The Chaos and the Clutter

Parenting in the Chaos

Connection Activities for Parents and Kids

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Connection is the foundation for human relationships. For some kids, particularly those with attachment issues, anxiety or sensory issues, connection is challenging and may even feel threatening to them. These connection activities can bridge the gap and help foster the parent-child bond.Connection Activities for parents to do with their kids #parenting #connection #attachment

Connection with their primary caregiver comes so naturally for most children, but for others, it can actually feel threatening or uncomfortable. Children who have experienced early childhood trauma (including prenatal trauma or stress), who have had multiple caregivers and homes (foster care, adoption, kinship care), who have sensory issues, or who suffer from anxiety can struggle with connection. The fix is not as simple as incorporating intentional connection activities in your home, but these activities can be a piece of the puzzle and are a step towards better attachment.

While some of these connection activities are straightforward, others require a bit of explanation. I have provided a video below where I explain some of them in more detail as well as explain ways that you can adapt the ideas on this list for kids who are resistant to connecting.

Ideas for Connection Activities:

  • Read together
  • Wear matching clothing
  • Hang family pictures in child’s room
  • Make child a small photo album to carry
  • Give hand massage with lotion
  • Trace shapes or letters on child’s back with your finger
  • Let your child choose your outfit for the day
  • Point out things you have in common
  • Trade Hershey’s Kisses for eye contact and a kiss on the cheek
  • Play a board game or card game
  • Wear matching temporary tattoos
  • Do your child’s hair
  • Give or receive back scratches
  • Have a special one-on-one time after other kids are in bed
  • Give each other pedicures
  • Bake or cook together
  • Snuggle on the couch under a blanket with popcorn to watch a movie
  • Give Smurf and butterfly kisses
  • Hug (but ask permission first)
  • Play clapping games
  • Tuck-ins
  • Choose a special song for each child (see song suggestions below the video)
  • Create art together and hang it prominently
  • Pick your child up to play hooky from school
  • Rock your child
  • Make appointment days special
  • Make up a secret handshake
  • Choreograph a dance together
  • Play “Mother, May I?” or “Simon Says” (Mommy Says)
  • Use the You Are Special plate to mark and celebrate milestones*

You can get a printable version of this list to use as a reminder here.

*Our family uses the You Are Special plate for our kids (or us adults) for supper on their birthday and also to celebrate things such as them overcoming a fear or accomplishing a goal or reaching a milestone (getting their driver’s license, graduating, starting their first job).

The red plate has become such a part of our family culture that if one of the kids is setting the table for a birthday supper, they don’t need a reminder to set out that plate.

Connection Activities Video:

In the video, I touched briefly on how I choose a special song for each of our kids. They call them their “baby song” and they just melt whenever they hear their song. I chose their songs carefully based on who they are and what I felt they most needed to be reminded of or encouraged about. Their songs are personal, so I won’t be saying what they are, but you can find all of them (except for the one I invented for our youngest daughter) on the list included here interspersed with some other song ideas that I think would work well for this.

You might also enjoy reading these articles:

30 Ways to Be Silly with Your Kids

Two Words That Will Transform Your Family

The Best Thing to do When Life is Hard

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It’s not a secret that this has been a hard year for our family. Losing my father-in-law and one of my closest friends to cancer within a week of each other, our youngest daughter going deaf, some of our kids struggling with big challenges related to their past or their special needs, having so many teenagers in one house (hormone central over here!), some job changes, unexpected bills including a seventeen thousand dollar dental one, and more have made this a rough year. What I haven’t talked much about is how all of that has affected me personally.

When Life is Hard (the secret trick to get you feeling better) #encouragementLately, I’ve not been in a very positive place. I’ve found myself thinking negatively and feeling discouraged. I have also felt burdened by the overwhelm. There are days when it is just all too much.

I hit a low point this weekend and had to decide to do something to make a change before the overwhelm and sadness swallowed me whole. I thought back to other times in my life when I have felt this way, other hard times when I couldn’t see light at the end of the road and tried to remember how I had gotten out of the funk.

