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Adoption

A Letter to my Other Children

By Sharla Kostelyk

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I just said “no” to one of you when you asked about having a friend over tonight to camp out in our backyard. I wish I could have said “yes”. That’s one of those fun childhood things that I want you to be able to do. Sometimes I push past what I think I can handle and say “yes” because the guilt of all the no’s weighs on me.

A Letter to my Other Children - "I want you to have as normal a childhood as possible. I want you to giggle and be carefree, but a carefree childhood is not something I can provide you with."Image Copyright: gorosi / 123RF Stock Photo

I want you to have as normal a childhood as possible. I want you to giggle and be carefree, but a carefree childhood is not something I can provide you with. I look at you and I wonder if we did the right thing when we added two more children to our family who had experienced trauma. That trauma now plays itself out in our kitchen and our dining room and our van and our yard. It ebbs and it flows, but it is always simmering underneath the surface, ready to explode. We are all always on edge.

Sometimes that trauma plays itself out in front of your friends and you get embarrassed. Sometimes you stop inviting other kids over because of what they might see or hear. That makes me so sad. I want you to have deep friendships and I want our house to be the place you can hang out. I wanted to be the mom who got to know all of your friends but most days, I feel like all I can give is to my own kids and there is nothing left for anyone else.

Sometimes I wonder if I ruined things for you because the version of me you get now is so different than the version of me you got before. It seems that everything in our life and our family is divided into ‘before’ and ‘after’.

The version of me you get now is almost always tired and weary and a bit beaten down. I want to say “yes” to the playdates and field trips, but I’m just so exhausted. I want to be able to plan fun outings and fun activities, but I now live in a world where everywhere I step is a minefield and I cannot predict what days will be “safe” and what days won’t be.

I want to be that mom who stayed up late decorating the birthday cakes and sat down on the floor with you playing or laughing or dreaming, but that mom is gone now and I don’t know how to get her back.

I’m sorry that sometimes the trauma gets the best of me too and I snap at you or yell at you or don’t have patience with you. I’m sorry that I don’t let you stay up late with me anymore to have pyjama parties or bake. At the end of each day, this thing we are in has taken so much out of me that I just have to turn off being a parent and have some time to myself. And I have to protect that time as if my life depends on it because it feels like it does. My sanity does anyway.

I’m sorry that you are not allowed to whistle anymore. Whistling should be fun, but it now triggers my own PTSD and so you have to miss out on whistling too.

I never wanted to put you in a position of having to hear the things you do or of jumping in to try to defend your mom and then getting in trouble because that’s not your job. I know it’s hard for you to hear and see the things you do and not say anything. I love that you want to protect me. I love that you care. But you have to let me be the parent and let yourself be the sibling.

When I see you with your earbuds in and your music turned up to drown it out, a part of me cries for your reality. I know that it is not just me who is living this. It is you too.

I wish that I could take this from you, that I could snap my fingers or pray hard enough and there would be instant healing for your brother and sister, but I can’t fix this. As a parent, you want to protect your children, to fix the hard things in their life. Not only can I not fix this for you, in a way, I’m the one who brought it into your life. The guilt of that weighs on me too.

kids at zoo

You sometimes say that I don’t know what it’s like to be you and that I don’t know how hard it is, but precious one, I do. I do. I shield you as much as I can from the worst of it, but I know that it’s hard. That’s why I try to make sure that you have some breaks from it and some times of getting to just be a kid.

Being the sibling of someone with special needs is not an easy role, but it is one that I have watched you grow into. I see that now you have more compassion with others, more patience, more resilience, more perseverance. My pride spills to overflowing when I watch you with younger children or watch you handle some of the situations you confront with grace that people twice your age would struggle with. I see how God is working these challenges to mould you and give you a heart for those who are hurting. I watch in awe as you reach out to help others and it is in those moments that I know…

Bringing these siblings into our home didn’t ruin you, it shaped you. You have seen that people that are the hardest to love are the ones who need the love most. You have reached out in love again and again even after being rejected. You have learned to stand up for others and for what is right. You are an excellent friend because you are an encourager and a listener and a giver.

You have had the privilege of being a first-hand witness to some of the tiny miracles that have happened over the years and I pray that you never forget that miracles are possible. You have seen the depth of love parents have for their children as you have seen your dad and I advocate for you and your brother and sister and never give up on them. You have seen the goodness of others as our friends and family have lifted us up during our hardest times. I hope you come to learn that often the hardest things in life are also the most worthwhile.

