The Chaos and the Clutter

Parenting in the Chaos

5 Things to Say to Your Anxious Toddler

a brown haired father is holding his blond daughter. The text reads "5 Things to Say to Your Anxious Toddler"

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Knowing how to help your little one through their feelings is hard. Anxiety is tough as an adult, so you can imagine how difficult it would be for a 2 or 3 year old to outwardly express their anxiety.a brown haired father is holding his blond daughter. The text reads "5 Things to Say to Your Anxious Toddler" If your toddler is struggling with anxiety, there are some helpful things you can say. Anxiety can sometimes be a healthy emotion, as long as it is not experienced in excessiveness.

If anxiety is left unchecked, then it can lead to excessive fear and worry. If you have a toddler who is anxious, you will need some tools in your emotional toolbox to help them out.

What to Say to Your Anxious Toddler

As humans, we say a lot of WRONG things. When it comes to your toddler and their anxiousness, it’s important that you say the RIGHT things. Here is what to say to your anxious toddler:

“I AM HERE TO LISTEN”

I know that you may want to tell your child what to say and think right now, but they may just need to know you are listening.

Whether they are crying tears or speaking gibberish, they may just need you to listen. You can tell your anxious toddler that you’re here to listen!

“LET’S DRAW IT”

What if your toddler cannot put into words how they feel? You can say 3 simple words and those words are “let’s draw it.”

When your toddler has a chance to draw what they’re feeling, amazing things are happening. They are learning to work through their emotions. Also, they may forget about what is making them anxious.

Drawing is such a good tool in helping your anxious toddler work through how they are feeling. Give it a try!

You can also have them shape their emotions out of playdough using something like these Emotions Playdough Mats.

“WHAT IS SOMETHING WE CAN DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?”

What if there was one thing you could do to help your toddler not feel as anxious?

One thing you can do is ask a question. That question is “what is something we can do to make you feel better?”

You know your toddler best. What is going to help them feel less anxious?

  • Maybe it’s watching their favourite show
  • Or being held as you sing
  • Maybe it’s holding and snuggling their favourite stuffed animal
  • Or perhaps it’s holding your hand

Let your toddler decide what will make them feel less anxious! Give it a try.

“How Do You Feel?” or “HOW DOES THIS WORRY MAKE YOU FEEL?”

Although, this may seem like a simple question, it’s a big question to an anxious toddler.

Asking your toddler how they feel or how their worry makes them feel is important. This validates that your toddler has a big feeling.

Feeling anxious is not fun. Talking to your toddler and helping them understand how anxiety makes them feel is vital to their development.

Toddlers may not yet have the vocabulary to express their feelings. It is so important to give them those skills. You can find some hands-on activities and ideas in our Teaching Emotions Toolkit. 

What could possibly make a toddler feel anxious?

  • New routine
  • New setting
  • An activity they don’t like
  • Yelling
  • Stress

Talk to your toddler about their anxiousness and their worry.

“WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP YOU GET CALM?”

The thing about being an adult is that most adults know how to calm themselves down. Toddlers need a lot of help.

Just like you have to parent toddlers with everything else in their life, you need to help them with this aspect as well.

If your toddler is feeling anxious, then it’s important to give them options to calm down.

Here are some ideas:

The calming down technique may be custom to your toddler. It may take a while to figure out something that works, but you can do this.

How Do I Know If My Toddler Has Anxiety?

Honestly, if your toddler has anxiety, you might not even be able to recognize it. Anxiety is actually quite complicated. The heart rate can speed up, the stomach may be in knots, a ball in the chest. Anxiety can look different for each person.

If your concerns continue, speak to your child’s paediatrician.

What Can Cause an Anxiety Attack?

So many different things can cause an anxiety attack. When a person feels stress, worry, or fear, it can lead to a lot of anxiety or even an anxiety attack.

There is no age limit for anxiety attacks, so keep this in mind as you deal with your anxious toddler. What looks like a tantrum may in fact be something related to anxiety. Read more about anxiety symptoms in children.

The Best Things to Include in a Calm Down Kit

Calm Down Activities for Kids

How to Teach Kids Kindness in a Sometimes Selfish World

a brunette woman sitting with four children around her. The text on the image says "how to teach kids kindness in a sometimes selfish world"

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Raising kids is hard. Raising kids to be kind is even harder. The advances in technology are wonderful for so many things, but they also bring additional challenges, especially for parents wanting to teach kids kindness and empathy. a brunette woman sitting with four children around her. The text on the image says "how to teach kids kindness in a sometimes selfish world"

Yes, I want my children to grow up to be capable and confident. I wouldn’t hate it if they were successful in their careers and family lives. But one of the things I want most for my children is for them to be kind.

I want them to show compassion for others and to be able to look outside themselves, for them to see a need and try to meet it or at the very least, to come alongside that person and show them that they are not alone.

Why teach kindness?

Nurturing our children’s character is one of our most important jobs as parents. There are benefits to our child as well.

Showing kindness to others boosts self-image. It enriches life. Social and emotional intelligence are just as important (if not more so) than academic intelligence.

As parents, there are a few obvious ways we can teach kindness to our children:

  • model kindness
  • teach gratitude
  • talk about the feelings of others
  • discuss the joy you get out of helping others
  • be sure that your child knows that there are those less fortunate in the world

An effective way to teach kids kindness:

All the above ideas to teach kindness are necessary if you want your child to think outside of themselves, but there is one thing I have found that goes a step further and that is child sponsorship.

Child sponsorship is an activity the whole family can get involved in. In this world of cell phones and internet, although in some ways the world can feel like a small place, in others, it can be easy to feel disconnected. Sponsoring a child in a developing country can be a way to bridge that connection.

Some suggestions to make this activity even more meaningful:

    • involve your child in the process of choosing the child you want to sponsor
    • perhaps choose a child who is the same age as your child or the same gender or who has similar interests
    • send letters back and forth to your sponsored child which will allow your child to make a connection and for them to learn more about them and about their country (not sure what to write. Read what to write to your sponsored child.)
    • place the picture of your sponsored child in a prominent area in your home and talk about them or pray for them as a family
    • allow your child to help in the money aspect – this can involve them selling some of their toys at a garage sale, donating some of their allowance or birthday money, or even them sacrificing going out for ice cream or fast food so that they money that would have been spent can instead go towards the sponsored child
    • go as a family to meet your sponsor child – I know this option may not be possible for all people, but it really takes this experience to the next level as you are able to see firsthand the difference your support is making


Child Sponsorship:

Back in March, I was privileged to go to the Dominican Republic with an organization called One Child Matters. It is hard for me to put into words what my time there meant and how transformative it was for me. I fell in love with the community there and with the children that I spent time with.

But I also fell in love with One Child Matters and their heart for the people they serve. I will admit that I was somewhat skeptical going in. I didn’t know much about them or what they stand for. It didn’t take long for me to be blown away for the work they are doing there and around the world.

They don’t march into communities and assume that they have all the answers. They find well respected community members who are already working with children and partner with them. And then they ask what is needed for that particular community. It’s a smart model.

I wish I could have taken you with me so that you could have seen the need, looked into the faces of those who would benefit most from your sponsorship. The joy of the children contrasted so starkly with the tremendous poverty and conditions. But the work of One Child Matters there was already changing lives. We witnessed it.

Be the difference for one child today…

I’d like to bring you along on the journey and allow you to breathe in the smells and bear witness to the tears and the transformations. The best I can do is to invite you to take in some of the pictures and ask that you would consider if your family could help just one child.

Those of us who went on that trip have set a huge goal for ourselves to get 1,000 kids sponsored. When you hear such a big number, it sounds impossible, but not when you think about just one child. Would you help us by sponsoring just one child? Be the difference for one child today.

The amazing photos in this post are thanks to Ashlee Kay, Kaylin Perdomo, Jo Lord, David Alink, and Luis Sanchez. 