The thing is, I know that there is no changing my situation. There are things over which I have no control. I cannot will my daughter to hear again. I cannot heal my son’s early childhood wounds with hope. I cannot bring people I have lost back to life. I cannot wish my hardships away. But looking back, I realized that there was one thing that had always worked in the past to make me feel better.

Have you ever been in a situation that felt hopeless? Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you didn’t know how you could possibly overcome?

Maybe right now, life is just hard. Sometimes, it just is. 

The best thing to do when life is hard is counterintuitive. It’s not something that you would naturally think of when you are already overwhelmed and you feel like one more thing on the to-do list will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

The best thing to do when life is hard is to do something kind for someone else. I know it may sound like I’m adding another layer of guilt or adding another thing to do when you already have too many.

Think of someone who is struggling. Perhaps there is someone in your community who is battling cancer or is recently widowed or is parenting kids with special needs or is caring for an aging parent. Next, choose one small thing that you can do as an act of kindness to them.

What can I do?

Bring them a meal. I know that if you’re already having a hard time making a meal for your own family, this is daunting, but somehow, if you double the meal you make so that you can give half of it away, the making of it for your own family becomes less of a burden. Perhaps you’ll even feel energized enough to make some freezer meals so that you can have some in your freezer and give some away to help other families.

Send them an encouraging message. It may be a funny gif or joke you text them to brighten their day. It may be a scripture verse you find to uplift them. In the searching for just the right one, you’ll find encouragement too.

  • Send flowers.
  • Smile and wave at a grouchy neighbour.
  • Mail a thank you note to someone who’s made a difference in your life or influenced you.
  • Babysit for an evening for a couple whose marriage has hit a rough patch.
  • Give someone a compliment.
  • Send encouraging words through Cards for Hospitalized Kids.
  • Deliver a coffee to a mom with young kids who didn’t get much sleep last night.
  • Visit a senior’s center.
  • Offer grace.
  • If someone is battling an illness, offer to pick up their groceries or run errands for them.
  • Send a memory to someone who has lost a loved one. Text, call or email to share the memory with them and let them know their loved one is not forgotten.
  • Donate some clothing or household items to a shelter or second hand store.
  • Share your appreciation for good service with a manager.
  • Drop off a large pack of toilet paper at the home of a large family. It will be appreciated!
  • Pay for the coffee of the person behind you in line.
  • Donate to the food bank.
  • Give parking money or gas gift cards to someone who has a loved one in the hospital. (you can read more ways to support a family whose child is in the hospital here)

The secret.

Helping others helps you more than any other single thing you can do. It helps you to take the focus off the negatives in your life. It enables you to see the hurt that others are feeling but gives you a way to bring a small ray of hope to that hurting.

I learned a lot about helping others when your own life is hard from my friend Cathy. During her battle with cancer, she always did what she could to reach out and bless others. She befriended those who were lonely. She baked for teachers and friends. She always made time to listen. She gave thoughtful gifts for no reason other than to encourage. She volunteered. She helped care for other people’s children. She led a children’s choir. She did all of this and so much more in the years, months, weeks, and even days leading up to her death.

Cathy made sure others knew that they were valued, that they were prayed for, that they were worth her time. She took the focus off of her own pain by reaching out and giving to others. She shared with me how much it helped her to help others during the hardest times of her life.

When I realized this weekend that this technique had always worked for me in the past too, it still felt daunting. So I started small. I called someone I knew who was lonely. The call didn’t take long and they seemed to really appreciate it. It was such a simple act of kindness and yet, already, I felt a bit better about my own circumstances.