I love you like crazy muffins and I am so thankful for each one of you!

~Love, mom

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope to parents.

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Filed Under: Adoption, Parenting in the Chaos, Special Needs Parenting

Kindness for the Win!

By Sharla Kostelyk

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Last week, our son experienced a scary and disturbing incident where not only did four unknown older boys gang up and throw rocks at him, they also flung a racial slur at him as well that hurt far worse than rocks ever could.

You can read the full incident here. I wrote about it that night because I was so upset that I couldn’t sleep and I often process things better through writing.

The following day, I posted the article on my blog and people began to share it on their Facebook pages. It spread quickly, particularly locally and strangers sent messages of support and love.

Kindness for the Win (a story of love overcoming hatred)Mothers and fathers responded by saying that what happened inspired them to have an honest discussion with their kids about racism. For many, it was the first time they had spoken about this topic to their kids. Some of them read what I wrote to their kids directly and talked about how racism is never okay and even addressed what to do if you see it happening to someone. That meant so much to us.

I read many of the comments and private messages I received to my son and at one point, he said to me, “mom, if this had to happen to somebody, I’m glad it was to me because my mom’s a writer and now people are going to know that this isn’t ok”. It was a humbling moment for me to see just how beautiful my boy’s heart is.

The day of “the incident”, my son had also lost money from his pocket that he had been planning on spending at the bookstore and the chain on his bike had broken.

After reading about what happened to him, our community stepped up to show him that he is loved and that the hatred that he experienced that day is not shared by the majority of people.

One woman who read about his experience arranged with the bike shop to pay for his chain to be replaced.

Another anonymous woman who has never met our family (to my knowledge anyway!), gave him a beautiful card and a gift card to Starbucks and a gift card to the bookstore.

A friend of mine shared our story with one of the councillors for the County that we live in and he spoke to me over the phone and offered to help in any way he could. He also arranged to have me bring the kids in for a tour of the County government offices.

When we arrived, we were treated like royalty. He, along with our division councillor met with us in a boardroom (the kids loved the fancy chairs that could ride up and down and spin around!) and shook our kids’ hands and sat them down to chat. They explained that what happened to him is unacceptable and expressed how impressed they were at how he had handled it and gave their sincere apologies at what he had gone through. They reiterated that what was expressed that day is not how most people in our community feel. They presented him with gifts including gift cards to the bookstore, a book, a bluetooth speaker, and a handwritten card from the Mayor. They were incredibly gracious.

We were then taken on a tour of both the new and old Council Chambers and the kids got to sit in the chairs of the Mayor and councillors and have a debate about whether we should have apple pie or pumpkin pie for dessert before putting it to a vote. This of course made my homeschool momma heart soar with satisfaction as surely this counted as our homeschool field trip for the week!

kids touring Council ChambersI would like to say “thank you” to all those who have reached out to show my son that people care. Your words whether through private messages or public comments or emails or phone calls mean a lot to us.

Thank you to those who took something bad and used it for good by having a conversation about racism with your family.

Thank you to those who did something to demonstrate to our son that he is loved and that he is worth something. It touched our hearts.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

It’s hard to believe it’s only been one week since “the incident” happened. In some ways, we are forever changed, not just because we lost a bit of our innocence that day, but also because we’ve been so moved by the response.

Last Tuesday, our family and more specifically, our son, experienced hatred and saw a glimpse of evil. But love trumps all.

Strangers and friends banded together to show our son that he is loved and worthy of respect. Our community demonstrated that love is stronger and that one person at a time, hearts can be changed. Parents got the conversation started with their children. People showed generosity and grace. Love flooded in.

Kindness wins.

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Filed Under: Adoption, Parenting in the Chaos

They Called My Son the ‘N’ Word

By Sharla Kostelyk

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He came to us last night, asking if he could go into work today with his daddy to ride his bike around town. I arranged for him to go visit a friend of his this morning and then he could enjoy some freedom as he periodically checked in at my husband’s office the rest of the day. He had plans to buy himself lunch and maybe stop at the bike park. He also wanted to go to the bookstore, one of his favourite places in the world and spend some of the hard earned money he had made helping my brother-in-law build a deck.

This morning, they loaded his bike onto my husband’s vehicle and he set off for his adventure. Things started to go sideways when his $20 fell out of his pocket on the way to his friend’s. He retraced his steps but was never able to find it, so his plans for choosing a brand new book went out the window. It was because of this that he decided to forgo the bookstore and head for the bike park.