More stories from those who went on the trip:

What to Write to Your Sponsored Child – Teaching Mama

Why Meeting Your Sponsor Child is Worth the Time and Expense – Math Geek Mama

The Mother Teresa of Latin America – Preschool Inspirations

Powerful positive affirmations for kids to change their mindset

Unicorn Affirmations

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When I was growing up, my dad used to say to me, “whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re absolutely right”. His version of the Henry Ford quote was designed to teach me about the power of our mindset. One of the most effective ways to help kids change their mindset is by teaching them to use positive affirmations. Positive Affirmations for Kids #growthmindset #positiveaffirmations #unicorn #mindsetThe thing about something that you hear or say over and over is that it gets stuck in your brain. It becomes part of your inner voice. This is true for both positive and negative words.

During certain times in my life, my dad’s repetition of that quote has come to mind. That quote has even come out of my own mouth in talking to my children. In that same way, affirmations that we tell our kids or that they tell themselves will live in their minds and be brought forward in the future.

As parents, we want as many of those as possible to be positive.

When one of my kids is struggling, do I want the first thought that comes to mind to be “I can’t do this” or do I want it to be “I can figure this out”?

Obviously, I want it to be the latter. But in order for that to happen, I need to ensure that they are practising positive affirmations.A positive affirmation is a statement meant to overcome negative thoughts. Negative thoughts contribute to self-sabotage, stress, pessimism, anxiety, and depression. Therefore, you want to retrain your child’s brain to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones.

How do I use positive affirmations with kids?

  1. Repetition, repetition, repetition. The key to this method being effective is having the affirmation repeated often. It also helps if the affirmation is said out loud by others, “you are kind”, by the child, “I am kind”, and is reinforced in other ways such as singing a song about it or colouring it.
  2. Use affirmations in the present tense. Even if the statement is something your child has not yet mastered and is still working towards, it is more powerful to say “I am a good friend” than it is to say “I will be a good friend”.
  3. Affirmations need to be specific.
  4. Allow your child to choose their own affirmations. You can of course make suggestions, but the most effective ones will be those that resonate with them. 

How do I teach my child to be positive?

One complaint I hear from a lot of parents is that their child is negative. Some kids seem to be born with a “glass half empty” mentality. While positive affirmations are not going to completely change a child’s personality, they will improve your child’s outlook.

The way that a child sees themselves shapes the way they see the world. When a child sees themselves negatively, they will also see everything around them through that lens.

Practising positive affirmations can help a child to see themselves in a more positive light. This then allows them to see those people and circumstances around them more optimistically as well.

Practising intentional gratitude will also help a child to be more positive. They can do this by:

  • writing or saying five things they are grateful for each day
  • writing thank you notes
  • drawing what they are thankful for
  • using Post-its to jot down what they are grateful for
  • making positive observations about what they see, smell, touch, taste, or hear

We have a gratitude hallway covered in Post-its. It makes me smile. The kids add Post-its whenever they want.

Please note:

Positive affirmations do not address underlying trauma or special needs. They aren’t a “quick fix”. But even for children who have early childhood trauma issues or other factors that negatively affect their mindset, positive affirmations are not harmful. They can be one tiny piece of the puzzle towards healing.

Adorable Unicorn Affirmations for Kids:

These free printable unicorn affirmation pages are adorable! They include the following positive affirmations:

  • I am confident.
  • I am happy.
  • I am kind.
  • I am brave.
  • I am patient.
  • I am loved.
  • I am a good friend.
  • I am proud of myself.
  • I am safe.
  • I am awesome.

To download your printable unicorn affirmation pages for kids to colour, just submit your email below.

Unicorn Affirmations printables for kids #mindset #growthmindset #unicorns #positiveaffirmations #affirmations

Parenting Myth: You’re Only as Happy as Your Saddest Child

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We were sitting in my kitchen. Mid-conversation, my friend said something that grabbed me. “You’re only as happy as your saddest child.” I nodded. The statement seemed like it must be true. What mother could be happy if her child wasn’t?

