The loss of a long term foster child…the loss of a foster-to-adopt baby that the family had dreams and plans and expectations of adopting…the loss of a potential child when an adoption falls through…having to make the agonizing decision not to complete an adoption…coming home from the hospital to an empty crib when a potential birth mom has decided to parent the baby you thought would be yours…there are no Hallmark cards for these occasions. These losses are profound. They are like a death, yet there is very little acknowledgement of the loss or opportunity for closure which can make it even more difficult.

For the sake of clarity, I will refer to these types of losses as adoption loss with an understanding that it encompasses similar losses such as that of a long-term or beloved foster child.

For family and friends of a family experiencing adoption loss, it can be difficult to know what to say or do and can even be difficult to understand the extent of the grieving.

Many years ago, we lost our daughter (of our hearts) Amera when she was 20 months old. We had had her since she was just three days old and had expected that she would be our daughter forever. We loved her as a daughter, had dreams for her, envisioned our lives and future and family with her in them.

Technically, we were missing only one thing for her to be our daughter in the eyes of the law…an adoption order. Technically, she was still our foster daughter the day she left without us getting a chance to say good-bye, never to return. Technically did not matter one bit to my heart.

From that experience and from watching some of those close to us suffer similar losses, I write this in the hopes that it will help future friends, family members, even churches and organizations to come alongside these mourning families and hold them up when they most need it.

How others can support someone through adoption loss:

• Have No Expectations – From day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, they will be dealing with fresh and unexpected emotions. They may be fine in the morning and fall apart in the afternoon because they found a sock from the child they lost in the laundry pile or because they ran into someone at the supermarket who asked them how their kids were. Even someone asking how many kids they have can trigger an outpouring of anguish. Give them grace. Do not expect that they should get over this in a set amount of time. Do not expect that they should grieve this less than they would a death. Do not expect that they should be getting “back to normal” or able to function the way they could before. Grace. Love.

• Offer No Judgement – Do not judge the way they are handling the situation, how or when they are choosing to tell their other kids, when it is the appropriate (in your opinion) time for them to get back on the waiting list or to take another placement. Do not offer advice unless asked. Do not judge. Grace. Love.

• Give Practical Help – Note that I did not say to offer practical help. Often people in such an intense state of grieving won’t know how to ask for help or even take it if offered. So just do it. You could say “I am going to stop by around 11 if you will be home. Would you rather I did a load of laundry or stopped on the way to pick up your groceries?” Obviously, being that direct will depend on the level of the friendship, but dropping off muffins or cookies or a few casseroles for their freezer is appropriate even for acquaintances to do. You could also organize a meal schedule with a group of friends to ensure that the family is getting meals at least a few times a week. If they have other children, offer to have them over to play for an afternoon to give the mom a break and time to cry without worrying about her kids being upset by it. Or offer to babysit at night so that the couple can go out on a date. Adoption loss can be very hard on a marriage. Love in action.

• A Listening Ear – When they are ready to talk, be there to listen. Let them know that though you may not understand what they are going through, you do know that they are in pain and you want to be there for them. It’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Listen without offering advice or judgement and above all, never say that they put themselves in the situation of potentially being hurt by trying to adopt or signing up to foster in the first place. Just love.

• Help Them Keep Busy – After our daughter left, one of the things that saved my sanity was keeping busy. I had friends who would call me up and invite the kids and I to go to the park or the beach or come over for a playdate. In the beginning when I was just numb, one friend would call me up and tell me what we were going to do that day. She would cheerily say “pack a lunch for your kids and some sunscreen and we’re going to go berry picking” and I would go along. Staying busy helped so much and was also great for my other kids and for the guilt I wrestled with about what they may have otherwise missed out on that summer with their mom such a wreck. Even just inviting them out to a movie (a comedy or action, not drama) or out for tea in the evening gives a few moments of welcome distraction. Love in action.

• Offer to Pray for them – Ask what they would like prayer for. They may find comfort in knowing that there are others praying for the child they lost and praying for their family. Love.