The next day, I gave one of our sons an extra long tuck-in. This may not sound like an act of kindness. It may just sound like parenting or doing my job. But you know the saying “The kids who need loving the most will ask for it in the most unloving of ways”? That saying describes the weekend well and by Sunday night, I was exhausted and even though I knew in my brain that he needed extra attention and love, I was feeling pretty done for the day. I couldn’t wait to get him tucked in and have some time to myself. I chose (and it was a painful, deep internal conflict kind of choice) to do what I knew he needed. I spent more than an hour with him and his walls started to crumble and he began to let me in. He softened and in the end, I was so thankful I had made that choice, but it was an act of service. It was not an easy thing to do.

Today, I made lavender playdough for a friend whose daughter has been having sensory meltdowns. I doubled the recipe so that I could give half to my youngest daughter since it’s her favourite. Instead of feeling like making the playdough for my daughter was another thing on my never-ending list, I felt good about doing it because it was a small blessing for a friend, a way to remind her that I was thinking of her.

How can I say confidently after only 3 days that I have found the secret to feeling better in a time when life is hard? I know what has worked for me in the past. I know what has worked for others I know. I can already sense the fog lifting and I’m feeling more positive about the future. Tomorrow, I will do one more small thing. And then another and another until I have climbed my way out of this and can see beyond my circumstances to the needs of others and the beauty and blessings that surround me.

I’m not advocating that you put yourself at the bottom of the list and neglect yourself. I am a big proponent of the importance of self-care, but doing small kind things for others can be a way of taking care of yourself. It forces you to see that others have struggles too which makes you feel less alone. Giving of yourself helps you to feel good too.

So if life is hard right now, I encourage you to see if the secret to starting on the road to feeling better works for you too.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Welcome to The Chaos and The Clutter

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I’m so glad to have you as part of The Chaos and The Clutter Community!

Most of what you’ll find here is fun family connection activities, sensory tips and ideas, and special needs parenting help and encouragement.

I’m Sharla, the mom of 7 children, 5 of whom are adopted and have special needs. I’m passionate about helping other parents find joy amidst the chaos of everyday life.

Our most popular posts:

Fun Family Connection Activities:

People love our Minute to Win it Games because they are easy to set up and so much fun for people of all ages. You can find a listing of all of our Minute to Win It Games here.

A collage of images of kids and teens playing games at home. The text reads Minute to Win It Games.

Family Game Night Ideas

The Flour Game

The Bag Game

Activities to Promote Eye Contact

Sensory Tips and Activity Ideas:

Overcoming Sensory Meltdowns Digital Course

Unique Slime Recipes

Printable Playdough Mats

Sleep Solutions for Your Child with Sensory Needs

Is my Child Having a Sensory Meltdown?

DIY Sensory Wall

Sensory Bins

Sensory Bottles

Sensory Bags

How to Make Sensory Balls

How to Make Squishies

Special Needs Parenting Help and Encouragement:

The Waves of Grief in Special Needs Parenting

What I Wish You Knew about Parenting a Child with RAD

Create a Calm Down Kit for Your Child

Activities to Teach Kids About Emotions

Calming Your Child’s Fight, Flight, or Freeze Response

An After School Meltdown Strategy that Actually Works

Transition Strategies for Kids

 

The Two Words That Suck the Joy Out of Your Day

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Words are a powerful thing. They can alter your mood, build bridges in relationships, encourage, breathe life, and transform. I’ve shared with you how two words transformed our family for the better. Those words are an example of what extraordinary power what you say and think has. Words also have the power to destroy, to tear down, to defeat nations, and to break bonds.

A few months ago, I noticed a general pattern in my moods. I was feeling less content with my life and with my circumstances. I was restless and negative. I was pretty darn unhappy to be frank. What especially scared me was that it seemed to be trending in a downward spiral. Each day, I felt worse than the one before.

Two Words you Need to Stop Saying Immediately if you want to be happyNothing in particular had changed about our circumstances. Our life has been challenging for at least the past ten years and I don’t expect that those challenges will lessen in the next five years or so but I had usually managed to maintain a mostly positive attitude despite life’s circumstances and ups and downs. I spent some time analyzing why it was that I was becoming such a negative person. I didn’t want to be the person I now saw staring back at me in the mirror. I wanted to be that person I had been, the one who could find the humour or at least the silver lining in every situation.