They called my son the 'n' wordIt’s usually pretty empty midweek but today when he arrived, there were four teen boys there, older than he is. They were fighting among themselves and he heard them saying the ‘f’ word to each other, so he knew enough to steer clear.

He was riding up and down the jumps, enjoying the new bike he just won a week ago in a draw when they directed their attention at him. They swore at him and accused him of spraying dirt in their direction. He ignored them and rode further away. And then the words came, “What the f*@& are you doing, you N******?”.

Typing that made me almost throw up.

You see, this is a day that I had tried to prepare for, in the way that you prepare for a tragedy or freak accident, knowing that it could happen, but thinking that it will never happen to you, to your family.

I had told my boys, all four of them, but my black sons in particular, about racism. I had had “that talk” with them, bawling my way through it when Trayvon Martin was killed.

Earlier this week when mothers lost their children and children lost their fathers and mothers in the church shooting in Charleston in an act that can only be described as racism, I wondered again how to explain to my children the hatred in this world.

Today, my gentle giant saw that hatred first-hand. After those boys yelled at him and swore at him and called him the ‘n’ word, they picked up rocks and threw them at him. A group of four older teen boys were throwing rocks at my 13 year old, there by himself.

The momma bear in me is so angry and I wish I had been there to protect him, but what can you say to change the minds of those so corrupted by hatred that they would even dare to whisper that word?

So when my sweet son told me what had happened, his bottom lip quivering until he could no longer contain the tears, I held him standing in a parking lot and cried with him. I told him that he is made in the image of God, that the colour of his skin is no accident, but nor does it define him. I told him that those boys were ignorant, unaware of the truth, that I was angry and sad all at once. That when I thought about the hatred that they held in their hearts, it made me want to weep.

Later, when we had gotten home when he had calmed down somewhat, he told me the rest of the story. Like how scared he had felt and how after he left the bike park, he broke the chain on his brand new bike and how it was such a bad day, the kind where every little thing (and every big thing) seems to go wrong. From losing his money to the broken chain, to not having enough money to have the chain fixed to what those boys did and said to him, it had been a hard, hard day.

I told him how wrong what had happened to him was. I told him that we had to stand up for what was right to try to help others who would come after him. I called the police.

My boy, my boy who has Aspergers and who has a hard time articulating himself and who gets flustered when people ask him his name became so nervous about the police coming to talk to him that he could hardly breathe. But he agreed that it was the right thing to do. He was brave. I’m so proud of him. It’s always such a privilege to be his mom.

They called my son the ‘n’ word and I can only cry for them tonight, cry that they were taught to hate, cry that they saw my son’s skin colour and not his heart, cry that they thought that skin colour made him less than them when maybe it will make him more because of what he will have to overcome.

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Filed Under: Adoption, Special Needs Parenting

Traveling with a Child Who has Anxiety

Traveling with a Child with Anxiety…suggestions to make things easier on everyone.

By Sharla Kostelyk

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I began writing this on the home stretch of a three week road trip with six of our kids. Two of them have anxiety disorders. While I’m certainly not a professional in this area, over the years, we’ve done a fair amount of traveling and have discovered some thing that are helpful.

Traveling with a child who has anxiety can be challenging. Hopefully some of these suggestions will help your next trip go more smoothly for your entire family!Hopefully some of these suggestions will help your next trip go more smoothly for your entire family!

Tips for traveling with a child with anxiety:

Routine.

When traveling, it is impossible to hold to the same routine that you have at home. There are aspects of the routine that you can try to keep as close to normal as possible. While you may not be able to keep mealtimes on the same timeline as at home, you can ensure that you have a snack on you at all times and set an alarm on your watch or phone so that each day at snack time, they get a little something to eat. You can do this whether you are on an airplane, in a car, on a bus, at an activity, or in a hotel room at that time of day.

Bedtimes will likely be at erratic times even if you try for them not to be. You may not have as much control over the time of this, but you can still control some of the routine that happens. If you usually have story time at home before bed, take this habit with you on the road.

On this trip, I brought a read-aloud and read one chapter a day to the kids. We also stuck to our usual bedtime routine when tucking the kids in. We asked them about their day and prayed with them before tucking them in.

Morning routines are a bit easier to stick to while on vacation. Have your child do things just as they would at home…eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, make bed.

Keeping as much routine as you can will help lower anxiety and keep some sense of normalcy while your child is away from their usual environment.

Bring comfort items.

Be sure to bring a few things from home that your child considers comfort items. These are most often items such as a blanket or a special stuffed animal.

