Special Needs Parenting

Does My Child Have Sensory Processing Disorder?

Sensory Processing Disorder is a term that ten years ago when my daughter was first diagnosed was not commonly spoken of and there was very little information about it. Thankfully, since then, there is increasing awareness of sensory issues and it is much easier to find information and support as a parent. We now have four kids who have SPD (sensory processing disorder) and one who just has sensory issues and two who are sensory typical.

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For a moment, let’s imagine that you are at the playground watching your child play and observing the other children at the park as well. The playground has sensory input of all types (did you know there are 8 types?! – we’ll get to that a bit later) and the kids that are there are all responding in their own way to receiving that input. Some of the children are running and laughing. One is sitting on the ground, crying, while another throws sand at them. One is walking on the concrete perimeter, seemingly unwilling to set foot in the sand. Some are swinging and sliding and shouting and one is crouched under the slide with his hands over his ears. A little girl is spinning wildly in circles, flapping her arms and before racing across to the swings where she swings higher than what seems safe. Two girls sit across from each other on the bench playing a rhyming clapping game. A toddler clings to his momma’s leg. Your child wants to go around and around and around on the merry-go-round until you are sure that they are going to be sick and still wants to keep going, but is also whining about the amount of noise at the playground and scratching the back of their neck where the tag on their shirt is bugging them.

What if I told you that more than four of the children described in the above playground scenario may be at risk for having SPD?

Some people assume that all kids with SPD are sensory avoidant, staying away from all sensory input. Or that people with SPD are sensory seeking, trying to create more of a sensory experience in every environment. The truth is that it is often a combination of both. You may find that there is a child with SPD who avoids all things auditory (hypersensitive to sound) while they are seeking vestibular input (under-sensitive to balance and spatial orientation). Such a child may want to swing with abandon and yet cover their ears at the slightest noise.

If you are wondering whether or not your child has Sensory Processing Disorder, this list of information and resources will be a starting place for you to find help.

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Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is also sometimes referred to as Sensory Integration Disorder (SID). To confuse things further, there are actually more sensory input systems than you may be aware of.

Sensory input systems:

visual
auditory
tactile
olfactory
proprioceptive
vestibular
gustatory
interoceptive

The sensory systems are complicated, but here is a very basic overview of them to give you a better understanding.

Vestibular: This is the sense of balance and motion. It helps give us a sense of where we are in space. This sense is located in the middle ear.

Proprioception: This system of body awareness is triggered when we exert force such as pushing or pulling on objects or even in jumping (push and pull of joints).

Tactile: This is the sense of touch, allowing us to know both that we have touched something and to determine what we have touched through receptors in our skin and mouth.

Visual: Our sense of sight, allowing us to discriminate objects and people based on visual cues.

Auditory: In a person without SPD, the auditory system allows us to not only hear, but also to filter out the noises that we do not need.

Olfactory: Our sense of smell also influences our sense of taste and is tied directly to emotional memories in the brain.

Gustatory: The sense of taste allows us to distinguish different foods.

Interoceptive: The feeling of things such as hunger, thirst, itch, pain, and body temperature.

Sensory Processing Disorder Risk Factors:

There are a number of other conditions and situations that predispose a child to having SPD. Some of these include:

premature birth
early hospitalization
prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol
autism, Aspergers, PDD
time spent in an institution such as an orphanage
siblings or parent with SPD
tube fed for extended periods of time
early neglect
exposed to environmental toxins (such as lead paint in an orphanage)
ADD/ADHD
certain developmental delays and neurological disorders such as Fragile X Syndrome, Down Syndrome, FASD, and others

Do any of the following describe your child?

avoids having hair brushed
complains of tags in clothes or seams in socks
wants to go barefoot
spinning, swinging, rolling, enjoys the feeling of being dizzy
has higher than “average” pain tolerance
has lower than “average” pain tolerance
seems overly sensitive to light or noise or smells
listens to music louder than “normal”
has meltdowns, especially in busy places or new environments
trouble sleeping
bothered by textures
doesn’t seem to realize their own strength (e.g. a touch is almost a push)
avoids certain food textures
trouble recognizing if they are in motion
licks, sucks and chews on things, likes to often have something in their mouth
interrupts
can’t concentrate when there is background noise
covers ears for noises such as sirens
trouble recognizing objects by their shape
upset by transitions
breaks items accidentally
developmental delays, particularly as a baby or toddler
difficulty following directions, particularly multi-step instructions
seems to not notice being hot, cold or hungry
easily tired
difficulty crossing the midline of their body
appears lazy and/or disorganized
crashes into things, jumps, wrestles, always seems to be looking for large sensory input
constantly touching things and people
takes physical risks in play
cannot sit still
smells or licks non-food items
trips or bumps into things
struggle with personal care and hygiene tasks

Remember that SPD looks different for different people, so your child will not display all the symptoms above. You will notice that many of the things on the list contradict each other. That is because one child can be sensory seeking in a certain area of input while another can be sensory avoidant in that same area.