As I analyzed this state I was in, I could find only one difference between the me of present and the me of the past. I had allowed two seemingly innocuous words to creep into my vocabulary. The words were not a phrase that I was accustomed to using so at first, they felt strange fumbling around in my brain and even stranger when they escaped my lips.

As with most things, once I had said them out loud, they became easier and easier to say and they were in my brain, embedded like a persistent houseguest who outstays their welcome and becomes more and more at home in your dwelling.

What were these powerful words that could almost debilitate and discourage me even in a whisper?

I deserve…

“I deserve a break.”

“I deserve things to go my way for once.”

“I deserve some peace.”

“I deserve for you kids to listen to me.”

“I deserve some chocolate and a glass of wine.”

“I deserve time alone.”

“I deserve a new dress.”

“I deserve to eat out.”

“I deserve more.”

I understand that an argument could be made that I work hard and that I deserve all of those things. An argument could also be made that everyone in the world (including those in abject poverty or in developing countries) deserve those things and are not likely to get them, so I shouldn’t think that I am more worthy of those things than others.

Whether or not I actually deserve those things isn’t the point. By speaking those words, even just in thinking them, I was significantly contributing to my own unhappiness. I was focusing on the negative rather than the positive.

Instead of feeling blessed because I got five minutes to myself, I lamented about why I didn’t get an hour. Instead of being grateful that I have a house to live in, I perseverated on the thought that I deserved more help with keeping it clean. Instead of choosing thankfulness, I chose to reserve a seat to my own daily pity party and was sitting longer and longer at that table.

Thinking about how you deserve more instead of looking for all the blessings in front of you is a recipe for unhappiness. It can lead to procrastination, divorce, weariness, anger, and dismay.

Two Words You Need to Stop Saying NowOne day, I said to my son who was being rude to me,”Try that again. I deserve respect.” I’m not debating that he should have been more respectful as I am his mom, but what came out of his mouth was, “I deserve to get anything I want.” Obviously, that’s laughable as none of us get whatever we want and certainly not when we are living in our parents’ home not paying rent, but the statement shocked me because I realized immediately that I had created that attitude in him. He had been hearing me talk for weeks about all the things I deserved and he had begun to let those two words seep into his brain and infect his thoughts.

The “I deserve” virus was in fact spreading throughout our whole home. It had become an epidemic, all these little people running around asking themselves what others could do for them instead of what they could do for others because you know, they deserved the best of everything and the easiest of chores or no chores at all for that matter! The only way to stop the spread of the virus was to immediately eliminate that toxic phrase from my vocabulary.

Those words had become a habit, so it wasn’t easy to get them out of our home, but as I have consciously grabbed hold of them when they come into my mind and reminded myself of what a lie they are and how dangerous that thinking is, I think them less and less. I hear them escape my lips even less often and I’m beginning to hear them less from everyone in the family.

I read somewhere once that deservedness is a currency of shame. The idea of deserving something positive also leads to thinking of deserving negative for not measuring up. Using the words “I deserve” sends the message to our children that they can be good enough or not good enough to have positive or negative results. This could translate into things or into love. When we remove the idea of deservedness from our minds, we can have things and love and attention whether or not we did anything that amounts to “enough”. This new framework allows for gratitude and for grace.

If you aren’t convinced at the negative impact these two little words have, I hope you will be willing to humour me with a bit of an experiment. Would you go with me on a one month journey to discover how much happier you feel when you eliminate these two toxic words from your life? Would you be willing to go a little further with me in this experiment and consider replacing those two toxic words with these transformative two words that will encourage and strengthen your family? Let me know what you find.

Two Words That Will Transform Your Family square

After Your Child’s Asthma Diagnosis

What to do after your child's asthma diagnosis

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This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of a Canadian leading research based pharmaceutical company. All opinions are 100% mine.

I recently shared about how our family was affected when our oldest daughter almost died from her asthma. We were certainly aware by that point how serious asthma can be when we started noticing some shortness of breath in our middle daughter.