• Acknowledge the Loss – Probably because people don’t know what the correct etiquette in this situation is or because they don’t quite know what to say, often they say nothing. This can hurt the family further as they feel isolated and feel as if their loss has been discounted. Acknowledge the loss the family has experienced. On our daughter’s second birthday, it was heart-wrenching not to be able to celebrate with her or even know if she was ok. Some of our friends came over and had cake with us and we talked about her and acknowledged the day of her birth. They brought their kids who were her little friends and seeing them play on her special day was bittersweet, but it was healing too. It meant so much not to have to get through that day alone or pretend like she didn’t exist. Cry with them. Love.

• Talk about the child – You may think that you are being more sensitive not to talk about the child they lost, but it is actually more painful when people avoid the subject and act as if the loss didn’t happen. Reminisce about memories that you have of the child they lost, give them copies of any pictures you may have, ask them questions about the child (when it seems appropriate to do so). If the loss is of a child they never knew like in the case of the loss of a potential adoption, they had dreams and plans and a love that was real even if they never held that child in their arms. Allow them to talk about those things. They will never stop loving that child. Love them by loving that child also.
• Just be there – Even if you don’t know what to say or don’t know what to do, just be there. Love.

Since the loss of our oldest daughter, we have gone on to adopt five more children. One of them is actually her biological brother. People may think that the other adoptions lessen our loss, but for me, in some ways, they only served as a reminder.

When people make comments about the big age gap between our oldest two and our youngest five, I know that there was not supposed to be an age gap. She should be there.

When our son cries because everyone else in our home has a biological sibling living with them except him, I know that it shouldn’t have been that way. She (his biological sister) should be there.

When I see our three girls struggle because of that “third wheel” syndrome, I imagine that if she were here, everyone would have someone to play with. There will always be an Amera-shaped hole in my heart that only she can fill. It gets easier in some ways over the years, but in some ways, it gets more difficult.

I can get through her birthdays now, where in the early years, I couldn’t face that day. I can look through her scrapbook albums and think about the privilege I had in being her mom if only for too short a time.

But I think about all the years I have lost that can never be made up, years that she has not gotten to have a family, years that we have missed out on firsts and lasts and the big events that we will never get to be present for.

So even all these years later, I appreciate when friends ask how old she is now or share a memory they have of her. I want to know that my baby girl touched their lives too. In my heart, I’ll always be her mom, so when others acknowledge my “momhood”, it takes some of the sting out of my loss.

By supporting someone through their adoption loss, you allow them to know that they are not alone.

You might also be interested in reading:

Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families 

If the Friends Answered Common Adoption Questions

What We Can Learn About Grieving from the Mother Whale 

No two adoption stories are alike. Therefore, there is not a one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to talking to kids about adoption. Many years ago, I was doing dishes in the kitchen and overheard my girls playing with dolls in the next room.“I’ll be the tummy mommy and you be the other mommy.” I smiled at the sink. I was glad to know that the girls felt so comfortable talking about adoption that the theme showed up even in their playtime.

I also recall a moment of listening to one of my daughters correct a friend of hers who repeatedly questioned her about her “real” mom. Her replies made me laugh a little.

My daughter: “My real mom is in the kitchen.”

Her friend: “No, I mean your REAL mom.”

My daughter: “My real mom is in the kitchen. She takes care of me every day. It doesn’t get more real than her. I think you’re trying to ask about my birth mom.”

That little interaction is exactly why this first point is so important:

1. All children should be told about adoption…not just those children who are adopted! Educating kids about adoption including common adoption terminology ensures that there will be more understanding and compassion and less chance of kids saying ignorant things to other kids on the playground. Adoptive parents and their children need you to educate your child so that they don’t have to!