Parenting Myth: You're Only as Happy as Your Saddest Child #parenting #specialneeds #parentingtips #kbnThe conversation continued on to other things, but that statement stuck with me. I played it over and over in my head after she left.

Was I destined to always only be as happy as my saddest child? Would my happiness never again be in my control?

What she said had seemed logical at the time. What kind of mother would I be if I could find joy when my child was suffering?

But something about it gnawed at me. It didn’t sit right. At first, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why.

I’m the mom of 7. My kids all have different personalities. Some of them are optimistic and cheerful. Others are moody and see the glass as half empty even on the best of days.

Each of my kids have their own unique gifts and challenges. 5 of my precious kiddos have special needs, which give them additional obstacles to overcome.

Life can be hard enough without losing your hearing at 12 (one of our daughters), losing your first family and moving to a new country with strangers (2 of our kids), losing your hair as a 16 year old girl (another of our daughters) and on and on.

For days after that kitchen conversation, my friend’s words replayed over and over.

At the time, one of our children was especially struggling, so I wondered if I should be as unhappy as he was.

One evening, my husband and I were watching a comedy. I laughed out loud and then felt guilt creeping in. How could I be feeling carefree when one of my kids was in pain?

It took me weeks to sort through all of my thoughts and feelings. And I came to the conclusion that “you’re only as happy as your saddest child” is hogwash!

My happiness is my responsibility. It is not dependent on those around me or even on my circumstances. Of course, it’s easier to feel happy when life is going well.

If all my kids were themselves happy, if they were all making good choices, loving life, surrounded by good friends, not facing hardships that seem unfair and overwhelming, skipping merrily through valleys of unicorns and rainbows, I would feel less worried.

Being less worried would make it easier for me to be happy, but it wouldn’t necessarily guarantee it.

One thought I kept coming back to when I was contemplating this was that if my kids always see an unhappy mom, that will only make them less happy.

One of my jobs as  parent is to model positive traits for my children. If I want to teach them that they are responsible for their own happiness, that is something I have to show them.

If I want my kids to be able to find joy in the small blessings despite their circumstances, they are going to need to see a mom who was able to do just that. 

Choosing to be unhappy in solidarity with my “saddest child” won’t take their sadness away. In fact, it may compound it. And it places the burden of my happiness onto my child which is too heavy a burden for anyone to carry.

So mama, you are not destined to only be as happy as your saddest child. You are destined to be as happy as you choose to be.

I know that watching your child suffer is painful. It is gut-wrenching. Sometimes the unfairness of it can almost overtake you. But that does not have to rob you of your joy.

When your child sees you finding delight in just being with them, in counting the freckles on their nose, in watching the snow fall together, in snuggling on the couch, in playing a card game, even in the blessing of being able to cry together, they learn to find a bit more joy too.

Your smile is more powerful than your words.   

Some days, I get it right. I see the opportunities to infuse joy into my life. I take those and make the best of them.

Other days, I let my circumstances define my mood. I feel held hostage by things out of my control and pity takes up residence in my mind.

I haven’t got this thing all figured out, but I did some math. When considering the amount of kids I have and the challenges they currently face, I also thought about their personalities. Then I factored in future things such as spouses, careers, finances, in-laws, and their own children.

I pretty quickly came to the truth. If I were only as happy as my saddest child, I was never going to be happy again! And that’s not something to strive for.

So mamas, take that burden off. Unpack it, unbuckle it, unzip it, leave it at the door. From now on, choose to be “only as happy as you want to be”.

If you’re looking for strategies and encouragement on the parenting journey, join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents. 

How Can I Help My Child Control His Emotions?

How Can I Help My Child Control Their Emotions? #specialneedsparenting #parentingtips #emotions

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Although kids aren’t the only ones to struggle with controlling their emotions (as was evident last week when I cried over not being able to find Velcro dots!), they do not have the coping skills and life experience to be able to navigate through big emotions without some guidance. How Can I Help My Child Control Their Emotions? #specialneedsparenting #parentingtips #emotionsMany parents aren’t sure where to start when it comes to helping their child control their emotions. This will give you a roadmap to help them.

How to Help a Child Control their Emotions:

Provide an emotional vocabulary.

The first step in helping your child learn to manage their own emotions is to teach them to identify their feelings. Give them the language to be able to name their feelings. This is a powerful tool to arm a child with.

The Teaching Emotions Toolkit has everything needed to give kids the vocabulary they need to be able to identify and name their own feelings.

Learning to recognize feelings in others.

Once a child is more fluent in the language of emotions, they can begin to recognize feelings not only in themselves, but in others as well.

If you’re watching a movie or TV show, discuss how the situations may make the characters feel. Do this especially with situations that kids may find themselves in someday such as bullying.

Model talking about your own feelings and your coping strategies.

Name your feelings honestly. Then provide your child some insight into your coping strategies. This will help them to learn how to manage their own emotions.

  • “I feel disappointed that it’s snowing today so I can’t go for a run like I planned. I guess I’ll have to walk on the treadmill instead.”
  • “I am frustrated that my computer isn’t working. I want to throw it across the room which would not be wise, so I’d better get up and walk away. I’ll take a little break and come back to try again when I’m feeling calmer.”
  • “I’m excited that tomorrow is the big birthday party. I think I’ll go to bed a bit early tonight in case it takes me longer to fall asleep.”
  • “I’m worried about my interview on Friday. I know that worry doesn’t do any good. It helps to talk about my feelings and practise what I’ll say in the interview. Would you help me with that?”
  • “I’m feeling angry. I’m going to sit here and do some calm down breathing for a few minutes.”

Listen.

By actively listening to your child express their feelings, you are showing them that their feelings matter to you, that your child matters to you. You can repeat the emotion words back to them.

“I hear you say that you felt angry when he took away your toy. Do you want to tell me more about that?” By listening to your child’s feelings, they will learn that you are a safe place for them.

Help them identify their triggers.

Triggers are very dependant on the child. For some, it may be sensory triggers or a trauma trigger, while for others, it may be a particular feeling such as frustration that serves as a trigger for a meltdown or an aggressive response. Once you help your child to identify what their most common triggers are, you can help them to recognize them in the early stages and put in place some coping strategies.

Gauge the intensity of the emotion.

Using a feelings thermometer or chart, help your child determine how intense their feeling is.

Prevent emotional outbursts or meltdowns as much as possible.

Adequate sleep, good nutrition, water, regular exercise, and sensory breaks can go a long way towards preventing meltdowns before they start.

I know that I’m certainly more able to handle life’s curveballs when I’ve had a good night’s sleep. I’m also way more reasonable when I’m not hangry!

Teach that it’s okay to make mistakes.

Mistakes are how we learn. Kids who fear making mistakes or strive for perfection tend to have a harder time coping with emotions.

The Growth Mindset Challenge Kit and the Big Life Journal are two of my favourite tools for this. I also really like the book Your Fantastic, Elastic Brain for this reason. It is so good at explaining the concept of mistakes being necessary in a way that kids can understand.

Teach coping strategies.

Calm down strategies are a big part of teaching coping strategies, but they are not the only part. If a child takes a break or walks away when they see a trigger arise, that is also a coping strategy.

If there is a particular situation that comes up repeatedly that causes big emotions in your child, help him think of a strategy for managing that particular situation.

Come up with a plan together. Role play and practise often. Once he has practised managing that situation with his new strategies, he will be better equipped to deal with it in real life.

Teaching your child to better manage their emotions will empower them. They will feel more in control. This will equip them with the skills needed to face their day.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

You may find these articles helpful as well:

5 Critical Steps to Take When Your Child Has a Meltdown Activities to Teach Kids About Emotions 

What is Positive Parenting?

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When our older two boys were young, I had basically no idea what I was doing as a parent. I had gone to a Barbara Coloroso seminar while I was pregnant with my oldest and that gave me a few new tools to use as well as some new philosophies to think about. What is positive parenting? #positiveparenting #parentingtips #parentingThis statement she made impacted me immediately:

“Encouraging a child means that one or more of the following critical life messages are coming through, either by word or by action: I believe in you, I trust you, I know you can handle this, you are listened to, you are cared for, you are very important to me.” ~Barbara Coloroso

I wanted to raise my children in such a way that they would feel that they were important and valued, that they were capable and loved. I just wasn’t sure how to go about doing that.

Over the next years, I struggled to find a parenting style. I’ve swung from overly permissive to overly rigid and back again. I tried different discipline methods, read so many parenting books, attended parenting seminars, only to feel like I was failing as a mom.

It was actually after we became foster parents and were taking mandatory training for that when I began to stumble upon some truths that sat well with me.

The idea of positive parenting or connected parenting brought me back to what had struck home for me about that Barbara Coloroso quote from so many years before. I wanted to raise my kids in such a way that they would feel like that.

Since changing my parenting to follow the models of positive parenting or connected parenting set for me by such incredible experts as Dr. Karyn Purvis, I have been able to feel more confident about my responses as a parent.

That’s not to say that I have it all together. Most days I still struggle and there are still plenty of moments when I need a “do-over” for my own reactions, but the trajectory is at least going in the right direction.

I know that my kids have more positive interactions with me than negative ones. My kids are learning how to effectively express their emotions. I’m learning to stay calm even in the heated moments. Our home is becoming more peaceful. It’s still loud, as you can imagine with so many kids under one roof, but I’m becoming more skilled at handling the conflicts that arise.

I know that when people hear the term “positive parenting”, they can sometimes assume that means a parenting style that has the kids walking all over the parents, but that isn’t what positive parenting is about.

What is positive parenting?

Positive parenting is a school of thought that allows children to be treated with respect. It emphasizes relationship and communication and its goal is to teach children, not to punish. Positive parenting is about nurturing the relationship between parent and child.

Positive parenting solutions:

  • emphasis on attachment and relationship
  • connection before correction
  • clearly defined rules so that children know what to expect
  • validating child’s feelings
  • getting down on the child’s level and making eye contact
  • offering choices which allows the child to feel that they have a voice and allows them to have a sense of control
  • saying “yes” when you can
  • not using any physical punishment
  • focusing on connection
  • using discipline methods such as natural consequences, time-ins, redirection, and the art of the compromise
  • offering meaningful, thoughtful praise
  • seeing negative behaviour as a method of communication

Is positive parenting effective for children with special needs?

Traditional parenting methods are not effective with most children with special needs. Traditional parenting methods may include things such as long lectures, time outs, grounding, and corporal punishment (spanking).

While positive parenting is wonderful for all children, it is particularly effective with children who have special needs.

In particular, children with attachment issues or Reactive Attachment Disorder, sensory processing disorder, early childhood trauma, autism, and chromosomal disorders respond best to positive parenting.

Is positive parenting easy to do?

I’m not going to lie to you. It can be very challenging to use positive parenting methods if you were raised with other parenting methods yourself. Your default will usually be to react in a similar way to how your own parents reacted.

It takes time, a lot of intentionality and learning, and practise, practise, practise before these things start to feel more natural. Even then, during times of extreme stress or when you are overtired or overwhelmed, it can be easy to slip back into your default parenting style.

When that happens, give yourself grace. Apologize to your child (which provides a great opportunity to model taking accountability for our actions!) and try again.

Give yourself credit for the efforts you’re making and the baby steps you’re taking towards being the kind of parent you ultimately want to be.

Read about how positive parenting skills can forever change your family.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Check out some other parenting help: 

Connection Activities for Parents and Their Kids Connection Activities for parents to do with their kids #parenting #connection #attachmentBooks for Connected Parenting