At first, we thought that she just had a lingering cold, but we started noticing other symptoms as well.

What to do after your child's asthma diagnosisImage Copyright: wavebreakmediamicro / 123RF Stock Photo

Granola Girl began having a hard time falling asleep. She said that her lungs “felt tight”. She also sometimes had a cough. Given her sister’s asthma and knowing that there can be a hereditary component, we decided to have her tested. Given all that we had gone through with our other daughter, I hoped that we would be told she did not have asthma, but I knew in my heart what the results would be.

I didn’t want to hear those words again because of what we had already gone through but I knew that with a proper diagnosis, she could also get proper treatment. After the testing, we were told that Granola Girl did indeed have asthma. I had a mixture of emotions, sadness and fear, but yet relief that we were on the road to her feeling better.

Steps to take if your child receives as asthma diagnosis:

Stay calm. There has been a lot of advancement in asthma treatment and continues to be. Many asthmatics are able to live a very full life.

Find the right doctor. Having a doctor who is well versed in asthma is an important step to your child’s health. We have an excellent pulmonary specialist taking care of our girls and I feel confident that they are getting the best care possible.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Being well informed about asthma symptoms, treatments, side effects from treatment, and what to keep an eye on will help you help your child and effectively advocate for them.

Monitor symptoms. Monitor your child’s asthma symptoms and keep track of them using a journal, checklist or the Notes in your phone. This will help you be able to communicate with the doctor and ensure that proper treatment results in symptoms being controlled. 

Let them live. Once your child’s asthma is well controlled and you learn to watch for worsening symptoms, there is no reason why they can’t enjoy life to the fullest. Below are some pictures of our Granola Girl recently, living life and enjoying the moments. Granola Girl square collageIf you wonder if your asthma is well controlled, take the 30 Second Asthma Test and discuss the results with your doctor.  Encourage those you love to take the test as well.

Recently, a good friend of mine shared with me about her son’s symptoms and I got her in touch with our doctor (well, actually I took her and her son there because I was so concerned) and it turned out that he has asthma. He is 9 and has been having symptoms for a few years now but several doctors had misdiagnosed him with a cold or bronchitis. This illustrates exactly why it’s so important to be informed about asthma and to let people know to talk to a medical professional.

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There are Mean Girls in Adulthood Too

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The other day I went on a homeschool field trip with some of my kids. There were a few friendly faces there, moms I’ve seen at one homeschool event or another over the years and a few new faces too. I remember what it used to feel like when I would attend events as a new homeschooler and not know anyone, so I always try to reach out and make others feel welcome, whether it’s a just a friendly smile or a small attempt at making conversation. I asked one of the new moms how old her daughter was and she smiled when giving her response and I could almost feel her exhale of relief at someone having made the effort to talk to her.

There are mean girls and bullies in adulthood too. But you can use it as a teaching tool to help your kids navigate their own "mean girls" experiences.Image Copyright: keeweeboy / 123RF Stock Photo

I had noticed a mom earlier who was perfect put-together, hair and make-up done, with seemingly perfectly behaved children and THEIR hair was combed neatly. All of them, mom included had outfits. Not clothes like my thrown together look of old runners, worn-thin-long-sleeved t-shirt and jeans, but outfits. They all looked like they had stepped off the pages of a magazine. And I was intimidated. Because I don’t have outfits, don’t even own any, wouldn’t know how to put one together.

My kids used to have outfits and neatly combed hair but that was years ago and now my only goal is to get them out the door fed. I don’t even check to see that they aren’t still wearing their pyjamas because frankly, I’m pretty ok if they are seen in public in their pyjamas. Over the years I’ve discovered that there are worse things than your kids being in their pyjamas or a Princess costume in public.

As for my kids’ behaviour, it’s pretty unpredictable even in public and I couldn’t guarantee that there wouldn’t be a meltdown right there in that lobby, so I didn’t really want to approach that mom with the seemingly perfectly behaved children with the lovely coordinating outfits and recently combed hair.