Sensory Processing Disorder is by no means a devastating diagnosis. But knowing can help you better understand your child and help them to better navigate the world around them, increasing their chances of success. It can also help you advocate for your child to enable them to have access to the services that will best help them.

Above all else, trust your instincts as a parent. If you suspect that there are sensory issues, keep searching until you find a professional who will listen to you. Start with a phone call to your paediatrician or an occupational therapist.

Here is a list you might find useful:

Sensory Processing Disorder Checklist

Some of my favourite blogs for information, resources and activities for SPD:

Growing Hands-On Kids
And Next Comes L (some great money-saving DIY sensory solutions here!)
Lemon Lime Adventures
The Sensory Spectrum
Sensory Mom Secrets
The Inspired Treehouse
Mama OT
B-Inpired Mama

You can also find simple sensory activities as well as help on such things as surviving a public bathroom with a child with sensory issues or the sensory mystery of tight fitting clothing or learn about our sensory stations and much more right here on The Chaos and The Clutter.

Please note: I am not a medical professional. I am just a mom who has a lot of experience with SPD because so many of my children happen to have this diagnosis. I have done a lot of reading on the subject, attended a few seminars, spoken with and worked with professionals, and applied what I have learned with my own children. If you suspect that your child has SPD, please consult a professional in your area to confirm this.

The Best Books on Sensory Processing Disorder:

Sensory Processing Explained: A Handbook for Parents and EducatorsBuy Now Sensory Processing 101 The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder (The Out-of-Sync Child Series)The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun, Revised Edition: Activities for Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder (The Out-of-Sync Child Series)Sensational Kids: Hope and Help for Children with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD)Raising a Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Processing Issues, Revised Edition

Join our free 5 part email series Sensory Solutions and Activities and get our Sensory System Behaviours Easy Reference Cards.

Sensory Meltdowns: Causes, Prevention and Strategies

Calming the Fight, Flight or Freeze Response in Your Child

Parenting a Child with Food Allergies

By Sharla Kostelyk

When you parent a child whose life literally depends on not being exposed to a certain food, the seemingly benign term “food allergies” becomes a terrifying one.

Growing up, my brother had an allergy to pork, something my mom discovered when he was 3 years old. As a baby, he cried a lot and used to scratch his skin to the point of bleeding. He also had a hard time sleeping. My mom knew something wasn’t right but it wasn’t until a particularly bad episode after she watched him eat a lot of sausage at a family gathering that she pieced things together. His reactions became more severe over the years and eventually, we didn’t have any pork in the house.

I also have food allergies myself to strange things (celery, broccoli, bananas, and processed cheese), but they are not life threatening.

When I was a teenager, a second or third cousin of mine (whom I had never met), died of a peanut allergy while on a trip to Europe with her school. Hearing the story was shocking and the first time that I ever considered how serious allergies could be. I later heard the story again when a high school teacher of mine recounted it to the class because she had been one of the chaperones on that fateful school trip.

My first two sons have no allergies other than skin reactions to medical tape. Our daughter Miss Optimism began showing signs of being prone to allergies as a baby. We just didn’t realize it at the time.

She had cradle cap, which many babies get. Our oldest son had had a mild case of it himself. But hers was not a mild case and nothing we tried seemed to help. We eventually had to use a prescription because it was so severe that it made her head bleed. We learned from the doctor that severe cradle cap is sometimes tied to eczema, a skin condition our daughter developed while still a baby.

Sometime before she turned one, Miss Optimism developed a severe ear infection and was put on antibiotics. We gave her one dose of penicillin and immediately, her torso was covered in huge, red hives. She also seemed to be having a harder time breathing. We called the pharmacist and doctor and of course discontinued the penicillin and gave her an antihistamine. She was then labelled as having an allergy to penicillin and we were talked to about the possibility that she may have the triad of eczema, allergies and asthma. The asthma appeared less than 2 weeks after her third birthday.

I don’t remember the first time Miss Optimism had a reaction to tree nuts. I don’t even remember which nut it was she had a reaction to. I do remember the first time I had to call an ambulance.

That day , we had had a Valentine’s party here. We had invited a bunch of kids over, done crafts, played games, eaten fun food, and said good-bye to the last of the guests. Some of the kids who had come had brought Valentines cards and treats with them. I was too busy with all the hubbub to take much notice of what treats came in.

Miss Optimism was five at the time, but because of some of the medication she was on for her lungs was very tiny for her age. She was the light of our life and in an instant, it seemed that that light could be extinguished.

I was in the kitchen cleaning up from the party when one of the other kids called out “mom“. I knew, just knew. I heard something in their voice, knew in that one word. As I ran to the next room, I grabbed the phone on the way, knowing I would need to call for help. I saw her struggling for air and called 9-1-1 before my brain fully registered what was happening. There was a candy wrapper on the floor and I was able to piece it together. The chocolate was a popular brand and it did not contain a “may contain nuts” warning anywhere on the packaging, but it was manufactured in a factory where hazelnuts are used.

I gave her an antihistamine, held her and prayed while we waited for the ambulance to arrive. We had known before that day that her allergy was serious, known even that it could kill her, but knowing and KNOWING are too different things. That day changed everything.

After that day, I became obsessive about reading labels, not letting her go to birthday parties without me, asking questions of other parents, worrying whenever she wasn’t in my sight.

Miss Optimism is 13 now and still lights up our world. She has become her own allergy advocate and even her sweet tooth doesn’t get in the way of her making sure something is “safe” before she eats it. I no longer worry when she isn’t with me that she may accidentally eat something she shouldn’t. She carries an epi-pen and has been trained on how to use it. She smells food before she puts it in her mouth, even if she has asked about nuts and been told there aren’t any. Her tongue and throat will get itchy from the smell if it does contain nuts so she uses that as an extra precaution.

Our life is affected by allergies, but not defined by them. Our son Einstein is on a gluten free diet for his Aspergers (it has made a huge difference) and another of our sons is lactose intolerant, so I have had to adjust the way I cook and the way I shop, but it is possible to live a fairly normal life even if your child has food allergies or intolerances.

Tips to parenting a child with food allergies:

It is never too early to start training your child to be their own advocate. As soon as they are old enough to talk, teach them to ask about food before they eat it.

Teach them to ask 3 questions:

“I am allergic to __________. Is this food safe for me to eat?”

“Are you sure?”

“Did you make it yourself?”

Be their advocate. Educate friends and family about the importance of being food-aware and the many ways allergens can be hidden in foods.

Read labels. Ask questions.

Don’t take chances. It goes without saying not to take chances in exposing them to what they are allergic to, but also don’t take chances when it comes to a reaction. When in doubt, call an ambulance. Reactions should always be taken seriously.

Get your child a medic alert bracelet. If ever a reaction causes them to lose consciousness, this will alert those on the scene to what is going on and help paramedics and medical personal to treat your child. For our daughter, we have an Allerbling bracelet. You can buy them with different “charms”. She has had it for years and we love it. It is made of silicone, so it’s great for those with allergies to metal or latex and it is the only type our daughter will keep on because of her sensory issues.

When your child is old enough, have them help with cooking and baking. This will give them a better understanding of how there can be hidden ingredients in food items.

Train the people in your child’s life how to use an epi-pen. The one we use now actually literally talks a person through the process. (yes, a talking epi-pen!) Be sure that instructors, care givers, teachers, friends’ parents, grandparents, anyone who will have contact with your child knows how to use an epi-pen and is willing to do so.

Be prepared. An epi-pen can save your child’s life. Carry an extra. They are expensive, but not having one with you could cost a lot more than you want to consider. Also carry an antihistamine. I have antihistamine in my vehicle, in my purse and at home. My daughter is now old enough to also have one in her bag.

Educate yourself. Know the signs of an allergic reaction in your child and other possible signs that could occur. Their reactions and even their allergies can change over time.

If your child has an anaphylactic allergy, do not allow that food in your home. No exceptions. You may even choose to hang a sign on your door.

If they have an intolerance, you can choose whether to adjust meals for the whole family or just for that particular child. For our son with the gluten intolerance, I sometimes cook gluten free for all of us and other times, just adapt his meal.

Learn to let go. You won’t be able to go to college with your child to read labels before they eat. You know your child best so you will know when they are ready to start attending events without you where there could be potential for allergens to be present. It’s hard to let go but take small steps towards it to build up their self-advocacy skills. Start with safer environments where you have already briefed the adults present.

Once precautions are taken, they can lead a normal life. It takes time to adapt for the whole family to adapt, in particular if there are several food allergies, but life can return to normal.

Extra reading for food allergy parents:

Some of this reading is for you, while some is to help you educate those around you so that they can help you through this journey with your child.

4 Easy Ways to Help a Food Allergy Mom

Everything You Need to Know About Food Allergies and Food Sensitivities

What Parents of Kids With Food Allergies Want You to Know (but are afraid to say)

Special Dietary Needs: A Beginner’s Guide for Parents

5 Ways to Prepare Your Allergic Child to be Safe at School

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Supporting a Family Whose Child is in the Hospital

By Sharla Kostelyk

For four years, our daughter, Miss Optimism, battled a lung disease. For four years, she was in and out of the hospital. For four years, we worried that we would lose our precious little girl.