Take the time to learn respectful adoption terms. This will ensure that you will choose sensitive language when having the conversation with your child. Here’s a short rundown:

• Never say “real” or “your own” when referring to an adoptive parent’s biological children. If you feel the need to differentiate, “biological” and “adopted” are the terms you can use.
• Some people prefer the terminology of “first family” instead of “birth family”.
• “First moms” (or “birth moms”) “place their child for adoption” or “make an adoption plan”. They do not “give their child away”.
• Children are not “bought”. There are sometimes fees associated with paperwork, orphanage care, lawyers, travel, and medical expenses in an adoption, but the children themselves are not bought. They are priceless.
• Every adoption is unique and so are the circumstances.
• Stay away from asking adoptees and adoptive parents questions like these.

2. Talking about adoption should not wait until your child reaches a certain age. Adoption is a topic that should be introduced from birth or from the time your child is in your home. Waiting until they are older to first introduce adoption can lead to feelings of betrayal. Many of my adult friends remember well the day they learned their adoption “secret”. Because it was kept from them until a certain point, they felt that it must be something to be ashamed of.

3. Use age appropriate language and give age appropriate information. There are many cute books that can help introduce the topic of adoption to young children. As children get older, it becomes appropriate to share more specific details about their adoption story. When our oldest daughter was younger, her favourite bedtime story was the one where we would tell her about the night she first came to us. She loved to hear about how excited we were! As she got older, more details were added to the story and we began talking about some of the harder aspects of her history. An important factor to keep in mind is that emotional maturity is more critical to consider than a child’s actual calendar age when deciding what should be shared when.

4. Tell the truth. You obviously don’t want to share every difficult detail with a three year old, but continue to provide factual answers to your child’s questions so that by the time they are an adult, they are the owners of their whole story. This also includes providing them with any paper documentation you may have when they are at an age that they are ready to have it.

Telling the truth is easy if your child has a relatively easy story to tell or at least what is considered to be a typical adoption story, but telling the truth may seem impossible if your child’s history is sad or awful or complicated. It is still better to have them hear it from you, the person who loves them and whom they trust most than to find out some other way in the future and feel betrayed by you or feel that you were ashamed of their story.

5. Acknowledge the loss. Adoption is beautiful or at least, it can be beautiful, but adoption is also full of loss even in the best of circumstances. Acknowledge those losses with your child and let them know that it is okay to grieve them.

6. Talk about birth family/first family reunion. When you feel that your child is ready, broach the subject of how you would feel if they were to seek out their first family someday. Children feel a fierce sense of loyalty to both sets of parents and don’t want to upset you, so they may not be willing to bring up their desire or thoughts in regards to someday searching for their first family. If you let them know that you do not feel threatened by this, they will feel more free to include you in this part of their journey. If you do not think that them seeking out their first family would be best, share with them what your reasons are.

7. Let your child know that it is okay to ask you questions. Answer them in an age appropriate, yet truthful way.

8. Follow your child’s lead. When you create an environment where talking about adoption is as natural as asking someone to pass the peanut butter, you open the doors to allowing your child control over this part of their history. Some children want to talk often about it and others would rather not think about it very much. There are also stages of development that naturally bring about more questions about identity and belonging. Adoption may take on more of a focus during those times. 

9. Practise their public story with them. Adoption is one of those things that seems to invite a lot of questions. When their friends begin to find out that they are adopted (for trans-racially adopted kids, this happens immediately), your child will face questions. Practising with them what they are comfortable sharing and what is appropriate for them to share with close friends, acquaintances and strangers (having three sets of scripts – one for each of these groups) will allow your child to avoid the discomfort and anxiety that comes with the questions.

10. Don’t be afraid to call on a professional. If your child seems to be stuck in their grieving or having a lot of issues surrounding their adoption that seem to go beyond what you are comfortable with, it is very appropriate to seek the help of a counsellor. It is best to find one who has experience with working with clients who are adopted.

I hope these tips help you in talking to kids about adoption and in realizing the importance of such discussions.

You may also be interested in reading:

Your Child’s First Day Home (Adoption or Foster Care)

What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder