent to on the hard days.
4. Be sensitive to the situation and communicate clearly about holidays and family get-togethers. – Tread lightly when it comes to special occasions for the first while. Communication is your friend. Do not assume that just because there has always been a certain tradition, it will continue. Ask. Clarify. Give grace.
   (and a word of advice from personal experience, during that first holiday get-together, smile and nod and wait until you’re home and can talk to that trusted confidant before you break down!)
5. Don’t put yourself in the middle or allow yourself to be put there. – Each situation is unique and there are circumstances in which you may not have any choice but to put yourself in the middle if there is abuse or injustice occurring and you need to protect one parent, however, I urge you to use caution and common sense and will say that in most cases, it is advised to stay far away from the middle. Switzerland is where the adult child of divorcing parents wants to be!
6. Don’t compromise your integrity. Even though I just finished telling you not to put yourself in the middle and earlier said to find someone other than your parents to confide in, I am also going to say that if there is something that goes against your beliefs, it is ok for you to sit down and have a frank and honest conversation with one or both of your parents. You can love them but still let them know clearly that you do not agree with their choices. Having a one-on-one conversation with one of your parents about your feelings about their choices is not the same thing as putting yourself in the middle of their relationship.
7. Set up clear boundaries. You are an adult and may well have a family of your own. It is your duty to protect that family, so it is perfectly acceptable to set up boundaries for what you will allow in your home and in your life. Depending on the circumstances, you may have to choose to love one or both parents from afar if they are continuing to engage in choices that go against your values or that you don’t want to have your children exposed to.
8. Don’t throw out the good with the bad. When your parents divorce, it can bring into question the legitimacy of your childhood memories. It may taint those memories to learn what was really going on behind the scenes in your home. Don’t let it.
9. Find the good in each parent. Try to find the good in each of your parents. They each have their own sets of strengths and weaknesses. Try to achieve a level of understanding of who they are based on how they were raised and their life challenges. To villainize one of your parents may be natural during something like this, but can also cast a shadow on how you view yourself.
10. Find the blessings. As with most challenging things in life, there are blessings if you look for them. They may not be apparent right away. Perhaps it will bring healing for old wounds, perhaps a closeness with your siblings, perhaps more honesty in your own marriage or wisdom down the road when a close friend is going through the early days of her parents’ separation. It may even allow you to discover things about yourself you didn’t know were there!

These books and resources may be helpful for you:

The Way They Were: Dealing with Your Parents’ Divorce After a Lifetime of Marriage

Adult Children: Secrets of Dysfunctional Families

Adult Children of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Break-Up and Enjoy Love, Trust and Intimacy

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome: A Step by Step Guide to Discovery and Recovery