I also bring some items from our daughter’s anti-anxiety kit such as her relaxation prompts and sound therapy machine. I keep things like fidget toys handy at all times. We keep several of our homemade sensory balls in the vehicle for road trips.

Preparation.

The more prepared a child is for a situation, the more in control they will feel most of the time. It is often the unknown that contributes to higher levels of anxiety. Just as you would give warning at home before a change in activity to prepare them, it is wise to do this while traveling.

I suggest starting as far in advance of the trip as you can. While not all of our trip was mapped out before we left, I took all the places I knew we would be going to for sure and wrote them onto calendars for my kids. We then researched those places. I showed them pictures of each of the attractions we would be going to and gave them the chance to ask any questions they had.

An example would be that in San Francisco, we were planning to visit Alcatraz. I showed them pictures of Alcatraz on the computer, showed them pictures of their dad and I in Alcatraz in a scrapbook (this made it seem much safer to them). I explained that in order to get to it, we would have to take a short ferry ride. I answered their questions about all aspects of that activity.

Travel with a Child with AnxietyA common question that our youngest daughter had about many of the activities I prepared her for was if we might lose her there in the crowd. I gave her an answer specific to that location. An example is that at Disneyland, the staff always asks how many people there are in your party so that they can get you on the ride at the same time and you don’t get separated. We also chose a meeting place for every location that we visited.

Communication.

I tried to do a check-in each day on our trip of how the kids were feeling. The days that we got in too late for that to happen, we usually paid for it the next day, so I would say that communication is key.

We prepared them for what the day following would hold and then debriefed about the day we had just finished and shared any worries they had for the following day.

Anticipate meltdowns.

No matter how much you try to prepare and communicate, there will still likely be meltdowns and fight or flight moments when taking a child who suffers from anxiety into a different environment and out of their routine.

Watch their cues. You more than likely will have some idea that a meltdown is coming before it occurs and you may be able to head it off at the pass. Try these suggestions:

  • redirect
  • avoid triggers
  • feed regularly
  • plenty of sleep
  • if they feel a lack of control=give choices

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

 

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Filed Under: Adoption, Parenting in the Chaos, Special Needs Parenting

My Victim Impact Statement

By Sharla Kostelyk

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Today my Victim Impact Statement was read in a courtroom that I was not present in. At the time that it was being read, I was halfway across the country, reading my kids a chapter book in our dining room while we had a tea party complete with cute little tea sandwiches. It’s hard for me to reconcile those two things.

My Victim Impact Statement on behalf of my children

No one ever wants to be a victim and no parent ever wants their children to be one. In my case, I wrote my statement because while I was a victim, the real victims in this case were two of my children. As their mom, it’s up to me to stand up and represent them because they are not yet old enough to do it themselves.

The sentence in the case has been handed down and I am left wondering if any sentence would have brought closure. While certainly it can be said that the result of the court case was disappointing, I have been playing out different outcomes in my head and trying to imagine how each would feel and not one seems to take away the sting.

Now that the legal portion of this case is over, nothing in our everyday life changes. We continue to be affected daily by the behaviours and fears of our children as a result of the trauma they endured. I don’t know if there is a way to find justice for that. House arrest seems like a far cry from justice though. (her full sentence details are here)

a bit of backstory for those not familiar with our story. It’s long and complicated, so long and complicated in fact that I wrote a book about it!

But the very short version is that in 2009, the adoption agency, Imagine Adoption, that we were using for our Ethiopian adoption went bankrupt, stranding two of our kids in Ethiopia at their orphanage. The orphanage had been running out of food for at least six weeks, the staff had not been paid, there was no money for gas or medical care for the kids. Our kids had gone hungry (one small meal of a simple grain a day for six weeks), were scared and confused and when we found out, it was five months before we were supposed to get our visa to allow us to bring them home so we had to fight to get them home.

Unfortunately, the bankruptcy occurred amidst rumours of corruption and fraud, in particular by the woman at the head of the agency, Susan Hayhow. We had entrusted her with the care of our children and she used the money (ours and the money of others) to pay for personal expenses such as cosmetic surgery, luxury cars, trips, home renovations, high end clothing, and a horse. It’s hard to feel at peace with my son not getting medical attention for a serious cut on his face and our son and daughter starving when I think about those purchases.

My Victim Impact Statement on behalf of my children

This is a portion of the Victim Impact Statement that I gave the court in the criminal case against Susan Hayhow: (The first part of the statement dealt with specifics about our children’s ongoing therapies, trauma and the financial impact on our family so I have left that part out.)