I felt like I would be judged for my appearance or for my kids’ appearance. I took a quick glance over at one of my daughters whose hair looked like it hadn’t been combed in a few days (to be clear, it probably looked that way because it hadn’t) and started noticing the “outfits” my kids had seen fit to put together for themselves that morning and kind of wanted to shrink into the floor.

Then I reminded myself of all the wonderful friends I’ve met over the years at homeschool events because I walked up and started talking to someone who looked a bit lonely or like they felt out of place. I took a breath and walked over to say ‘hello’ and it wasn’t well received. She really did look at me in a disapproving way and gave signals that there was to be no further conversation. It brought up my insecurities.

I felt like I did the time in high school when everyone owned a Club Monaco sweatshirt and the yearbook committee was taking a photo in the gym in a Where’s Waldo style of everyone wearing their Club Monaco sweatshirt except that I didn’t own one.

I stayed at the field trip for awhile and felt awkward and silly and halfway through, I quietly excused myself and went to the library to work on my computer and try to stop feeling like I had made a mistake by talking to the put-together lady.

The thing is, she wasn’t mean to me. She wasn’t nice either, but she wasn’t overtly mean. For all I know, she was having a bad day or is an extreme introvert or is very shy. I’m not the least bit upset with her but it made me think about the times in my life when people have been mean.

I was bullied by a girl all throughout my elementary and junior high years. It started in Kindergarten. I wasn’t her only target but she was relentless. I had great friends and good teachers but this girl’s bullying made me dread going to school to the point of sometimes feeling physically ill. She had a couple of sidekicks in junior high that helped her spread rumours and call me names and it couldn’t help but affect how I saw myself.

High school was an overall great experience for me without the bullying I had encountered up to that point and with a great group of friends, but I still saw mean girls there and saw how they could be to others. I accepted it as “girls are just like that” and “there’s nothing more vicious than a hormonal teen girl”. I thought that once I got out of school and into the real world, there would not be any more mean girls because surely women would be respectful of each other.

As an adult, I discovered that women can be rude and gossipy and backstabbing and cliquey and just plain old mean. They can spread rumours about you or tell you that your bum is getting wider or not invite you to events that everyone else in your friend circle is invited to. They can bash your parenting behind your back or straight to your face.

Someone you considered a close friend can tell you that your choice to adopt is going to ruin your ‘real’ children. Someone who may have once been a family member can try to sabotage your marriage (true story). People can try to get you to take sides in their ‘fights’ with mutual friends. They can put you down in an attempt to build themselves up. They can be jealous and catty and cruel.

Mean Girls FBbut…There are women who are so kind and loyal and beautiful, who help each other and give of their hearts and their time and their talents. There are women who I am so blessed to know that I have met in all kinds of strange ways, including taking the risk and going up and talking to a stranger. These women have my back. They are encouraging and inspiring and real. They make me prayerfully consider my important choices and call me on my missteps when needed, but can also make me laugh until I cry. I feel so privileged to have them in my life. Their generosity and kindness far outweighs any negative experiences I’ve had in the past.

As an adult though, I have choices that as a child confined to a classroom I did not. I can choose to surround myself with people who accept me for who I am, fashion cluelessness and all. I have sometimes had to make the difficult decision to remove a toxic person from my life. I tried to do so as gracefully as I could, but my life is better for it. I can choose to assume that the lady at the homeschool field trip was judging me or I can assume that she has her own issues which may just be that she is shy and that her reaction had nothing to do with me.

I can choose to be a good friend and model what being a good friend means for my children. When my kids encounter a “mean girl”, I help them discover if it’s really a character issue as in the case with my childhood bully or simply someone who is socially awkward or shy. Above all, I have the opportunity to teach them that there are many people in the world who enrich our lives and I can help them to seek those kinds of people out. I can teach my girls (and boys) to surround themselves by the givers, and above all, to be givers themselves.