It was one of the hardest seasons we’ve walked through in our lives. Miraculously, we were able to find a medication that turned things around for her. We take her every two weeks to get two injections and other than that, her life has been pretty normal for a number of years now, but we are always aware how blessed we are to have her here with us and to have her healthy.

Ways to support a family whose child is in the hospital or has a chronic illness. This is a really great list. The days of monitoring her every breath, of middle of the night rushes in to Emergency, of surgeries and test results, of night nurses in our home, of our minutes being led by lung function numbers and of wondering if today could be her last are behind us and I am so thankful.

Those years spent in worry and with the stress of trying to juggle her health crisis with raising our other kids and managing day to day life are still easy to bring to memory so I thought I would use our experience to help other families who are living through a similar time now.

I have compiled this list of ways of supporting a family whose child is in the hospital or suffering a chronic or terminal illness to help family and friends best support them. I wish there had been a list like this when we were in our crisis so that I could have pointed others to it when they asked what they could do to help.

I created this list with the help of my friends Shannon and Lindsay. Shannon’s beautiful daughter spent her first 6 months in hospital after being born at 25 weeks gestation and has undergone many surgeries and long hospital stays since then. Lindsay’s little guy bravely battled cancer as a young preschooler and won. I’m honoured to know these amazing women and I’m glad that they were willing to share their insight to help others.

Ideas for supporting a family whose child is in the hospital:

Reassure them that they are good parents.

When they have to hold their child down for a painful medical procedure or make difficult decisions in which no one answer seems like the right one, they will be questioning their worth as a parent. They need reassurance.

Offer to watch the other kids.

I cannot emphasize this one enough. It is impossible to be in two places at one time and as the parent of a sick child, your heart is at the hospital. Not being able to be there with your child because you have to watch your other kids is torturous. Mind you, when you’re at the hospital, you’re also battling guilt for not being with your other kids. Offering to help with child care lightens the load for the family.

Take the other kids to do something fun.

The siblings of a sick child are also affected by things that at a young age, they should not be thinking about such as worrying about their parents and worrying about their brother or sister. They are also wrestling with mixed feelings because they may feel selfish for wanting more of their parents’ attention when they know why the sibling is getting it.

The parents are also feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for what their other kids are going through and what they are missing out on. Taking the other children to do something fun, even just going to a playground for a few hours will not only take their minds off things for awhile, it will take some of the burden of guilt off the parents.

Bring meals.

Going grocery shopping and cooking are low on the priority list for the family at this point. Bring a dinner or drop off some freezer meals. You can even get together with others who know the family and organize making a lot of freezer meals for them. (You can make ten beef dump or chicken dump recipes in one hour.)

If cooking isn’t your thing, bring a pizza gift card or a grocery gift card. Drop off a jug of milk and loaf of bread.

Give money.

Until you’ve been there, you don’t realize how expensive it is to have a child in the hospital. The cost of parking alone is enough to cripple a budget. Then there are expenses like gas to drive to and from the hospital, meals, lost wages, and child care for the other kids. Since we are Canadian, the only addition medical expenses we incurred were prescriptions (and that was hundreds of dollars a month), but in most countries, there is also the cost of medical bills from the hospital stay.

A family whose child is battling illness has enough to worry about without the added stress of finances. Give what you can or pay for a hospital parking pass or gift card for food nearby or gas station gift card. If the family doesn’t have insurance, a larger fundraiser may be needed.

Offer to be the contact person.

It is so helpful for the family if there is one person who can field phone calls, pass on information, update facebook pages, pass along prayer needs, manage Carepages, organize meal needs, pick up donations, etc.

It can become exhausting for the family to have to repeat the same updates over and over, particularly if the news is not positive.

Be a shoulder.

Be there to listen. Simple as that. You don’t need to have the answers or to have been there yourself to just listen.

Don’t shut them out.

Be a friend by still talking to them about what’s going on in your life. You may feel like your trials are trivial compared to theirs and therefore not want to share, but they need distractions and they need to feel as normal as possible. Shutting them out of your life will not protect them. It will only add more hurt.

Bring the fun to them.

While they may not be able to attend dinners out or events, go to their home or the hospital just to hang out with them. It gets lonely there. I used to long for adult company. Bring a laptop with a funny movie or come armed with jokes! Distraction can be a good thing.

Offer to bring food.

If you are going to the hospital to visit (much appreciated by the way), ask if you can stop and bring them some food. When our daughter was at her sickest, I didn’t want to leave her side so I could only eat when visitors would bring me food. Sometimes even just a tea from a familiar coffee shop brought a sense of normalcy and comfort.

Bring something for the child who is sick.

This does not need to be extravagant. This can be as simple as a homemade card or sign with their name on it. It will show their parents and the child that you are thinking of them. It doesn’t hurt to bring something for the other kids too. They are feeling pretty left out as it is.

One year when Miss Optimism had been in and out of the hospital a lot and was not allowed to go outside for many months, a blog reader of mine sent a huge box of books, crafts and activities to keep her busy and cheer her up. She included a board game that all the kids could play, a few treats for the other kids and even some hot chocolate mix for me. It was such a blessing and an encouragement!

Tell the family you are praying for them.

And then actually pray. It’s been my experience that even families who are not faith-based appreciate all the prayers they can get when they are in this type of crisis. You can’t really go wrong with this one.

Ask questions.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. The family want people close to them to be informed and able to help in any way they can. Do be sensitive though.

One day when we had gotten some hard news about our daughter, a friend texted and asked me what her life expectancy was and whether or not she would be able to have children. Those were not questions I felt were appropriate to ask via text message and was paralyzed by the thought of typing an answer.

Sit with their child.

If you come to visit, offer to stay for a bit with the child so that the parent can go to the bathroom, have a shower, go for a walk, go get something to eat, make a phone call in private, or get some fresh air. Those are things most people take for granted but they are hard to come by during a hospital stay.

Ask what you can do.

Maybe they need you to tackle their laundry pile. The family still needs to wear clothes and chances are, that pile is rising by the day and just another source of stress for them. Maybe there are errands that need to be run or things that need to be fixed around the house.

Team up with others.

Of there is a group of you, sit down and figure out who would like to do what and come up with a schedule. That way, the family’s needs can be met and in a more organized way (though disorganized help is still appreciated!).

Be there on big days.

On big days like test results or surgeries, offer to go and sit with the family during the wait. And then, just be there. Hold their hand.

Treat the child who is sick normally.

The child battling illness is still a child. They need to have as much normalcy as possible and that starts with the way others treat them. Talk to them. If hospital policy allows it and the parents agree that it would be a good idea, bring your children to visit them too. Hospitals can be lonely places.

Help their marriage.

Offer to watch the other kids or stay at the hospital with the child who is sick so that the parents can have a date night. Divorce rates are higher among families who have children with a chronic or terminal illness and helping them to protect their marriage is important. Acknowledge the need for them to still be a married couple in the midst of everything they are going through.

Be places they can’t be.

Chauffeuring their other children to lessons or appointments or events, videoing performances and recitals for the parents to watch later. These things are invaluable.

Help with paperwork or note taking.

Often especially early on after a diagnosis, it can be hard for family members to process and remember what doctors are saying. Having someone there to take notes during meetings with the medical team can be very helpful. Also, having someone write a list of questions they want to ask the doctors during the next meeting is a help as well.

Along with a hospital stay comes paperwork. Helping the family fill that out can also lighten the load.

Sitting with one of the parents and helping them come up with a to-do list and then helping them decide how to delegate those tasks is a blessing.

Other ways to help:

clean their vehicle. It can become a dumping ground with all the trips to and from the hospital.
buy groceries/stock their pantry (healthy food options help reduce parent’s guilt)
summer: water grass, maintain their garden, mow the lawn
winter: shovel snow
vehicle maintenance including oil changes and gassing up
lend an iPad or eReader if they don’t have one
go to the Nurse’s station with the parent’s questions if they don’t want to leave their child’s side
make and deliver healthy lunches to the school where the other kids go or organize some make ahead school lunches. This daily chore can be overwhelming for parents who are hardly ever home.
when visiting the hospital, recognize if the parents are needing rest and keep visits short
on hospital visits, keep the noise level down, be respectful of other patients in shared rooms, be kind to hospital staff as your treatment of them reflects on the family
make them a playlist of uplifting music
double check to see if they have a phone charger and bring one if they don’t. In emergency situations, there isn’t time to grab a charger on your way out and it is so needed in the hospital.
give treats to parents – iTunes gift card, lotions, chocolate, snacks, family movie passes

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They Called My Son the ‘N’ Word

By Sharla Kostelyk

He came to us last night, asking if he could go into work today with his daddy to ride his bike around town. I arranged for him to go visit a friend of his this morning and then he could enjoy some freedom as he periodically checked in at my husband’s office the rest of the day. He had plans to buy himself lunch and maybe stop at the bike park. He also wanted to go to the bookstore, one of his favourite places in the world and spend some of the hard earned money he had made helping my brother-in-law build a deck.

This morning, they loaded his bike onto my husband’s vehicle and he set off for his adventure. Things started to go sideways when his $20 fell out of his pocket on the way to his friend’s. He retraced his steps but was never able to find it, so his plans for choosing a brand new book went out the window. It was because of this that he decided to forgo the bookstore and head for the bike park.

They called my son the 'n' word It’s usually pretty empty midweek but today when he arrived, there were four teen boys there, older than he is. They were fighting among themselves and he heard them saying the ‘f’ word to each other, so he knew enough to steer clear.

He was riding up and down the jumps, enjoying the new bike he just won a week ago in a draw when they directed their attention at him. They swore at him and accused him of spraying dirt in their direction. He ignored them and rode further away. And then the words came, “What the f*@& are you doing, you N******?”.

Typing that made me almost throw up.

You see, this is a day that I had tried to prepare for, in the way that you prepare for a tragedy or freak accident, knowing that it could happen, but thinking that it will never happen to you, to your family.

I had told my boys, all four of them, but my black sons in particular, about racism. I had had “that talk” with them, bawling my way through it when Trayvon Martin was killed.

Earlier this week when mothers lost their children and children lost their fathers and mothers in the church shooting in Charleston in an act that can only be described as racism, I wondered again how to explain to my children the hatred in this world.

Today, my gentle giant saw that hatred first-hand. After those boys yelled at him and swore at him and called him the ‘n’ word, they picked up rocks and threw them at him. A group of four older teen boys were throwing rocks at my 13 year old, there by himself.

The momma bear in me is so angry and I wish I had been there to protect him, but what can you say to change the minds of those so corrupted by hatred that they would even dare to whisper that word?

So when my sweet son told me what had happened, his bottom lip quivering until he could no longer contain the tears, I held him standing in a parking lot and cried with him. I told him that he is made in the image of God, that the colour of his skin is no accident, but nor does it define him. I told him that those boys were ignorant, unaware of the truth, that I was angry and sad all at once. That when I thought about the hatred that they held in their hearts, it made me want to weep.

Later, when we had gotten home when he had calmed down somewhat, he told me the rest of the story. Like how scared he had felt and how after he left the bike park, he broke the chain on his brand new bike and how it was such a bad day, the kind where every little thing (and every big thing) seems to go wrong. From losing his money to the broken chain, to not having enough money to have the chain fixed to what those boys did and said to him, it had been a hard, hard day.

I told him how wrong what had happened to him was. I told him that we had to stand up for what was right to try to help others who would come after him. I called the police.

My boy, my boy who has Aspergers and who has a hard time articulating himself and who gets flustered when people ask him his name became so nervous about the police coming to talk to him that he could hardly breathe. But he agreed that it was the right thing to do. He was brave. I’m so proud of him. It’s always such a privilege to be his mom.

They called my son the ‘n’ word and I can only cry for them tonight, cry that they were taught to hate, cry that they saw my son’s skin colour and not his heart, cry that they thought that skin colour made him less than them when maybe it will make him more because of what he will have to overcome.

Traveling with a Child Who has Anxiety

By Sharla Kostelyk

I began writing this on the home stretch of a three week road trip with six of our kids. Two of them have anxiety disorders. While I’m certainly not a professional in this area, over the years, we’ve done a fair amount of traveling and have discovered some thing that are helpful.

Hopefully some of these suggestions will help your next trip go more smoothly for your entire family!

Tips for traveling with a child with anxiety:

Routine.

When traveling, it is impossible to hold to the same routine that you have at home. There are aspects of the routine that you can try to keep as close to normal as possible. While you may not be able to keep mealtimes on the same timeline as at home, you can ensure that you have a snack on you at all times and set an alarm on your watch or phone so that each day at snack time, they get a little something to eat. You can do this whether you are on an airplane, in a car, on a bus, at an activity, or in a hotel room at that time of day.

Bedtimes will likely be at erratic times even if you try for them not to be. You may not have as much control over the time of this, but you can still control some of the routine that happens. If you usually have story time at home before bed, take this habit with you on the road.

On this trip, I brought a read-aloud and read one chapter a day to the kids. We also stuck to our usual bedtime routine when tucking the kids in. We asked them about their day and prayed with them before tucking them in.

Morning routines are a bit easier to stick to while on vacation. Have your child do things just as they would at home…eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, make bed.

Keeping as much routine as you can will help lower anxiety and keep some sense of normalcy while your child is away from their usual environment.

Bring comfort items.

Be sure to bring a few things from home that your child considers comfort items. These are most often items such as a blanket or a special stuffed animal.

I also bring some items from our daughter’s anti-anxiety kit such as her relaxation prompts and sound therapy machine. I keep things like fidget toys handy at all times. We keep several of our homemade sensory balls in the vehicle for road trips.

Preparation.