The term “victim impact statement” is a hard one to swallow. As a parent, you want to do everything in your power to ensure that your children are never victims. Ironically, in trying to save the lives of two children in Ethiopia, I entrusted the person about whom I am now composing this victim impact statement for their safety.

My children will not be victims forever. They will be victors. We will focus on the amazing miracles that came from what could have been a far worse tragedy: the 43 children who came home to their new families and the more than one hundred who have come home since because of the determination and strength of truly amazing people who ensured that Imagine Adoption would rise from the ashes.

On behalf of my still hurting children, E. and S. I would like to say to Susan Hayhow: “I forgive you. I hope you rise above your past decisions and do something to truly pay back the families and children who were hurt by your actions. Pay us back by making a positive impact. Do not allow the suffering our children went through to be in vain. Your life is not over with this sentencing. There is still time to take what you have learned and make different choices. Choose good over evil. Choose love over hate. Choose right over wrong. Choose people over greed. Be the person we thought you were when we entrusted our precious children to you. I would like to someday be able to tell my children that due in part to their forgiveness, you have been able to move on and serve the community and that you will never hurt anyone again. Live a life worthy of that.”

Things No One Tells You About International Adoption

That These Two Will Live by Sharla Kostelyk

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Filed Under: Adoption, Parenting in the Chaos

7 Things No One Tells You About International Adoption

By Sharla Kostelyk

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Before we adopted internationally, we had adopted three times. We had already experienced transracial adoption and special needs adoption and to some extent, we thought we knew what we were doing. We didn’t expect there to be too many surprises. Were we ever in for a shock!

7 Things No One Tells You About International AdoptionImage Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

I am aware that every situation is different and there may be things on this list that do not apply to your circumstances. I know that some of these could also apply to other types of adoption. I have compiled this list through a combination of my own experiences and the conversations I’ve had with many other adoptive moms.

In no particular order, here are the things that no one tells you about international adoption:

1. It might be just as hard (or harder) for you to attach to your child than it is for them to attach to you.

There are countless books and articles on promoting attachment with your newly adopted child but the majority of those focus on how to get the child to attach to you. Attachment is of paramount importance in adoption but what few people talk about is that attachment may not come naturally for you, particularly when adopting an older child.

You may even find yourself resenting this child that you have waited for and longed for and prayed for. You may find yourself wishing for the life you had before the adoption. You may find yourself having a hard time even liking this little person who has taken over your home and may be displaying difficult behaviours. This then can lead to guilt and helplessness.

Did you know that there is such a thing as Post Adoption Depression and that not only is it real, but it is as common as Postpartum Depression? Post Adoption Depression can make attachment to your adopted child even more difficult.

I hope that just by identifying these things, I can help others who feel them know that they are not alone and that having these feelings does not make them a bad parent.

For me, attachment came instantly with the children who were placed with us as babies and it even came instantly with one of our internationally adopted children even though they were considerably older, but it took more time with the other. It was something I wrestled with and spent far too much time feeling guilty about. I wish someone had told me that it was perfectly normal and didn’t make me a bad person.

2. Your kids will not be grateful.

Your child may well have needed a family. They may have had a very bleak future had you not adopted them, but this does not mean that they will be thankful or express gratitude. In fact, they may express the exact opposite. They may hate or resent you for taking them from their home, their culture, their language, and everything that was familiar.

They may (or may not) initially appreciate things like clean drinking water, abundant food options and safety, but the novelty will wear off quickly and you will likely soon find that they are complaining about the food just like any other child their age in our society would.

Do not expect gratitude from your child about being adopted. They did not ask for the life they have. If given the choice, they would most likely choose to not have had the circumstances that brought about the necessity of their adoption in the first place.

3. People will judge you.

I know that people judge others for all kinds of things, but for some reason, international adoption seems to bring out the naysayers.

During our adoption, our case was in the media spotlight and we were accused of all kinds of not-so-kind things, but even after the media attention died down, there were strangers, acquaintances and even some friends and family who felt the need to have their objections and opinions heard.

Among the most common was being angry that we wouldn’t just adopt the kids in our own country that need homes (we had done that three times already, but even if we hadn’t, the kids in other countries who need families are no less deserving of having a family than the children here). Other common comments were in regards to adopting trans-racially, spending money on the paperwork for the adoption when we could have given that money instead to the country our children were born in, and just adopting because it was trendy (that one is laughable and counter to all the statistics available!).

While I could write an entire article on each of the objections we heard and my response to those, the point of this article is to inform those considering adoption that they are likely to have this happen to them as well. We lost friends. It hurt.

And of course, then there are the hilarious questions we hear from strangers when we go out in public!

4. You will sometimes question if you did the right thing.

Since completing our international adoption more than five years ago, we have continued to educate ourselves about ethics in adoption and more specifically, the adoption ethics in the country we adopted from and this has sometimes caused us to wonder if we did the right thing.

Also, our entire family, including our other five kids, have been forever changed due to some of the challenges that have come into our home due to our internationally adopted children’s attachment and trauma issues. It has not been easy and sometimes we have questioned if we did the right thing by our other kids by taking this on. That’s a pretty hard thing to admit to.

I do, however know from other moms who have opened up to me that those feelings are not uncommon. It’s okay to question if you did the right thing.

Most days, I look at our kids and the tremendous progress they’ve made and all the potential they have and the opportunities ahead of them and I am thankful.

Things No One Tells You About International AdoptionImage Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

5. International adoptions are not necessarily closed adoptions.

People express to me often that one of the reasons they are considering international adoption as opposed to domestic adoption is that they do not want ongoing contact with birth family. It is a myth that international adoption means that it is a closed adoption. While some international adoptions are closed on paper, many of the adoptive families I know have some form of contact with the birth families or orphanages in their child’s home country.

While there are certainly circumstances where any amount of openness in the adoption would be harmful for the child, in many cases, having ongoing contact with birth family can be a positive.

I don’t want to share much of our story in regards to this because the story belongs more to my children than to me, so I will speak in generalities. I can say that I’ve been surprised at the number of families that have found a way to have contact with their child’s birth family even in international adoption.

In international adoption, the children adopted tend to be older, therefore, some have memories of time spent with birth family. Like all children, they love their birth family and once they are far away in another country, that love does not end. This can cause them to worry. Contact through letters or pictures or even e-mail or phone calls when possible can ease some of that worry. Contact with birth family can answer questions your child has and can help them to feel connected rather than having that tie completely severed.

6. RAD, PTSD, FASD, and SPD could be a reality for you regardless of where you adopt from, how old your child is at the time of the adoption, and what background information you are given.

Another thing that is often expressed to me by those who are interested in pursuing international adoption is that they are trying to avoid the likelihood of their child having FASD. (FASD is fetal alcohol spectrum disorder and occurs when a mother consumes alcohol during her pregnancy.) While there are countries where the likelihood of FASD is lower than in North America, the effects of malnutrition or early trauma on the developing brain can be just as devastating. There are also countries where the risk of FASD is even higher than it is here.

RAD is Reactive Attachment Disorder and although many are aware of the potential for this in adoption, they are sometimes told things like that it does not happen with children from a particular country (I fell for that one!) or with children who are below a certain age (others I know have fallen for that one). RAD is a very serious illness that affects an entire family and is not always “curable”.

PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Until we were parenting two children with it, I had no idea that children could have this.

SPD stands for Sensory Processing Disorder and is extremely common in all adoptions for a variety of reasons.

Just like when someone has a biological child, there are no guarantees in adoption that your child will be healthy. Even in cases where the paperwork says your child was not prenatally exposed to drugs or alcohol or was not abused or was not neglected and has no special needs, this may not be the case. In international adoption, even the age that the paperwork says your child is may not be accurate.

It is best to research common adoption issues prior to any adoption and go into it with your eyes wide open.

7. You will question your sanity and your ability regularly.

Parenting a child that comes from another country, another culture, who may have a trauma history (beyond the obvious trauma of losing their birth family and being taken to another country where everything is unfamiliar) is not for the faint of heart. There will be days when you question your sanity. There will certainly be days where you question if you are the right person for this job.

I question my qualifications for this daily. I know that God put them here for a reason and that He thinks that I am the right mom for them, even if I sometimes often doubt my abilities.

While these are the hard things that no one tells you about international adoption, there are also the 7 things that no words can truly express:

  • how much you will grow as a person
  • that you will find strength you didn’t even know you possessed
  • how in fighting for your child, you will also find yourself admiring them for all they have gone through
  • how in your abilities being stretched, your heart will be stretched also
  • how one day you will wake up and accept that your new normal is okay too
  • that children are more resilient than we ever dreamed possible
  • how you will realize that helping this child to heal is part of your purpose here on Earth.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Helping a Child Through Trauma

Recognizing the Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder

What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child with RAD

10 Strangest Adoption Questions We’ve Been Asked

What Does Behaviour Have to do with Sensory Systems?

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