The more prepared a child is for a situation, the more in control they will feel most of the time. It is often the unknown that contributes to higher levels of anxiety. Just as you would give warning at home before a change in activity to prepare them, it is wise to do this while traveling.

I suggest starting as far in advance of the trip as you can. While not all of our trip was mapped out before we left, I took all the places I knew we would be going to for sure and wrote them onto calendars for my kids. We then researched those places. I showed them pictures of each of the attractions we would be going to and gave them the chance to ask any questions they had.

An example would be that in San Francisco, we were planning to visit Alcatraz. I showed them pictures of Alcatraz on the computer, showed them pictures of their dad and I in Alcatraz in a scrapbook (this made it seem much safer to them). I explained that in order to get to it, we would have to take a short ferry ride. I answered their questions about all aspects of that activity.

A common question that our youngest daughter had about many of the activities I prepared her for was if we might lose her there in the crowd. I gave her an answer specific to that location. An example is that at Disneyland, the staff always asks how many people there are in your party so that they can get you on the ride at the same time and you don’t get separated. We also chose a meeting place for every location that we visited.

Communication.

I tried to do a check-in each day on our trip of how the kids were feeling. The days that we got in too late for that to happen, we usually paid for it the next day, so I would say that communication is key.

We prepared them for what the day following would hold and then debriefed about the day we had just finished and shared any worries they had for the following day.

Anticipate meltdowns.

No matter how much you try to prepare and communicate, there will still likely be meltdowns and fight or flight moments when taking a child who suffers from anxiety into a different environment and out of their routine.

Watch their cues. You more than likely will have some idea that a meltdown is coming before it occurs and you may be able to head it off at the pass. Try these suggestions:

redirect
avoid triggers
feed regularly
plenty of sleep
if they feel a lack of control=give choices

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7 Things No One Tells You About International Adoption

By Sharla Kostelyk

Before we adopted internationally, we had adopted three times. We had already experienced transracial adoption and special needs adoption and to some extent, we thought we knew what we were doing. We didn’t expect there to be too many surprises. Were we ever in for a shock!

7 Things No One Tells You About International Adoption Image Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

I am aware that every situation is different and there may be things on this list that do not apply to your circumstances. I know that some of these could also apply to other types of adoption. I have compiled this list through a combination of my own experiences and the conversations I’ve had with many other adoptive moms.

In no particular order, here are the things that no one tells you about international adoption:

1. It might be just as hard (or harder) for you to attach to your child than it is for them to attach to you.

There are countless books and articles on promoting attachment with your newly adopted child but the majority of those focus on how to get the child to attach to you. Attachment is of paramount importance in adoption but what few people talk about is that attachment may not come naturally for you, particularly when adopting an older child.

You may even find yourself resenting this child that you have waited for and longed for and prayed for. You may find yourself wishing for the life you had before the adoption. You may find yourself having a hard time even liking this little person who has taken over your home and may be displaying difficult behaviours. This then can lead to guilt and helplessness.

Did you know that there is such a thing as Post Adoption Depression and that not only is it real, but it is as common as Postpartum Depression? Post Adoption Depression can make attachment to your adopted child even more difficult.

I hope that just by identifying these things, I can help others who feel them know that they are not alone and that having these feelings does not make them a bad parent.

For me, attachment came instantly with the children who were placed with us as babies and it even came instantly with one of our internationally adopted children even though they were considerably older, but it took more time with the other. It was something I wrestled with and spent far too much time feeling guilty about. I wish someone had told me that it was perfectly normal and didn’t make me a bad person.

2. Your kids will not be grateful.

Your child may well have needed a family. They may have had a very bleak future had you not adopted them, but this does not mean that they will be thankful or express gratitude. In fact, they may express the exact opposite. They may hate or resent you for taking them from their home, their culture, their language, and everything that was familiar.

They may (or may not) initially appreciate things like clean drinking water, abundant food options and safety, but the novelty will wear off quickly and you will likely soon find that they are complaining about the food just like any other child their age in our society would.

Do not expect gratitude from your child about being adopted. They did not ask for the life they have. If given the choice, they would most likely choose to not have had the circumstances that brought about the necessity of their adoption in the first place.

3. People will judge you.

I know that people judge others for all kinds of things, but for some reason, international adoption seems to bring out the naysayers.

During our adoption, our case was in the media spotlight and we were accused of all kinds of not-so-kind things, but even after the media attention died down, there were strangers, acquaintances and even some friends and family who felt the need to have their objections and opinions heard.

Among the most common was being angry that we wouldn’t just adopt the kids in our own country that need homes (we had done that three times already, but even if we hadn’t, the kids in other countries who need families are no less deserving of having a family than the children here). Other common comments were in regards to adopting trans-racially, spending money on the paperwork for the adoption when we could have given that money instead to the country our children were born in, and just adopting because it was trendy (that one is laughable and counter to all the statistics available!).

While I could write an entire article on each of the objections we heard and my response to those, the point of this article is to inform those considering adoption that they are likely to have this happen to them as well. We lost friends. It hurt.

And of course, then there are the hilarious questions we hear from strangers when we go out in public!

4. You will sometimes question if you did the right thing.

Since completing our international adoption more than five years ago, we have continued to educate ourselves about ethics in adoption and more specifically, the adoption ethics in the country we adopted from and this has sometimes caused us to wonder if we did the right thing.

Also, our entire family, including our other five kids, have been forever changed due to some of the challenges that have come into our home due to our internationally adopted children’s attachment and trauma issues. It has not been easy and sometimes we have questioned if we did the right thing by our other kids by taking this on. That’s a pretty hard thing to admit to.

I do, however know from other moms who have opened up to me that those feelings are not uncommon. It’s okay to question if you did the right thing.

Most days, I look at our kids and the tremendous progress they’ve made and all the potential they have and the opportunities ahead of them and I am thankful.

Things No One Tells You About International Adoption Image Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

5. International adoptions are not necessarily closed adoptions.

People express to me often that one of the reasons they are considering international adoption as opposed to domestic adoption is that they do not want ongoing contact with birth family. It is a myth that international adoption means that it is a closed adoption. While some international adoptions are closed on paper, many of the adoptive families I know have some form of contact with the birth families or orphanages in their child’s home country.

While there are certainly circumstances where any amount of openness in the adoption would be harmful for the child, in many cases, having ongoing contact with birth family can be a positive.

I don’t want to share much of our story in regards to this because the story belongs more to my children than to me, so I will speak in generalities. I can say that I’ve been surprised at the number of families that have found a way to have contact with their child’s birth family even in international adoption.

In international adoption, the children adopted tend to be older, therefore, some have memories of time spent with birth family. Like all children, they love their birth family and once they are far away in another country, that love does not end. This can cause them to worry. Contact through letters or pictures or even e-mail or phone calls when possible can ease some of that worry. Contact with birth family can answer questions your child has and can help them to feel connected rather than having that tie completely severed.

6. RAD, PTSD, FASD, and SPD could be a reality for you regardless of where you adopt from, how old your child is at the time of the adoption, and what background information you are given.

Another thing that is often expressed to me by those who are interested in pursuing international adoption is that they are trying to avoid the likelihood of their child having FASD. (FASD is fetal alcohol spectrum disorder and occurs when a mother consumes alcohol during her pregnancy.) While there are countries where the likelihood of FASD is lower than in North America, the effects of malnutrition or early trauma on the developing brain can be just as devastating. There are also countries where the risk of FASD is even higher than it is here.

RAD is Reactive Attachment Disorder and although many are aware of the potential for this in adoption, they are sometimes told things like that it does not happen with children from a particular country (I fell for that one!) or with children who are below a certain age (others I know have fallen for that one). RAD is a very serious illness that affects an entire family and is not always “curable”.

PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Until we were parenting two children with it, I had no idea that children could have this.

SPD stands for Sensory Processing Disorder and is extremely common in all adoptions for a variety of reasons.

Just like when someone has a biological child, there are no guarantees in adoption that your child will be healthy. Even in cases where the paperwork says your child was not prenatally exposed to drugs or alcohol or was not abused or was not neglected and has no special needs, this may not be the case. In international adoption, even the age that the paperwork says your child is may not be accurate.

It is best to research common adoption issues prior to any adoption and go into it with your eyes wide open.

7. You will question your sanity and your ability regularly.

Parenting a child that comes from another country, another culture, who may have a trauma history (beyond the obvious trauma of losing their birth family and being taken to another country where everything is unfamiliar) is not for the faint of heart. There will be days when you question your sanity. There will certainly be days where you question if you are the right person for this job.

I question my qualifications for this daily. I know that God put them here for a reason and that He thinks that I am the right mom for them, even if I ~~sometimes~~ often doubt my abilities.

While these are the hard things that no one tells you about international adoption, there are also the 7 things that no words can truly express:

how much you will grow as a person
that you will find strength you didn’t even know you possessed
how in fighting for your child, you will also find yourself admiring them for all they have gone through
how in your abilities being stretched, your heart will be stretched also
how one day you will wake up and accept that your new normal is okay too
that children are more resilient than we ever dreamed possible
how you will realize that helping this child to heal is part of your purpose here on Earth.

Join me for a free 5 part email series, Little Hearts, Big Worries offering resources and hope for parents.

Helping a Child Through Trauma

Recognizing the Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder

What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child with RAD

10 Strangest Adoption Questions We’ve Been Asked

What Does Behaviour Have to do with Sensory Systems?